Things are rarely ever how they seem to be on the surface.
It's a saying that could be applied to many things, whether they be regular everyday things or even the people around you.
A friend of yours might be walking by the river and accidentally found a block of gold just laying about. Excited beyond belief, he quickly took it before immediately making his way back home, only to find that, once he got a closer look, what looks to be a block of gold is merely a regular rock that was plated with gold. That experience ended up being his go-to conversation starter.
Remember the class clown back in middle school? The one who always managed to get a laugh out of people? The one who practically lit up the room just with his presence alone? Did you know that, for all that smile, his life at home isn't all sunshine and rainbows? He's been eyeing the razor in his bathroom for quite some time now.
How about the married couple that always sat around the park bench, the one you always seem to pass by every time you went out for a morning jog? You remember them, don't you? The demure wife and the amiable husband? Seems like the perfect couple, don't you think? Oh, you sweet summer child… if only things are that simple.
Or perhaps… does a certain raven-haired honor student come to mind?
You know, the one! Everybody around him praised the ground he walks, every student in his year would do anything to get close to him. After all, he's the perfect student, you know? Good grades, good looks, never treats anyone differently, currently on a fast track to the top university; he's practically set for life!
And do you know where he is now?
Dead, with a capital D. Locked away inside a room where the light of the sun does not shine, exhausted beyond belief after having to act as someone he's not, trying oh so desperately to maintain the lie he called his life. And now? Now he's whisked away to a world that wasn't supposed to exist, forced to live the remainder of his new life donning yet another mask. One that would bring him no end of trouble, and one that he could never take off.
Quite fitting of an end for a pretender such as him, don't you think?
But I digress.
The point is, everyone has experienced it or at least came across such instances at least once in their life, whether they realized it or not.
I like to think that I'm one of the former.
Having experienced it myself, it shouldn't be that much of an exaggeration to proclaim that that's the case right? The phrase 'it takes one to know one' didn't just appear out of thin air, after all.
But now, as I stared at the broken visage of the blonde traveler in front of me, I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm thinking too highly of myself once again.
Leaning against the wall, Lumine sat in a fetal position, with her knees pulled all the way into her chest with both of her hands tightly gripping her blonde hair. From here, I could barely make out an incoherent mumble as she rocked her body back and forth in what I think was her attempt to calm herself down.
And here I was, standing around like an absolute tool.
'What am I supposed to say?'
As that thought crossed my mind, I couldn't help but wince. That's the thing though, isn't it? Talking is all I ever do. When it comes to our hastily formed relationship, rarely do I ever take any sort of initiative. It's always her. And when I do end up acquiescing, it's only after a lot of persuasion on her part. Even then, with how I acted most of the time, I no doubt made it look like I was reluctant to do so, even if that was never the case.
Is it even a wonder how this situation ever comes to be in the first place?
I set off this ticking time bomb with my own hands. The alcohol merely sped up the already burning fuse.
'I'm such a piece of shit, aren't I?'
In the back of my mind, I could already feel my thoughts running itself ragged as the ugly part of me is trying to come up with excuses to justify my own actions. Before it could go too far, however, I clenched my fists hard, the pain grounding me back to reality before I ended up drowning myself in my own negative thoughts once more.
'Not this time. Not when she needed me the most.'
With the clarity of my mind returned, I took a step towards Lumine, ignoring the voice screaming at me to think things through, to take some time to properly decide the best course of action so as to not fuck things up more than I already have.
A relic of the past that I couldn't quite get rid of.
It's something that was always rooted in my mind. After having spent the majority of my life creating the perfect persona that would conform with people's expectation of me, it took every brain cell that I have to not fuck that up, to not do something that would shatter the mask I worked so hard to create.
At some point in time, overthinking things ended up becoming a habit.
But for once in my goddamned life, I pushed through.
I've had enough of thinking. I've had enough of simply dwelling in my own thoughts. I've had enough of sitting down and twiddling my thumbs as I ponder the what-ifs of every step that I take. This time, I simply chose to 'do' something.
'Whether this is the right choice or not, that's for future me to worry about.'
The closer I got to the blonde traveler, I could feel my legs becoming heavier as if suddenly replaced by lead. I could hear the incessant screaming becoming louder and louder as it tried its best to discourage me from going through with it. I could feel my nonexistent heart becoming more and more erratic as I felt myself struggle to even catch a breath.
But still, I pushed through, forcing myself to hold on as I moved closer to her.
'My life was built upon a tower of lies.'
Taking a step forward, I forced myself to ignore the temptations trying to drag me down towards somewhere I could never return from.
'I was so caught up in maintaining the facade that, by the end of my miserable life, I no longer knew who I really was.'
Another step forward. The whispers suddenly turn into a hiss as I feel something invisible slowly wrapping itself around my chest, causing my already harsh breathing to turn rapid.
'And no matter how much I wanted to change, I could never bring myself to do so.'
One final step. Instead of giving in to the self doubt as it seeps into my mind, I forced myself to recall every single memory I have with the blonde traveler.
'I was afraid. Afraid of how people would treat me differently because I am not what they expected me to be. What they wanted me to be.'
I reminded myself, with each passing memory, just how much more enjoyable life has been with her by my side. How much lighter my shoulders feel.
'But I know, deep down, that it will never last, and that I have to change before it's too late.'
She was there for me when I needed someone the most. Even when I showed her just how ugly of a human being I was, she accepted me for who I am.
'I hated change. I fear the uncertainty it brings, and how it destroys everything I was used to being, everything I worked so hard to build.'
As I sat down in front of the blonde traveler, I took several deep breaths, trying my best to compose myself.
'But for her? For the one person that was there for me, the one person that doesn't look away? The one person that I've come to love? I have to change. At least, I have to force myself to try, no matter how difficult it might be.'
Seeing the pathetic state I've put her in, I felt endless amounts of guilt threatening to drown me. Once again, the pain of clenching my fists brought me out of my downward spiral.
'Everything happened because I kept lying to myself. I was stubborn. I was reluctant to ever admit to my own feelings, thinking of it as something that I wasn't allowed to do. But now? There comes a point where enough is enough.'
Taking a deep breath one final time, I raised my hand towards my face.
'No more lies.'
As I slipped my finger under the coarse white mask, I slowly took it off, ignoring the growing discomfort of insects crawling against my face.
'No more running away from how I really felt.'
Putting the mask down beside me, I slowly reached my hand towards her.
'No more hiding behind a mask.'
Slipping my fingers through the gap between her head and knees, I gently grabbed her by the chin and slowly raised her head up.
As I stared into her dull eyes, I slowly opened my mouth.
'It's time to face the music.'
___________________________________
Everything felt so very wrong to her.
Even as she sat down, her body supported by the firm wall behind her, she couldn't help but feel as if the world around her was being smacked around like some kid playing with a ball for the first time in their life.
Her head was throbbing. That alone shouldn't be much of a surprise, considering what she's been doing. Or at least, what she vaguely recalled she was doing. Admittedly, things were a bit of a blur, but if there's one thing that she will not be able to forget about this morning, it would be the fact that she has just laid out the grievances she buried deep in her heart towards the one person that she doesn't want to find out.
…or perhaps she does?
Perhaps she does want him to know. Perhaps, deep down, despite knowing that his behavior is often the opposite of what it was, despite knowing that he never meant to hurt her in any way, despite understanding the reason behind the way he acts, she wanted him to know how she really feels.
How confused she was, questioning which one of his actions was an act, and which one of it was real. Despite her brain knowing full well which one is which, her heart would often betray her rational thoughts.
How anxious she was, constantly debating whether she'd done something wrong. Did he not like it? Would he have preferred something else? If I do this, would he hate me for it? Try as she might, those dark thoughts constantly swirl within her mind.
Honestly, she hated feeling like this.
And yet she hid everything from him, not saying a single thing, more than willing to tolerate anything if it comes down to it, all because she was afraid of the possibility, however slim it might be, that things might end between the two of them.
It's a silly thought, really. To say that he would leave her at all is stupid, she can even confidently say that it's downright impossible. Despite how he acted and the words coming out of his mouth, she knew, in the rare moments that the two of them have when he doesn't act like a two faced idiot, that he genuinely loves her.
Nevertheless, her doubt has already taken root long ago, and as much as she wants it gone, she can't kill what she can't see. And in those times when that doubt resurfaced, she can feel the confidence she has on their bond slowly being eroded.
Those moments felt like nothing short of a nightmare.
The thought of him walking away from her, leaving her all alone in this foreign world once again without someone to rely on, is something she loathed the most; a worst case scenario that she can't stop imagining no matter how hard she tries.
And then, something unbelievable happened.
On their first day in Liyue Harbor, after having finished a delicious lunch, their group ended up going to a clothing store. Having not expected much of anything, especially after having to yet again persuade him to come – she knows he wouldn't really refuse her, she swears she does – she was very much surprised at how things unfolded.
Before she could fall into a downward spiral because of his usual song and dance, he turned the table on her. To say that she was shocked would be an understatement, as she expected that for him to willingly do something intimate, it would take for the entirety of the stars to align.
Granted, she might've accidentally shown what's hidden underneath, but hey, she's happy about it, he's happy about it (probably), it's basically a win-win. Besides, when this godforsaken world finally blessed her with some form of miracle after everything it took from her, who was she to say no?
And so, her doubts have finally cleared. The heaviness in her heart disappeared just like that. Things have finally started looking up.
Or so she thought.
The sight of him being hugged by her friend like that, no matter how short it was, no matter how platonic it may be, she could feel the receding negativity returning at full force. The once thought dying embers have roared anew as the world doused it with a gallon of cooking oil.
It was stupid. She knew it was.
There was no deeper meaning to it. She knows she's making it a bigger problem than it needs to be.
But that was all it took.
And then, in her drunken state, seeing the sight of a familiar white mask as he stood in front of her, she made the mistake of opening her mouth.
Now here she was, laying down so pathetically against the wall, burying her face onto her knees, too scared to show her face after her emotional outburst, too scared to see for herself the result of what she'd just said.
Too scared of seeing her delusion coming true.
With those thoughts dominating her mind, she could feel herself slipping down into the dark pit known as despair. The same pit she fell into the first time she woke up in this world all alone, without the familiar braided blonde hair in sight to calm her down.
Now here she was, trapped inside the dark recess of her own mind, disconnected from the outside world. As the sense of vertigo set in and began to intensify, so too does the nausea that she's been desperately holding back.
And as the darkness began to swallow her whole, she thought, for the first time since the moment she opened her eyes at that beach, that it would be better off to die rather than be left alone again.
…
…
…
And then, a touch.
A simple touch, coming from something that managed to snake itself through her self-imposed prison, slowly drove away the coldness enveloping her entire body. The same cold that threatens to freeze her to the core, disappeared just like that.
A warm gesture, one so terribly mundane that it's funny to even think that it could do anything beyond what it really was, returns her perception of the world to how it's supposed to be as the spinning stops, her sense of balance returned.
A comforting gaze, one that seems familiar yet foreign at the same time. A pair of indigo staring at her own gold, radiating something different than its usual sarcasm, exasperation, and indifference. It held something she's been yearning for for quite some time.
Something simple, nothing too complicated, that would fill her heart with warmth and make the growing discomfort she hid disappear, replaced by a comfortable sensation that would be more than enough to make her forget the problem ever existed in the first place.
"Saying sorry… would probably mean nothing to you right now."
As light slowly returned into her eyes and her dulled awareness once again restored to how it was before, she was able to finally take a proper look at the person in front of her. Instead of the expected mask betraying not a single thought, it was that same comforting gaze that was blurred through her tears, one that she thought was nothing more than a figment of her imagination.
"In fact, I'm pretty sure that if I did end up saying something along those lines, that sword over there would be lodged somewhere else right about now."
A smile. Not one that is followed by his usual snark, but a genuine one. The one expression she hasn't seen on his face for a long time.
"To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing right now. When it comes to these things, I'm no better than a child. In fact, a child would probably do better than me."
A laugh. And judging by the look on his face and the tone of his voice, a nervous one. Now that she thinks about it, when was the last time she heard him laugh?
"Fuck, I'm rambling again." She could see him covering his mouth as he began shaking his head. "What I'm trying to say, Lumine, is that you're right. While you were trying your best despite everything, I was just standing around, waiting for everything to be handed to me on a silver platter." His smile died down as he lowered his head. "God, I'm such an idiot…."
A confession. Something that she doesn't expect coming from him. The last time something like this happened would be that night in Mondstadt, when he opened up to her as she held him close.
"I should've known better. Hell, I've seen instances where it should be clear that something was wrong, but instead of saying something, I chose to do nothing."
Suddenly, the hand that was brushing the tears off of her face suddenly separated. The comforting sensation it brings suddenly disappeared, causing her to let out a needy whine. While she would've been embarrassed at her behavior, at this point, she no longer cares.
"It's clear now that you've been holding back a lot of things. And I know first hand just how painful it can be to hold something like that back. Since that's the case–"
This time, she could feel both of his hands making its way below her, securing itself underneath her legs as she felt herself being carried off of the cold floor before he slowly lowered her frame on top of his lap, his eyes never once taken off of hers.
"Talk to me." He whispered, the warmth of his breath causing a shudder to run down her spine. As he held both sides of her face like she was the most fragile thing on this accursed star, he continued. "Let everything out. Every single grievance you have, let it all out. Say it, shout it, you can even hit me if you feel like it."
Seeing him like this, seeing him act unlike how he usually was, treating her in a way that she could only dream of in her sleep, she could feel the dams holding back her tears threatening to burst.
"I'm here for you. At this moment in time, to the ends of eternity."
With nothing but encouragement in his eyes along with the reassurance oozing out of his every gesture, she, who was content with basking in the warmth of his body, slowly opened her mouth.
This time, she hopes– no, that's not right.
This time, she knows that it would not be a mistake.
___________________________________
Lumine let out everything.
Her doubts, her fears, everything.
Just as Yuu wanted, she talked and talked and talked. At first, Lumine found it difficult, especially with how hoarse her voice was. But eventually, the further she was in her rant, the more agitated she became. Her voice became clearer, and along with it, a certain edge began to take over her tone.
Despite Lumine's initial reservation, by the end of it, she ended up hitting Yuu several times. In the end, her repressed emotions blew up and she let it take over her, giving some semblance of clarity to her muddled mind. Yuu, on his part, took it in stride. Or at least, that's how he appears to be. In reality, despite how weak she seemed before, her drunken fist actually hurts a lot, though he knew better than to say anything about it.
And now, after saying everything she wanted to, Lumine laid her head on his shoulder, feeling exhausted after her long and emotional tirade. Meanwhile, despite the pain flaring on his shoulder and chest, Yuu rubbed his hand in a circular motion on Lumine's back, all while his other hand messaged the back of Lumine's head, trying his best to bring her comfort however he could.
They stayed like that for a while, enjoying the comfortable silence as they snuggled into each other's embrace, the warmth of each other's body nearly dragging the both of them straight into the land of dreams. Despite that, there was a noticeable tension in the air, borne out of Lumine's heated rant.
The silence was eventually broken as Yuu finally opened his mouth.
"You know…."
"Hmm…?" Shaking the onset of fatigue out of her, Lumine slowly separated herself from him, her arms still wrapped around his neck as she stared directly on his exposed face. "What is it?"
"I did say that you can hit me, but…." As he spoke, the smile on his face gradually turned into a smirk. "Do you really have to hit that hard?"
Seeing him acting all cheeky after playing the part of an apologetic listener, Lumine was briefly caught by surprise, before eventually letting out a giggle, breaking the somewhat tense atmosphere.
Once Lumine had her fill though, she responded to him in kind. "Ara, I distinctly remember a certain someone saying that I can 'hit him if I feel like it.' Are you saying that perhaps he's lying?"
"Hmm… not really. I personally think he should be more careful in how he worded things." Despite the confident smirk, Yuu was actually feeling a bit worried. But hearing her answer in the way that she always does fills him with immense relief. "Especially now that he's in the Land of Contracts, wouldn't you agree?"
"Of course, though personally I would not recommend having anything to do with verbal agreement. I would prefer it if he stuck to written contracts instead. I heard that he's pretty good at reading, so surely the same can be said with his writing, right?"
"I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way, princess."
"Really? That's a shame. I wonder why?" Tilting her head in mock thinking, Lumine suddenly snaps her fingers. "Ah, it must be because of all those shitty books he kept reading." Giving his offended expression a glance, Lumine held back her laughter. "It stands to reason that such low quality literature wouldn't help him with anything of that sort. Isn't that right, Yuu?"
"Personally, I think it's a simple matter of 'don't knock it till you try it.'" Seeing the smug look on Lumine's face, Yuu had to restrain himself from making a mess of her face. "Perhaps if an elitist such as you would give it a chance, you'd understand for yourself the appeal they have."
"And give myself a brain rot? Not a chance."
With that, the two of them stared at one another, one with a smug smile on her face, while the other had a strained smile. Eventually though, a laughter escaped Lumine's mouth, with Yuu following shortly after.
As the two of them devolved into a laughing fit, the hands the both of them had on the other slowly pulled each of their bodies closer, causing the two of them to bury their face on each other's neck, the tickling sensation of which caused their laughter to become even louder.
Once their laughter died down, they remained in their position, too comfortable to do anything else.
And as he felt the comfortable warmth that had finally returned to the blonde traveler, Yuu thought back towards Lumine's emotional rant.
It was… bad. Honestly, some part of him was glad that he was always expecting the worst out of everything, because he would've been caught off guard otherwise.
Now, after having properly digested everything, he couldn't help but once again lament the sheer idiocy in the way he acted.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing much." Despite the dried tear stains marring her beautiful face, seeing how she has acted how she usually does, Yuu couldn't resist cupping her cheek as he let out a smile. "Just thinking about how I should go about things, really."
Despite knowing that he has to change, Yuu honestly has no idea where to even begin. The only thing he could think of right now would be by starting small, limiting himself to how he acts around her when it's just the two of them and see how it goes from there.
"Looks like I have my work cut out for me."
While Yuu was busy contemplating his life, Lumine stared at her boyfriend's face, taking advantage of her current situation to lean into his touch. She had a vague idea of what's going on inside that brain of his, and before he could begin to overthink things again, she wanted to make things absolutely clear.
"You do realize you don't have to change who you are, right?"
Seeing him broken out of his thoughts only to stare at her wide eyed as if what she said was something surprising, she knew she made the right choice.
"Wait, really?"
"Duh?" Again, seeing her being dumbfounded like this makes her wonder whether he's as reliable as she remembers him being. "Do you honestly think I'm that unreasonable?"
"Do you… really want me to answer that?"
"Oh my fucking god." Shaking the hands he had on her face, Lumine grabbed onto Yuu's shoulder as she put on a serious face. "Listen, Yuu. What I mean is, you wanting to change is fine, but don't force yourself to be someone you're not. You know now what it is that you did wrong, all you have to do is fix that particular problem. If you can simply separate the dead branch, why bother cutting down the whole tree?"
"Huh. I… didn't realize that was an option…."
At this point, exasperation was practically written all over Lumine's face. "For someone who prided himself to be the rational one, you sure can be utterly clueless sometimes."
"It's just… seeing you sad like that… I thought it would be better if I went all the way…."
"Don't even think about it." Grabbing his head, Lumine stared directly into Yuu's eyes. "Disregarding how annoying that tsundere act of yours can be, I like you just the way you are, you know? Do you think we would be here together if I didn't?"
Before Yuu could even formulate a response, Lumine continued.
"You said it yourself before, but just in case you forgot, let me remind you: Stop lying to yourself."
Seeing his indigo eyes slowly lit up with understanding, a bright smile began to form on the blonde traveler's face.
"You are your own person, Yuu. Don't ever forget that."
Hearing her words, Yuu couldn't help but pause.
While all that resolve he has gathered was admirable, it seems that his tendency to overthink things seems to bleed out still even when he didn't intend to.The saying that old habits die hard does indeed have some merit after all.
'I really have my work cut out for me, huh?'
Usually, the thought of the coming hardship would've caused him no end of headache. While this one is no different, the simple thought of doing it to protect her smile brings him no small amount of motivation.
And the sight of that blonde traveler, happily smiling in such a carefree way as she straddles his legs, it only further reinforces his resolve.
Deciding to take that first step right now, Yuu stopped holding himself back and practically tackled the girl into a hug.
Though Lumine was caught by surprise, she was more than happy to return his sudden gesture, the feeling of elation filled her heart.
"Now this is a surprise." As Lumine laid down on the hard wooden floor, she brought one of her hands towards the back of Yuu's head as she proceeded to play with his hair. "To think that a day would come where you would do something like this. Care to explain why?"
"I just feel like it." With a muffled voice, Yuu nonchalantly answered her question before raising his head from her chest. "Think of it as me taking the initiative for once."
"Fufu, I like the sound of that."
"I bet you do."
And as the two otherworldly travelers embraced one another yet again, they can finally rest easy knowing that they've finally managed to put this matter to rest. While the matters of the heart are never an easy one to deal with, those who managed to triumph over them came out stronger than they were before.
In his case, the boy who wanders this world without a purpose has perhaps finally found some semblance of reason in the life he always deemed meaningless.
In her case, the girl who was imprisoned in this foreign world can finally rest easy, knowing that her guiding light would never lead her astray, and will always be with her every step of the way.
Perhaps these two, each broken in their own right, would be able to pick up each other's pieces and create something beautiful to call their own as they take their step towards the journey of their lifetime.
For now though?
Simply having each other by their side is enough.