I took one step into the arched door of our holdings, standing there for a while.
I observed myself.
Noticing the rise and fall of my breath. Listening to the hummer of my heart, in my ear....I gazed over to far left. Tearful eyes looking vacantly around the room.
There was nothing here. Nothing in this dark hole.
And yet here I was, back again. Without Sharp. Without Cheesy. Without Mother.
It was just me.
So I used my imagination.
I saw Mother Mince, Cheesy, and Sharp at the dining table, eating.
Mother was slapping Chessy's hand for dipping into his plate too quickly, without having prayed first. Sharp threw his head back and was laughing his ass off, sticking his tongue out at Cheesy and getting scolded in the process.
The gameboard was still on the table.
Cheesy was holding his head down and crying, accusing Sharp of how he was constantly cheating.
"Oh hush!!! Your just terrible at the game. Don't blame me for cheating just because I'm better at it than you" he would say.
Then, the figures of my imagination vanished before my eyes.
There was no Mother. There was no Cheesy. There was no Sharp..
There was only me. Standing in a doorway.
Observing a room that was cold, empty, and devoid of life.
That reeked of scents and memories of people..that meant the world to me....
My vision travelled down to my body. From the neck down, I was drenched in blood; it was everywhere. Staining the white underbelly of my waist, my feet.
I brought my paws up to my eyes.
They were bloody and sticky, and it turned dark. Clots of it nudged itself between the spaces of where my fingers adjoined.
An image of Sharp and I's fingers intertwined moments before flashed in my mind. Then I remembered his face. The somber, yet peaceful stare.
The way the corners of his mouth were turned upright into a smile. He looked so...happy. So serene.
I felt my heart expand and constrict at the same time; I held my chest, trying to soothe the stiffened convulsions that ached.
It moved from my chest to my throat, and it was coming up. Pins and needles mixed with blazing fire, making its way up my mouth.
Was I going to throw up again?
My lips began to whimper. A weakening dread flew through my body, bringing me to my knees.
The tears. They were hotter this time. Like warm water washing down my face.
The pins and needles in my throat blasted throw my mouth with a channel of fire,
I screamed out all the emotions that existed in my body. The fear, the sadness, the anger, the confusion...
I wept, beating and ripping at my chest.
All of this was my fault. If I had paid more attention to Sharp and grabbed him from walking out to challenge that cat, he would still be alive.
If I hadn't been such an awful Brother and kept grinding for Mother's approval to make him see how irresponsible he was. If I allowed him to take the lead more often, and not led myself to believe that I was better than him, he would have been alive.
I was the one pushing Cheesy to get active so he could keep up with us. I was the one who stripped him off Cheese, starved him of it, which ended up in him jumping over a plank and drowning to his death for it.
Mother left me with the responsibility of watching over my brothers. Of loving them, of taking care of them.
And I failed. I failed them all.
"I failed you all....I faiilledd!!!!!!" the chip on my shoulder turned into a 100-pound heavy weighted block, everything coming down to crush me, all at once.
My body spasmed and swayed in rage.
All kinds of sounds came out of me that I never knew existed.
I was sick of everything. Sick of being attacked by things that were bigger than me. The Giant trying to smack me with a shoe, the Falcons running me down to devour me, the cat biting, chewing and gnawing us up like we were things to be played with.
I hated things that were bigger than me. And everything in this world seemed to be.
Jolting off of my legs I ran to the dining table and flipped it over, all the rocks and objects on it clattering to the floor. Dashing to the food area I took the shreds of leftover cabbage, chicken, beef and whatever else throwing them to the wall, the food sticking on to it like a pin did its target.
I kicked the water bucket straight out the door, the plastic cap clattering across the floor and rolling out into the hallway.
There was nothing I felt but rage.
All this shit I was going through...all the fights, all the blood, all the sacrifices I made just to be free. I couldn't even be granted my freedom of will to go and do what I please. Was my existence that intolerable???
Were rodents the most disgusting, vile, insufferable species to walk the Earth??
"All of this is Stupid!!! Stupid stupid stupid!!!!" belting at the top of my voice I ran to the clump of left-over shredded cotton nesting's in the corner where we all slept, taking the cotton and ripping it apart.
Piece after piece, scrap after scarp, my claws dug into the cotton and tore it up, morsels of it floating by gently in the air.
I kept screaming and bursting out gibberish, the prickling heat burning me in my chest and throat. Spit flew as I raged on to the game table, the board game sitting there untouched. I grabbed it off the desk and hurled it to the wall with all the force I had in my body.
The board crashed against it, splitting in two while the soldier pieces landed haphazardly all over the place, in all directions.
As they hit the floor, all the memories came back.
Countless moments of us playing Dratsmate came back to me.
Sharp, me and Cheesy were sitting right at the board, Sharp making his move. Cheesy loathing after us with his therefore this and therefore that, finally storming off. I remembered the afternoon when he won against Sharp, Sharp smiling and congratulating him.
I remembered how Cheesy left us to play Dratsmate and we made up over the fight after Mother's death....
The pain in my chest got worst. It was like a furnace, burning my heart strings. The anchored apprehension in my stomach fell to the ground.
Without thinking I jumped over to the wall that I tossed the board at, desperately picking up all the pieces and holding them to my heart.
"Sharp...Cheesy...Mother...Please..come back. I can't do this without you..." I clutched the pieces to my heart. Curling into a ball, I held onto them. Gripping them so hard, a splinter cut my finger. I couldn't throw these away.
They were the only things I had left to remember them by.
The tears flooded down my face.
I rolled up into a fetal position holding onto the King and Queen pieces with the board, gulping in short breathes like the capacity of my lungs to function had lost itself, weeping uncontrollably.
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