Sometimes I look at myself from the outside and think,
Geez, I'm such a stereotypical teenager, worrying about
whether I'm doing the right thing or where the heck my life
is going. But then I go around making plan after plan after
plan because I am a teenager and there's no time like the
present. I, Minami Nanami, am a glorious high school girl
with herself wrapped around her own finger.
But right now, I don't know what to do. I tried to shake
off all those silly worries once and for all, but here they are
again, clinging to my track shirt from behind and dragging
me around. I want to cry foul, but instead I get swallowed up
whole. The only thing I can do is pull off my hairband and
shoot it at the monster. Last time this happened, Aoi and
Tomozaki and Tama and everyone else got really worried
about me, and I don't want to do that to them again.
I think I know why it's happening.
It was the thing between Tama and Erika.
I mean, that was amazing. I've always had a lot of respect
for Tama's strength, but I still can't believe she'd stand up to
Erika like that. What surprised me even more was the way
she changed at the very end.
Tama always used to act all sullen and wouldn't know
tact if it bit her on the nose, and all of a sudden, she learns
how to be playful. When I saw her win the whole class over
with that joke about her name, shocked doesn't even begin
to cover how I felt. It was like if a pitcher who only ever
threw fastballs suddenly threw the twistiest curveball you
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ever saw. Probably? I don't actually know anything about
baseball.
If someone asked me if I've grown at all, I'd probably
have to say I haven't. At least not compared to her. I'm still
throwing so-so fastballs and good-enough curveballs in my
games. People are supposed to never stop growing, but I feel
like they're leaving me behind. It's lonely back here.
Therefore, my emotions are all blargh. This has been a
deduction from the legendary detective Mimimi-chan.
I'm, like, the perfect representative of ordinary people
with just a smidge of talent. Even worrying about this stuff is
nothing special. But it's my life, so it's super important to
me.
I wish I could become strong enough to worry, but
instead, I keep on dragging myself to school day in and day
out. Nothing changes. And so the brave Mimimi-chan
soldiers on.
* * *
I was in the classroom after school. I'd quit track a little
while ago, so I was chatting with Tama and two other girls
from our class. My usual group—Tama, Sakura Kashiwazaki,
and Yuki Seno. Since Aoi got special permission to keep
running track, she went off to do that. She's really incredible.
I was listening to Tama talk to the other two.
"The classroom kinda feels bigger after school, doesn't
it?"
"That's because I'm so small!"
"Ah-ha-ha! True!"
The conversation was bouncing along, thanks to Tama's
new jokes.
"Yeah—although honestly, I'm getting a little tired of
that routine," Tama said.
"Aren't you the one doing it, though?"
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"Yeah, which means I hear it every single time. If
anyone's gonna get tired of it, it's me."
"Ah-ha-ha, good point."
Not long ago, I would never have imagined Tama having
a conversation like this.
Until the Konno incident, Tama didn't like joking
around, and she had a hard time fitting in without me giving
her a secret boost.
Now she doesn't need my help to have a cheerful and
happy conversation, and everyone is used to the new Tama.
But she doesn't just go with the flow, either. She still
makes blunt comments, like she did just now, and she stays
herself. People accept the whole Tama, including the fact
that she says everything she's thinking.
I honestly think she's incredible.
"What do you guys want to do after this? Karaoke?"
Sakura asked.
Tama instantly tilted her head and said, "Mm, that
doesn't sound fun."
"Ah-ha-ha! Tell us what you really think!"
Everyone thought her lightning-fast opinions were super
funny.
Until recently, I would have always jumped in at times
like this and turned whatever she said into a joke. But I
didn't need to do that anymore.
She's always been true to herself in a way that I'm not,
but I got along with everyone in a way she didn't used to be
able to. That's why I thought I had to help her out when we
were in groups. But now she's even mastered the skill of
getting along.
I have no idea how she did it so quickly. I know the usual
suspect had something to do with it, but it can't have been
easy. She must have really worked for it.
Tama made friends and found a place for herself, and
now everyone recognizes what's so great about her.
I'm super happy about that—I mean, she's one of my
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favorite people in the world, so it's great that everyone else
likes her now, too. Things don't often turn out so perfectly.
"How about bowling?"
"I don't know, the balls are so heavy… They're bigger
than Tama-chan!"
"You took my joke!"
The three of them laughed out loud. I joined in without
missing a beat.
"But yeah, I think bowling's a good idea!" Tama said, and
we all considered the idea.
Everyone was having a good time, and they didn't need
any help from me.
"There goes Tama-chan again."
For some reason, I felt a little left out.
When I see her laughing along with everyone, I feel like a
mom whose kid just flew from the nest or something. Oh,
she's so grown-up; she doesn't need my jokes anymore, I
think, as a lone tear slides down my face.
But what does that say about me? Nothing very good.
I've gone over that Q and A in my mind like six times
already. Oh, Mimimi, whatever will we do with you?
"Aren't you guys hungry?"
"Now that you mention it…yeah!"
Sakura and Yuki nodded at one another. I hadn't been
talking much this whole time, so I figured I better join in the
conversation.
"Wanna go get something to eat?"
"Good idea!"
"Okay!"
Sakura and Yuki both jumped right on my sudden
suggestion. Such talented ladies. I looked at Tama.
"What about you, Tama?"
"…Um…" She thought for a second, then grinned.
"I'll go!"
Her bright smile and honest reply were free of any
doubt. I couldn't help breaking into a grin, too. After all, this
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was my favorite part of all this. Tama didn't feel reluctant to
go out with us anymore.
"Awesome! Let's get going!"
"Yay!"
Yes, I do feel a little left behind now that Tama is so
independent.
But when I go out with friends, Tama is right there with
us.
And that makes me happier than just about anything
else in the world.
* * *
"Good afternoon. Table for four?"
"Yes please!"
We were at our usual diner on the way to the station,
following the waiter to a nonsmoking table.
Just then, someone called over to us.
"Hey, guys!"
When I turned around, I saw Takei. He was standing up
at his seat, waving enthusiastically at us. He's always so
loud. Well, his call couldn't go unanswered, and it was up to
Mimimi-chan to deliver!
"Oh, wow! Takei!"
I waved both my hands as I shouted just as loud as he
had. There with him at the table, smiling awkwardly, were
Nakamu, Takahiro…and Tomozaki.
Wow. Tomozaki sure was close with those guys lately. At
first, he seemed like he was forcing himself to fit in, kind of
like the new guy in town, but now he totally belonged there.
Or maybe I just thought so because I'd gone on that trip with
them. I wondered what Sakura and Yuki thought.
The three of them frowned at the racket Takei and I were
making and said hi to us. It annoyed me how normal they
were all acting. I wanted to tease the Brain for the way he
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said hi, but his hey was so natural, I thought I might actually
mess up if I tried to tease him about it. Did he just beat me
at something?
"Right this way."
All the seats near Takei's group were taken, so the waiter
led us to a table kind of far from theirs. Oh well.
The four of us sat down.
"I got us a menu!" said Yuki.
"Thanks."
Yuki started sharing her menu with Tama, who was
sitting next to her.
Wow. It hit me all over again as I watched them.
I took turns stealing glances at Tama sitting across from
me and Tomozaki sitting across the restaurant.
It wasn't just Tama who had grown. Tomozaki was
changing so much every day that I hardly recognized him.
I knew what that took. Neither of them showed it on the
surface, but they were working super hard for every little
change. And they were getting results.
The other me, Dark Mimimi, poked her face out from a
corner of my heart.
And what about you? What have you been doing?
I felt that little prick to my heart. I know everyone's
different; I know I'm my own person. But I can't help
comparing myself.
It was already the second half of second semester.
Compared to those two, I hadn't grown at all. Was it too late
to start now?
"Mimimi, did you decide yet?" Sakura's question pulled
me out of my pondering.
"Oh, uh-huh. I'll have this." I pointed to the Japanesestyle hamburger.
Sakura shuddered. "Ugh, that looks so heavy…"
"My mom's getting home late! Anyway, I'm a growing
girl!"
"Why don't you ever gain weight…?"
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Sakura glared at me. She looks so adorable when she's
annoyed, like a capybara. I'd like to eat her up along with my
hamburger. But if I said that, she'd tell me to shut up, so let's
keep that one to ourselves.
"Well, I used to run track, right? Although I did just
quit."
"Oh, that's true. I could never do track. I hate getting
that tired." Sakura sounded convinced and started studying
the menu again.
Everyone other than me seemed to be having trouble
deciding, which made me look like an idiot. Oh well, may as
well go to the bathroom or something.
"I'm gonna go to the girls' room! Once you've made up
your minds, can you order the drink bar and a Japanese
hamburger and rice set for me?"
"Sure," Sakura said, then sighed. "Isn't there some free
and easy way to lose weight?"
I walked off toward the bathroom, leaving Sakura and
her dreams behind.
* * *
I was washing my hands after using the bathroom. I tried
smiling at myself in the mirror, and my reflection looked the
same as usual. Not a shred of Dark Mimimi had managed to
sneak onto my face. Relieved, I left the bathroom.
…And then…
"Ah!"
"Ah!"
…I bumped into Tomozaki, who must have gone to the
bathroom at the same time as me. Boy, that was a surprise.
My heart skipped a beat.
"H-hey," Tomozaki stuttered. A second ago he was fitting
in so well with Nakamura and the other guys, but I must
have caught him off guard, because just for a second he
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seemed to panic, and I glimpsed the awkward Tomozaki of
the good old days. It relaxed me a little.
As I was trying to think of something to say, that
easygoing expression came back.
"Tama-chan sure is fitting in well, huh?"
Well, well. Look at him, saying stuff before I can even get
started. So saucy these days.
But he doesn't sound timid anymore. He's really
confident now.
What is it about him, exactly? He's gotten a little cooler
—his aura is changing.
Wait, focus!
"Yeah! My little chick has left the nest…"
"Ha-ha…definitely."
His smile wasn't hiding any sarcasm or meanness—it
was just pleasant. He's changed a lot in a lot of ways, but
from my perspective, this is the biggest change of all. He
never used to smile like this. I guess changes in your mind
and heart show up in your face.
"Tama-chan changed so much in such a short time," he
said, like it had nothing to do with him. I think she was able
to because you were working with her, I didn't say. I knew
Tomozaki really did work hard, but saying it so directly at
this point would put him in an awkward position.
So instead, I decided to "interview" him from another
angle. Take the bait!
"Come on, now, Brain! Stop acting like you had nothing
to do with it!"
"Huh?"
I lowered my voice. "…You were involved with the Tama
incident, now, weren't you?"
"Uh…" He floundered for a minute, his eyes darting
around, then gave in. "I guess."
"I knew it! I mean, you really took a lot from that video I
recommended!"
I was talking about the YouTube comedy video Tomozaki
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had asked me to recommend. The one where the guy says,
"That's 'cause my face is so huge!" Tama stole her short
jokes from his routine.
I'm sure the reason she gets so many laughs out of that is
because the original joke was so funny, even if she was
getting tired of it now.
"Yeah. We took all of it, actually," Tomozaki joked.
"I could totally tell."
"Ha-ha, I know, that's why I confessed," he said casually.
He looked relieved. Refreshed, almost, and satisfied with
how things had turned out.
I wasn't surprised. I mean, he'd figured out a strategy to
solve a really hopeless problem, and he'd flipped the whole
situation on its head.
I'd be genuinely relieved, too.
I think this is where Tomozaki really shines. Come up
with a plan, put it into action, create the outcome he wants,
and then bask in the knowledge of a job well done.
"…It's really amazing," I said, and he nodded happily.
"Yeah, I never imagined she'd take it this far."
"No, not that… I mean, she's amazing, too, but I was
talking about you."
"…Me?"
"Yeah."
"But I just gave her some suggestions…"
Humility was another one of the Brain's sly tricks.
"I still think you were amazing," I said, looking away
from him. He seemed embarrassed, too. Cue awkward
pause.
"Y-you do…? Thanks."
"Yup."
What was going on? Wait, why was everything suddenly
weird? Did I mess up? We stared at each other, neither of us
sure what to do, and there was another weird silence.
"…What?" I said.
"No, you're the one…"
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After that mystifying exchange, we looked at each other
again and giggled. The awkward silence was gone, but this
was embarrassing, too!
Um, now what do I do? I needed to come up with some
distraction, so I figured I'd ask him about something I'd
been wondering about.
"So how'd you learn to do it?"
"Do what?"
"Um, like, come up with solutions to problems?"
"…Oh, that." He nodded.
"Is that something else you've been working on lately?"
Like I said, Tomozaki has changed a lot. I assumed he
was doing some kind of program to improve his problemsolving skills or something.
"No…I think I knew how to do that from the start."
"Really?"
That was a surprising answer.
Tomozaki sensed I was confused and explained what he
meant. "Like, I've told you I'm really into Atafami and other
video games, right?"
"Yeah…"
"When I get really into one of those games, it's the same
feeling…"
"Huh?"
I didn't really understand what he was saying. Helping
Tama solve her problems was like an intense session of
Atafami? "What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, I'm not sure how to explain it. There's a goal, and
you have to think about the different ways you can reach it…
The structure is the same…or something…"
"Oh…"
I understood a little better anyway. Just a little. But it
also reminded me of something he'd told me before.
"You were the top player…right?"
"Yeah…"
He was acting embarrassed, even though that was really
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an amazing accomplishment. If you asked me, he ought to
take more pride in that.
But at the same time, that embarrassment reminded me
of how he acted when we first bumped into each other. Not
cool at all, which somehow put me at ease.
"I mean…I still am the top player."
"You are? Really?"
I hadn't intentionally assumed that was all in the past,
but it sure was something to know I was standing in front of
the best player in the country. Number one in all of Japan.
Nope, Tomozaki wasn't exactly your ordinary guy.
Dark Mimimi poked her head out again to laugh at me.
You're not number one in academics or sports or
anything. You'll never be special.
This time, sparkly Light Mimimi came out to protect me.
That's okay. Remember what Tama said? You're the
biggest idiot in the world!
Those words had saved me—but she was right about me
being an idiot. Had a few little jokes here and there really
helped anyone?
The biggest idiot to Tama? I told you so! That doesn't
make you special!
That depends on how you think about it. If you think
you're special, you can be special anytime.
Dark Mimimi and Light Mimimi were in a dead heat.
The biggest idiot in the world to Tama, huh?
I looked over at our table, where she was talking to
everyone and smiling.
She was so good at fitting into the group now that even
when I went to the bathroom, she was over there smiling
and having fun.
Dark Mimimi, Light Mimimi, and I watched her.
Then plain old me had a thought.
I wonder if I'm still the biggest idiot to Tama.
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"Mimimi?"
"Oh!!"
Snapping out of my daze, I saw that Tomozaki was
getting concerned.
"Oh, Brain. We aren't doing anything!"
"Uh, who's 'we'?"
I brought my hands to my chest like I was praying.
"There are many 'mes' inside of Mimimi…"
"Huh?"
Tomozaki looked at me like he had no idea what I was
talking about, which I completely understood, because I had
no idea what I was talking about myself.
"Hey, you better wash your hands and get back to your
seat!"
"Uh, I already washed them?"
"Oh, details, details!"
"Er, what…?"
I forced the conversation along like that to cover up my
negative side, and we both headed back to our seats.
I've definitely been acting weird lately.
* * *
Back at the table, I chatted with everyone for a while.
Tomozaki and the other guys were playing games and
watching videos and stuff the whole time, but we girls
chatted away without help from any outside sources. Watch
and learn, guys, and see how the pros talk through a whole
entire meal. Before I knew it, it was seven.
Suddenly, someone tapped on the outside of the window
next to our table.
"Hey, it's Aoi!" Sakura called. I looked over and saw Aoi
walking to the station after practice with a bunch of younger
kids from the team.
Her hair looked a little messier than the last time I saw
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her, but I knew that probably reflected only a tiny fraction of
how hard she'd practiced.
I started to feel uneasy again.
While I wasted the whole afternoon talking, Aoi was
busy improving herself.
That's probably one reason she's so genuinely amazing.
Even if I wanted to copy her, I'm sure I'd never do as well as
her. Which is why I'll never be special. Uh-oh, now I'm
starting to sound like Dark Mimimi.
"Should we get going?" Sakura asked cheerfully.
"Yeah, let's walk to the station with them," said Yuki.
"Good idea!" Tama chirped in agreement. Since Aoi
couldn't hear them through the glass, they started miming
out their plan to her.
Meanwhile, Takei led the four guys over and waved
energetically at her.
"Aoi!!" he yelled so loudly his voice actually made it
through the glass. She doubled over laughing, but the
innocence in that gesture was part of what made her so
lovable. She waved back at him playfully. So cute.
Everyone paid and then joined up with Aoi's group. This
restaurant really is a student's best friend, letting us all pay
separately when they're not busy.
* * *
The four guys, plus us four girls, plus Aoi's group of five
made a pack of fourteen kids walking to the station.
The newest additions to the track team were talking
happily to Takahiro and Shuji. They were adorable; it was
funny how their eyes were sparkling more than usual. They
must idolize the older guys. Heads-up, girls, they're not
really that cool!
While Sakura, Yuki, and I teased Takei for being so
obviously jealous of Takahiro and Shuji, Aoi seemed to be
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having a fun conversation with Tomozaki.
"Shut up! That's none of your business, Hinami!"
"You're so mean, Tomozaki-kun!"
Tomozaki seemed a little overwhelmed by Aoi, but the
jabs they made at each other made me think they were
actually pretty close. Tomozaki did freeze up a little now and
then—he was talking to Aoi, after all—but he also sounded
more informal with her than he was with other people.
Sometimes, they acted like they'd been friends for years.
I guess since Aoi is so good at getting close to people,
Tomozaki felt comfortable with her. As I was watching them
pensively, my eyes accidentally met Hinami's. Oops!
"…You must be tired from practice!" I said energetically,
hoping to hide what I was thinking, as I ran over and gave
her a hug.
Tomozaki gave me a confused look as I interrupted his
one-on-one time with Hinami, but that was when Takahiro
finished talking with the younger girls and called Tomozaki
over, leaving me and Aoi alone. Heh-heh, time for some fun,
Aoi!
"Hey, stop it! You're getting my sweat on you!" Aoi put
both her hands on my shoulders and pried me off.
"Whew, tough defense… That's kinda hot, actually!"
I'd jumped on her to cover up my own spaciness, but I
was genuinely disappointed she wouldn't let me hug her. Aoi
smells good even after practice.
"Ah-ha-ha. Too bad. Better luck next time!"
She probably worked out harder than anyone else on the
team, but she still managed to be the most playful of any of
them; she was going along with my joking and not letting me
know she was tired at all. Adorably hardworking, adorably
kind… What is she, a reincarnated goddess or something?
That "Better luck next time!" just made me want to mess
around with her more.
"Seriously, though, you deserve some rest. It's amazing
that you're still running after the rest of us quit to study for
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high school exams."
"Ah-ha-ha, thanks." She laughed innocently, not at all
like she was bragging about her own hard work. "I really
want nationals. It's my goal."
"…Huh."
Did she mean she wanted to go to nationals or take top
place in them? Either interpretation was valid, but I'm
almost certain she meant the latter.
"…That sounds like you."
"Aww…," she said modestly.
"Goals, huh… Wonder what mine is."
"Your goal?"
"Yeah. Thinking about it now, I don't really have one."
I was bringing up one of my problems in a casual way,
but Aoi was giving it serious thought now. It just made me
feel really guilty. She's such a good person.
"I think…you can make a goal out of anything."
"Anything?" I was curious what she meant.
"Yeah. It doesn't matter what you're aiming for. What
matters is that you run toward it. Then when you get there,
you have that feeling of, like, 'Yes!'"
"A sense of accomplishment, you mean?"
"Yeah, exactly." She nodded. "So, like, my goal is
nationals, but it's not like I've loved running since I was a
little kid. I mean, I used to be on the basketball team."
"That is true!"
"But once I started track, I wanted to do the best I could,
so I aimed for the top. And I turned out to have a lot of fun
doing it. That's why I think the goal itself doesn't matter."
What she said made a deep impression on me, especially
because I knew her so well.
"…Thank you, Aoi-sensei, for your excellent
explanation."
"Ah-ha-ha, I'm glad you liked it!"
In fact, what she said made so much sense that it erased
some of the inferiority complex and vague sense of jealousy I
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felt toward her. Yup, she's genuinely amazing. I love her, and
I'll never beat her.
"Teacher, can I ask you another question?"
"Yes, dear, go right ahead."
She looked so pretty with her arms crossed and her nose
in the air that I wanted to stick my fingers right up her
nostrils. Whoops, my hand slipped!
"Now, now, dear, stop that right now."
She caught my hand just in the nick of time to avoid my
attack. Nice reflexes, Aoi. You're way beyond my level.
She smiled, looking exasperated.
"And what was your question?"
"Oh, right! What should I do when I try really hard, but
things don't go as well as I hoped?"
"Ah…good question."
"I know it might never happen to you, but…" I chuckled.
"Oh, it definitely does. Things going wrong, I mean," she
replied matter-of-factly. Didn't see that one coming,
actually.
"Wait, really?!"
I was super caught off guard. I mean, she's first place in
everything, and I, for one, have never seen her fail at
anything.
"Oh, yes. All the time. Just in secret."
"I'm surprised to hear you say that."
But when I thought about it, it made sense. No one could
get away without failing occasionally. Not even the famous
Aoi.
"Ah-ha-ha. But I know things never go how I want them
to. I take that as a given and make sure to account for it
ahead of time."
"Take it as a given, huh…?"
That was a really thought-provoking idea. Very practical
—I guess that must be why on the surface everything seems
to go perfectly for her.
"Yeah. So for example…if I figure out ways to release the
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stress from failing ahead of time, I'm more willing to give
things a try."
"Stress release… Hmm. That could be what I'm missing!"
I was getting one new idea after the next. Aoi, life coach!
"But how do you do it?" I asked her.
She giggled. "One way is running, without wondering
about times or anything. Also video games…and cheese!"
"Ah-ha-ha, cheese!" I laughed, but actually I
remembered something similar. "…Now that you mention it,
running helped me blow off steam sometimes, too."
"Right? It really works!" She nodded energetically. Then
suddenly, she peered into my face. "That reminds me, the
Chase-Off is coming up soon."
"Oh yeah!"
I remembered that event. It was a traditional track team
ceremony where the younger students chased after the
second-years, most of whom quit after the summer newbie
meet, to see them off.
"Are you still in shape? Don't let those first-years beat
you!" Aoi joked.
"Yeah, that would be bad…"
I hadn't quit that long ago, but if I had to run it right
now, I could see myself losing. Of course, I had no doubt
whatsoever I could beat them if I got myself back in shape.
The whole point of the ceremony was to prove that the
team would be just fine without us, so it was okay if a
second-year lost to a first-year, but I'm the type who likes to
win if I'm going to play.
Aoi grinned.
"I'll probably be on the chasing side. May the best
woman win!"
"Then we'll all lose!"
You're kidding me. Aoi's going to be on their team? I
smiled cynically. Talking to Aoi is always so thoughtprovoking.
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* * *
Back at home, I sent Tama a LINE message telling her to
check out a picture of her doggy doppelgänger I found
online, only to have her write back, [That looks nothing like
me.] I was still reeling from the shock as I started thinking
over other things.
Things like my goals and the stress-release methods Aoi
had mentioned.
Something occurred to me.
Why not go for a run?
I pulled out my windbreaker and nylon pants, which I'd
stuffed away in a drawer, and put them on for the first time
in ages. Ah, I'd missed that squeaky sound and texture! I
couldn't wait to start running.
My running shoes were still in the shoe cabinet. I liked
the way they fit more snugly than my regular shoes, like they
were becoming an extension of my feet. Once they were on, I
left our apartment, took the elevator downstairs, and walked
through the automatic doors. The dark streets of Kitayono
were spread out before me.
I stretched a lot since I hadn't run recently, and then,
with a weirdly restless feeling, retied my shoes more tightly.
Leaping theatrically down the little staircase leading to
the road, I looked way down the long, straight road and took
my first step.
Little by little, I sped up, overtaking the people walking
on the street.
My heart sped up little by little, too, although I'm pretty
sure it wasn't just the exercise.
I ran down the cold streets in my windbreaker.
The lights rushed past at even intervals, while the wind
passed through my collar, cooling my sweat. I felt my heart
pounding and my body growing warmer from the inside out.
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My breath hung white in the air, but I left it behind, running
forward, forward, forward. My thoughts and my sight grew
clearer, and the sound of my pounding feet grew louder. My
feet were so light I felt like I was flying, like gravity itself had
disappeared.
I sprang off my toes, dancing over the pavement. I liked
the way the warm light spilled from the windows of the rows
of houses, and I imagined the lives going on inside. I liked
that the holiday lights had been hung up a little too early,
and I knew whoever put them up was excited for Christmas.
For a second, a fan or something carried the scent of fish
being grilled to me, replaced the next second by the smell of
the cold winter air cooling the tip of my nose. Each one of
my senses was picking up little bits and pieces from all these
lives in my neighborhood.
Yeah, I hadn't been running lately.
Ever since I quit the track team, I hadn't had a reason to.
I'd bid farewell to my spikes, my faithful partners over those
past two years, and gone back to ordinary life. Now I had no
need for water bottles and wristbands and energy gel shots.
I'd switched my deodorant spray from extra-strength to
something more girly, and now that I didn't have to worry
about sweating off my foundation, I'd stopped wearing the
cheap stuff and started using a nicer kind that isn't
moisture-friendly. I used to save it for going out on the
weekends, but now I wear it every day.
And running became a thing of the past.
Apparently, people adapt pretty easily when they stop
doing something they've done for a long time. It only took a
week for me to feel like not going to track practice was
normal.
But now that I was doing it again, I realized something.
I'd joined track because Aoi did—but I actually liked it a
lot.
I ran all through my neighborhood, and now I was back
in front of my apartment building. I felt fearless. The
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streetlights, the cool, dry air, the way I was almost being
pulled forward—all of it felt amazing. I couldn't stop now.
Okay, just one more loop.
I kicked off the pavement in front of the apartment
building and decided that if I was going to do this, I might as
well take a totally different route from before. It was so fun, I
felt like I could run all the way to Korea if I wanted to. I
mean, Korea is the closest country to Japan, so I should be
able to make it there and collapse across the finish line,
right?
* * *
I got lost.
It's totally idiotic, but I got a little carried away.
Honestly, I should have known that someone with my
abysmal sense of direction would get lost running around
randomly. Whoops.
Still, it wasn't that late, and I knew I was somewhere
near the station, so if I wandered around for a while, I
should come to a road I recognized. Or I could go into a
convenience store and ask directions. I looked around for a
familiar building.
Wandering around cooled me down, and before long, I
did see a place I recognized.
Uh, is that what I think it is?
It sure was.
Tomozaki's house.
Now that I thought about it, I remembered it being
somewhere like this. I'd been here once in a group, and plus,
Tomozaki and I both got off at Kitayono Station and walked
partway home together. I knew he lived nearby, but like I
said, I have a lousy sense of direction. I didn't really know
where he lived.
I stared at his house for a while, not thinking about
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much of anything…until I caught myself. What am I doing?
Let's step back and actually look at what we're doing here.
You're a girl standing outside the house of a boy in her
class, staring at it. Pretty sketchy.
I remembered we'd stopped at a convenience store
nearby when we came as a group, so I turned around and
started wandering around the neighborhood looking for it.
After all, I couldn't just stand there and stare at his house
like a pervert. The convenience store was like one minute
away, so I should be able to find it by using Tomozaki's
house as the center of my search.
I walked around looking for the colors of a typical
convenience store and pulled the zipper on my windbreaker
halfway down to let off some of the heat. If I opened it all the
way, it would be too cold, but this was just right for my
flushed body.
After walking for a few minutes, I stumbled on a
FamilyMart on the far side of a big parking lot. Yes! Now I
could make it home in one piece!
I walked over to the nearest crosswalk and stared
absently across it while waiting for the light to turn green.
That's when I saw a face I recognized.
Um…that's…
There was no mistaking Tomozaki the Brain.
It was a bit of a coincidence, but he probably passed by
here a lot because he lived nearby. He still had his bag, so I
guessed he was just getting back from the diner. He wasn't
crossing toward me, apparently; he was going in the other
direction. I was planning to call out Brain! and wave at him
—when I noticed something odd.
Huh? Was someone next to him?
My heart skipped a beat. My arm had only reached
shoulder height, and it quietly lowered back down. For
reasons I can't explain, I hid behind the traffic signal pole.
Uh, um, what? Wasn't it around nine by now? This
obviously wasn't coming-home-from-school time. So why
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was Tomozaki walking with a girl?
Wh-what was going on? Sure, he'd gotten cooler lately—
and more cheerful and made some friends—but what the
heck? Did he have a girlfriend or something, too? What a
surprise that would be! He could have at least mentioned it!
Or maybe it's not really any of my business…
Still, she looked familiar. For a second, I thought it must
be Aoi or Kikuchi-san, but it wasn't either of them. I did
vaguely recognize her, though, and I thought she was from
our school. An image of her wearing the uniform popped
into my mind. She was petite and pretty cute, too.
But, but, but… Maybe it's just my horrible sense of
direction, but it looked like they were heading toward
Tomozaki's house. Which meant the two of them were going
there alone. No way, seriously? She was carrying two big
plastic bags that looked like they were filled with two-liter
bottles. What was that for? Was she staying over? I've never
heard of anyone doing that!
My stomach sank, and without really thinking about it, I
opened my phone and pulled up a chat window on LINE
with Tomozaki. We usually only chatted a little bit when we
were hanging out, but I was so shocked by this I wanted to
ask him what was going on.
I typed in a few different things and erased them all. [did
you just go to the convenience store by your house lmao]
Ugh, no. [Brain! i saw you!!] Nope. [you cad… did we mean
nothing to you?] No, not that, either. Why was I so upset?
Honestly, though, what was going on? If she was coming
home with him this late, did he plan on introducing her to
his family? That would really surprise me, but…huh? Wait a
second—family? Family…
"…Oh."
Then I remembered.
Urgh, I got all upset over nothing. Yeah, this makes
sense now.
The girl was his sister.
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So that's what was going on. Obviously. No way
Tomozaki would be walking around at this time of night with
a girl who wasn't related to him. Yeah, that was impossible.
…Wasn't it?
Yes, it was, I decided. Wow, that was a shock. But yeah. I
just had a weird little revelation. Tomozaki was changing so
fast these days, it wouldn't be weird if he was hanging
around with someone new.
I let out a sigh of relief that it was only his sister, erased
the chat message reading [star player tomozaki! got time
for an interview?] and waited for the light. Again, since it
had turned red during all that overthinking.
But what was I so relieved about? If Tomozaki did have
someone like that, it would be a good thing. It wasn't my
place to say otherwise. I think it's just I haven't changed at
all, while gloomy Tomozaki was changing right in front of
my eyes. It was making me uneasy…or lonely…or something.
Yeah, that's probably what was going on.
Dammit! I'd just cleared my mind with a nice night run,
and here I was all muddled again.
* * *
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After all that, I made it to the convenience store, asked for
directions, and safely got back home. As I walked along
fiddling with my phone, I realized I could have just used the
map app, but I do have a tendency to look at the map and
walk in the opposite direction. I'll just say I wanted the
warmth of real human contact and leave it at that.
Now! Time for a nice bath to rinse off all that sweat.
Since I'm such a capable young woman, I preset the bath
before I left so it would be nice and warm when I got back.
I stopped by my room to grab my white loungewear,
then headed straight for the bathroom. As I passed by the
living room, my mom called out to me.
"Mi-chan, you taking a bath?"
I turned around. She was sprawled on the sofa looking
tired from her day at work. Her grown-up perfume wafted
toward me. She sells makeup at a department store, so her
makeup and hair are very mature and stylish. Her suit
always looks perfect, too.
She's never been able to come to many parent
observation days at school because she's so busy, but I'm so
proud of my mom. I wish I could show her off to my friends.
"Yeah, do you want to take yours first?"
She waved her hand without turning around, and the big
black stone in the ring on her pointer finger glittered
elegantly.
"No, you go ahead. I want to rest a little first."
"Okay. Don't fall asleep on the sofa again."
She turned her head toward me and smiled sleepily. "…
I'll try."
"Ah-ha-ha. I've gotta keep a close eye on you."
"Ha-ha."
When my mom smiles, she looks a little like a handsome,
stylish man. She works so hard every day. Feeling all warm
and fuzzy, I headed for the bathroom.
Dropping my sweaty shirt and underwear in the laundry
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basket, I walked over to the bath and noticed that the mat
was a little dirty. I tossed it in the laundry, too, and put
down a fresh one. The fluffy new mat felt so good under my
feet. I pulled off my hairband and slipped it onto my wrist
before stepping into the shower.
I'd turned on the water before undressing, and I tested
the temperature with my fingertips. Perfect. I let out a happy
sigh as it poured over my head. The heavy fatigue clinging to
my body flowed away, and I was all clean and fresh again. I
love showers after a good run.
I tossed some bathwater onto the clouded-over mirror,
and it suddenly cleared enough to see myself.
"…Hmm."
I turned to the side and gave myself a hard look up and
down, then turned around and looked over my shoulder.
The tan I'd had until recently was gone now, and the
curves of my pale, slightly muscular body were clearer. I
rubbed my left arm with my right hand, scattering water
droplets onto the bathroom floor.
"Not too bad if you ask me…," I mumbled.
But…what is it, exactly?
When I take away all the "natural" makeup, the bras that
shape my figure, and the secret weapon of a school uniform
—when I'm completely naked, when all I'm facing is just me
—sometimes the thought strikes.
I don't think I like myself very much.
It's not an illness or masochism or something. Just a
hazy feeling I have sometimes.
I try hard at sports and do well on tests, and in front of
everyone else, I act like I'm always having fun. Everyone
says it's great. I get more praise than most people, I think.
But there's always this underlying sense that I'm
nothing. It never goes away, so I've kinda stopped fighting.
I'm like a hollow wire figure covered with decorations to
get approval. And people are praising the decorations, not
the real me. But the compliments still make me happy, so I
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just ignorantly go along adding more. And now I'm suddenly
feeling shallow for putting so much effort into my veneer.
Ten years ago, liking myself came so naturally to me. It's
weird; it's like I used up all my stores of self-love, and now in
my second year of high school, I've got nothing left. I just go
on decorating out of habit.
I looked at my naked body in the mirror. My breasts
were pretty big for my age. I grabbed them from underneath,
but so what? I put my hands down again. It's not that I lack
confidence about my appearance. I'm probably more
confident than most girls, actually. But if all that makes me
worth anything are nice skin and firm muscles, then that
worth will just go down, down, down over the next ten or
twenty years. I felt like I was suffocating. How could I fill up
the hollow frame? I didn't know. But I could easily imagine
spending the rest of my life using meaningless decorations
to paper over that fear of rotting away.
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The strong people didn't need any of that to be
confident. How could I become like that?
Tama's and Tomozaki's faces appeared in my mind's eye.
My chest grew tight, and a chill passed through me.
Er, wait a second.
"Eee!"
That wasn't a metaphor. Something literally cold was
falling on my head. The hot water in the shower had
suddenly run out and shocked me out of my daze.
This had been happening a lot lately. That's why I'd
made sure to check the temperature at the start.
It was like the cold water was scolding me to snap out of
the negative spiral. Rude. I wasn't sure if I should be angry
or grateful.
Despite the complex feelings toward my shower, I was
still in a simpler state of mind as I washed my face and hair
and body. Still grumbling a little, I climbed into the tub and
had a good soak like a normal person.
* * *
As I predicted, when I got out of the bath, my mom was
passed out on the sofa.
Oh geez. Was she cool or not cool? Ergh.
"Hey, wake up!"
"…Mmm."
My mom rubbed her eyes sleepily. Uh-oh, she was
smearing her mascara all over. When my mom switched off,
she really let it all hang loose. It was cool—but also not a
good habit to have.
"Hey, you can take your bath now!"
"Mmm…okay." She stared at me solemnly with her
panda face, then tilted her head to the side. "Mi-chan, did
something happen?"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
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"Am I imagining it, or do you look a little sad?"
I jumped a little. My mom doesn't usually say stuff like
that. But her timing was perfect, since I'd just been thinking
about everything. My mom is amazing.
"Um…kind of."
"Hmm, hmm."
She stared at me. She didn't interrogate me, just waited
patiently. I thought about whining to her, then decided I'd
stick it out a little longer on my own.
"But, um, I'm going to give it another try."
"…Oh, okay."
She stood up and took her nightgown out of the dresser.
Then she tottered over toward the bathroom. Partway there,
she stopped, scratched her head, and turned back toward
me.
"Mi-chan, I want you to remember something."
"Huh?"
"Being strong and just dealing with stuff is really hard at
times." She looked a little embarrassed, but she kept her
eyes on me. "…But sometimes, putting up with things you
don't like helps everything go more smoothly, right?"
"Um…I think so."
Like when the mood is about to get awkward, so you
compromise a little and play the part of entertainer. When
you're tired, but you sacrifice yourself to keep something bad
from happening.
I think I do that more than most people.
"What I mean is…" She paused, like she was struggling
to find the right words for it. "You do it because things aren't
going well."
That fit in with my own experience, so it made sense.
"That's my advice as a sales manager." She winked at me
playfully, just like I would do. I'm glad I take after her.
"You're so amazing, Mom," I said candidly.
She smiled proudly. "You bet your boots!"
"So much for modesty!" I smirked at her, but I couldn't
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help feeling happy. "All you had to do was look at my face
and you knew everything."
For the first time, she looked away. "Oh, th-that?"
Huh? Why's she acting weird?
"…Are you hiding something?" I asked.
Her expression changed, like she'd been caught redhanded. For a grown-up, she sure is easy to read.
"…What?"
"Um, well…"
"Yes?"
"Well, I knew something was up because you were
talking to yourself in the bathtub."
"Oh, you could hear me?"
"That's why I thought something happened. But, you
know, I get more Cool Mom Points if I guess from your
face."
How could I dislike her when she said things like that? "I
take it back…"
"What are you talking about? Bluffing is crucial in sales,
too!"
"Now I can't tell if you're being serious or not…"
Still, I couldn't complain, since she'd made me feel
better.
She giggled like a little girl. "Anyway, if you're worrying
about something, take your mind off it and do something
you love for a little while! I'm taking my bath, okay? Man,
I'm about ready to pass out."
She slipped into the bathroom. A few minutes later, I
heard her humming really loudly. These walls are like paper.
Do something I love…
I think it must be—
* * *
After that, I went running every day when I got home from
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school. That's what I love, at least right now.
I found a goal, like Hinami suggested.
I wanted to break my own record in the Chase-Off.
Since my event was high jump, I didn't care about speed,
and I never ran more than I needed to. If I focused on shortdistance runs now, I should be able to beat my previous
record. After all, even though I was more field than track, I
was one of the faster girls on the team. Not as fast as Aoi, of
course.
Plus, I'd discovered something.
When I went out running by myself the other day, it felt
like I was being pulled forward. It was wonderful. When I
thought back on it, I realized I was keeping a good pace. My
brain was focused on running, all my senses were
sharpened, and my form was probably close to perfect and
carrying me forward faster than usual. It was kind of like a
trance. The improvement might have been tiny, but if I
could do that every time, I figured I'd be able to beat my
record in the Chase-Off.
"…Here we go!"
I ran hard today, too.
I used to be jealous of Aoi, and I even thought of quitting
the team.
But I still liked track—I still liked running.
I'd run and run until I outran my muddled thoughts. I'd
leave 'em in the dust.
And then I'd run off into the sunset.
* * *
A few days passed, and the day of the Chase-Off arrived.
"Go, go, go!"
"Nishimura sure got fast!"
Groups of two second-years and two first-years were
running the hundred meter. A bunch of groups had already
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gone, with some wins and some losses for us second-years.
"Nice job!"
"Ah-ha-ha, that was close."
"I knew you'd win…"
The races finished one after the next in groups of four.
When the second-years made it to the end of the track, they
left their title of "team member" there and returned as high
schoolers focused on university entrance exams. Once you
ran down there, you couldn't come back as a track team
member.
"Okay, last group!"
I realized something. There were twenty-six girls on the
team.
If we ran in groups of four, that would leave two people
at the end.
What pair would the coach and younger students
choose?
Our coach, Ms. Yasuoka, called the name of the last two
racers.
"Hinami and Nanami!"
"Coming!"
"Oh, this is gonna be close!" I joked, but inside my
nervousness was welling up.
I was being pitted directly against Aoi.
Our records have been compared in the past, and we've
had different results at meets. In that sense, we've competed
indirectly lots of times. But now that we'd started doing
different events, it had been ages since we actually competed
one-on-one on the same track.
This would be our very last race against each other.
"No way I'm losing this!" I joked to psyche myself up.
Aoi pumped her fist. "Make my day!"
She grinned competitively and bumped fists with me.
Normally, Aoi is nice, but when it comes to competitions, I
know she's not the type to let the other person win.
I felt more nervous than excited—but this was a chance.
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The rest of the team was bubbling with excitement. The
indisputable ace of the track team was about to face off
against me, who probably had the best record aside from
her. Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I couldn't imagine a
better opportunity to finish off my track career with a bang.
"Mimimi! Get her back for the election!" someone called
good-naturedly.
Those words gripped my heart. I'd lost to Aoi at so many
things. Academics, sports, even relationships with certain
people—I felt a little inferior in so many ways.
And that's exactly why I was on fire.
Aoi and I walked to the start line.
"On your marks!"
After all…
"Set!"
…I hate to lose.
"Go!"
We burst forward, neither of us holding anything back.
We were about even at the start, or maybe I was a tiny
bit faster. I'm confident in my muscle power and reflexes, so
I knew I couldn't let down my guard just because I was doing
well at the start. After all, I was racing Aoi.
I sensed her right behind me. Her feet were pounding
the ground sharply in an even rhythm, and they sounded
like they were searching for a chance to overtake me.
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Even though I was obsessed with her presence, I tried to
focus on my own running and find the zone. The world
where I could feel myself being pulled powerfully forward.
I still wasn't there.
I started to panic.
My rhythm was going to break, and Aoi would fly past
me as soon as it did.
If I couldn't get in my zone, that feeling of failure clawing
up my back would drag me down until I lost my stride.
I thought about how I felt when I was running in my
neighborhood. I wasn't thinking about wins and losses. I was
loving how good it felt to run. I was striving to beat my own
record.
If only I could find that feeling now…
I switched mental channels.
Your goal right now isn't to escape Aoi.
It's to enjoy the moment and run as fast as you can.
Don't listen to Aoi's footsteps.
Focus on your own.
My emotional orientation shifted. Gradually, my
sensations became clearer and sharper.
I was just starting to feel that tug forward.
I remembered what Tomozaki had told me when I was
upset about the situation with Aoi.
Isn't it enough to forget about being number one and
fight because you want to grow?
Isn't it enough to win against yourself, instead of
worrying about other people?
I think at the time I said it wasn't enough, but…hmm.
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Now I was starting to understand his point.
I could definitely run faster this way!
The finish line was only a dozen or so meters away. No
one was ahead of me.
My body grew lighter. My feet were bouncing over the
ground.
I ran so fast I could feel the wind against my skin and the
cheering around me.
Forward, forward—leaving my worries behind. My
problems didn't stand a chance.
I reveled in the run itself, in this world made for me and
me alone.
Before I realized it, my own body was breaking through
the tape.
I'd beat Aoi.
I ran a couple of strides past the finish line, then turned
around. Aoi was bent over with her hands on her knees,
looking frustrated and surprised.
I waited for a minute, but she still didn't say anything, so
I decided to break the silence.
"Huff…puff… Heh-heh, I won…!"
Aoi pouted, still breathing hard. Then she said, in a
cutely jealous tone—
"I want a rematch!"
I burst out laughing. She frowned and gave me a pitiful
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stare.
Huh. This is a different Aoi but still cute!
"Mimimi, you were so fast! I'm jealous! Let's go again!"
She sounded meeker than usual, but I didn't give in.
"No way! Next time I'll lose for sure, so I'm quitting
while I'm ahead!"
"N-no fair."
I waved victoriously at the crowd and walked toward the
start line. The rest of the team was buzzing over the surprise
outcome, and I was an instant celebrity.
I glanced back and felt a wave of affection for the
frustrated Aoi, so I followed my instincts.
"Eeek!"
She was completely unguarded right then, so this time,
my attempt to wrap my arms around her succeeded. She was
so soft, and she smelled so nice—I was in heaven.
"Hey! What are you doing?!"
"This is my reward for winning!"
"Hmph. I just lost one race. If we count first year, the
record's still four to one in my favor. Too bad for you!"
"That doesn't matter!" I protested, like an idiot. And I
definitely am one.
I mean, this was all it took for me to feel so lighthearted
and proud.
The sky was a brilliant blue. The sunbeams shining
through the cold winter air felt amazing.
I'm certain what I left at the finish line wasn't just my
title of "track team member" but all the worries and
uncertainty simmering in my heart for so long.
Yeah. I love running.
The wind blew, and I glanced back at the finish line.
The crumpled remains of the broken tape fluttered on
the ground.