I was in my Solar reading through all of the reports that had piled up since I did this yesterday morning when Genna came in.
"Gerion tells me that you mentioned marriage plans for your son. Should I take that to mean you have decided on a wife?" she said.
I shook my head "No, I'm not getting married."
She sighed "Jaime, you get an heir by getting married and putting one into your wife's belly. Sometimes I fear that the Mad King's madness must have been just a touch contagious, or that you got hit a few too many times on the head while playing with your sword."
I sighed fondly "Neither of those, Aunt. More seriously, there just aren't any suitable brides for me. Baratheon is all sons, Arryn is childless, Tyrell is all sons, Stark has no daughters, Greyjoy's daughter is five? six?, Tully is all out of daughters, and the Martells would probably declare war just for suggesting anything.
"That's all the Lord's Paramount. Moving onto our bannermen, none of them have proven themselves worthy of the honor nor do we have any need to bind any of them tighter - not to mention the fact that none of their daughters impress me at all.
"I could go on, I actually sat down and wrote up a list of every eligible noble daughter in all of Westeros and the simple truth is that none are suitable. As such I have decided to be truly shocking and utterly offend the sensibilities of every "proper" noble in the land. I figure if I offend them all equally then none can take issue with my refusing their daughters hand."
At those last two sentences she dropped her face into her hands and moaned out "Oh what insanity have you decided to burden me with now?"
"Well, I've decided that I will find some number of women with the combination of looks and brains that I desire that are willing to bare me children in exchange for being able to live a life of idle luxury here at the Rock and the possibility that their child will become the next Lord Lannister. Then I will just get Robert to give me the authority to legitimize any of my bastards that I want and I'll legitimize the lot of them. The order of succession will be by whomever impresses me the most while the rest I will find various positions for."
"ARE YOU TRYING TO OFFEND EVERYONE?" she shouted out in a tone that mixed wonder, awe, and fury in equal measure.
"Actually, yes." I promptly replied, causing her to blink in surprise before I continued "Call me a naive romantic but I refuse to marry someone that I don't love, and none of the women that I could marry is a women that I either love or could see myself loving. And yet I still need an heir, especially given that Tyrion has yet to produce any bastards despite his predilection for whores."
"I follow that bit of your twisted logic, but it doesn't explain why you are trying to offend everyone." Genna prompted.
"Offending one person makes me an enemy, offending everyone just makes me an offensive person. If I insult everyone by passing up their daughters for whores, bastards, and smallfolk then I effectively insult none of them. More importantly, they have very limited avenues of response. My sister is the Queen, and soon will have produced an heir. If anyone insults our house too badly then they insult the Queen by implication and that means they insult the King. Our wealth and power also protects me, for if anyone is too impolite then they must fear my response and at the moment I am unknown." I explained, knowing that pragmatic real politic would keep anyone from doing anything truly extreme in response to my plan. Ultimately it just simply wasn't worth having House Lannister as an enemy when they had nothing to gain from the situation.
Genna sighed again and shook her head "Jaime, this would tarnish your reputation for the rest of your life. And the reputations of future generations. You know they will call your heir the Bastard Lord behind his back. Just find some girl you can tolerate and get a few kids from her."
I gave a nod "Aye, I will become the source of countless japes in the taverns and great halls of the Seven Kingdoms. And aye, my children will face scorn from the other nobles." I waited a moment, until she was about to say something in response, and then my eyes went ice cold and my voice flat "And then one of them will go just that bit too far and give me the excuse I need to carry out my own Rain's of Castamere. Suddenly they will cease with their insults from the fear of my deciding to take notice.
"I need such an excuse, and I need it relatively early in my reign. One of the biggest reasons for our houses prosperity was that everyone knew there was a line beyond which pushing father was a guaranteed death sentence not just for the offender but for their entire House. If I don't prove that I am fathers son then sometime, years from now, one of the other Kingdoms will push too far and force me to respond and it will be war. We can't afford that when we are the ones actively keeping the Seven Kingdoms together and the throne secure for Cersei's children, at least not a major war."
Genna sighed again "And when the Faith starts encouraging the smallfolk to rise up against you? Start's preaching your heresy from the Sept's?"
I smiled nastily "Then I will have my opportunity to break with, and break, the Faith. It's not the Faith who keeps the smallfolk from staving come Winter, it's not the Faith who pays the soldiers wages, it's not the Septons who judge disputes, it's not the Septons who protect them from the dangers of the world. I want the Faith so apocalyptic with fury that they forget their place and overstep.
"The Faith is strongest in the Reach and Riverlands, and right this very moment the Reach is politically the weakest it has been in centuries while the Riverlands has a lord tied inextricably to the North and to Robert. If I can make the Septons furious enough then they will publicly demand action from the Throne and the other lords. Robert will tell them to go piss in a river, he won't lift a finger to help them against me and while Jon Arryn might be inclined that way he can't move against us with Kevan on the small council, four thousand of our troops in Kings Landing, and Cersei as Queen. If the Tyrell's try anything then I will spin it to Robert as them rebelling against the Throne and that it is time to solve the situation permanently, and in that pursuit I will have Stannis's full support at the least.
"Much more likely, the Queen of Thorns keeps a leash on her fop of a son and the Tyrell's do nothing but mouth platitudes and quietly provide some financial support. So what do the Septons do then? If they have already publicly labeled me heretic and the like then they can't back down, that would cost them far too much with the smallfolk. Their only realistic option is to try to restore the Faith Militant, or at least some variant of it. If they don't think of the idea, then I will make sure it gets to their ears and that suitable inducements are offered to get that idea acted on."
Another raptors grin was on my face as I finished, "And once I can prove that the Faith both has men under arms and has raised those arms against a Lord Paramount I will have all the excuse I need to respond."
Genna was almost white "A holy war would tear the Kingdom's apart."
"Who said anything about a holy war? No, I will respond by going before the Iron Throne and formally laying my grievances against the Faith before Robert. I will plead for the crowns justice against those who have raised arms in violation of the crown's laws and raised those arms in open rebellion against a Lord Paramount. And all over the fact that I refuse to practice their faith or live by its strictures, something that is my guaranteed right all the way back to the Conquest. I will also lay before the Throne, and make public in every city in the Seven Kingdoms, the records of Septons taking bribes, breaking their vows to commit every sin they condemn others for, and just generally failing to live up to their reputation." I replied.
After a moments savoring I said "And then the final act, I will top it all off with laying before Robert the records of the High Septon himself annulling the wedding of Rhaegar and Elia before marrying Rhaegar to Lyanna Stark."
At that last sentence Genna exploded "WHAT?"
I gave a nod "Oh yes, the two were formally married before the eyes of the Seven. Just imagine Robert's reaction to the knowledge that the Faith married his love to her rapist kidnapper despite her desires to the contrary."
She gave a bleak, hollow, laugh "He would stop at nothing to end them, and you would have your religious war but the target would be the throne and not us alone."
Another slight nod "Not just the Throne, the other Kingdoms would almost be forced to come in on Robert's side. And I don't think the Faith will find the smallfolk as receptive as they expect, after all I plan on providing the proper bribes to have the Septons condemning Rhaegar as an evil rapist from every Sept for a good six or so moons before kicking things off. The bards will be paid to spread the same, of course."
"And so either the last High Septon proved himself an oathbreaker of the highest order, or the Septons have been willfully lying from the Sept every day for six moons." she quietly said.
"Aye, and thinking about that; please schedule me an appointment with the High Septon about a donation next moon, with Dragonstone finally falling I think its time to head to the capital for a few weeks to make sure everything is all wrapped up." I commanded.
"Very well," she said as she rose to her feet, "anything else I can help you with at the moment?"
"Whose the sneakiest and most loyal of our young relatives? Someone who would make a decent Maester." I asked, causing her to look at the ceiling as she thought for almost a minute "Jarth, second son of Lord Lannisport's younger brother."
I thought for a moment, shrugged, and said "Then have someone fetch him for me, would you?", I had a journal to send someone to steal after-all.
-x-x-x-