Leniey was sometimes a paradox. I am observing him right now as he sips the whiskey, which he seems not to get over, and it is not even running or rather interfering with his thoughts. He had already taken like five glasses, and I had barely taken a sip on my first glass. I feared that if I took it, I might say or do things that I would regret. As you all know, me in my drunken state is always not the best of persons; I am really lightweight; I get into my feelings; and the last time I was drunk, Kelvin really did a hell of a lot of damage to me.
"You quiet." Leniey stated, raising his eyes. We had not spoken much after he told me about why he screwed up those ladies. I was actually wondering what kind of man he really was and if he had actually turned into a playboy of sorts. I was scared of fuckboys, or rather, playboys. Play boys, are they fuck boys? I don't know, but I never really had a liking for such characters; they just seemed weird. I like cool, calm, and collected guys, but not those with some toxicity. I liked the toxicity in Leniey; he may have been toxic and sometimes left you on the edge of things, but he sure would make up for all that. Am I accepting his behavior, or am I justifying his actions? Sometimes I feel that we should just give people the space they desire to figure themselves out; we can't be locked on our phones texting each other daily.
"The cocktail is good." I stated this after realizing I was quite silent after Leniey broke the silence.
"You have barely tasted it; how do you know?" He asked, and I wondered, Okay, did he really observe me?
"I meant you; how is the whiskey?" I asked.
"You don't want to drink?" Leniey diverted the question.
"No, it's just that I am keeping it collected."
"Collected? Really,.." He asked, and I was left wondering why he was being weird. He never really forced me to drink something; it was like he wanted me to really drink.
"Why? Are you trying to get me drunk? I asked, and as if realizing or hearing the acid in my statement, he looked at me with his kind of adorable eyes and then stated, "Nothing; I just thought if you don't like, I can order you some soft drink or simple energy drink. I never wish for you to get drunk without consent." He always seemed to be scared of me. When I got mad, he always, even when we were dating in the past, would just make sure that I did not get mad at him or anything. He would rather travel in the middle of the night to my house to solve an argument than let it slide.
"It's okay, I am just taking my time; the last time I drank, it was not a good experience." I stated.
"Tell me about it." He added in a rather higher and joyous tone, as if now happy that a story was coming, but the last time I was drunk was when we were both there with Kelvin. What does he really think? Was I drunk in between? In between today and that day?
"You were there, Leniey." I stated, eyeing him closely, with which he seemed surprised, "That day, with the Kelvin dude? Was that your last time?" he asked, and I just somehow rolled my eyes because he was somehow acting weird. I never liked when I stated something and someone seemed surprised by it. Furthermore, it's not that good to go drinking everywhere. I don't really know why Leniey was getting on my nerves; my mood swings were high, and I guess my periods were set to be near, because that's how I sometimes get when I'm with someone, despite knowing he wants good for me.
"I want to get out of here." I suddenly stated, which made Leniey really seem taken aback by my words. I was already feeling the place draining my energy; I just wanted to be out, maybe sleep in my bed, and somehow just be alone. I know it was Leniey who needed the energy, but somehow I felt uncomfortable. I was never uncomfortable with him; I just never was. I was just suddenly uncomfortable with drinking here with him, especially the reflection that he heard everything Kelvin had said about me that day. I feared Leniey would project that onto me in one way or another.
"We can go outside," Leniey stated. His voice was soft, and it seemed I had suddenly broken his heart by stating I wanted to leave. Of course I did; he believed this was the best of the best restaurants. I just nodded to that, and so he stood effortlessly; the alcohol had not even dug into his brains. And I closely followed him as he carried both of our drinks outside.
The outside was chill; there was no moon in sight, but the stars were embracing the skies in the dark. It was a really dark night today, and so Leniey made me sit next to him in the armchair that was swinging too. He added me the cocktail, and I took a sip of it. It was good; I could feel it burn through my throat down to my stomach—something that made me really forget all my problems and issues.
"Len," I called out after halfway sipping the cocktail. I knew this thing would easily just get into my head, but I loved it that way.
"Yea,.." He stated, as I laid my head on his now broad shoulders, from the gym activities he had been doing. I was already feeling my heart beating so fast from just laying my head on his shoulder. I wonder if he was feeling the same.
"That night, Kelv, whatever he said about..."
"No, nothing; he was just being bitter; I took no interest in that, especially in comparison to you." He stated before that I would finish what I really wanted to say. He sometimes just knew what I was supposed to say at the right time. He just had some idea, if not all, of what I was going to say or state.
"It hurted." I stated, and I could feel tears suddenly filling me up. I had not really taken an introspection of whatever happened that day; just now was when I did. It really did hurt, dear reader. I just never wanted a man to ever see me or say such bad things to me. The fact that he really stated it when drunk made it worse. It really showed what he really thought of me as some looser girl who can be easily laid off or easily fucked by just anyone. I wish he knew. I wish he just never said those words, because I even don't know how many affirmations in front of a mirror would really make me believe that whatever he said about me wasn't meant for me. Sometimes I had quite low self-esteem when it came to things of the heart. Anyone, a lover, or someone I had the utmost trust in would tell me anything about my character being queer or bad; it would literally alter my defense. Leniey had actually never told me such a thing; he always called me a winner, just good, sweet words, and he always wanted me to just push for more.
"Did you love him?" Leniey asked; that was more than a whisper.
"I don't know; I just wanted him. I think he had a really nice body, a nice voice, and was caring." And as I spoke, I felt Leniey's chest start rising up and down. I was speaking too much; that was what I did when I was under a drink.
"Was I in comparison to him?" Leniey asked, and I could feel he was or would end up being hurt by what I would tell him. Kelvin surpassed Leniey in some parts, like shyness, charisma, and speech. Leniey was the cool guy who never really initiated a conversation unless someone really came up with the idea and talked things out. Kelv was the spokeswoman; he would call anytime and dominate the conversation at any time, any day. Leniey was just dominant in bed, I guess. Okay, comparing Kelvin and Leniey was never a good one; I would literally, actually, see no point in it. My heart just knew who it was at the moment, but sometimes this heart was confused about what it really wanted; it was still mine, and I loved it regardless. "Did you two engage in anything?" Leniey added, and I knew these were the questions Leniey asked himself.
"Leniey please,.." I said, "You know it's not a healthy topic for both of us." I stated, but he just breathed in heavily, as if sucking in all the pain his heart was in. I was sometimes sorry for him.