yildiz hasn't been herself lately, her mother's death hit her hard, she blames herself for not being extra careful, or for not noticing anything wrong, for focusing on herself and her career more.than her mother, Randy and Roman tried so hard to tell her that she couldn't have noticed since her mother hid that so well for everyone but she still doesn't want to budge.
Roman and Randy tried to make her feel better, they buy her gifts, they take her out, they bring her friends, they cook her favorite food but nothing has helped yet
"I think you need to go for counseling" Randy said preparing for a keeping in the throne room
"you're right, I'm crazy right?" she sarcastically said
"wow, I'm just trying to help you here" Randy raised his hands in a defeated way
"I don't need your help Randy, I'm fine, I'll deal with this the best way I know how" she said
"you do know that I've lost my mom too right? and I know how you feel that's why I suggest you see the psychologist, we don't deal with losing a person the same way, some are stronger than others" Randy said
"Randy I said I'm fine" she hissed
"if you continue like this, you're better off dead, because honestly this is not a way to live, not healthy for you and people around you, and that's not what your mom would want you to live, that I'm sure of" Randy said and quickly grabbed his animal skin blazer and headed out
yildiz thought hard about what her husband just said, she then called her doctor to ask if she could recommend anyone for her, and fortunately for her, there was a psychologist available in the hospital, she made her appointment for later today, in the mean time, she slept it off.
"tell me about yourself?" the psychologist asked
"I'm calm, friendly, too friendly that I don't like it sometimes, I'm forgiving, I'm a go getter, I love food, and I'm actually fun" she was smiling
"you sound like a good person, why do you need my help?" she asked
"I don't know, I just need to know how to deal with the loss of my mother" she shrugged
"how do you feel about it?" she asked
"I blame myself, I was away for two and half years, that's around the time.she was diagnosed with the cancer, I didn't notice anything because I was away, I could've seen something, maybe I was going to be able to convince her to take the treatment, she would still be alive" yildiz said with a hint of sadness in her tone
"when you say convince, does that mean your mother refused to take treatment?" she asked
"yes" yildiz
"and why do you think if you were here she would've taken it?" she asked
"I don't know, I just feel I could've persuaded her somehow" yildiz said
"who was she with when you were away?" she asked
"my son and my husband" yildiz
"they knew?" she asked
"no, she hid it from all of us" yildiz
"how did you then find out?" she asked
"I had a dream, my father told me.to help him prepare a bed for mom she needs to rest, he said she's in pain so she needs the bed quickly, mom had gone to UK at that time so I called her and she was in the hospital, my husband and I went there, that's when we found out that she's been through this for the whole three years, she had her chances of survival but she refused treatment, and that was actually her last week" she said that with a bit of tears flowing
"your mother didn't want you to know, why?" she asked
"she said she didn't want me to stop living my life, and that it was her time" yildiz
"so why do you still blame yourself?" she asked
"I just feel selfish" yildiz
"you're not, your mother would be selfish if she told you when you were at the peak of your best moments in life, and she wasn't, I think you and your mother are alike, you have good hearts, you are both considerate and that is why you feel this way" she said "would you tell your son or your husband about your terminal illness ?" she asked
"well, my husband maybe" yildiz
"why not your son?" she asked
"I wouldn't want them to worry about me" yildiz
"same way your mother felt, your mother had a choice of living, but she chose not to live, by refusing the treatment, she knew it was her time and she left you here, to go to her end of life treatment very far, meaning she still had your best interest in heart, she didn't want you to see her on her death bed, she didn't want to see you pained, it would have killed her, but she chose to not live, do you understand that this is how your mother wanted things to work out, does she have a will, or something she left that might give you closure maybe?" she said
"nothing I have noticed, I'll check at her room in my house, she didn't want us to see her, you're right, she also said it, but I think it's unfair" yildiz
"it is, but just like you or any other parent, you wouldn't want your kids to have a picture of you dying in their heads, or would you?" she asked
"no, but I can't move past the fact that she chose not to live" yildiz
"she must have her reasons, apart being old and lonely, there must be something, your assignment is to find out what is the reason, search for anything, that might be the closure you need" she said
"lonely? do you think she was lonely?" yildiz asked
"not bored yildiz, but I think she was lonely, she missed her husband, and when you don't have a purpose in life, you feel like you dont want to live anymore, it happens in most old people, they feel lonely and empty, like death is the only thing to full them up" she said
"but mom has us" yildiz
"yes, and you grew up, you said to me that your son is a very busy body, he's never around, he grew up to even take care of himself, so your mom wasn't really needed" she said
"she felt useless you say?" yildiz
"did she say why she wanted to sell her business?" she asked
"she said she wanted to rest" yildiz
"when was that, when she had found out about her illness, or before?" she asked
"before" yildiz
"there you go" she said, yildiz then went back home and turned her mother's room upside down, she searched for anything.
she found a box in the closet, it was sealed. she opened the box and sat on the bed to go through it, first thing she took out was a letter written by her mother
"by the time you find this I'd be dead or dying, now that I'm this age death doesn't sound so scary anymore, in fact sometimes I'm eager to know how life on the other side is like, but I know this will hurt to you, but please be strong for your husband and your son, you know men can't function without women, I have found out that I have cancer, a brain tumor and its in stage two, there are chances of beating it, but my baby I have decided not to fight it, I don't want to fight my only chance of seeing my husband again, my purpose is done, mine was to nature you, I did and I did to your son, my one and only grandson, whom I live with all my heart, our survivor, our hero, our reason to live. so yes, I'd be sixty years, since they said the growth might take two to three years, and it might be painful as it grows, but I won't mind the pain because I know I'll never feel it ever again, I just want you to know that I chose this, even if you find this sooner that I expected, don't force me to do treatment. you made me the happiest woman alive, sometimes I wish my husband was still alive to fly in planes with me, see the world, have a fat bank account, I have never thought our lives would change for this when you left home to the city, with only 500 rands in your pocket, I'm grateful and happy for you my love for taking a very good care of me, you treat me like your twin, you always tag me along, but I want you to live your life now, be happy, tag me along in your heart, that's where I will be and I'll never leave again" she smiled through her tears reading that letter.
then she took out a photo album, pictures that were taken secretly by her mother, when yildiz was still pregnant, she wrote "my heart in human form" at the back of the picture, when they moved in Ghana, first time in the house, a picture of yildiz holding a water kettle its written "her independence, my star" the a bunch of other pictures, when she gave birth, when she was laughing, pictures of Roman, all pictures with a heart warming text at the back.
then it was a file with papers, she handed over over farms to Roman, her signature was there, Roman's too, yildiz laughed, they spoke about this and she listened. then her wedding ring, she loved that ring dearly, she wrapped it with a paper written "Roman will give this ring to a woman he loves" yildiz laughed at that.
when she went back to her session the following day, she actually had a closure she needed, this was her second and last session.