I can't get enough of her, but I think it's okay because she can't seem to get enough of me. She woke me up this morning by sliding on top of me and kissing my neck.
She ended up on her back seconds later with my mouth between her thighs.
Maybe we're so hungry for each other because we know it's rare that we'll get days like this. Or maybe it's because we've missed each other for so many years.
Or maybe this is just what things are like when you're in love. I've been with women aside from Lily, but I'm convinced she's the only one I've ever truly loved.
My feelings for Lily are amplified unlike anything I've ever experienced. They're even more amplified than the feelings I had for her when we were younger. It's different now—stronger, deeper, more exciting. There's no way in hell I'd walk away from her now like I did back then.
I know I was in a different headspace entirely at the age of eighteen, and that had a lot to do with why I didn't feel like I should stick around for her. But I'm all-in now. I absolutely hate the idea of taking it slow. I get why we need to, but I don't have to like it. I want her near me every day, because I feel absolutely unfulfilled on the days I can't see her.
Now that we've stayed the night together, I have a feeling the ache is going to get worse. I'm going to grow irritable when I have to go too long without seeing her. She's standing right next to me while we brush our teeth, but I'm already dreading that she's about to leave.
Maybe if I offer to cook her breakfast, I'll get her for at least another hour.
"Why do you have a spare toothbrush?" Lily asks me. She spits her toothpaste into my sink and winks at me. "You have overnight guests a lot?"
I smile at her and rinse my mouth, but I don't answer that question. I have that toothbrush for her, but I don't want to admit it. I've made a lot of small moves over the years that were all excused with just in case Lily…
After she left my place a couple of years ago while she was hiding from Ryle, I went out and bought a lot of things just in case she needed to come back. An extra toothbrush, more comfortable pillows for my guest room, a change of clothes in case she showed up in an emergency.
I had a Lily emergency kit, if you will. I guess now it's more of a Lily sleepover kit. And yes, I brought it all to the new house with me when I moved. I've always had a little bit of hope that we'd end up together someday.
Hell, if I'm being honest with myself, I've had a great deal of hope. I've based a lot of my decisions on the possibility that Lily might come back into my life. I even chose this house over another one I was considering, simply because of the backyard. It looked like a backyard Lily would fall in love with.
I wipe my mouth on a hand towel and then hand it to her to use. "Can I make you breakfast before you go?"
"Yeah, but kiss me first. I taste better than I did this morning." She stands on her tiptoes and I wrap my arms around her and lift her the rest of the way to my mouth. I kiss her while I walk her out of the bathroom and then drop her onto my mattress. I hover over her.
"You want pancakes? Crepes? An omelet? Biscuits and gravy?" Before she can answer me, my doorbell rings. "Josh is home." I give her a quick peck. "He likes pancakes. Will that work?"
"I love pancakes."
"Pancakes it is." I walk to the living room and unlock the door for Josh. I open it, and then I immediately freeze at the sight of my mother.
I sigh, frustrated I didn't use the peephole.
She looks at me flatly, her arms folded across her chest. "I got a visit from a caseworker yesterday." Her eyes are accusing, but at least she isn't yelling.
I am not about to do this with Lily here. I step outside and try to close the door, but my mother slaps it open. "Josh, get out here!" she yells into the house.
"He isn't here." I keep my voice low.
"Where is he?"
"At a friend's house." I pull my phone out of my pocket and check the time. Brad said he'd have Josh here by ten, and it's ten fifteen. Please don't let him show up while Sutton is here.
"Call him," she demands.
The door is wide open from when Sutton pushed it, so I can see out of the corner of my eye when Lily emerges from the hallway.
This is not how I wanted my morning with Lily to end. I can feel the regret slide all the way through me. I shoot her an apologetic look, and then give my attention back to Sutton.
"What did the caseworker say?" I ask her.
Her mouth screws into a tight twist, and then she looks to her left. "They're not even opening an investigation. If you don't return him to me today, I'll file charges."
I know the steps Child Protective Services has to take during an investigation, and they haven't even contacted Josh for an interview yet. "You're lying. I'd like you to leave."
"I'll leave when I have my son."
I exhale. "He doesn't want to live with you right now." Or ever, but I save that sting.
"He doesn't want to live with me," she repeats with a laugh. "What kid that age wants to live with their parents? And how many parents haven't slapped a kid that age? They don't end custody over that. Jesus Christ." She folds her arms over her chest again. "The only reason you're doing this is to get back at me."
If she knew me, she would know I'm not vengeful like she is. But of course, the conclusion she comes up with is something that only fits her own personality. "Do you miss him?" I ask her, my voice calm. "Honestly. Do you miss him? Because if you're doing this to prove something to someone, just let it go. Please."
Brad's car turns onto the street, and I wish there were a way I could ask him to keep driving. But he's pulling up to the curb before I can even reach my phone. Sutton follows my line of sight and sees Josh opening the back door of Brad's car.
She immediately walks toward the car, but Josh pauses when he sees her. More like freezes. He doesn't know what to do.
Sutton snaps her fingers and points at her car. "Let's go. We're leaving."
Josh immediately looks at me. I shake my head and motion for him to come inside. Brad can sense something is off, so he puts the car in park and opens his door.
Josh ducks his head and walks directly across the yard, past Sutton, and rushes toward me. Sutton is hot on his trail, so I try to get Josh inside quick enough to close the door on her, but she's too fast. I'm not about to injure her with the door, so I just let her inside.
I guess we're doing this now.
I wave to Brad to let him know he can go, and then I look at Lily, who is standing against a wall, watching everything unfold with a surprised look on her face.
I mouth, I'm sorry.
Josh tosses his backpack on the floor and sits down on the couch, firmly folding his arms. "I'm not going with you," he says to Sutton.
"This isn't up to you."
Josh looks directly at me, pleading. "You said I could stay here."
"You can."
Sutton shoots daggers at me like I'm out of line. Maybe I am. Maybe it's not my business to be getting in the way of a mother and her child, but she should have thought twice about that before she made me that child's brother. I can't turn the other way and just hope he makes it out okay.
"If you don't come with me, I'll have your brother arrested."
Josh slaps his hands on the couch and pushes himself up. "Why can't it be my choice?" he yells. "Why do I have to live with either one of you? I've told you both I want to live with my dad, but no one will help me find him!" Josh's voice cracks, and then he's marching down the hallway. The slam of his door makes me flinch… or maybe it was what he said before running to his room.
Either way, I feel punctured.
Sutton can see the sting because she's staring at me, assessing my reaction to that.
Then she starts to laugh. "Oh, Atlas. You thought you were doing something here? Forming a bond with him?" She shakes her head and throws up her hand in defeat. "Take him to his daddy. You'll be running back to me next week, just like you did the last time you needed my help."
She walks to the door and leaves, and I'm too dazed by everything that just happened to walk over and lock it.
Lily does it for me.
She starts to walk toward me with a face full of sympathy, but as soon as she pulls me in for a hug, I shake my head and separate myself from her. "I need a minute."