After Ryle left me his keys this afternoon; I debated going back to our new apartment. I even had a cab pull up to the building, but I couldn't force myself out of the car. I knew if I went back there today, I'd probably see Allysa at some point. I'm not ready to explain the stitches on my forehead to her. I'm not ready to see the kitchen where Ryle's harsh words cut through me. I'm not ready to walk into the bedroom where I was completely destroyed.
So instead of returning to my own home, I took the cab back to Atlas's house. It feels like my only safe zone right now. I don't have to confront things when I'm hiding out here.
Atlas has already texted me twice today checking on me, so when I get a text a few minutes before seven o'clock in the evening, I assume it's from him. It's not; it's from Allysa.
Allysa: You home from work yet? Come up and visit us, I'm already bored.
My heart sinks when I read her text. She has no idea what happened between me and Ryle. I wonder if Ryle even told her he left for England today. My thumb types and erases and types some more as I try to come up with a good excuse as to why I'm not there.
Me: I can't. I'm in the emergency room. Hit my head on that shelf in the storage room at work. Getting stitches.
I hate that I lied to her, but it'll save me from having to explain the cut and also why I'm not home right now.
Allysa: Oh no! Are you alone? Marshall can come sit with you since Ryle is gone.
Okay, so she knows Ryle left for England. That's good. And she thinks we're fine. This is good. That means I have at least three months before I have to tell her the truth.
Look at me, sweeping shit under the rug just like my mother.
Me: No, I'm fine. I'll be finished up by the time Marshall could even get here. I'll come by tomorrow after work. Give Rylee a kiss for me.
I lock the screen on my phone and set it on my bed. It's dark outside now, so I immediately see the scroll of the headlights as someone pulls into the driveway. I instantly know that it isn't Atlas, because he uses the driveway to the side of the house and parks in the garage. My heart begins to race as fear rushes through me. Is it Ryle? Did he find out where Atlas lives?
Moments later, there's a loud knock at the front door. More like pounding. The doorbell also rings.
I tiptoe to the window and barely move the curtains over far enough to take a look outside. I can't see who's at the door, but there's a truck in the driveway. It doesn't belong to Ryle.
Could it be Atlas's girlfriend? Cassie?
I grab my phone and make my way down the hallway, toward the living room. The pounding on the door and the chime of the doorbell are still going off simultaneously. Whoever is at the door is being ridiculously impatient. If it is Cassie, I already find her extremely annoying.
"Atlas!" a guy yells. "Open the damn door!"
Another voice—also male—yells, "My balls are freezing up! They're raisins, man, open the door!"
Before I open the door and let them know Atlas isn't home, I text him, hoping he's about to pull in the driveway and deal with this himself.
Me: Where are you? There are two men at your front door and I have no idea if I should let them in.
I wait through more presses of the doorbell and more pounding, but Atlas doesn't immediately text me back. I finally walk to the door and leave the chain bolted, but unlock the deadbolt and open the door a few inches.
One of the guys is tall, about six feet or so. Despite the youthful look to his face, his hair is salt and pepper. Black with a little bit of gray sprinkled in. The other one is shorter by a few inches, with sandy brown hair and a baby face. They both look to be in their late twenties, maybe early thirties. The tall one's face twists into confusion. "Who are you?" he asks, peeking through the door.
"Lily. Who are you?"
The shorter one pushes in front of the taller one. "Is Atlas here?"
I don't want to tell them no, because then they'll know I'm here alone. I don't necessarily hold much trust in the male population this week.
The phone in my hand rings and all three of us jump from the unexpectedness of it. It's Atlas. I swipe the answer button and bring it to my ear.
"Hello?"
"It's fine, Lily, they're just friends of mine. I forgot it was Friday, we always play poker on Fridays. I'll call them now and tell them to leave."
I look back at the two of them and they're just standing there, watching me. I feel bad that Atlas feels like he has to cancel his plans just because I'm crashing at his house. I shut the door and unlock the deadbolt, then open the door again, motioning them inside.
"It's fine, Atlas. You don't have to cancel your plans. I was about to go to bed anyway."
"No, I'm on my way. I'll have them leave."
I still have the phone pressed to my ear when the two men enter the living room.
"See you soon," I say to Atlas and then end the call. The next few seconds are awkward as the guys assess me and I assess them.
"What are your names?"
"I'm Darin," the tall one says.
"Brad," the shorter one says.
"Lily," I say to them, even though I already told them my name. "Atlas will be here soon." I move to close the door and they seem to relax a little. Darin heads into the kitchen and helps himself to Atlas's refrigerator.
Brad takes off his jacket and hangs it up. "Do you know how to play poker, Lily?"
I shrug. "It's been a few years, but I used to play with friends in college."
Both of them walk toward the dining room table.
"What happened to your head?" Darin asks as he takes a seat. He asks it so casually, like it doesn't even cross his mind that it might be a sensitive subject.
I don't know why I have an urge to give him the naked truth. Maybe I just want to see how someone will react when they find out my own husband did this to me.
"My husband happened. We got into a fight two nights ago and he head-butted me. Atlas took me to the emergency room. They gave me six stitches and told me I was pregnant. Now I'm hiding out here until I figure out what to do."
Poor Darin is frozen, halfway between standing and sitting. He has no idea how to respond to that. Based on the look on his face, I think he's convinced I'm crazy.
Brad pulls out his chair and takes a seat, pointing at me. "You should get some Rodan and Fields. The amp roller works wonders for scarring."
I immediately laugh at his random response. Somehow.
"Jesus, Brad!" Darin says, finally sinking into his seat. "You're worse than your wife with this direct sales shit. You're like a walking infomercial."
Brad raises his hands in defense. "What?" he says innocently. "I'm not trying to sell her anything, I'm being honest. The stuff works. You'd know that if you'd use it on your damn acne."
"Screw you," Darin says.
"It's like you're trying to be a perpetual teenager," Brad mutters. "Acne isn't cool when you're thirty."
Brad pulls out the chair next to him while Darin begins shuffling a deck of cards. "Have a seat, Lily. One of our friends decided to be an idiot and get married last week, and now his wife won't let him come to poker night anymore. You can be his fill-in until he gets a divorce."
I had every intention of hiding out in my room tonight, but these two make it hard to walk away. I take a seat next to Brad and reach across the table. "Hand me those," I say to Darin. He's shuffling the cards like a one-armed infant.
He raises an eyebrow and pushes the deck of cards across the table. I don't know much about card games, but I can shuffle cards like a pro.
I separate the cards into two piles and scoot them together, pressing my thumbs to the ends, watching as they beautifully intertwine. Darin and Brad are staring at the deck of cards, when there's another knock on the door. This time the door swings open without pause and a guy walks in dressed in what looks like a very expensive tweed jacket. There's a scarf wrapped around his neck, and he begins to unwind it as soon as he slams the door behind him. He nudges his head in my direction as he walks toward the kitchen. "Who are you?"
He's older than the other two, probably in his mid-forties.
Atlas definitely has an interesting mix of friends.
"This is Lily," Brad says. "She's married to an asshole and just found out she's pregnant with the asshole's baby. Lily, this is Jimmy. He's pompous and arrogant."
"Pompous and arrogant are the same thing, idiot," Jimmy says. He pulls out the chair next to Darin and nudges his head at the cards in my hands. "Did Atlas plant you here to hustle us? What kind of average person knows how to shuffle cards like that?"
I smile and begin to pass cards out to each of them. "I guess we'll have to play a round to find out."
• • •
We're on our third round of bets when Atlas finally walks in. He closes the door behind him and looks around at the four of us. Brad said something funny right before Atlas opened the door, so I'm in the middle of a fit of laughter when Atlas locks eyes with me. He nods his head toward the kitchen and begins walking in that direction.
"Fold," I say, laying my cards flat on the table as I stand up to follow him. When I get to the kitchen, he's standing where he isn't visible to the guys at the table. I walk over to him and lean against the counter.
"You want me to ask them to leave?"
I shake my head. "No, don't do that. I'm actually enjoying it. It's keeping my mind off things."
He nods and I can't help but notice how he smells like herbs. Rosemary, specifically. It makes me wish I could see him in action at his restaurant.
"You hungry?" he asks.
I shake my head. "Not really. I ate some leftover pasta a couple hours ago."
My hands are pressed into the counter on either side of me. He takes a step closer and puts one of his hands over mine, brushing his thumb across the top of it. I know he doesn't mean for it to be anything more than a comforting gesture, but when he touches me, it feels like a whole lot more. A rush of warmth moves up my chest and I immediately drop my eyes to our hands. Atlas pauses his thumb for a second, like he feels it, too. He pulls his hand away and backs up a step.
"Sorry," he mutters, turning toward the refrigerator, pretending to look for something. It's obvious he's trying to spare me from the awkwardness of what just happened.
I walk back to the table and pick up my cards for the next round. A couple of minutes later, Atlas walks over and takes the seat next to me. Jimmy shuffles out a round of new cards to everyone. "So, Atlas. How do you and Lily know each other?"
Atlas picks up his cards one at a time. "Lily saved my life when we were kids," he says, matter-of-fact. He glances over at me and winks, and I drown in guilt for the way that wink makes me feel. Especially at a time like this. Why is my heart doing this to me?
"Aw, that's sweet," Brad says. "Lily saved your life, now you're saving hers."
Atlas lowers his cards and glares at Brad. "Excuse me?"
"Relax," Brad says. "Me and Lily are tight, she knows I'm kidding." Brad looks at me. "Your life might be complete crap right now, Lily, but it'll get better. Trust me, I've been there."
Darin laughs. "You've been beat up and pregnant and hiding out at another man's house?" he says to Brad.
Atlas slaps his cards on the table and pushes back in his chair. "What the hell is wrong with you?" he yells at Darin.
I reach over and squeeze his arm reassuringly. "Relax," I say. "We bonded before you got here. I actually don't mind that they're making light of my situation. It really does make it a little less heavy."
He runs a frustrated hand through his hair, shaking his head. "I'm so confused," he says. "You were alone with them for ten minutes."
I laugh. "You can learn a lot about someone in ten minutes." I try to redirect the conversation. "So how do you all know each other?"
Darin leans forward and points at himself. "I'm the sous chef at Bib's." He points at Brad. "He's the dishwasher."
"For now," Brad interjects. "I'm working my way up."
"What about you?" I say to Jimmy.
He smirks and says, "Take a guess."
Based on the way he dresses and the fact that he's been called arrogant and pompous, I'd have to assume . . . "Maître d'?"
Atlas laughs. "Jimmy actually works in valet."
I glance back at Jimmy and raise an eyebrow. He tosses three poker chips down and says, "It's true. I park cars for tips."
"Don't let him fool you," Atlas says. "He works in valet, but only because he's so rich he gets bored."
I smile. It reminds me of Allysa. "I have an employee like that. Only works because she's bored. She's actually the best employee I have."
"Damn straight," Jimmy mutters.
I take a look at my cards when it's my turn and toss in the three poker chips. Atlas's phone rings and he pulls it out of his pocket. I'm raising the pot with another chip when he excuses himself from the table to take the call.
"Fold," Brad says, slapping his cards on the table.
I'm watching the hallway Atlas just disappeared down in a hurry. It makes me wonder if he's talking to Cassie, or if there's someone else in his life. I know what he does for a living. I know he has at least three friends. I just know nothing about his love life.
Darin lays his cards on the table. Four of a kind. I lay down my straight flush and reach forward for all the poker chips as Darin groans.
"So does Cassie not usually come to poker night?" I ask, fishing for more information on Atlas. Information I'm too scared to ask him myself.
"Cassie?" Brad says.
I stack my winnings up in front of me and nod. "Isn't that his girlfriend's name?"
Darin laughs. "Atlas doesn't have a girlfriend. I've known him for two years and he's never mentioned anyone named Cassie." He begins passing out new cards, but I'm trying to absorb the information he just gave me. I pick up my first two cards when Atlas walks back into the room.
"Hey, Atlas," Jimmy says. "Who the hell is Cassie and how come we've never heard you talk about her?"
Oh, shit.
I'm completely mortified. I tighten my grip around the cards in my hands and try to avoid looking up at Atlas, but the room grows so quiet, it would be more obvious if I didn't look at him.
He's staring at Jimmy. Jimmy is staring at him. Brad and Darin are staring at me.
Atlas folds his lips together for a moment and then says, "There is no Cassie." His eyes meet mine, but only for a brief second. But in that brief second, I can see it written all over his face.
There never was a Cassie.
He lied to me.
Atlas clears his throat and then says, "Listen, guys. I should have cancelled tonight. This week has been kind of . . ." He rubs his hand over his mouth and Jimmy stands up.
He squeezes Atlas on the shoulder and says, "Next week. My place."
Atlas nods appreciatively. The three of them begin to gather their cards and poker chips. Brad pries my cards from my fingers apologetically because I'm unable to move as I clutch them tightly.
"It was lovely meeting you, Lily," Brad says. I somehow find the strength to smile and stand up. I give them all hugs goodbye and after the front door closes behind them, it's just me and Atlas in the room.
And no Cassie.
Cassie's never even been in this room, because Cassie doesn't exist.
What the hell?
Atlas hasn't moved from his spot near the table. Neither have I. He's standing firm with his arms folded across his chest. His head is slightly tilted down but his eyes are boring into me from across the table.
Why would he lie to me?
Ryle and I weren't even an official couple yet when I ran into Atlas at that restaurant the first time. Hell, if Atlas had given me any reason to believe there was a chance between us that night, I know without a doubt that I would have chosen him over Ryle. I barely even knew Ryle at that point.
But Atlas didn't say anything. He lied to me and told me he'd been in a relationship for an entire year. Why? Why would he do that unless he didn't want me to think I had a chance with him?
Maybe I've been wrong all this time. Maybe he never even loved me to begin with and he knew that inventing this Cassie person would keep me away from him for good.
Yet, here I am. Crashing at his house. Interacting with his friends. Eating his food. Using his shower.
I can feel the tears begin to sting my eyes and the last thing I want is to stand in front of him and cry right now. I walk around the table and rush past him. I don't make it far when he grabs my hand. "Wait."
I stop, still facing the other direction.
"Talk to me, Lily."
He's right behind me now, his hand still wrapped around mine. I pull it away from him and walk to the other side of the living room.
I spin and face him just as the first tear rolls down my cheek. "Why did you never come back for me?"
He looked prepared for anything to come out of my mouth other than the words I just spoke to him. He runs a hand through his hair and walks to the couch, taking a seat. After blowing out a calming breath, he carefully looks over at me.
"I did, Lily."
I don't allow air to move in or out of my lungs.
I stand completely still, processing his answer.
He came back for me?
He folds his hands together in front of him. "When I got out of the Marines the first time, I went back to Maine, hoping to find you. I asked around and found out which college you went to. I wasn't sure what to expect when I showed up, because we were two different people by then. It had been four years since we saw each other. I knew a lot about both of us had probably changed in those four years."
My knees feel weak, so I walk to the chair next to him and lower myself. He came back for me?
"I walked around your campus the whole day looking for you. Finally, late that afternoon, I saw you. You were sitting in the courtyard with a group of your friends. I watched you for a long time, trying to work up the courage to walk over to you. You were laughing. You looked happy. You were vibrant like I'd never seen you before. I had never felt that kind of happiness for another person like I felt when I saw you that day. Just knowing you were okay . . ."
He pauses for a moment. My hands are clenched around my stomach, because it hurts. It hurts knowing I was so close to him and I didn't even know.
"I began walking toward you when someone came up behind you. A guy. He dropped to his knees next to you and when you saw him, you smiled and threw your arms around him. Then you kissed him."
I close my eyes. He was just a boy I dated for six months. He never even made me feel a fraction of what I had felt for Atlas.
He blows out a sharp breath. "I left after that. When I saw that you were happy, it was the worst and best feeling a person could ever have at once. But I believed at that point that my life was still not good enough for you. I had nothing to offer you but love, and to me, you deserved more than that. The next day I signed up for another tour in the Marines. And now . . ." He tosses his hand up lazily in the air, like nothing about his life is impressive.
I bury my head in my hands to take a moment. I quietly grieve what could have been. What is. What wasn't. My fingers move to the tattoo on my shoulder. I begin to wonder if I'll ever be able to fill in that hole now.
It makes me wonder if Atlas ever feels like I felt when I got this tattoo. Like all the air is being let out of his heart.
I still don't understand why he lied to me after running into me at his restaurant. If he really felt the things I felt for him, why would he make something like that up?
"Why did you lie about having a girlfriend?"
He rubs a hand over his face and I can already see the regret before I even hear it in his voice. "I said that because . . . you looked happy that night. When I saw you telling him goodbye, it hurt like hell, but at the same time I was relieved that you seemed to be in a really good place. I didn't want you to worry about me. And I don't know . . . maybe I was a little jealous. I don't know, Lily. I regretted lying to you as soon as I did it."
My hand goes to my mouth. My mind starts to race just as fast as my heart is racing. I instantly start thinking about the what-ifs. What if he would have been honest with me? Told me how he'd felt? Where would we be now?
I want to ask him why he did it. Why he didn't fight for me. But I don't have to ask him, because I already know the answer. He thought he was giving me what I wanted, because all he's ever wanted for me was happiness. And for some stupid reason, he's never felt I could get that with him.
Considerate Atlas.
The more I think about it, the more difficult it becomes to breathe. I think about Atlas. Ryle. Tonight. Two nights ago. It's too much.
I stand up and make my way back to the guest bedroom. I pick up my phone and grab my purse and go back to the living room. Atlas hasn't moved.
"Ryle left for England today," I say. "I think I should probably go home now. Can you drive me?"
A sadness enters his eyes and when it does, I know that leaving is the right thing to do. Neither of us has closure. I'm not sure we'll ever get it. I'm beginning to think closure is a myth, and being here right now while I'm still processing everything that's happening to my life is just going to make things worse for me. I have to eliminate as much confusion as possible, and right now, my feelings for Atlas top the list of most confusing.
He presses his lips tightly together for a moment, and then he nods and grabs his keys.
• • •
Neither of us speaks the entire drive to my apartment. He doesn't drop me off. He pulls into the parking lot and gets out of his car. "I'd feel better if you let me walk you up," he says.
I nod and we wade through even more silence as we ride the elevator up to the seventh floor. He follows me all the way to my apartment. I fish around in my purse for the keys and don't even realize my hands are shaking until my third failed attempt to open the door. Atlas calmly takes the keys from me and I step aside as he opens the door for me.
"Do you want me to make sure no one's here?" he asks.
I nod. I know Ryle isn't here because he's on his way to England, but I'm honestly still a little scared to walk into the apartment by myself.
Atlas walks in before me and flips on the lights. He continues walking through the apartment, flipping on all the lights and walking into each of the rooms. When he makes it back to the living room, he slides his hands in his jacket pockets. He takes a deep breath and then says, "I don't know what happens next, Lily."
He does. He knows. He just doesn't want it to happen, because we both know how much it hurts to say goodbye to each other.
I look away from him because seeing the look on his face right now cuts straight to my heart. I fold my arms over my chest and stare at the floor. "I have a lot to work through, Atlas. A lot. And I'm scared I won't be able to do it with you in my life." I lift my eyes back to his. "I hope you don't take offense to that, because if anything, it's a compliment."
He regards me silently for a moment, not at all surprised by what I'm saying. But I can see there's so much he wants to say. There's a lot I wish I could say to him, too, but we both know discussing the two of us isn't appropriate at this point. I'm married. I'm pregnant with another man's baby. And he's standing in the living room of an apartment that another man bought for me. I'd say these aren't very good conditions in which to bring up all the things we should have said to each other a long time ago.
He looks at the door momentarily as if he's trying to decide to leave or speak. I can see the twitch in his jaw right before he locks eyes with me. "If you ever need me, I want you to call me," he says. "But only if it's an emergency. I'm not capable of being casual with you, Lily."
I'm taken aback by his words, but only momentarily. As much as I wasn't expecting him to admit it, he's absolutely right. Since the day we met, there has been nothing casual about our relationship. It's either all in or not in at all. That's why he separated ties when he left for the military. He knew that a casual friendship would never work between us. It would have been too painful.
Apparently, that hasn't changed.
"Goodbye, Atlas."
Saying those words again tears me up almost as much as the first time I had to say them. He winces and then turns and walks to the door like he can't leave fast enough. When the door closes behind him, I walk over and lock it, then press my head against it.
Two days ago I was asking myself how my life could possibly get any better. Today I'm asking myself how it could possibly get any worse.
I jump back with the sudden knock at the door. It's only been ten seconds since he walked out, so I know it's Atlas. I unlock it and open it and I'm suddenly pressed against something soft. Atlas's arms wrap tightly around me, desperately, and his lips are pressed against the side of my head.
I squeeze my eyes shut and finally let the tears fall. I've cried so many tears for Ryle over the past two days, I have no idea how I still have any left for Atlas. But I do, because they're falling down my cheeks like rain.
"Lily," he whispers, still holding me tightly. "I know this is the last thing you need to hear right now. But I have to say it because I've walked away from you too many times without saying what I really want to say."
He pulls back to look down at me and when he sees my tears, he brings his hands up to my cheeks. "In the future . . . if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again . . . fall in love with me." He presses his lips against my forehead. "You're still my favorite person, Lily. Always will be."
He releases me and walks away, not even needing a response.
When I close the door again, I slide to the floor. My heart feels like it wants to give up. I don't blame it. It's suffered through two separate heartaches in the course of two days.
And I have a feeling it's going to be a long time before either of those heartaches can even begin to heal.