I haven't seen Glen since and I very much prefer it that way. I believe my lawyer delivered divorce papers to him last week, we are scheduled to go to court today.
I pass a comb through my chestnut hair, "You only have to see him for an hour." I tell my reflection in the mirror. The woman looking back at me is dressed in a blush pantsuit, looking like a regal boss. She couldn't get a marriage to work but at least she can get an outfit right. But me, I want to puke, I have been messed up ever since that night.
Then, I ended up moving into a plain stuffy flat in Tottenham, as far from Mayfair and Glen as possible. You'd say I've been hiding from the truth ever since, pathetic right?
I spent so much time in our relationship and, later on, marriage, that I lost my social life, had very few friends and definitely no one close enough to seek comfort from except my parents who don't know about the divorce yet.
I flag a taxi on the streets and head to the Inner London Crown Court for the hearing.
Glen comes an hour late which makes the judge very irritated. He takes a seat opposite me. The procession starts sluggishly. Amidst the hearing the judge proposes that we sit and talk through our problems before we actually sign the final papers.
I look at the judge with the most respectfully disgusted look I can muster. "Your honor, do we have to?" I hope not.
He looks at me sternly, "Yes you do."
I take in a long, very deep breath. Why me? I train my gaze onto Glen reluctantly. I wait for him to say something but he doesn't.
"Why, Glen?" That's all it takes for the pain to resurface in her heart with much more intensity.
"Liz, I don't know what got into me," Glen starts with his eyes cast downwards. "It started as a one night stand and it went on and on like a wave. I didn't think we'd reach this, Liza." He look at me with regret in his eyes; as if that is enough to appeal to my mercy. I can tell from his gaze that there is more to the story.
I opt to ask my own questions rather than waiting for his fickle explanations. "How did you meet her?" I am uncharacteristically calm, it would scare me too.
He looks down again, "At work." I suck in a sharp breath to suppress my emotions. My jaw clenches and my eyes throw daggers his way. "She was transferred to our hospital last year." He clarifies.
"How long has this been going on?" I ask forcefully, a clear sign I am about to lose my cool.
"Shortly after she was transferred, it's been nine months to be exact." He says in a low voice but I still hear him.
If furious was a person, I'd be their twin. "So, you're saying for those nine months, you've been with someone else as I was at home playing house?" I ask, my voice rising. The judge warns me not to escalate this.
"Yes. But I'm sorry." He says in the same repenting tone.
"Glen, please be honest with me, do you love her?" I ask in a very low and menacing voice. He nods. "And where does that leave me then? If you love her then what about me?" I am on the verge of breaking down.
"I don't know where that leaves us, honestly."
"Answer my question, Glen. If you love her, what about me? Do you still love me?" I ask him sternly.
"I ...I don't know." That does it for me. I can't be heartbroken over him anymore.
"You don't know? That's a no, right?" He doesn't reply. I sigh audibly. "So, when did you start not knowing, huh?" I yell at him. The judge doesn't take the yelling nicely.
"Don't make this hard for me, Liz. I don't know, it just came." He gets a tinge of annoyance in his voice. From years of being with him, I know he is lying.
"Tell me everything Glen. I know you are not being earnest with me." I tell him crossly.
He rakes his fingers through his hair and looks me square in the eye; he is also angry, "It started when you told me last year that you didn't want kids. And that's the one thing I ever wanted. I asked many times and you still said you didn't want them. So this happened. You did this to us" He gets up from his chair pointing at me with anger.
"Don't dare blame this on me. You're the one who cheated." I hit my fists on the table, "You ran to her because I said I didn't want kids at the moment?" Tears from in the corners of my eyes.
"Yes, and her, she's different from you, Liz. She wants kids as I do." He bellows at me. The judges glares are lost to us as we argue.
"Is she pregnant, Glen?"
He backs down suddenly. His eyes avert from me. In a flash he is back to looking at the floor. "Yes." I am so shell shocked, I can't get myself to even yell at him. "Were you planning on telling me?"
"Yes" It sounds like a maybe to me.
"When?"
"I don't know." I avert my gaze from him. I look at the judge with tears streaming down my eyes. I can't go on anymore.
"I think that's enough." the judge declares. The divorce papers are handed out and we sign them. I hand mine to the court clerk and leave the room instantly.
My first stop is at a bar nearby. Throughout all of this, it is just now that it all hits me and I need a quiet place to let out my sorrow in peace, what better place to go than a bar?
I head to the counter and ask for a whiskey on the rocks. The bartender raises an eyebrow at me but I stay impassive. I know, it's strong but I can handle my alcohol. I don't tell him that though because I owe him no explanation whatsoever.
After getting my drink I head to a table at the back of the bar and sit down to grieve the lost years as I gulp the drink. Tears I had been keeping in, stream down my face and there is nothing I can do except let them.
I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see a drunk guy looking at me with lusting bloodshot eyes. "Whatever happened you know I can take it away." He slurs suggestively and winks at me. It makes my anger flare.
"What an inconsiderate person you are! You see I'm not in the mood and all you can think of is sex? What happened to mankind? Leave me alone" I yell at him. The bar becomes pin drop silent. Everyone is looking at us. The guy puts up his hands in surrender and walks away as I hurry to wipe my tears. No need for strangers to see me cry.
"You saw her. Do yourselves a favor and don't be douchebags again to a lady with a whiskey on the rocks." He said jokingly and the guys on the table to my right cheered.
I'd recognize that voice anywhere. Andre. He is standing close to my table with a bottle of beer.
"How are you doing?" He asks and sits without asking if I'm alone or not. "I can tell you are solo." He says with a wink.
"Do I look that lonely?" I ask with an incredulous voice.
"I would tell you no, but, I know you prefer the truth."
The hurt I've been keeping bottled all day with Glen around resurfaces "Oh well what can I say, it's not everyday you wake up and your husband, make that ex, is cheating on you in your house." He knows what I am talking about, he is my lawyer after all.
"C'mon, don't take it personally, he is an idiot and I'd give anything to be with you, but he messed up big time." He says.
"Right. -What?" I recap for a second.
He looks at me sheepishly. What do I do in such a situation? "Despite the fact that your timing's definitely horrible," I pause to make an effect because it's true, "I appreciate that you care about me but you know I don't like you that way. You are like a brother and I will always cherish you, but not like that." I hate that I had to do this here, now and like this. "And anyways I would not want to be a rebound if I were you." I add cheekily to try and dispel the tenseness in the air. The silence that ensues breeds remorse within me.
"I get it." He says. Relief washes over me and I release a breath I hadn't known I was holding. I can't help but smile out of sheer relief. "That's the problem. You keep smiling like that and I can't make myself give up on you." He says with amusement. At least I know he is joking. Or is he?
"It's not my fault I am naturally gifted." I flip my hair and smile with confidence. The effects of the vodka are starting to set in.
His amusement turns to sadness, but it disappears way too quickly. "No, it definitely isn't." He says and pinches my cheeks like I'm a baby. He loves doing that despite how much I hate it.
"Get up, I want ice cream." I say in a bossy voice.
He looks at me incredulously, "Why do I keep insisting on dating you when you are this weird? One second you are rejecting me and the next you are asking me for food?" He smirks and I stick my tongue out at him.
He gets up and helps me out of my seat. I get home late at night. My first night as a free woman.