December 31. New Year's Eve.
I was sitting under the blankets of our kotatsu table at
home, eating satsuma oranges. My head was filled with all
the changes that took place this past year. For someone like
me, who lived alone in a colorless world for most of my life,
those changes have been almost too vivid. The dazzling
colors and heart-shaking emotions were enough to take this
shy girl's breath away, yet everyday life has become so much
more fun.
What makes me happier than anything is knowing that
it's not the world that's changed—but me.
So there I was, holding a piece of satsuma in one hand
and my cell phone in the other. When did I start eating while
I was on my phone? Isn't that bad manners? Well, I don't
think I'd have experienced the excitement of waiting for a
message notification unless I lived in this new world, and
that feels important to me.
I had fruit in one hand, and my other hand was waiting
for a sweet message.
This mix of happiness and anxiety feels unnatural, but I
think in truth it's completely natural.
My world really has changed since the days when my
inferiority complex and uncertainty piled up like snow,
darkening my view. These days everything is so full of light.
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And what caused this change? The person my left hand is
waiting so eagerly to hear from.
"Fuka, Mom says she's not putting mochi in the soba
noodles!"
My little brother Riku came running out of the kitchen
and sat down next to me. He's in his first year of junior high,
four years younger than me, but we're still as close as ever.
It's hard to believe, since at school he's so outgoing he's even
head of school spirit for Athletics Day. I think he shows a
slightly different side of himself at home and at school.
Everyone does that, even me—we have different selves for
different situations.
"Mochi doesn't go in New Year's Eve soba!" I told him.
"Really? It doesn't?"
"No. It goes in the soup on New Year's Day."
"Ohhh, you're right!"
It's cute how easy it is to convince him of things. I stroked
his hair affectionately. "Stop it!" he said, but he didn't try to
escape, which makes me think he didn't actually hate it all
that much.
"By the way, Mom just told me something!"
"What'd she tell you?"
"That you have a boyfriend! Gross!"
"What…?"
I can't believe he just said that. I knew he'd tease me
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about it, which is why I didn't tell him in the first place, but
now that he found out, he's accusing me of things I'd never
do!
"I am not gross!"
"But having a boyfriend means you do that stuff, right?"
"N-no…I haven't done anything yet…"
My face was getting unbelievably hot. Just imagining it
makes me dizzy, but—
"Oooh, you said 'yet'!"
"R-Riku!"
He was right. What I said made it sound as if I assumed
we'd do that stuff at some point. On the other hand, it's not
as if it will never happen. I'd just been avoiding thinking
about it.
"D-don't say that!" I scolded him.
"Eeew, you're so gross!"
"S-stop it!"
I don't have the chance to practice conversations like this
at school very often, so he runs circles around me. I'm not
sure what to do about it. I think this is something only boys
talk about, so it's inevitable that I've got a thin skin on the
subject. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that so I don't feel
bad.
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"Riku! Come in here!" our mom called from the kitchen,
having overheard our conversation.
"What?" he called back a little grumpily. He stood up
reluctantly but nevertheless did as he was told. That's what's
so cute about him.
"Oh, Fuka, are you having soba with us?" he asked as he
was about to disappear into the kitchen.
"Yes!"
"How hungry are you? Should I give you a lot?"
"A normal serving is fine."
"Okay!"
With that, my mischievous, nosy brother went in to help
our mom serve up the food. I started to tidy up the kotatsu
table. Dad was shut up in his office because he said he
needed to finish up some work, but he does that every year,
so I'm sure he'll pop out half an hour before midnight.
It was already eleven. The year really was nearly over, and
I could sense the new one approaching.
After checking the time, I set my phone facedown on the
table and reached for the copy of On the Wings of the
Unknown that was sitting next to it. As I flipped through it,
red marks leaped out at me from every page. I'd marked it
up with notes so that my directions during rehearsals would
be clearer. Thinking back on it, I realized that everyone had
been working hard to realize my own personal vision. That
really was a gift. The script was evidence of that period in my
life, and it was the most valuable treasure imaginable to me.
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"Ah…"
My eyes happened to fall on a scene featuring Alucia, one
of the heroines. The red notes mentioned Natsubayashisan's direct gaze and Hinami-san's bloodcurdling
performance. The story I'd created came together onstage in
an unbelievably ideal way, and I'm certain it contained more
than the characters themselves.
I'd been trying to convey something in that scene. I read
through it again slowly.
"I don't think I have a favorite thing."
Alucia smiles sadly while speaking. Kris is flustered.
"What? I—I mean, you know so much! You're so good at
making things, and you're even great at magic! I bet you
like lots of things!"
"Not really. I've got royal blood, and one day, I have to
be queen… That's the only reason I work so hard. It's not
because I enjoy it."
"You said it's the only reason, but it's an amazing one!
Compared with you, I don't have anything."
"That's not true."
"I want to be like you, Alucia."
Alucia frowns.
"—Like me?"
Alucia stares at Kris.
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"I think your view of me is mistaken, Kris."
"It is?"
"I'm not the wonderful kind of person you think I am."
"What do you mean?"
"I have everything. But—"
Alucia turns to the audience.
"—that's exactly why…I have nothing."
As I read it, the performance of the scene streamed
through my mind, like a scratch mark throbbing in my heart.
The last line was particularly resonant. The vacancy of those
words was like a knife, as if they contained the true Alucia—
and even more. I felt as if Hinami-san herself had said those
words.
Or maybe I'm not saying it accurately. After all, I included
those lines specifically because I knew Hinami-san would be
playing the role.
"I wonder if I got it right after all…," I mumbled, thinking
back to the previous week.
Had I gone in too deep? I still didn't know.
* * *
"Fuka-chan?"
Hinami-san had approached me at the end of the party to
celebrate the school festival, amid the happy chatter of our
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classmates and the savory smell of charred sauce at the
okonomiyaki restaurant.
"…Hinami-san?"
I was quite surprised. On that day, I'd spoken with more
people than usual, and I'd begun to feel I was learning to
open up a little, but something about Hinami-san felt off
when she came up to me.
"Great job today…and on the script."
"Um…same to you. Great job playing Alucia."
The two of us were standing apart from everyone else, in
the hallway by the bathroom. She could have talked to me
anytime during the party, but the fact that she started the
conversation there indicated she wanted to talk alone.
"Thanks. The script was so good," she said smoothly, as if
the thought had just occurred to her, but I suspected she'd
planned to bring up the script from the start. I'm not sure
why I thought that. Maybe it was an intuition, maybe an
assumption, or maybe my own image of Alucia. Maybe even
the things Hinami-san said when Tomozaki-kun and I
interviewed her led me to that conclusion. Whatever the
answer, I sensed something at that moment.
"Thank you so much. It was difficult to write…but I think
it came out well."
"Ah-ha-ha. I'm glad to hear that."
She grinned and met my eyes. I'm not sure why—there
was nothing whatsoever in her expression to suggest an
ulterior motive—but it frightened me.
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"I thought it was really interesting, too."
She hadn't said anything strange. But there was
something in her tone—like the echo of water dripping in a
dark cave. A loneliness, a feeling of isolation.
"Thank you…so much."
"I wanted to ask you about Alucia…," she continued,
hardly waiting for me to finish my thank-you. Her
expression was cheerful and happy and friendly, but at the
same time, I didn't feel free to move away from her.
"Alucia is an empty person, isn't she?"
"…Yes."
"Interesting." She glanced down, then looked me in the
eye again. "And she pours herself into various things
because she's trying to fill that emptiness?"
"Yes."
The unexpected direction of the conversation startled me,
and I tried to figure out her motivation for asking me these
questions.
"I believe she said…that she had everything, which was
exactly why she had nothing."
"…Yes, that's right."
She glanced down again and swiftly licked her lips.
"Well, I interpreted that line in my own way during the
performance, but I was wondering what you meant when
you wrote it."
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Why was she asking me this? Of course, it could have
been pure curiosity, but I sensed that wasn't the case. After
all, I modeled the character on Hinami-san herself. When I
created Alucia, I knew it might shake her…and perhaps a
part of me even hoped that it would. The truth is, I was
interested in the thoughts and emotions of this seeming
sorceress who brought color to Tomozaki-kun's world—and
in the face beneath her mask.
"Um…"
That's why I chose my words so carefully. For myself as
well as for her, I wanted to explain my image of Alucia as
accurately as possible.
"Alucia…has nothing that she truly likes, so she can't
validate herself internally," I said, using the mask of the
story's main character. "That's why she wants some kind of
proof that she's on the right path."
"Proof?"
I nodded. "For example, it would be easy to believe that
some made-up story proved her worth, but she's too strong
for that and too smart… She can't believe in flimsy fairy
tales."
"And that's why she strives to be the best in martial arts
and academics?"
I nodded again. "…Yes. She finds meaning in the things
that the world tells her are valuable."
"Interesting… I see."
She frowned, glancing away for a second. I can guess why,
but I don't know the real reason.
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"And…does Alucia realize that about herself?"
I hesitated for a moment, but I had an answer.
"I think…she does realize it. She knows she looks perfect
from the outside, but in reality, she has nothing. That's
exactly why she confesses the truth to Kris."
Hinami-san nodded, a satisfied look in her eye.
"So that's what those lines meant."
"…Yes," I said. "That's what it meant about Alucia."
She nodded silently several times before responding.
"Why did she become like that? Why did she end up so
empty, without anything she liked?"
Answering that question was slightly difficult. I didn't
know why she was asking, for one thing, but the reason was
only something I imagined for the story. Nevertheless, I
tried to explain it to her as accurately as I could.
"I think…it's because she was born into the royal family."
"The royal family, huh?"
This was all in the realm of imagination. "She was born to
be a queen, so everything she does is assigned an external
value of good or bad."
I asked myself, if there was a girl somewhere in the world
who was empty inside…
"She had to constantly ask herself, not 'what do I want to
do,' but 'what is the correct thing for a princess to do?' That
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way of thinking was firmly rooted in her."
…What sort of environment could have produced that
mental state and value system?
"I think the only goal she was able to find for herself was
submitting to the rules of that world."
I tried as hard as I could to imagine, and to get to the
deepest part of the character's heart.
"But when she stopped believing in that world, she was
left with…nothing."
I tied all the pieces together in my own world and wove
them into a story.
"So she ended up hollow inside…"
That was how I understood Alucia's motivation.
Hinami-san blinked in apparent surprise.
"…It's amazing that you thought so deeply about it." She
glanced down pensively, then redirected her powerful gaze
at me. "You said you did some interviews…didn't you?"
"Um…yes."
This was another unexpected turn in the conversation.
She was asking about the interviews Tomozaki-kun and I
conducted about her own past.
"Did you learn anything? About me…and my
circumstances?"
What came to mind first was her younger sister. But we
hadn't heard anything specific. Only that she'd had two
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younger sisters, who she was close with in elementary
school, but by middle school, one of them had disappeared. I
didn't know exactly what had happened, only that something
surely had. I didn't know how open I should be, but I
decided to tell her the truth.
"I heard that your younger sister—"
"You heard?"
Her voice ripped the air. I was truly shocked. The look on
her face at that moment was exactly the same as Alucia's the
first time she saw the dragon: sharp, unwavering, and strong
enough to strangle me. Those eyes, so black they took my
breath away, pierced my heart.
"N-no…only fragments and speculations…"
"What fragments?"
"Um…only that when we talked to your friends from
elementary school and from junior high, they talked about
different sisters…"
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"…I see."
"I—I…I'm sorry… It's none of my business."
She stared at me expressionlessly for a moment, and very
briefly, her black eyes wavered.
"Does Tomozaki-kun know?"
"…Yes."
"Really. I see."
That was all she said. After that, her usual expression
returned.
"Oh, I'm sorry to bring this up so suddenly. The play
really was wonderful! Excellent work, really!"
"Th-thank you."
"Well, I'll be off, then!"
She turned and walked away, leaving me feeling
incredibly uneasy.
* * *
I looked down, realizing I'd dropped the piece of satsuma
orange I'd been holding.
"Oops…"
Luckily, it fell onto the peel, so I picked it up, stared at it
for a moment, then popped it into my mouth.
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Thinking back on my conversation with Hinami-san had
brought up a mix of emotions. I'd fleshed out Alucia's
character with her in mind. Was it really the right decision
to talk about her inner story with Hinami-san? Should we
have conducted those interviews about Hinami-san's past,
delving into her personal history? Once something was
discovered, it couldn't be hidden again. What did she really
think? Only she knew the answer to that question. But if
you're going to poke around in someone's personal life, you
have to be ready for the consequences. Had I thought
enough about that beforehand?
"Fuka, the soba's ready!" Riku called from the kitchen,
breaking my reverie. Returning to reality, I called back.
"Great, thanks!"
I went into the kitchen, and we each picked up two bowls
of soba to bring back to the kotatsu. The fragrance of the
smoky broth, the pieces of duck perched atop the warm
noodles, and the wisps of steam rising from the bowls were
the perfect accompaniment to the end of the year. Dad
appeared from his room to join us, Mom came out from the
kitchen, and the whole family settled in around the kotatsu
table.
"What a year this was," Dad said.
"Yes, it certainly was a roller-coaster ride! To think that
Riku became head of the school spirit squad and Fuka wrote
a play for the school festival!" Mom added.
"I'm sorry I couldn't go to your play, Fuka. Was it a
success?"
"Yes, it was. I have the script if you'd like to read it."
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"I'd love to read it later. After work calms down a bit…
maybe at the end of January…"
"Tee-hee. You sure are busy, Dad."
Moments like this with my family mean more to me than
anything in the world.
After we ate our soba, we waited for the clock to strike
twelve.
"Fuka, it's almost midnight!"
"Oh, you're right…twenty more seconds!"
In a prayerful mood, I watched the numbers count down
on the TV screen. This really was a wonderful year—and
that's why I wanted the next one to be even better.
And I wasn't just wishing—I was determined to make it
that way.
With less than ten seconds left until midnight, Riku
started shouting out the numbers excitedly.
"Four, three, two, one!"
"Happy New Year!"
All four of us clapped our hands, welcoming the new year.
We do the same thing every year, but somehow, the scene
this time seemed to be splashed with more color than usual.
"…Oh!"
Just then, my phone buzzed. I looked down.
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[Happy New Year, Kikuchi-san.
I'm looking forward to visiting the shrine with you
tomorrow.]
It was the LINE message from Tomozaki-kun that I'd
been waiting for. I squeezed my phone.
"Ewww, you're acting so girly! Gross!"
"I t-told you…"
"Gross…?! Fuka, what is your brother talking about?" Dad
asked.
"Riku, I told you to keep it a secret from your father!"
"A s-secret?! F-Fuka, what is this s-s-secret?!"
"Um…it's not…"
"What's n-n-not?!"
"Darn it, Riku!"
And so my New Year began, a little more chaotically than
usual but full of exciting hopes.
I glanced out the window. In the light shining from inside,
I saw that the heavy snow piled thickly on the garden had
melted clear away.