Adarsh's Pov.
November 7th, 2022.
Darkness. That's all I can see no matter how much I walk or run. Its an endless pit of darkness . Or is it just my mind playing tricks again. I looked down at myself, I'm wearing my combat gear.
'What is happening? Why am I wearing my combat gear?' I thought to myself.
"Why did you let go?" A voice came from behind.
I turned around to face HER.
"What?" I asked her but I already know what she was talking about.
"Why did you let go of my hand?" She asked again tearfully and accusingly.
"I'm Sorry." I said dejectedly.
"Because of you…my sufferings are on you…remember that!!" She said with anger and contempt in her eyes.
Those eyes…I have forgotten everything about her but I cannot forget the look in her eyes while she was being dragged away by the crowd that day. It was a look of helplessness but there was also an understanding in those eyes. So why is she torturing me by asking these questions again and again?
"Why are you doing this to me? I already regret it very much. Why are you making it worse?" I asked her tiredly.
"So that you never forget that you could have saved a life but you didn't." She said while turning around to leave.
"Wait. Wait please listen to me, I'm sorry. It isn't that I didn't want to save you it's just that I couldn't. Please listen…" I tried to stop her but she didn't stop and vanished into thin air, like she was never there to begin with.
"I didn't do it intentionally. I wanted to save you. I really did…" I murmured softly.
"Please forgive me…" I continued to apologise.
I woke up with a starter. It's the same dream. For a few days now I have been dreaming about the girl I couldn't save on my last mission. This is really driving me crazy. I already have enough on my plate. I signed and looked towards the ceiling and found a lamp over my head.
'Wait a minute, why is there a lamp over my head?' I thought to myself.
"Because you are in my office." Came a voice from beside me.
I looked at my right and found my Uncle and Psychiatrist Yash Agnihotri smiling down at me.
"Did I said that out loud?" I asked dumbfounded.
"You most certainly did." He said with his usual comforting smile.
I exhaled loudly while closing my eyes and trying to get my thoughts together. These sessions are so exhausting. They not only drain you of your mental peace but they also physically exhaust you.
I turned towards his floor to ceiling windows. The view from here is quite beautiful.
'The high trees, the mountain ranges, the slight fog of Dehradun. People call it heaven on earth , they say it provides you with a sense of serenity. So why is it that I only find Chaos in this heaven?' I asked myself.
"Because there is Chaos inside you." Uncle Yash said softly. I looked at him questionably.
Not because I was confused how he knew what I was thinking but what I didn't understand was what was he implying by saying that the Chaos was inside me?
But instead of answering me, he just kept smiling and started to note down something in his notebook.
"I bet you still don't want to talk about what you saw in the state of hypnosis." He said looking at me intently.
Its was rather a statement then a question. As he knew I wasn't ready to be questioned about anything as of yet. So, I just did what I always do. I just nodded my head yes while looking down at my hands.
I hate it that I cannot open up about anything with him yet. Its not because I don't trust him or he isn't a qualified Psychiatrist. Its me who the problem is. I just cannot seem to say anything even if I desperately want to.
"Its okay, Adarsh. Take your time. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with anyone isn't easy. You don't have to feel pressured. Hmm?" He said trying to comfort me with his kind words.
I again turned towards the window trying very hard to hide my frustration on myself.
"Take you time you say, its already been three months Uncle. I don't know how you are being this patient with me, when all I do is disappoint you everytime we have our sessions." I said with an edge to my voice.
"Then why don't you stop disappointing me and start talking right about now?" He said firmly.
"Its not like I don't want to talk but it's just that I cannot. Everytime I try to do it…I feel like little by little I'm being surrounded by darkness. Its suffocating. It feels like it will consume me whole." I said feeling helpless.
"And that is the reason I never feel disappointed in you, Aadarsh." He said softly making me look at him questionably.
He smiled his fatherly smile that he rarely gives me in our sessions and said, "You totally understand your problems. Yes, you might not be sharing them with anyone right now but you are aware of them. And that's the first stage of recovery. That is the only reason that you never disappoint me even when you are surrounded by darkness. Because, my son, I believe one day you yourself will come to me and say 'Uncle, I have finally overcome my fears, I have overcome my darkness. I have finally reached My Dawn.'" He said with so much trust that it felt like that day will surely come.
Just then a nearby church bell started to ring. Signalling that it was lunchtime.
"Today's session took long enough." He said standing up from his place and heading towards his office table. "Next, session will be next month, same date and time. And your homework is to try and open up about what is on your mind. I hope you will be as punctual as you have always been, soldier."
"I'm not a soldier anymore." I said tightly.
"Once a soldier, always a soldier." He said firmly. I stood up not saying anything to that.
I mean what's the point in arguing with a Psychiatrist when he has an answer to nearly every fact with a witty fact of his own.
"Exactly my point!!" He exclaimed smiling brightly.
I looked at him with wide eyes and mouth agape. He's such a kid sometimes.
"I really need to stop this habit of mine." I said while nodding to myself.
"Ohh no. You don't have to change this habit because who knows while speaking out your mind, someday you might also start to speak out your heart." He said teasingly but I can see that he is really hoping that one day I do exactly the same.
"Next month, same date and time, got it. I'm off now." Saying that hastily I headed towards the door before he say something else that makes me uneasy.
"Adarsh…" I closed my eyes for a second. Okay, take it easy. He's doing it for you.
I turned around half facing him and put my hands on the door handle. Ready to dash out of here if he say what I'm thinking he's about to say.
"Go see your father before you leave." And there we go.
"I'm Out." I said hurriedly.
"Adarsh!!" He said with fatherly authority.
I sighed "Why do you always send me there when you know I don't want to?"
"Because he is your father." He said pointedly.
I stood there trying to say something but in vain. I am having so many thoughts all together that I am confused as to which one to focus.
I sighed a long sign and said slowly. "Okay." and left his office.
I stood outside his office for a while thinking of a way out but I had none. I can't even lie and say that I met him . The nurses will rat me out in a second.
'Screw it. Let's just get it over with.' I thought.
I started walking towards my father's room which was on the third floor of the hospital as Uncle's office was on the second floor. As I waited outside the elevator, I started thinking about the day when my somewhat peaceful life turned into utter chaos.
8 MONTHS AGO.
"Sir, we got a call from St. John Hospital of Dehradun." He said hurriedly.
"And…?" I asked uninterested.
"Its about your parents, Sir." He said hesitantly.
I looked at him and said with a hard voice, "Get to the point Officer."
He gulped and said hurriedly, "They said that your parents had an accident while returning from an event and their condition is quite critical."
Just then my phone started ringing in my locker. I opened the locker and took my phone out. It was Uncle Yash. I answered it hesitantly.
"Adarsh, thank goodness you answered your phone at last. Your father…"
"I know…the hospital called." I said cutting him mid sentence.
"Come home son, everyone needs you here."
And I remembered thinking at that moment. Do they?? Do they really need me??
The ding of the elevator brought me out of my thoughts and as the doors opened, I saw Reyansh coming out of it with a small bag in his hands. Probably lunch for Uncle Yash.
"Here for your sessions." He said more then he asked.
I smiled and said, "Yeah, He never lets me miss one of these." He smiled and nodded to himself.
He then hesitantly asked, "So, how was it?"
Now what was I to say when he was looking at me with hope in his eyes. And I was just going to shatter his hope…Again.
"The usual you know. Just me seeing things in my mind."
And right infront of me I saw my friend's hope shatter. 'Sorry Rey, this time too you didn't get what you wanted to hear.'
"Better than nothing, I guess." He said with a smile. I too smiled while nodding my head.
"Okay then, I have to pass this box to him. If it gets cold, Maa will kill me." He said while showing me the lunch box Aunt Sirat has packed for Uncle Yash.
"I say you hurry up then. He must be famished after dealing with my shit." I said playfully.
"Bullshit!! You know how much he loves you. It's a wonder to me that he hasn't adopted you yet." He said seriously.
"I know." I said shortly.
"Okay, see you later." With that I turned towards the elevator to leave but was stopped by Reyansh.
"You know that we all are here for you. We will listen to anything you have to say." He said looking dead serious.
Of course I know that they all were there for me, always have been. But the problem isn't them it's me. And only I can help myself to get out of this shit.
"I know." I said.
"Okay, good if you know. See you later." And with that he dashed towards Uncle's Office.
I just smiled, Reyansh always tries but the guy is very bad in expressing his emotions. With that thought in mind I took the elevator to the third floor.
'Time to start the therapy.' I thought.
I reached and started walking towards my father's room. As I reached his door, I started to have second thoughts about it. But I ignored it and entered the room.
The first thing I saw as I entered the room was Doctor Danish doing his daily rounds.
"Hello, Mr. Dewan. How are you today?" He asked politely.
"Alive and kicking." I said smiling.
"What about you doc? Everything going good, I guess."
"Why do you even ask, when you are going to answer your questions yourself?" He asked while checking up my father's IV's.
"Just to be polite." I said being cheeky.
He looked at me signing a long sign and said, "Why do I even bother asking? Do whatever is that you have come to do."
I then turned towards my father and simply said, "Hi, Dad."
There lay my father, unmoving. He has been in this Comatose state for nearly a year now. The doctors say that he isn't responding to medicines quite well. I say he isn't responding at all. We don't know when he will wake or if he will ever wake.
After that accident eight months ago many things change. My mother died three days after the incident. To this day I cannot forget and believe what she said on her dead bed, which is also the reason why I always come here. To hear the answers I want to hear.
I stood there for five minutes without saying anything.
Then said to the doctor, "Okay then, carry on with your work. I'll be leaving now."
"You can talk to him, you know? They say people can hear and feel everything even if they are in a coma."
I stood there contemplating what Danish just said.
"What's the point? When he can't even answer me." by saying this I went out of the room.
Memories came flooding to me. Memories I desperately want to forget. Memories that hurts because they are the only Happy memories I possess. Memories that can possibly be a complete lie.
My chest started to feel tight. My breathing picked up as my heart rate accelerated.
'Adarsh, come here my boy.'
'Stop.'
'Adarsh…'
"Stop it, please."
"Sir, are you okay?" a nurse asked concerned.
I looked at her then around me afraid that either Reyansh or Uncle Yash has seen me going through this. But thankfully no one was there in the hallway and I realised I was crouching down.
I got up hastily and tried to control my breathing.
"I'm Okay. Thanks." I said to the nurse and almost run towards the exit.
As I was exiting the hospital my phone started ringing. I took it out and saw the name 'Wisdom Academy' was calling me. I stopped on my track and wondered what could it be that they are calling me.
'Now, what has he done?' I thought and run towards my car.
THIRD PERSON POV.
Seeing his friend, Adarsh Dewan, from his father's office window, Reyansh Agnihotri thought to himself if everything was alright with his friend.
He has always been careful with him but after that incident almost a year ago he feels like his friend has become a ticking time bomb, which might blow off any minute if not handled carefully.
"Is he alright, Dad?" He asked his father, Yash Agnihotri, without taking his eyes off his friend who was talking animatedly on the phone.
"Who are you talking about?" His father said while eating his lunch, knowing all too well who his son was referring too.
"You know who I am talking about." He said facing his father now.
"He's Okay." He said not looking at Reyansh.
Reyansh knew his father too well to believe what the man was telling him. "He's Okay? He's Okay you say. Then why does it feels like he will blow off any moment if we aren't careful enough?" Reyansh asked his father with an edge to his voice.
"How I wish he would blow off sooner than latter. I am waiting for that day." Yash said signing.
"Just what are you talking about ,dad?" Reyansh said annoyed with his father's vague answers.
"That kid has never had it easy. He needs time, son. And he needs us to be patient. If you want to help him, just be there for him. So, whenever he blows off, you will be there to hear him out." After hearing his father say that Reyansh was calmed down.
"That's all I need to do? No. That's all I can do for him?" He asked his father dejected.
Yash knew why his son was so desperate to help Adarsh but sadly he wasn't the one who can help him.
"Yes. And that will be a great help. Trust me." Yash said offering a reassuring smile to his son.
Reyansh signed a long sign and turned towards the window. Praying to any God who was listening to help his friend.
Little did he knew that his prayers were already answered.