Half time into the game and it was a draw. Each team had scored once. “Let’s go grab some snacks, I’m hungry.” Sarah suggested.
“Hear that, big booty? It’s time to stand up.” I told Lucas.
“I don’t know, it’s a little too comfortable.” He hesitated.
“Stand.” I ordered, making him stand with a disappointed sigh.
“So…” Sarah drawled, smiling at me.
“What?” I smiled at the hint of mischief in her eyes.
“Anything happening lately?” She wiggled her brows at me. That was her way of asking what was going on between me and Lucas.
“We’re really just friends.” I whispered in her ear, but she rolled her eyes. Disbelief.
“You’ll tell me eventually.” She bragged with surety. I made no attempt at arguing or proving it to her since she was as stubborn as she could be.
“What are we having?” Lucas asked when we reached the stand for snacks.
“I’m not that hungry, so I’ll have popcorn and a bottle of water.” I answered.
Sarah always insisted on paying for my snacks, but Lucas stopped her before she could take money out of her purse. He handed a twenty to the man behind the stand.
“Oh, thank you.” Sarah smiled at him as he took his change.
“It’s no problem.” He shook his head.
“I’m Sarah, by the way.” She introduced, holding her hand out for him. He took it in a short handshake. “So, how did you two meet?”
I gave her a side eye. She was trying to wean information from him since she was unsuccessful with me.
Lucas decided to entertain her, anyway. “Oh, someone was hiding in the art studio with a sandwich when I was about to start my project. Long story short, she choked on the sandwich and sold herself out.”
Sarah looked from his face to mine, waiting for one of us to tell her it was a joke. Unfortunately for me, it was not. She laughed, clutching her stomach. I frowned at Lucas, who merely shrugged.
“You choked on a sandwich, Cleo. That’s horrible.” She managed to breathe through her laughter.
“It’s horrible to laugh at that.” I shoved a handful of popcorn in my mouth and chewed aggressively, not minding how much it hurt the roof of my mouth.
My mind drifted off to when Belle used to be the main target of our playful teases. She would always try and fail to hide her smile through her mutters of complaint.
I bit the inside of my cheek. I was not going to cry at a moment like that, shitting on everyone’s day. That would make me not only a terrible sister, but a friend to be kept at a distance.
“I’ll be right back. I spy ice shavings.” Sarah hurried off.
“Are you okay?” Lucas leaned close to me, whispering.
“What?” I gave him a confused look.
“You looked out of it, and it wasn’t the good kind.” He frowned.
“Ever heard of the resting bitch face?” I rolled my eyes with a smile. Lie.
His frown deepened. He kept staring, like I would magically spill. “I’m okay. The popcorn just doesn’t have enough sugar.” Another lie.
“Cleo...” He trailed off, crossing his arms.
“Don’t, Lucas. You can’t force me to say something I’m not comfortable talking about.” I snapped.
His facial expression relaxed and he gave a firm nod. “I’m sorry.”
“No, I should be apologizing.” I shook my head. That was the problem, now. Handling my emotions properly was something I was unlearning, and I didn’t like what it did to my relationships with people.
“I got one for each of you!” Sarah announced, returning with three comes of shaved ice.
“Thanks.” Lucas and I said at the same time, taking one each. I didn’t know if he felt awkward about what had just happened, because I sure did.
“Let’s head back. What are you two standing all stiff there for? Come on.” Sarah ordered, walking ahead of us. Lucas and I shared a look, following her. I suppressed the urge to apologize again.
Good thing most of the seats were unoccupied. Lucas took up the seat beside me until the girl who was there for the first half returned and told him to get up.
“That’s my seat. Stand up.” She glared at him. I scoffed at her approach.
Without a word, he stood up and gave me an unsure smile. “Sit, already.” I laughed. He nodded with a grin and sat on my laps.
“Thank you, Cleo.”
“Always.”
The second half started and ended fast with our school down by two. It ended in a 3-1. Well, we didn’t make it to the states championship.
“They did good.” Sarah clapped.
“Not as good as they normally would, though.” I stated.
“I have no idea what I just watched.” Lucas chimed in.
“You don’t understand soccer?” Sarah raised a brow at him.
“I know when people win and lose, if that’s what you’re asking.” He shrugged.
Sarah looked at me with narrowed eyes. “Where did you find this guy?”
“Art studio.” I giggled as we all stood up. I would soon be on my way to the flower shop for a pink carnation, as always. I couldn’t wait to tell Belle about my new friend and how much I wanted her to be here.
“I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” I abruptly told them, slinging my backpack over my shoulder and heading to the exit.
“You’re going home?” Lucas asked, confused.
“Nope.” I simply replied, waving and leaving.
The flower shop was only five minutes away from the school by foot, so I made it quickly.
“Good day, Cleo.” Anne, the owner of the flower shop, greeted as soon as she saw me.
“Hello, Anne. Is it ready?” I asked with a large grin.
“You know it always is.” She replied, handing me a neatly-wrapped pink carnation. Mom had paid her to give me any flower I wanted for my sister.
“You’re all smiles today.” She noted.
“It’s a good day.” I told her, heading out of the shop and toward the cemetery.
The walk was going smoothly until I was supposed to cross the road. I stood in front of the zebra crossing, watching as people came and went. There were only a handful of cars on the road, but that didn’t stop my heart from thudding as fast as it could.
I swallowed. Why did I have to go through a lot of emotions just to cross the road? Heck, even the chicken crossed the road!
My hand was encased in a warm one. I craned my head and found Sarah smiling at me, Lucas on her other side. “Come on.” She pulled me carefully until we reached the other side.
“Thanks.” I smiled, wiping the stray tear that had made its way out of my left eye.
“Why didn’t you tell me you had a hard time crossing the road?” She inquired.
“I didn’t want it to be your problem.” I shook my head.
“Well, people see you having an obvious panic attack when you’re about to cross the road and they talk about it in school, so I found out. Unfortunately for you, it’s my problem now.” She scolded.
“We’re here, Cleo. It’s fine.” Lucas assured.
“You guys didn’t have to follow me. I’ll be fine.” I feigned a smile, walking toward the cemetery.
“You’re just going to leave us here? It’s been a while since I saw Belle. I want to go with you.” I stopped and turned at Sarah’s words.
“No problem.” I shrugged. I would just have to fake a conversation with Belle about my day in my head. I turned to Lucas with raised brows. “You?”
“Coming would feel like intrusion.” He shook his head.
“Do you want to?” I questioned.
“Do you want me to?” He threw back.
“You can if you want to.”
“Yes, but do you want me to?”
“Lucas…”
“Cleo…”
“What?” I stomped my feet.
“I didn’t know her that well. I think you both need your privacy with her, so I’ll just head home.” He smiled, giving us a salute with two fingers.
“Bye.” Sarah told him, while I gave him a small wave.
“You can text me anytime, Cleo. Don’t forget that.” He reminded.
“Sure.” I nodded.
“He likes you.” Sarah informed as we turned and continued toward the cemetery.
“Don’t be ridiculous. He’s just a good person.” I smiled.
“That’s also a possibility.” She nodded.
A cemetery was the last place I had thought I would like to spend my time, but things change. I didn’t like this change.
I saw Sarah stiffen as we got to where Belle’s headstone stood. A wave of shock was known to hit the people who knew her whenever they saw it again, even me. I liked to believe none of it happened, but it would all go grey as soon as I saw the proof.
I knelt in front of her and replaced yesterday’s flower with the one I had just gotten. In my head, she was excited to find out that I made a friend. She couldn’t wait to see him.
Sarah sat with her legs crossed beside me and stared at the words on the headstone with a watery smile. “That was her favorite thing to say whenever she walked into a room.”
I smiled at all the times I had heard her say those words; Here Comes the Sun!
“I acted like it was annoying, but it was catchy. I could tell how she was feeling with that. You would know if she wasn’t having a good day if she walked into class without saying it.” I laughed.
“Absolutely! She really was a sun, wasn’t she?” Sarah sniffled, wiping her tears.
I nodded. She was my sun. She always found a way to get me to smile when I was having the roughest of days. Seconds after a fight between us, she would hug me and call me stupid with tears in her eyes.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything, Sarah. I’m sorry I took your best friend away from you.” I cried.
“No, Cleo. You did not take her away from me. Things would have been different if that guy hadn’t been drunk-driving. I don’t want you blaming yourself. As long as you’re here, I can take it. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if something happened to you too.”
Yes, the drunk guy made a difference, but I played a part in it. If only I had kept holding her hand, I wouldn’t have to find comfort in a place where people found frightening.
“Promise me you won’t say all that nonsense about it being your fault.” Sarah persuaded.
I smiled at her. “Fine.”
“You have to promise.”
“Come on, Sarah.” I rolled my eyes.
“You will not take the blame for it. Belle will haunt me if I let you live like that.” She joked.
“Okay, I promise.” I chuckled. It wasn’t going to be easy, but I would get through it with the people around me.
“There we go.” Sarah ruffled my hair. “And stop skipping classes.”
“I’ll try.” I shrugged.
I may have lied to Lucas when I had said I wanted to be an English major. That was all Belle. I sucked at my English classes. I had no idea what I wanted to be, but I wanted to be a lot of things. There were opportunities in a lot of places, but I didn’t know how to start. My whole life was disorganized and falling apart before my eyes.
The main career my mind would drift toward when I thought about my future was nursing. The others were basic, everyday hobbies I was passionate about.
“Have you thought about college yet?” I asked Sarah.
“Yeah, I have it all planned out. I’m moving to California after high school. I’m going to an acting school.” She gave a distant smile.
Everyone had their futures planned out. Everyone except me.
“What about you?” She queried.
“Oh, I don’t know. Nursing seems like a distant dream now. My GPA is heading for the rocks, I miss classes and fail. It’s a cycle I’m not surprised by, anymore.”
“Aw, Cleo.” She frowned. “There’s so much going on with you and I’m just finding out?”
“None of it is your fault. Everything is overwhelming. I have no idea how to deal with big changes. You know, every time in the past that I had thought about the future, she was always there.” I referred to Belle.
“You were dependent on her.” She voiced out my thoughts.
“You could say that.” I chuckled.
“You’re at rock bottom, Cleo, and it might just be a good thing.”
“Because…?” My brows creased in confusion.
“You can only go up now.” She smiled.
“What if this isn’t rock-bottom? What if I fail and plunge deeper?” My doubts got a hold of me again.
“Then you’ll try again. If you fail again, you’ll try again. Something will always work out.” She encouraged.
“You should be a life coach.” I teased.
“I’ll consider it.” She played by the script.
Soon enough, the clouds started to gather. “That’s our cue.” Sarah stood up, dusting her skirt.
I kissed the headstone and headed out with her until our paths separated.
•
Going home to the emptiness of the house and a note Mom left informing me about the pizza in the fridge was the new normal.
There were lots of things I didn’t like about Belle being gone. Now, Mom buried herself in her work to get away from realty. Our relationship was strained, the trauma and bits of our love holding us up.
I microwaved three slices of pizza and took my phone out of my backpack. He did say I could text him anytime, so I did.
Me: Hi there. It’s Cleo.
I hit send and settled in front of the TV, changing channels until I got bored and left a crime show on. My phone made a short sound, informing me of a new text.
Sarah: Just got home. Are you home safe?
I took a picture of the pizza slices in front of me and sent it to her as a reply. Shortly after, she sent another text.
Sarah: Good to know. Enjoy.
I sent a text to show my appreciation of how much she cared. Just then, Lucas’ text came in.
Lucas: Did you get home already?
I sent him the same picture I had sent to Sarah and waited for a reply.
Lucas: Showoff!!!
I laughed as he sent a picture of some food too.
Me: What’s that?
He typed for a long while and stopped, then started again.
Lucas: YOU’RE TRYING TO TELL ME YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TAMALES ARE!??
I could almost picture his face as if he was saying it to me. It just made the situation funnier.
Me: What are tamales?
Not long after the message was tagged as seen, he called. I hesitated for a moment and finally decided to pick it up.
“You’re not joking? You really don’t know what tamales are?” He sounded calm. Too calm.
“It would be easier if you explain it. What is it?”
“Goddammit, Cleo. I don’t know how to explain what a tamale is. You’ll have to taste it to know.” He said.
“I don’t know how to make it. Cooking is not my thing.” I shook my head like he could see me.
“Art studio tomorrow, lunch break. I’ll bring some over so you can taste it.” He announced.
“Deal.”