Mine and Ryle's situation has been an unconventional one since Emerson was born. I don't think many couples file divorce papers at the same time they sign their newborn's birth certificate.
As much as I was disappointed in Ryle for being the thing that forced me to have to make the decision to end our marriage, I didn't want to prevent him from bonding with our daughter. I cooperate with him as much as I can since his schedule is so hectic. I sometimes even take her to his work to visit him on his lunch break.
He's also had a key to my place since before Emerson was born. I only gave it to him because I lived alone and was afraid I'd go into labor and he'd need access to the apartment. But he never gave the key back after her birth, even though I've been meaning to ask him for it. He sometimes uses it on the rare occasions he has a late surgery and has extra time to spend with Emmy in the mornings after I head to work. That's why I haven't asked for it back. But lately, he's been using the key to bring Emmy home.
He texted me just before I closed the shop earlier and told me Emmy was tired, so he was taking her to my place to put her to bed. The frequency he's been using the key lately is making me wonder if Emmy is the only one he's trying to spend more time with.
My front door is unlocked when I finally make it to my apartment. Ryle is in the kitchen. He glances up at me when he hears the front door shut.
"I grabbed dinner," he says, holding up a bag from my favorite Thai place. "You haven't eaten, have you?"
I don't like this. He's been making himself more and more comfortable here. But I'm emotionally drained from the day already, so I shake my head and decide to confront the issue at a different time. "I haven't. Thank you." I set my purse on the table and pass the kitchen, heading for Emmy's room.
"I just laid her down," he warns.
I pause right outside her door and press my ear to it. It's quiet, so I back away from the door and head into the kitchen without waking her.
I feel awful about my short response to Atlas earlier, but this interaction with Ryle is confirming all my concerns. How am I supposed to start something with someone new when my ex still brings me dinner and has a key to my apartment?
I need to set firm boundaries with Ryle before I can even begin to entertain the idea of Atlas.
Ryle chooses a bottle of red wine from my tabletop wine rack. "Mind if I open this?"
I shrug as I spoon pad thai onto my plate. "Go ahead, but I don't want any."
Ryle puts the bottle back and opts for a glass of tea. I grab a water out of the fridge, and we both take a seat at the table.
"How was she today?" I ask him.
"A little cranky, but I had a lot of errands to run. I think she just got tired of going in and out of the car seat. She was better when we went over to Allysa's."
"When's your next day off?" I ask him.
"Not sure. I'll let you know." He reaches forward and uses his thumb to wipe something off my cheek. I flinch a little, but he doesn't notice. Or maybe he pretends not to. I'm not sure if he realizes the reaction I have anytime his hand comes near me is a negative one. Knowing Ryle, he probably thinks I flinched because I felt a spark.
After Emmy was born, there were moments here and there when I would feel a spark between us. He'd do or say something sweet, or he'd be holding Emmy while he sang to her, and I would feel that familiar desire for him bubbling up inside of me. But I somehow found it within me to pull myself out of the moment every time. It only takes one bad memory to immediately dull any fleeting feelings I have in his presence.
It's been a long, bumpy road, but those feelings are finally nonexistent.
I attribute that to the list I wrote of all the reasons why I chose to divorce him. Sometimes, after he leaves, I go to my bedroom and read it to reiterate that this arrangement is the best one for all of us.
Well. Maybe not this exact arrangement. I'd still like my key returned to me.
I'm about to take another bite of noodles when I hear a muffled ping come from my purse across the table. I drop my fork and quickly reach for my phone before Ryle does. Not that he would read my texts, but the last thing I want right now is for him to even try to be polite by handing me my phone. He might see that the text is from Atlas, and I'm not prepared for the storm that would bring.
The text isn't from Atlas, though. It's from my mother. She's sending pics of Emmy she took earlier this week. I set the phone down and pick up my fork, but Ryle is staring at me.
"It was my mother," I say. I don't know why I even say that. I don't owe him an explanation, but I don't like the way he's staring at me.
"Who were you hoping it would be? You practically lunged across the table for your phone."
"No one." I take a drink. He's still staring. I have no idea how well Ryle can read me, but it looks like he knows I'm lying.
He spins his fork in his noodles and looks down at his plate with a hardened jaw. "Are you seeing someone?" There's an edge to his voice now.
"Not that it's any of your business, but no."
"Not saying it is my business. Just having a casual conversation."
I don't respond to that because it's a lie. Any recently divorced husband asking his ex-wife if she's seeing someone is making anything but casual conversation.
"I do think we need to have a more serious conversation at some point about dating," he says. "Before either of us brings other people around Emerson. Maybe lay some ground rules."
I nod. "I think we need to lay ground rules for a lot more than just that."
His eyes narrow. "Like what?"
"Your access to my apartment." I swallow. "I'd like my key back."
Ryle stares stoically before he responds. Then he wipes his mouth and says, "I can't put my daughter to bed?"
"That's not what I'm saying at all."
"You know my schedule is crazy, Lily. I hardly get to see her as it is."
"I'm not saying I want you to see her any less. I just want my key back. I value my privacy."
Ryle's expression is tight. He's upset with me. I knew he would be, but he's making this into more than it is. It has nothing to do with how much I want him to see Emmy. I just don't want him having easy access to my apartment. I moved out and divorced him for a reason.
It's not going to be a huge change, but it's one that needs to happen, or we'll be stuck in this unhealthy routine forever.
"I'll just start keeping her overnight, then." He says it with such conviction while eyeing me for a reaction. I know he can feel the discomfort I'm suddenly drowning in.
I keep my voice calm. "I don't think I'm ready for that."
Ryle drops his fork on his plate with a thud. "Maybe we need to modify the custody arrangement."
Those words infuriate me, but I somehow prevent my rage from boiling over. I stand and pick up my plate. "Really, Ryle? I ask for the key to my apartment back and you threaten me with court?"
We agreed to this arrangement, but he's acting like that was for my benefit rather than his. He knows I could have taken him to court for sole custody after everything he put me through. Hell, I never even had him arrested. He should be grateful I've been as generous as I have.
When I get to the kitchen, I set down my plate and grip the edges of the counter, allowing my head to drop between my shoulders. Calm down, Lily. He's just reacting.
I hear Ryle sigh regretfully, and then he follows me into the kitchen. He leans against the counter while I rinse my plate. "Can you at least give me a timeline?" His voice is lower when he speaks. "When will I get overnights with her?"
I press my hip against the counter and face him. "When she can talk."
"Why then?"
I hate that he even needs me to say this out loud. "So she can tell me if something happens, Ryle."
When the full meaning of what I've just said sinks in, he chews on his bottom lip with a small nod. I can see the frustration in the veins that rise in his neck. He pulls his keys out of his pocket and removes my apartment key. He tosses it on the counter and walks away.
When he grabs his jacket and disappears out the front door, I feel that familiar twinge of guilt creeping into my chest. The guilt is always followed by doubts like, Am I being too hard on him? and What if he really has changed?
I know the answers to these questions, but sometimes it feels good to read the reminders. I go to my room and pull the list out of my jewelry box.
1) He slapped you because you laughed.
2) He pushed you down a flight of stairs.
3) He bit you.
4) He tried to force himself on you.
5) You had to get stitches because of him.
6) Your husband physically hurt you more than once. It would have happened again and again.
7) You did this for your daughter.
I run my finger over the tattoo on my shoulder, feeling the small scars he left there with his teeth. If Ryle did these things to me at the highest points of our relationship, what would he be capable of at the lowest?
I fold the list and put it back in my jewelry box for the next time I might need a reminder.