The first memory I have is my mother cryingand apologizing to me, since I was just a child I didn't understand the reason, blood is covering my hand but I couldn't feel any pain
"Listen to me Hikari"
my father's expression was as cold as ever
"your life won't be easy, you are a special kid how have many things different than anyone."
after some years I understood what he was talking about, I couldn't feel pain there, as I get older many of my feelings will disappear more and more until I lose myself completely and become an actual robot
I accepted that fate and continued to live, it wasn't something inconvenient because I started to think that feelings are nothing more than trouble and it's better to live without them
I was alone in primary school, everytime someone tried to befriend me they just give up, the same happened during middle school too, until my last year before entering highschool, I met with a girl brighter than anyone, she never stopped smiling no matter how harsh treated her
"Chi-senpai may I ask you a question?"
"of course! what's it?"
we are the only ones in the club right now, not many people are coming to check on our book so I took the chance to ask her something I wanted to ask for a while
"why did you approach me two years ago? I wasn't very friendly"
"oh right, there's no deep reason for it, I just saw a pretty girl so I tried hitting on her, it's a man's instincts"
"it's my fault for expecting something from you"
"that's cruel~"
after two seconds of silence Senpai started talking with a smile
"you've changed Hikari-chan"
"how?"
"you're smiling more, in fact you're smiling right now"
I didn't notice it but I was really smiling, when did I start to act like this?
"your smile is really beautiful"
"thank you, but I have to go now to prepare"
"smile like this in tge performance too, you'll be the star even if you suck at acting"
I left the room without responding, there's about two hours left until my class start performing, I did my best to reach a level where I don't be a burden on the others
"Oh, Hiragi-senpai"
this voice...it's Tsukasa Makoto, just looking at him makes my heart race.
"are you okay?"
his cheeks were completely red and bandages were covering his face
"yeah I'm fine, I did something and got my ass beaten by Watanabe"
"she is not the type to use violence, that is indeed surprising"
"don't worry about it I deserve it. anyway are you going to prepare now?"
"Yes"
"I see, we'll cheer you so do your best!"
I don't want to end the conversation, I want to talk to him more...
"bye"
I can't do that, I still lack social experience to keep a conversation. it is disappointing but I am used to it by now
after some minutes I reached my destination, most of my classmates were there
"Hiragi-san! I started to think that you won't come!"
the girl who said was the class president, I do most of her work but when it comes to unifying the class she is the most capable of all
"I promised so I have to fulfill my role"
I didn't reject the idea because I wanted to try something new, it's not a great reason but that doesn't allow me to ditch them
"unfortunately I can't guarantee that I will do a perfect job"
the president smiled and held my hand tightly with both of her hands
"it's not about being perfect or no, all that matters is that you did your best. your efforts will never betray you"
you can put everything you have into something and fail, isn't that betrayal?
it's not the first time she say nonsense and it is not the time to talk about it.
"well, since tge princess is here, lets start our final preparations!
everyone wore their costumes and started revising their lines.
***
the show started, and I can hear a lot of voices, most people will attend since the other classes are closed by now and the festival will end after we finish our performance, we have a single chance to do it.
the script changed a lot since we started writing it because the president wanted to show off everyone's full potential even we sacrificed the logic
the story starts with the Ice princess, the daughter of a huge kingdom. this princess was cursed by the jealous witch.
I don't have many lines especially in the start, all I have to do is walk with a "dead" eyes
I took the chance to search for my friends in tge audience, it didn't take long to see Chi-senpai who is jumping trying to get my attention with tears on her eyes
"she's my daughter! I raised her"
Suzuki-san and Watanabe-san were trying to calm her down but I couldn't locate Sawano Aru nor Tsukasa Makoto
after the introduction of the princess, the knight starts to show his strength as the strongest one of the knight
"Wow..he's really doing a great job"
the president was surprised by how good the knight was moving his sword, I wasn't the only one who practiced hard that what I realized now.
"isn't it the time he should take off his helmet?"
for some reason the knight refused to show off his face, in that moment the president got scared
"we didn't check the helmet! it's stuck so he can't take it off"
I was starting to think that everything is going very smoothly put as expected we have to face some problems
"I will figure out how to deal with it"
solving the problems in the situation is something a good actor have to do, I am by no means a good actor but I still need to try
"you did an amazing job Mr.Knight"
"..."
he isn't responding, I see if I have to use his attitude to me, the princess as a reason to start our relationship
"I am the princess of this kingdom, why are you hiding your face?"
I can't show too much emotions, if I go any further I will break the character
"for someone who's being disrespected you don't look like you care"
"I didn't ask"
it's getting harder but that's definitely a scene from the script, it was supposed to be much later when he ask her about her heart
we got back safely even if we sacrificed some time and it is regrettable that the helmet won't be fixed because we don't have time
the princess tried to kill herself to free her family from searching for a solution
"your way of ending someone's suffer is to give them sadness?"
"it is the most effective way, sadness will disappear in no time"
the knight found her faster than anyone else, he didn't stop her by force.
he kneeled before the princess and held her hand, with a
"this curse of yours, I will free you from it"
my role is almost done, the knight will do the rest until the finale
"You did a great job there!"
everyone started praising me, but that was the easiest part, the real problem is the final scene, I'm not confident in smiling.
the knight fought monsters and reached the witch, after a battle and using the power of love he defeated her and destroyed the source of the curse
"when did we get such cool effects?"
everything is perfect from the sword sounds to the effects of destroying the curse
the knight hid behind the curtains, I stood alone there waiting as I tried my best to fake a smile
the knight took a long time but he finally appeared
"welcome back"
only two people are standing on the center stage, now is the time for the knight to confess his feelings
"..."
"..."
did he forget his lines...?
"..."
after the awkward silence the knight decided to take off his helmet
why now? wasn't it stuck?
the guy behind the armor wasn't a classmate, his cheeks are still red from the beat he got before today
yes, I should have thought about this possibility when I failed finding Tsukasa Makoto and Sawano Aru
it's Sawano's way to give me a chance..he played the knight until this scene because he already memorized the lines.
what should I do now..? I cant think straight just because Makoto is so close to me
I remembered something Sawano said, there's no meaning in searching for the best path
"I'll do what I want, and deal with the consequences later"
"huh?"
he didn't hear what I said since I just mumbled it, I got closer to him and started talking so everyone can hear me
"I love you"
"..."
"my heart didn't work at all, pain and sadness I couldn't feel those, happiness is a concept I dream about"
that's right, I started changing because of him
"you are the one who showed me how to feel, I love your kind voice when you take care of the others , I love your hair that reflects your carelessness, I love your eyes when you look at me, I love your everything"
when did I start feeling like this? it was way before meeting him in the club, I was interested in him since middle school, he is someone who won't tolerate bullying even if the victim wasn't close to him, I never understood such feelings
"my heart is but frozen, I never looked at anyone as something more than a number, I won't feel anything if I had to kill someone...maybe killing myself too"
I didn't understand the pricess, why did she fall in love this easily? just because he is strong? No it wasn't like this
"I was searching for love, and my search lead me to you, I can't imagine someone else taking your place anymore"
did I overdo it?
behind the curtains Sawano was giving me a thumbs up...I have to thank him properly later, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be so free
"the curse on my heart is long since broken, thanks to you I am able to change"
I got closer to him, I can smell his sweat.
it must be hot in the armor
my heart is going to explode
I didn't finish conveying my feelings but my voice isn't going out
I won't stop here
In a gymnasium full of people, a boy and a girl sharing a kiss, for the first time in my life I felt a boy's lips
I'm smiling, I can feel his lips even after we were separated
I won't hesitate anymore
"I Love You"
this is my determination.