It seemed like you two were a perfect match but sometimes there was something holding you both back.
"One small fight blew the whole relationship up within minutes and ended in a broken heart."
"What was it like to lose him? It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me- said all at once."
You were never mine to begin with...
In life, we are constantly losing people. One day somebody wakes up and they just don't feel the same way, or maybe it's you that feels you've grown apart from them. When we lose somebody, we tend to lose a piece of ourselves, but sometimes that piece is bigger than you expected it to be. Sometimes, someone you didn't even realize you loved gets away from you, and it's tragic and painful and that empty space they left never get completely filled. So, to the one who got away from me, this is for you.
When I first met you, I never expected to have you in my life the way I did. You had always been someone I saw as a far-off daydream than a piece of my reality. I never even realized I loved you until you were gone. But it's funny how things work out sometimes, and then again how they don't work out at all. And it hurts me every day that we weren't able to figure it out and continue to be as happy as we were. It especially hurts how nothing is the same, and it might never will be again.
Do you remember? We used to be ordinary friend stuff... well, honestly, now that I can freely admit that I am in love with you, it's very hard for me to remember a time when I weren't. It's not like I've always been, of course not, I do remember a time when I did think of you as a friend only, and I even thought you were a bit annoying. However, now it's just some kind of blurry memory, I feel like I've been in love with you for a long time but, let's be honest, it's not even been that long.
Listen,
I don't know, okay? You made me start thinking about cheesy stuff again. Once again, I had someone's arms to imagine myself into. Once again, I had someone's lips to mourn. Once again, I had somebody's voice to think of at night. Once again, I imagined myself walking alongside other person, hand by hand...
It felt nice, you know? The biggest difference between you and the others is that, before, I fell in love with the boys hoping they would love me too, hoping they would find me attractive too, hoping they would see me as I saw them. With you it wasn't like that, at least not at the beginning.
We were a damn good team. Our conversations lasted the whole day, and we never had any dull moments. Every single time spent with you was always awesome that I constantly dreaded every time you had to bring me home.
The thing is that with you I discovered a whole new feeling I hadn't felt just yet. I'm not really sure if I can call it "true love", to me, it was love, and it was true, so it might have been that who knows what true love is anyways? Has anybody got an exact definition? I don't think so. Let's say that if it wasn't true love at least it was some kind of overwhelming devotion that shoved me into thinking that you were all there is.
I was so sad and mad at myself for how weak I had been. I fell in love with you because you were super nice to me. "I'm ridiculous, I must look so desperate" I thought. But then I stupidly decided not to believe you, because, you know that saying "actions speak louder than words"? I decided to go by it, and not believe your words but what you did instead. And it made sense. In my mind everything would be okay, because you did things for me nobody else ever had done, because you spent so much time with me, because I felt inseparable to you. I got my hopes up.
To this day, one of the things that breaks my heart the most is something you said to me: "our thing would've been perfect if I felt for you what you feel for me". This shatters me because I can't do anything about it. I know well that you don't pick who you fall in love with, it just happens. I know you can't force yourself into feeling something for someone, that's just not healthy. I know that it hurts on the other side too, knowing you're hurting someone but also knowing you would hurt them even more if you started to live a lie with them. So don't worry, I understand. I never blamed you for anything. Not for one second.
You are the one who got away for so many reasons. I don't think I could've held on to you even I tried harder than I did, and I understand that you had your reasons and you needed to do what you needed to do. Some days the reasons are enough, and others, I am constantly overthinking about whether you meant it or whether there was more beneath the surface or whether I could've held on a little longer. But at the end of the day that isn't going to change anything for you and me; I know now it's too late. I'm doing my best every day to be OK with that.
It has been some time now, not a crazy number of years or even that many months, but it feels like forever to me somedays. And other days, it feels like I had you just yesterday. What I find the saddest about what happened between us is how nothing went wrong. We got along, made each other laugh, enjoyed the time we spent together, and had all the same interests. And when I decided to go for my dreams, it was hard for you to understand. I suppose our situation just finally got the best of us, something I never expected to happen so quickly.
You and I? We are "almost".
"Almost" is a really funny concept, isn't it? It has this peculiar stubbornness to it, kind of like that one unnerving competitor that always manages to stand in the way of "we tried our best" and "we actually won the race".
But "almost" is also the reason we hold onto things so tightly. It's the hopefulness that keeps us dreaming, the anticipation that makes us wish on shooting stars, and the driving force behind, "I'm just not quite willing to give up".
I like to think that words are usually a pretty close friend of mine. Yet somehow, as I sat down to put these words, I couldn't seem to find any combination of them that would accurately describe what exactly our "almost" means to me.
Thank you.
For the little things, the trivial things, the mundane things, and the big things (that you maybe didn't even realize were so big). Thanks for listening to my dumb stories, for giving me shit for being a year (and maybe some change) younger than you. Thank you for the after-work phone calls, for the nervous "I-can't-believe-I-just-ran-into-you-here" hugs, and always making sure I got home safe. Oh, and thank you for just being you. That's kind of my favorite part.
I still laugh about the first time we met (and how royally I screwed that up).
I guess they weren't kidding when they said hindsight is 20/20.
So, know that at least this is true: you're such an amazing and lovable human being that you've made this girl fall so blindly in love with you and adore you so much that she ends up writing and blatantly pouring her feelings not caring about what the final results will be. Think of this letter as an apology for that weekend – as the words I never got the chance to say the first time around.
But the truth is, time is never going to slow down for us. But it also isn't going to speed up just because we do. Time is going to be right here, stepping on the back of our shoes and tying our shoelaces together, just waiting for us to notice it – to take it, leave it, or waste it.
Some of the things I wrote in this letter may be irrelevant by the time you read it.
Heck, maybe the whole damn letter will be irrelevant.
Losing you was hard, it still is. I didn't just lose a piece of my happiness, but someone who was my best friend. I don't think there's ever going to come a time when I don't miss you and everything we had. You're probably long gone from those feelings, and maybe you will live the rest of your life without ever thinking of me again. For all I know you have someone else that you love more than you could have ever loved me. I like to think that one day we'll meet again and grab some coffee, frappe maybe XD. Know I miss you, know I loved you, know you have a piece of me no one will ever be able to replace.
You're the right person, but we met at the wrong time.
You're the man that I never had but you brought so many lessons to me...
So, Thank you and Goodbye.
Xoxo,
From the girl that was never yours either...