Standing in the shallow grounds of water, while hearing the loud splashing and babbling sound of the cascading waterfall, my brows pulled up together in worry, feeling the anxiety crawling to my heart.
From this distance, the milky colour-like water streaming down over the rocks appeared serene and silent; like there is nothing harmful about it. But as I came closer to it, the pounding beats of its rippling water resounded loudly to my ears, making me feel anxious.
"I don't think this is a good idea…" I mumbled weakly, fidgeting with my fingers.
The woman next to me let out a silent sigh, which I still heard and made me subconsciously glance beside me. I stared at the 7 feet tall dark elven woman with pointed ears, wearing a white gown that covers the entire sensitive areas of her skin and body; her bald head and face held patience and willpower.
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger. So come now, Lady Moonlight. Chant the scripts and stand under the waterfall, so you could understand how water flows, and in this way, you will be able to, somehow, unlock your water attribute, while your mind is being cleansed."
I gulped nervously, listening to the old baldy dark elven woman spout some incredible motivation speech; all to make me sit under the towering waterfall. There was no problem with sitting under a waterfall, but that waterfall right in front of my eyes is a killer. Once I stand at the bottom of its current, is it possible that I would miraculously survive?
The answer is definitely a no!
Very positive about that.
That aint a cute waterfall. Its height can even compete against the great mountains in the world, measuring at the height of probably more than 4000 feet.
How the heck am I supposed to survive that?!
That isn't even called training anymore; that is called murdering!
"Lady Moonlight?" The old baldy woman called, snapping me out of the trance from staring at the deadly waterfall.
"Old baldy," I paused as I cleared my throat, then I corrected, "I mean, Priestess Camilla, with all due respect, I don't think I would survive that shi…waterfall."
The 7 feet tall baldy dark elven woman named Camilla gave me a helpless smile.
"Lady Moonlight, this is not just a matter of training; this is also for the sake of cleansing your mind, so you would be able to have a tougher mind when controlling your attributes; just consider it a test for you as the lightbringer of the moon," Camilla stated in a persuading tone.
My brows creased then I sighed in resignation. Do I even have a choice in this?
Well, let's just think that this is also for the sake of my goal, so I could return back home with Kendra; the soul wanderer Kendra, I mean.
At that, a feeble smile forms on my face. "Alright…" I muttered reluctantly.
"Then let's start." Camilla beckoned, striding her long legs near the waterfall.
With that, my shoulder slump as I dejectedly followed after Camilla.
After a night of celebration, King Hayam Wuruk introduced Priestess Camilla to me as the Dark Elf in-charge of training me to unseal my two attributes, which were supposedly water and fire.
The water attribute is said to be sealed by the Female Omega, Magwayen; the goddess of ocean and sea of souls. While the fire attribute is said to be sealed by the Male Omega Apolaki, the god of the sun and war, which is also said to be the strongest contender and rival of Goddess Mayari for the throne in the Celestial Heavens.
According to King Hayam, my dark attribute should be sealed like the other two attributes, but for some reason, I have already unlocked this attribute without any help from anyone. So me having my dark attribute unsealed is quite a shock for King Hayam and the others.
But for me, I think it was probably because of that poison; the one that caused the death of the original soul. Until now, I'm still not sure who tried to kill the original Nasrin. I'm having second thoughts whether it was really Lilith Salvador or maybe it was Lory.
I'm not sure; I think I need to meet those two again in order to feel who really assassinated the original soul of this body. It's my responsibility to discover the truth for the sake of the previous soul; this is the only way I know to repay my debt of occupying this body.
Anyway, what I'm sure of is that my body automatically unsealed the dark attribute in order to protect the body from the poison.
While my thoughts are running wild; the blaring babbling sound of the streaming water grows louder and louder to my ears, making my heart be filled with apprehension.
As we grew closer to the bottom of the rippling water, I felt even more nervous and frightened about my situation.
"Now, start augmenting your whole body with the earth attribute, and start thinking of yourself as the sturdiest rock that could endure this harsh current," Camilla said.
I nodded and did as she said, incorporating my whole body with the earth attribute. Afterwards, we did a set of repeated chants, and then we finally went under the streaming current.
As soon as I stood under the rippling cold liquid, I felt a strong course, hammering down to my head and shoulders, pressuring my whole body and drenching my white clothes.
I closed my eyes and felt the nature of water even more vividly.
All the while, I felt like I'm being rejuvenated for some reason. The feeling is refreshing to the mind and energising to the body. I can't focus on anything else aside from making myself sturdier and sturdier. All the worries in my head disappeared underneath this pounding current. The loud tumbling water beating against me made me forget all my problems as I found myself, getting lost in its peace.
It's magical.
According to Camilla, this kind of meditation is called water cleansing.
Indeed.
I felt like I'm being thoroughly cleansed and purified by the streaming liquid. But soon, it came to me that it is not easily done either; I have to maintain my calm attitude under the thundering water and feel every sense of its pulse.
The pressure of the water is forcing me to give all my attention to a single thing. That is to think of myself as the sturdiest rock, otherwise, my augmentation magic on my body will falter, and I will end up receiving the full blown effect of the monstrous power of the waterfall. To make it worse, the rippling water is freezing every inch and depths of my bone marrow; my lips trembled, shivering under the cold current of water.
Furthermore, I felt a bit out of breath under the continuous liquid streaming down my face, and it's not even gentle to me. My brows knitted together, feeling like I'm being choked with this pulsing current.
As I further stayed under the streaming water, I felt even more short of breath. Panting hard, I went out of the waterfall, breathing heavily.
"You must continue to deal with it under the waterfall, Lady Moonlight. Otherwise, you would just go back to step one and do everything all over again," Camilla stated beside me.
Frowning as I furrowed my brows, I took a heavy sigh as I went back standing under the rampaging current of the waterfall.
As I stood firmly underneath the bottom of the wild torrent; I motivated myself that this is for the sake of me and Kendra returning home; for Pula's wish and to make her rest in peace; for my family that is probably worried about me on earth; for the sake of growing stronger to protect peace in this world.
And in order for me to live a life free from guilt and concerns. So the dark attribute would no longer be able to control me because of my overwhelming emotions. At the end of the day, this is still all for me; I'm a selfish person and I know it.
Someday, once all of this ends, and I finally return back to my homeland; I'll live a fulfilling life as a hermit in the forest. I don't think I could return back to how I used to be, so when everything settles down, I will still continue living a loner life in a faraway; very far from the city and noise; maybe somewhere in the wilds, where nature surrounds me like this body of water.
At these thoughts, I felt something within me clicked; like I finally sorted my chaotic messy thoughts, and at last, I no longer feel like I'm lost. My home is myself and nowhere else; the comfort that nature gives to me; it's the only comfort I have in this world, and probably, no matter where I go; nature would always have a special spot within me.
Breathless, I had to take a deep breath through my mouth, pausing in betweens, and letting the air flow out. Exhale and pause; I repeatedly did that to ease the suffocation in my nostrils; this made me last under the waterfall.
After some time, I felt the blazing sun heating my face and front; I presume that it's finally noon time based on how hot the sun feels to my skin. My front felt hot as I felt like I'm being sunbathed by the fiery rays of the sun, but my back felt cold from the freezing water.
More hours passed, and I no longer felt the hot light of the sun, but instead, the water stream grew even more cold to my skin.
The freezing violent water current and the cold wind of the night; it's quite torturous to be honest.
Yet also, I can't put it into words, but it's fulfilling.
The slippery liquid to my skin, and the pressure that comes from it; it all grew in me, making me feel like this is where I belong. At the dead of the night and being submerged by the pressuring water; it made me feel complete for some reason.
As I stayed more, standing under the waterfall; every sense of the water became familiarised by me. Water is pure, abstaining from the taste, from the colour, and from the smell. It's probably why it is so peaceful to be in the water.
From what I understand. Water is calm; it's always tranquil, peaceful, and still. But it is also heavy, strong, and terrifying.
The more I stayed under the wild current; the more I understood the nature of water.
This continued until I finally heard the growing loud sound of the trickling rippling babble in my ears; it's the sound of the water attribute.
I smiled to myself triumphantly as I opened my eyes, staring at the glowing moon. 'One down, and one to go.'
***
Is it just me? Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me?
As I completed my mission to unseal the water attribute within me; Camilla made me rest; she told me to take my time to understand my emotions; to reflect on all of my behaviours.
It's a test, Camilla stated like a warning as she went and left.
I didn't understand it at first, but now that I'm no longer under the waterfall; now that I'm alone in my designated tent near the waterfall. I felt it.
That something was wrong with me.
I can't pinpoint what was wrong, but I could feel it. It's been affecting me ever since I started sensing the mana around me. From that very moment, I think that was when the change started.
What is it?
I have no idea. Perhaps it was just me being paranoid. I don't know. I'm not sure anymore.
I feel agitated. Something I don't have any idea about already happened to me without me knowing. But even at my anxiousness, I feel fine; I feel oddly serene; like nothing could disturb the peace of that water surface on my heart.
And that is what I'm worried about. This is what made me understand; that mana has been subconsciously affecting my mind and my emotions. The attribute of earth reflects my stubbornness; the attribute of air displays my arrogance and carefree side; the attribute of dark affects my mind and emotion, and now, the attribute of water is affecting all of me, reflecting each of these things. But no matter what was reflected; I remained still and tranquil.
Now that my emotions have calmed down to a freezing point; it was then that I understood my sins.
All those wretched thoughts; every damn word and curse; I never really meant them to happen; I never wanted those things to happen.
But they happened; I made it happen. Why did I do that?
I know I was mad, upset, and hurt. But I'm not someone who would want to do something horrible. However, saying that I didn't mean it will only make me a hypocrite. And not admitting will only make me feel irresponsible for my sins.
I did something bad; not just bad; it's a crime; it's a sin. An unforgivable sin.
What should I do?
I keep thinking of Pula; she must have been disappointed; she had already warned me. How could I face my family again? How could I return without feeling ashamed and guilty of my deeds?
I feel tormented.
I wanted to cry, but my heart is too calm, rigid, and stoic. It was so weird. I feel conflicted.
Why can't I no longer cry?
Alas, this is the price; the consequence of me seeking power. The water attribute is making me calm that no emotion can be felt in my face nor in my heart. I feel anger; boiling the water, but the surface remains calm nonetheless.
Upset at my impulsiveness; anger for my sins; madness for what I have experienced.
Why must I go through this torment?
Yet, all these thoughts that are running through my mind; every feeling I feel. Why can't I no longer feel?
Sadness, depression, and grief. Yet my face remains stoic and all the same calm.
Is this the test that Camilla talks about?
I see. So this is the test. For me to reflect; like how water reflects everything in the world, because of its transparency, so this was it.
If reflection is the test, then what is the right answer?
Throughout the night, I didn't sleep. Or more like, I couldn't sleep. My mind is busy thinking about the correct answer to the test. Pondering over my past behaviours. Contemplating over my subconscious thoughts.
Ever since I felt and sensed the lurking dark noise within me; I've been imagining terrible things. Reckoning for awful conduct and deeds that I could do to this world; all because I was furious and infuriated for losing Pula over my own weakness. Just because I felt helpless from the changes that have been happening to me. And the fact that I am powerless to bring me and Kendra home without going all through these troubles.
It left me vulnerable and unable to defend myself from the unpleasant thoughts that have been freely flooding in my mind.
The attribute of dark has been constantly playing in my mind, and I let it. Because I felt power from it, so I depended on it like it was my only salvation. That all the solutions to my worries are those miserable notions in my head.
I've been nothing but pathetic; it's laughable, insufferable, and distasteful. Hopelessly dreadful and desperate that it's unsightly.
I felt disgusted at my thoughts; it's sickening to think that I've held musings of destroying this world; just because I felt anguish over my transmigration and over the loss of a family.
Even if those deeds were justifiably reasonable; it was still a sin regardless of its intentions. I don't even have a right to regret it. Because I didn't feel remorseful at the time that I executed those transgressions.
Still, no matter what is said and done; I am the one responsible for my actions.
So how am I supposed to make things right again?
Those deeds and sins can't be undone; there is no undo button that would let me cancel or reverse my mistakes.
But I'm obliged to set things right; it's my responsibility. Not because I'm the lightbringer of the moon or whatever crap that they had been pressuring me about; it's because this is how I am raised by family on earth; this is my humanity. It is everything that I stand as a whole being, and as a person of conscience, I must act upon it and reform.
I have to make-up for what was done; to make amends to the implicated; to repair what was broken; to put everything in its proper place.
Is this the answer?
I don't know, but I think this is what I needed to do no matter what was the right answer to this test.
Not to mention I couldn't think of any accurate answer, because I don't know exactly what the test is. I was only told that this is a test, but what was the test? Was it really me reflecting about the past, present, and future?
Unable to sleep while my mind is running wild; I couldn't find the motivation to stay cooped up in this room, so I stood up.
Walking outside, the night is quiet but loud. Flapping wings of insects, and the loud ringing of the dark noise; everything is mixed together, blending well like it was supposed to be.
I glanced at the other tenth; it was closed. Camilla is probably resting, because she said that resting is very important for everyday life.
But my mind is plagued with worries, and I couldn't express them to any sorts of emotions. Because I feel strangely calm about all of it. I don't blame my water attribute for it; it was what made me realise what my faults are with my recent activities.
But to the extent of what I perceived; it's overwhelming yet I can't put out nor express a single emotion. I'm now stoic, unfeeling, and deadpan.
Now that I have become such an individual; I realise how much emotions I put up as a front into my sleeves. I'm always straightforward about it. I avoid thinking because I believe that it's a complicated thing. I don't like being critical or analytical. Instead, I like feeling things out. I like living a simple life, believing that things would work out as long as I believe it to be.
I guess that was too idealistic of me. Because things didn't work out as I wanted them to be, and I suppose I was too complacent. These flaws; it's the reason why I lost Pula. It explains why I'm so impulsive and reckless with my decisions and actions.
My approach in life cannot go on anymore. No matter how much I abhor change; it is with no doubt the solution to my concerns.
It's distressing, and that's why I have to go back there; spend the night there; underneath that rioting waterfall.
So I went there, devoting all of my concentration into meditation. For the whole night and until morning came, I stood under the freezing and overwhelming streaming liquid. Focusing on nothing in particular; just letting my thoughts be clear. Despite my body shaking from the cold air and water, I continued on. Because I don't know how else I could free myself from the unwanted thoughts of destruction and chaos. This is my only way to thoroughly take care of my mind.
Once my thoughts all get emptied and cleared up; I start treading my legs away, doing push ups or other forms of training as I reflect on myself. When my mind runs wild again, I would go back to the waterfall and cleanse my mind.
Repeatedly. Over and over. Again and again. Persistently without any pause or break. Just training and meditating.
As I did that time and time again; it came to me as I became aware. This was the answer.