"Would you like to trade existences?"
I stared at my computer screen, not really believing what I was reading.
My name is Samuel Santos Sampaio, and I am what society calls a loser. Just entered my thirties, fat, a virgin, working a dead-end job, no offline social life, and bullied every single day since childhood. The only good moments in my life are when I am playing video games, MMORPGs, tabletop RPGs, watching anime, reading mangas or novels, or writing.
Being the middle child, my parents never really cared about me. Instead, they focused all their love on my siblings.
My younger sister is the apple of their eyes. She's intelligent, good-looking, popular, a social media butterfly, and pretty much set for life since her streaming career skyrocketed weeks after she started it.
My older brother is their eternal pride. Being the founder of more than three astonishing lucrative businesses made him extraordinarily successful and influential. If that was not enough, he married a model he met while working as a male model and is a father to twin girls that are so perfect I question if they are even real.
And me? My mother said to my face that I exist only to embarrass my family. And my father won't even acknowledge my existence.
My parents kicked me out as soon as I turned 18, and since then, I have been doing what I can to survive.
What I make with the job I could get with just a high school diploma barely covers my expenses. More than half of it goes towards eroge games, mangas, different types of resin statues, model kits, and MMO subscriptions. What is left I use to pay the rent and sustain myself on a diet of instant noodles and fast food.
Lucky me, I was able to rent a studio apartment where light, water, internet, and gas are all already part of the rent. Otherwise, I'd be homeless by now. Sure there's mold on the walls, and sometimes the power goes down, or the water won't run for days, but that's a minor detail.
As long as I can dedicate myself to my passions at home, I don't care about anything else. And it was while dedicating myself to one of them that my life was completely changed.
I was searching the web for a new MMO to entertain me since the last one I dedicated 10 years of my life to unfortunately reached its end. And while asking around on one of the gaming forums I was part of, an old friend sent me a message.
"Have you ever heard about the Existence Market?"
"Nah, is it good?"
His reply was a long and strange link. Had it come from anyone else, I'd have never clicked it, but good old Felipe, aka SirFluckALot, had been my gaming partner since our high school years.
After clicking it, I was prompted to this really amateur-looking page that made me remember the old days of the internet. With an ugly background, really clunky font, auto-play background music, and even those annoying flashing pop-ups saying I was the winner of some nonsense.
I chuckled, looking at the page, and tried going back to the forum tab to send a "The hell you just sent me?" message to my friend, but frowned as I couldn't. My mouse cursor was still moving, and everything, but no matter how much I clicked, the tabs wouldn't change.
"You gotta be kidding me." I groaned, trying to close the page, but no such luck. I even tried the almighty "ctrl+alt+del" to summon the task manager, and again, nada. I was frozen on the stupid page.
"Dude, what the fuck?! You sent me a virus? Seriously?!" I messaged Felipe on my cell phone and held the power button on my CPU without waiting for a reply, growling in rage as it didn't work.
"Just wait until I see you at the next convention we go to." I mumbled while going under my computer desk and pulling the power cord out of the socket. Plugging it back in, hoping no essential files had been corrupted. But when I got from under the desk, all annoyance left me, being replaced by confusion.
The same site was still on my screen, but now a dialog box flashed in the middle of it.
"Would you like to trade existences?"
"Wh-What?" I blurted out, unable to understand what was going on.
I pulled the power cord again, this time raising my head without plugging it back, and there it was, the site still displayed on my screen in all its flashy glory. But now, with a new message.
"Just answer the question already."
"What the fu…." I whispered, dumbfounded. And the message changed in front of my eyes.
"Great, I got a slow one."
"Fucking hell!" I said, unplugging my headset microphone and the webcam, genuinely creeped out.
"You pulled the power cord, and we are still talking to each other, genius. Do you really think disconnecting those will do anything?"
"Fuck you! What the fuck is going on?!" I shouted, looking at the screen, and a doge meme appeared this time
"Wow, Such rage, Much anger."
"Seriously, dude? That meme is as old as me!" I said, laughing as relief washed over me. This could only be Felipe fucking with me. "How the hell did you do this, bro?"
"Come on, it's not THAT old."
"Haha, great one, Felipe. Ya got me; congrats! Best comeback ever." I replied, annoyed, sitting in my gaming chair. "Could you just stop it already? It's not funny anymore."
"It is for me."
"What the fuck do you want?"
"For you to answer the question already."
"WHAT QUESTION?!" I screamed at the screen, shaking it with my hands, frustrated.
"Would you like to trade existences?"
"NO!"
"You sure? I have some outstanding ones."
"Yeah, I am sure. Just stop this fucked up hack or whatever you're doing."
"Are you REALLY sure? This is the chance of a lifetime!"
"Yes, I am. I don't want to trade anything; I just want my pc back," I stated, annoyed, but my annoyance became rage as I read the following message.
"I don't believe you. Anything is better than being the complete waste of space you are. There's no way you don't want to make a trade."
"FELIPE, I SWEAR TO GOD, MAN!" I growled while trembling in rage. "I WILL KICK YOUR ASS NEXT TIME WE MEET!"
"The is no Felipe talking to you right now."
"Oh yeah, so who's talking to me? The troll spirit himself?!"
"A humble merchant"
"OH, but of course! Silly me! A humble merchant! OF COURSE!" I said, rolling my eyes. "Tell me, what do you sell? Oh no, wait, waitwaitwait, let me guess! Is it my data?!"
"Nothing so useless. I deal in Existences."
"Existences! Of course! How didn't I notice before?!"
"You're pretty dumb looking, to be honest."
I gritted my teeth, trying not to punch my screen in frustration.
"Ok, sir mysterious merchant," I mocked. "Why don't you show me your existences, and we can be done with it?"
"You sure? I thought you said you were not interested."
"Just do it already!" I barked, slamming both fists on my desk.
In response, the asshole sent me a troll face with the "U mad, bro?" caption.
"Son of a bitch…." I hissed while pressing my lips together.
The screen changed, now displaying lines and lines of links, so much that they were taking up the whole screen, and the scroll box was getting smaller by the second.
"What the hell is all this?"
"The existences," The message box said, popping up.
"Seriously, all of this?" I questioned, scanning over the links, a tingle of curiosity growing inside me.
"Dude… just how long did it take you to make all this?" I asked while clicking one of the links named "Seventh Prince of Sword Country."
The link opened up a pop-up showing what looked to be an RPG character sheet. It displayed a name, title, numeric value for stats, a list of talents and weaknesses, equipment, background, and even an illustration. One thing that attracted my attention was the Trade condition listed on the top of the sheet. For this character, it was "A noble life in a peaceful world."
I closed the Prince sheet and clicked another one, opening various of them wholly immersed in the multiple characters in front of me.
"Felipe, bro, this is awesome!" I admitted, "The presentation was a little douchey, but I am impressed."
"Thanks, but no Felipe here."
"Oh yeah, sure, Mr. Merchant," I laughed. "Let's roleplay if that makes you feel better."
"So, did you choose one?" The message box inquired after I opened another 20 characters, one seeming more impressive and exciting than the other.
"It's kinda hard to choose just one," I said, scratching my beard. "Any chance you can let me choose more than one?"
"Sorry, but only one trade per customer."
I looked at the rolls and rolls of characters, frustrated while unable to make a choice; there were just so many to choose from.
"Can you give me a tip on what I should choose?"
"Tip: You should be asking to see what you can choose."
"What do you mean?"
"Your existence does not cover every single trade requirement."
"Oh, could you show me those then?"
"Ask, and it shall be done," The message said, and the screen blinked, showing only 3 links now.
"Wow, seriously?!" I groaned, disappointed. "From close to infinite to just 3?"
In response, he sent me a "It's something" meme.
I looked at my choices. "Princess of a forgotten country," "Sentient AI drifting in space," and "Summoned Hero Candidate." I clicked on the last one since it was the only one that really caught my attention.
Nothing was on the character sheet beside the trade condition, "Any existence," and a new category name Blessings: "Chosen of Yvella"
"Why the hell is this one practically all blank?"
"I wouldn't choose that one. Pick the Sentient AI or the Princess; trust me."
A smile formed on my face, knowing Felipe this one was probably an OP character.
"Nah, I think I will pick this one."
"You sure? Please be advised, there are NO REFUNDS."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure." I chuckled.
His reply was a Coffin Dance meme gif.
The screen blinked and disappeared, leaving me staring at my reflection on the black screen. I kept staring at the screen, waiting for something to happen, and frowned after a minute had passed.
"All that for nothing?" I sighed, reaching for my cell phone, intending to send a message to Felipe, and stopped, starting to feel dizzy.
"What the fu…." I heard my bewildered whisper and felt my consciousness slipping away… wincing as a message window appeared right in front of my eyes.
"Thank you for using our services. Existence exchange underway."