In my peripheral vision, I could see the expectant gaze of Joan, and the expressionless face of Saint Agatha. As well as the anxious face of Alexandra, turning her head back and forth to me and to her aunt.
I open my mouth then close it again, feeling speechless at the scene in front of me. The silver haired man and the gladiator woman are both hanging their heads to their ways in front of me.
My eyes peered at the two, glinting with darkness.
As if this comedic farce would compensate for the wrongings they did to me. As if flogging their body is enough to compensate for what I lost. As if.
Nothing could compensate for a life that is lost, and what I lost is something more precious than any treasure in this world. What I lost is a family. The only one in this bloody world. And there is one more thing that I lost because of these two, and that thing is...myself.
Because I'm no longer who I was.
I don't know what I am currently, but I could feel that I'm no longer the same as before.
At this moment, I'm at the middle of the line between two contrasting personalities. I want to kill and yet not to kill. I want to hurt in madness, but I don't want to hurt anyone impulsively. However, I know that I'm slowly changing. The thing that I thought I'm most scared of going through is slowly happening.
But the funny thing is…
I don't feel scared, and right now, I only felt regret.
I thought I was scared of changing, but I realized that I was only being stubborn because of the memories I had on earth. I realized that I'm not scared of changing. What I'm scared of is having no one understand who I am. Having no family or friends who love and care for who you are or for what you are.
Losing the warmth of those memories is what I'm scared of. And I'm yearning for it in this world, and I had it within my hands. But I'm too stupid and slow that I only realized it later when everything was already…too late.
The ending is; I lost it; the warmth, the comfort, the care, and the love of a family. I lost Pula.
And it was because of me.
I wish I was strong and capable. Because if I was then I could have protected Pula at that time, then we could have lived peacefully as a hermit in a faraway forest. We could have traveled the world together. We could have experienced sadness and happiness together. I could have seen Pula falling in love with someone else, then they will have a baby, and our small family will grow bigger and merrier. Or if Pula doesn't want to marry because she is an aromantic asexual like me, then we can just live together in peace.
I could have that if only I was strong and capable, but I wasn't. I was not only slow and ignorant but also weak and stubborn in my ideals.
This is what I regret. For not being able to protect Pula. For being useless. For not being able to do anything. For feeling helpless of the situation. For losing the only one who made me feel truly warm in this world.
I regret that.
Dark noise started ringing again, murmuring something evil to my head. I remain seated, staring at the two trashy humans with a bit of clarity.
I let the dark noise come in and out of my head like air. I didn't find it repulsive, but I don't feel like accepting it either.
Pula is still in my left arm, resting in an eternal slumber. And I promise Pula that I'll try not to be reckless and impulsive, and that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to approach everything, thinking it through many times in my head before making a decision. Especially now that I discovered that I'm a little slow and dumb. I can only make up for my short-comings by thinking everything through, and by approaching obstacles through a step by step process.
It may seem slow, but at least, I know and I'm sure of what I'm doing. I don't want to get uncontrollable again. I promise Pula, so I'll try to take care of myself despite feeling no motivation in this world. Furthemore, there is something that needs to be settled with.
So, with careful thoughts, I lick my lips as I crave for blood. The white blade on my right has been quivering so shyly on the couch, and I can't help but imagine how magnificently beautiful it would be to cut off their heads, while blood showered me with scarlet red.
These thoughts lingered in my mind and never left the moment I saw them. However, Pula's cold body is still here in my left arm, and I promise her that I won't be reckless again. With a deep shaky sigh, I glance at Saint Agatha who stares at me with her usual expressionless face. Her blue eyes were bright unlike Kendra's deep blue one.
I feel like I'm being watched. Just like how the sky follows you everywhere. No matter where you go in the world, there will always be a sky. That's how it felt to me. Like I'm being observed by inescapable eyes.
I didn't let out any emotions as I stared at the whip again.
I have no credible evidence, and this inkling is purely my intuition. However, what I notice from the moment I transmigrated in this world is that my intuition is never wrong. It may not be accurate, but it can't be brushed off either.
So, if I feel something is weird then perhaps there is really something strange, and which is why, I have to get to the bottom of it because I promise Pula that I'll take care of myself.
Anyway, I need to prioritize my compensation first. I need to cheat some money and something important from these people. Although I said that nothing could compensate for Pula's life, I still need to make these people suffer. Not just physically tortured, but also emotionally and mentally beat up.
I need to make them feel a punishment worse than death. My eyes narrowed as I deliberately took a deep loud sigh, making sure that everyone in the room heard it.
'It's been a while since I started acting,' I thought in my mind, getting into my character.
Like I'm feeling an overwhelming emotion causing chaos in my heart. Deep inside, the dark noise is still ringing to my ears, and I still could feel a deep hunger for blood, but this time, I'm the one in control.
I've actually never been this calm. My heart is so serene that it feels weird but great. The dark noise ringing in my ears became a comforting music in my head, soothing my chaotic heart.
I raised my lips in a crescent smile, staring at the two in front of me. "Do you really think…that beating the two of you would even be…enough to compensate for what happened?" I said in a heavy tone, sneering at the two.
"Lady is free to exact punishment as much as you want," the gladiator woman answered, still in a respectful tone.
"Even if you are beaten up a million times until you're…" I paused, squinting my eyes like a moon as I smiled in delight. "...dead?"
The gladiator woman trembled slightly. While the silver haired man looked up, glaring at me.
In the corner of my eyes, I saw Alexandra frowning, while Joan only shrugs as she smokes, and Saint Agatha remains calm with no emotion.
"If that is the punishment then we will dutifully receive it," the gladiator woman replied, dangling the leather whip in front of me even closer.
With narrowed eyes, I stared at the whip that felt familiar. Seeing the leather whip being presented to my face; I felt my back itches as I recall the pain.
The unpleasant memories came back to my mind, prickling the invisible scars it left on my heart.
This leather whip in front of me is exactly the same leather whip; that was used to thrash my back. My insides swirled, feeling agitated.
Something inside me is fighting a battle. I felt disgusted at the sight of the leather whip, and at the same, I wanted to reach my hand to it and beat these two until they were crawling on the floor, pleading for their dear life.
Yet, feeling the cold lifeless body resting on my left arm; clarity won over as I remained seated on the couch in utter silence, pondering the options in my head. All the suffering I experienced came back to me one by one, making me feel exhausted and drained, but I still remain calm on the surface.
I held Pula's chilling body near me for some comfort, and yet, no matter how I hugged Pula again and again, she could no longer give me warmth.
Insanity took over me as I lick my lips again, feeling an intense hunger and thirst for violence and blood bath. I gently placed Pula on my lap, raising my left hand slowly to the leather whip.
"Lass?" The red haired woman called.
Alexandra's gentle voice woke my sanity back to life, regaining my clarity. I retracted my hand as I waited for the red haired woman to speak; still concentrating my eyes at the leather whip with longing.
Seeing that she got my attention, Alexandra then started explaining in a hurry. "My aunt didn't know that you're a noble, and she only thought that you stole—"
"Professor," I interrupted, glancing at Alexandra's concerned face, tilting my head to the side with raised lips of indifference. "What of it?"
Alexandra stared at me, taken aback as she opened her mouth, stuttering, "I…my aunt is…"
"Niece, it's fine," the gladiator woman said in a stern comforting tone, still hanging her head to her waist respectfully. "I need to take responsibility as a General and as a Knight of the Maple Kingdom."
Alexandra frowned, hearing what the gladiator woman said. "But…"
"Alexandra," Saint Agatha called with her expressionless face. "Is this how you treat your disciple?"
"Master, please don't misunderstand, the only one who should be punished is Jabez Iscariot," Alexandra said, pointing at the silver haired man.
The man glared at Alexandra, clicking his tongue. The gladiator woman grabs the man's head, forcing the man to bow even lower than he did earlier.
Alexandra ignored the man as her dark eyes turned to look at me. "And lass, my aunt is…" she trailed, looking at me.
My eyes squinted, waiting for her to continue.
"...innocent," Alexandra finished, barely audible to my ears.
"I see," I replied, nodding, then I looked at her with even more indifference and said, "So what? You want me to forgive and forget?"
"No, I…that's not what I meant, lass," Alexandra replied, rubbing her temples helplessly.
Hypocrite.
My lips raised to a smile, chuckling at Alexandra's face. The red haired woman frowned.
"So funny, you sounded just the same as your aunt, professor," I stated, looking at her with a smile. "Sometimes, blood is indeed thicker than water, right, professor?"
Alexandra smiled at what I said, then after a moment, she frowned again. "What do you mean?"
I didn't answer, remaining quiet with my mischievous smile. Long silence lingered between us, but Joan cleared her throat, standing in front of Alexandra.
"Alex, go wait outside," Joan said, dragging the red haired woman in her arms.
Alexandra frowned at Joan, looking back at me and at her aunt with sweats building up on her forehead. "But—"
"Just go," Joan muttered. Truman pushed the red haired woman out of the room, closing the door again with a faint slam, then Joan looked at me with the pipe in her mouth and said, "well, you continue with your business, don't mind Alex."
"Mm," I hummed, staring at Joan then glancing at Saint Agatha.
I actually don't know why they are doing this, and I still don't feel like I could trust them. Or maybe I just have trust issues, but whatever the case, the important matter right now is Pula and our compensation.
I looked at the whip with a playful smile, hugging Pula's cold lifeless body. 'What should I do, Pula? How do we get our satisfying revenge?'