"As wicked as I may be, I am not so to the point of leaving your imperial majesty under my charm. Relinquish me of this burden, liberate me under your wing, and I will respect your boundaries as much as you want." Despite the temptation to stay, I decline any form of attachment, knowing he is not truly in love with me. There is an undercurrent to his fascination with me. A temporary feeling of curiosity brought by the difference.
For a short while, this deception may last. But, once he is bereft of this novelty. Once the remnants of every kind of interest vanishes. Only an unsettled type of hatred will remain. The type that leaves inertia on your eyelashes and causes them to fall into your eyes. Ruined eyesight. The kind of ache that leaves you on a rampage to rid of it until they are gone.
I would receive the world on one unnamed day. Only to lose it in another one as though it was never there. The bond we call love will decay into nothingness. Then, then I would live on the morsels of his intrigue. Like a person running on a dilapidated bridge.
"Then, you shouldn't have let me drink from the cups of mercy. From the promise you never intended to fulfill." I was instantly taken aback by the sudden emergence of these words. My past deeds hurling at me and knocking me into the waters. For once, it all made sense. For once, the rivers merge and it seemed like there were no layers to this particular bewitchment.
Was it when I told him the one responsible for his happiness will come? Was it that night when I told him no one may judge righteously? Was it when I didn't leave him to die? But then, why before that did he propose marriage? Did I think right that he needed someone to depend on him? But it could be anyone, why me? The cause and effect doesn't add up.
The different layers started to become prominent, and under the differing directions, the inches of my body gets torn apart. My head in a place my heart cannot reach. My heart in a place my head doesn't want to stoop to. My tongue torn into the surface of the brimming sun and the abyssal depths of the darkest days.
But, before I could say anything, I was intercepted.
"You shouldn't have said it. Those words. Had you not, I wouldn't be in this torment. Had you not, I wouldn't care a single bit who you kiss with those venomous lips." The man in front of me, stabs his sword into the body of the puma as if to make a declaration. "Mark my words. You better not think of having another. Because I would kill him in front of you. Again and again. Until you understand."
The sword was pulled in one quick motion, slashing the puma open. As if to show me that is how he is going to slaughter all my lovers. Blood sprayed all over again, the very rain I had been running away from coming back in scarlet. Calamity. Catastrophe. The incoming rumble of twisting relationships breaking me apart inside out.
"Even if it never leads to redamancy, you- you would force your love unto me? Turn me into a person you could never have loved?"
Under the bone-breaking tension, my etiquette flows out of the window. There is no more breathing space in this room crammed with my panic. Some may find this obsession romantic, but I see it in those eyes, in those words, in those hands. 'He is going to break me. Into bits and pieces I could never recover from.'
"It doesn't matter if you never come to love me. If you changed so much I cannot recognize you." The stench of blood fills the air, and I am once more reminded of all the reasons I shouldn't have found him to be a shelter. In this room, he is the safest and most dangerous of all. My crumbling mountain. "Dead or alive, you can only belong to me. My Athaliah."
I looked at him then. At the warring states within his burning eyes. At his lips that utters all of these heavy words. At the scathing flavor so unlike that first kiss. At the ruffling possessiveness raging in the wildest sleight. The threat upon my life. The threat upon the life of those I love. Even without winning my heart, he has already caged mine.
There is simply nowhere to go.
But I cannot ever renounce my freedom. One of the few possessions I have. Cannot ever trade free will for an illusion that will never last. "Try all you want, your imperial majesty. Even so, I would not take your hand. You could drown the path in front of me with blood, but I would still walk every step."
The crowd begins to gather in raucous debates. Gasps reverberating all over the place. On the back, I spot several guards nearly taking action, but they were stopped by the swing of his hands. The sickening sensation of everything mixes together and makes me want to throw up.
To our side, I spot Lady Zinnia having another attack, but she was quickly taken away by the servants of the manor before a commotion could be made. The rest of the crowd returns to silence as though waiting for a particularly interesting show. I am humiliated by this display. By their reaction to my insolence for denying such a great offer.
"To be guiltless- is something beyond your reach. Watch and see, Aliah, you will come to me before you know it."
Instead of being insulted, the first reaction I had was to be afraid. Because somewhere there, I know he is right. Because somewhere there, I know I would cave in. Because, somewhere there, I still had something to protect. But, I couldn't show him my weakness then. Couldn't give him the incentive to unravel me further.
I took out my amethyst fan, and unfurled it in front of my lips. The only way I could increase my bravery to say these words. The shield I needed to let these words out with the fragility of my overly emotional heart.
"You are wrong, your imperial majesty. I would go on, and another would come. In the end, I would be a woman whose name you cannot even remember. A bygone ray trampled by your future sun."