(warning that chapter talks about self harm)
My girl had left. It was rare that she would flee from this crowd. I saw her. Nobody else did...but me? I watched her give the dogs a command to stay. I watched her fade into the background and ultimately run. Between the hour after my mom had gone home and now? I was going insane worrying about my girl.
Hunter threw keys at my face. "Your girl is at her house." He knew.
Yeah sure, I was on teams with the youngest Ellington brother, his team leader. But Hunter had been my best friend since birth. I took his keys, kissed Momma T and ran out the door.
I wasn't entirely sure when it had actually started. The 'titles'. The claims we had on each other. Somewhere around her sophomore year of high school? That was the first time I'd wrote the words. If I asked her, she'd have the answer locked and loaded before the question was even finished. 'Beau's Girl' That's the way its been for five years at least. The last two years were a grey area, but even with her brothers...her parents. Always 'Beau's Girl'. And honestly? I wouldn't have it another way, and in my mind...it will bever be any other way. Sue me. Hate me for being possessive, but when you know you have the one nobody stands in the way.
She's always been mine just as I've always been hers. The whispers when I walked into a crowd. 'Aspen's Guy' Long before she uttered the words nearly two years ago about actual feelings. We've never gave it the boyfriend/girlfriend titles but she never pushed. Couldn't say it was the age...or because I'm a SEAL with three of her four brothers and gone more time than it takes me to sign my first name. I never asked her why she didn't ever push it.
It's always been an unwrote, unspoke, 'everybody knows within the first two minutes of seeing us' type thing. Aspen Carlee Ellington is 'Beau's Girl'. And nobody ever questions it. So no, it's not rude or weird in any way that I just let myself into her beachside house (gift from her godfather), dropped my bags in an empty room and made myself at home.
After looking around the house in its entirety, I finally found my target. Outside, on the deck, in a torrential monsoon worthy downpour...back in her wetsuit. "What exactly are you doing out here?"
"Sleeping." It was such a simple answer. She didn't even budge or open her eyes. It was a little annoying.
I laid down next to her. With massive SEALs training embedded into my being, literally, laying through a little rain was easy peasy. "But...why...may I ask are you sleeping in a monsoon?"
"It helps me feel closer when you four are deployed." Another simple answer.
"Not to state the obvious A, but we four are home currently and all together home for a minute."
She was quiet for what felt like ages before I felt her right side press up against my left. "It's December 20th."
With those three words, my insides broke. Hi foot? Yeah. Meet my fucking mouth. I internally groaned. In all my own excitement to get home I didn't fully register the date. Of course she's outside in the downpour. She wasn't trying to feel close to the four SEALs that are here...she's trying to feel closer to the one who isn't. The one that will never be here again. Archer.
After a few seconds, I felt her shiver. Yup. Time to get her inside. With minimal effort to lift this girl that barely passed 5'2", I swung my right arm under her legs and my left under her shoulders and stood up. She immediately breathed deep and snuggled closer, leaving her nose in the crook of my neck. I wanted her to kiss me. This girl was doing things to me. I lazily let my lips rest on the top of her head. My girl.
She realized what was happening and put a little space between her face and my neck. She halfway growled. Not at all scary like she wanted it to come out. "What are you doing here? I was fine out there."
"Because. I'm staying here. It would be more a curse than blessing staying with Mom. You know she fusses."
This time she did growl. "Beau..." God how I'd missed hearing my name out of her mouth. I can't wait to hear her moan it, because it would happen and sound a million times better than my dreams.
"Aspen..."
She pinched my chest, making me shiver a little. "You know what I mean, Brighton."
I pushed the door to her bedroom open with my foot and set her on the floor. She barely came up to my chest, but still she stood there challenging me. "I'm here ACE because as much as I love me some water torture as much as the next Frogman..." I ran my hands up and down her sides, not missing the emotions running thru her eyes. "Somebody had to bring you inside and keep this perfect little body from jumping toward the bright light." She blushed, knowing I'd never actually referenced her body before, and I pushed her toward her dresser and handed her a towel. "Go on. Dry clothes please. I'll be downstairs with a fire."
She huffed, dropped the towel, and yanked the tie out of her hair, moving to find clothes and still shaking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the time Aspen made it downstairs, I already had the fire roaring, blanket prime positioned and streaming services all queued, ready at the click of the remote. The scene that was before me when I looked away from the tv was something my eyes or heart...or other parts were not ready for.
She was tying off her braid, something she clearly still did every night. Kept her hair from tangling so it could grow, or something. "I know Trent said you had badass ink now..." I let out a low appreciative whistle looking at her right leg. She had on one of her many, many pairs of Disney shortie shorts, which did nothing to help the situation starting in my shorts, showing from her ankle all the way up to the end of her shorts....ink. "...but daaamn babe, that's sexy as fuck."
She turned a little and jutted her leg out behind her showing me the backside of the tattoos. Also showing off her tanned, muscled legs along with an ass I've thought about more than a hundred times in the last two years. "It's still a work in progress." She shrugged and dropped to the couch next to me. "I have to keep up with the four of you guys...damn all of y'all beside Weston." Chris' SWAT partner, who was perfectly void of tattoos.
"How long have you been trying to keep up? How have I not seen any of these before?" I raised an eyebrow questioning. Trenton had possibly undersold the amount of ink his baby sister had come to acquire. I wondered who this Grant guy was. He clearly out did my artists in Virginia.
"You've had opportunities to see the progress, Beau." She met my eyes then, making sure I didn't miss the unspoken hit of my absence. She put her legs over my lap so I could see.
Break my insides a little more.
I couldn't even say why I'd been staying away from her this long. Ah fuck. Who the hell was I trying to fool?
I stayed away because I'm a fucking idiot and as soon as she voiced her feelings I got scared. I was afraid of walking over that line and changing titles for real. Scared and afraid? Those were two things that I never felt...
I can handle anything the United States Navy throws me into. Serious need to know missions? Check. Going dark for undisclosed periods of time? Yes please. Kicking down doors with scarce intel of what's on the other side? I'll be the first one thru gun raised. Single assignments that I probably should have never walked away from? Sign me the fuck up. But when it came to feelings and looking at her beautiful green eyes pleading with me to love her back? Count me the fuck out. Tucked my tail and ran.
That was until two weeks ago and Jason kicked my ass. Literally dragged me out of the pool hall and in every real sense, handed me my own ass on a bloody dish. I didn't even fight him back. He'd told me that everybody in the Ellington family, my mother and beyond had been waiting a lifetime for me to stop dragging her around and be the man she saw me as. His options were I could either come home for Christmas with the brothers and make it official between me and Little Ell, or I could have nothing at all to do with his little sister again. No talking. No texting. He'd make sure I was blocked and never even breathed her name unless I wanted my balls to be ripped out thru my nose.
So....that's how I got the leave and now setting on the couch with Aspen half sprawled across me, assessing just how broken we were. I knew deep down I was a goner. Done with bars, pool halls, girls that came with. Not that I'd done anything with any girl since I'd last been in Alabama. I'd fix us one way or another. This month was going to be the month that I defined the shit out of whatever this was that we've always had.
"I miss him B."
My spine went stiff. It was barely an audible whisper--but I heard it. After all, there's nobody that knows her better. I am as much 'Aspen's Guy' as she is my girl. I reached for her wrists and pulled her all the way onto my lap. Not at all missing the hiss she let slip and the tiniest of flinches as soon as I had her right arm. The tattoos hadn't been a full replacement then. "I know ACE. I know. I miss him too." My arms went around her waist instinctively, steeling myself off for the next round of questions I already knew answers to. She leaned her head against my chest. "Aspen?"
"Hmm?" She was lazily tracing a tribal knot on my forearm. Goosebumps instantly appearing from her light touch. I forgot just how tiny her 5'2" was in comparison to my 6'5". Just how perfect her little body fit with my huge one. God. I had missed her.
"Did you?" Simple enough. I knew I didn't need to elaborate. She knew exactly what I wanted to know.
"You know it." She didn't even miss a beat. No remorse, not an ounce of shame or trying to throw me off. "It keeps them at bay." Night terrors. "Makes the hurt, less." The hurt of having her twin ripped away from her.
"Aspen..." I was trying to keep the judgement or disappointment out of my voice. I knew her thru and thru, might have done some extensive research after that night. Talked mental health to some military psychologists all in hopes to semi understand what happens in my girl's head. I knew those were the last things she needed and wanted. Judgement. Disappointment. Anger. It wouldn't help. It would drive her further down the blackhole that she tries to hide from everybody else since the incident two years prior. "Let me see."
"Don't worry. The monsoon rinsed them out." There it was. Trying to push the subject away.
I had my thumb under her chin and tilted it so she had to look me in the eye. "Let. Me. See." The worry was the one thing I couldn't keep out of my voice, and her eyes let me know she'd heard it. Damnit.
She breathed in deep. Contemplating her options. She breathed out deeper. Surrendering. She tugged a little at the hem of her dark waffle knit long sleeve and thrust out her right arm. Pushing the shirt over her shoulder, she flipped her wrist up and damn...if there wasn't more than 150 white scars from elbow to wrist. Her wrist where she was now sporting fresh gauze and tape. My insides twisted into a knot any Frogman couldn't possibly undo.
I couldn't help it. In a trance I just ran my fingers over every scar. Every single one. Slowly. Her breath hitched and she laid her head back on my shoulder. I took them all in. It wasn't this bad when she was in the hospital, was it? Has she really been covering it up all this time? It couldn't have been this bad. But my eyes couldn't unsee what they were seeing. And yes, they were telling my brain that it was in fact, this bad. "Shit. Babe. This..." The question or statement fell off. I couldn't finish it. I didn't know how to finish it.
"The tattoos were supposed to be a substitute." So I wasn't wrong there. "It worked for awhile. But...two years Brighton. I didn't know what else to do."
Aspen? My heart breaking, sexy goddess, breath taking beautiful badass Aspen. She's a self harmer. Cutting--her preferred method. We all knew she had cut in the past. After two years--it wasn't much of a secret anymore. But, she had been getting help and was getting better. Last I heard anyhow. Or was she? Running my thumb over them for a second time. Or was it third now? It didn't matter. She slipped back into the darkness of the last couple years, and I couldn't help but wonder just how many of these scars had my name attached because yes...I was absent. I hadn't made myself available to her to have a healthy grief outlet.
I heard her sniff before I realized my shirt was getting wet. Then the trembling started. Damnit. She was crying. Lost in my own train of derailing thoughts, I had forgot the reason for the new additions to the cuts. Today was the 20th of December. A day that burned ever so brightly at the forefront of her mind, no matter how many years had passed. "Hey..."
That's all I got out before the crying turned into sobs. Trembling, gut wrenching sobs. "You are my best friend and more, then you were gone." More sobs. "It hurt B." A sniff and then more sobs. "It hurts so damn much."
If I thought her laying outside in the downpour broke me, that shattered me beyond repair. I hated that I played a part in hurting her. Fuck. I have a lot of fixing before this leave is over. Starting with her trust then her heart. I smoothed down her braids and placed a hard kiss to the top of her head. Trying to force all the emotions into it. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry ACE."
That seemed to do it. Her dam burst and gut wrenching sobs were unstoppable at this point. I hugged her tighter, rubbing my hand up and down her arm. "Shh...I'm here. I'm here now. I've got you. God Aspen, I'm so so sorry. Shh it's okay. You're okay now." I let her cry out everything that was tearing her apart while I tried my damn hardest to not do the same.
God. This girl always could make me question my SEALs status. And tonight was no fucking different.