Instead of having fun for the rest of my day as free, here I am and mumbling in my bedroom. There is no energy to go out or take walks for fun. Whatever I do, I still have in mind what is happening.
How can I have fun, if the weight of my feelings is due to resentment? I just leaned on the headboard of the bed while turning on earphones. If I could just not go out, I would. But, Daddy said that the one with my gown would come to measure me. They said they bought already made gown, they said it would only be repaired if there was a problem. Tss.
Before, I'm dreaming about wearing a beautiful white gown walking down the aisle. But now, I'm hoping it won't happen… Not like this …
When I heard the knocking from outside my room, I stood up. I first put my phone and earphones on the bed before going to the door to open it. Beautiful smiles of two gay men opened up to me, with them Mommy with only a serious face.
“Good morning, ma'am!” The two greeted at the same time.
I want to smile, but I can't. Because that's not how I feel now. I opened the door neatly and let them in. They were carrying a large box that probably contained a gown to measure me.
“Miss beautiful, wear this.” Said one of them while smiling.
“Okay …” I had no answer. They helped me put on the gown, Mommy was just sitting on the end of my bed while looking at us. The sleeves of the gown are long, until my wrist but off the shoulder. Mermaid cut but with a long slit in the left leg. I can say it's gorgeous gown.
This perfect gown didn't fit for this kind of wedding of mine.
“Wow! The fitting is just right! It looks like it was really measured for your madame! ” Stunning, says the gay with blond hair.
“True sis!” His companion answered.
I looked at myself in the full-length mirror, like them, I was amazed too. But, I couldn’t help but be happy. With the beauty of this gown, I can't help but show them that I'm also impressed that it suits me. I cried at the fact, I would never experience the wedding I dreamed of. I cried at the fact, this is really what my life will be like. To marry the person, I want to marry, but curse me.
I immediately took off the gown and handed it to them immediately. Surprisingly, they looked at me and accepted the gown.
“That’s okay. You don't have to change anything, go ahead. I do not feel well.” I will repel them while trying to hold back the tears that wanted to disappear earlier.
“All right …” They answered in surprise.
“Let's go, she needs to rest.” My Mom said and lead them to my room's door.
When they all came out, I locked the door of my room again. I just leaned on its back and closed my eyes.
“Am I a bad person in my past life so that my life can be like this now?” I can't stop thinking because of what's happening to me.
Throughout the week, they just come to my room whenever they need me for the upcoming wedding.
[Don't you really want to run away?] My friend asked from the other line.
“Ah, I'm fine …”
[Okay? Are you kidding me? You're getting married in two days! Yes, you like the man, but we know he hates you! What will happen to you when you are married?]
This question reminds me. Who doesn't want to escape to this situation? But, if she and her family are the ones to pay, I'll just put up with it. I can still bear it if it's just me, but I can't bear my friend to suffer just for my happiness.
I do not want…
“Don't worry too much, I can handle myself, A. Besides, didn't I tell you to update you on my married life?" I said, trying to keep the tone just normal so that my friend wouldn't get too upset.
[But, B… I would rather not regret in the end that I didn't do anything for you. I want to avoid regretting that I didn't run away from you in a relationship that you didn't want. Not only that, but I'm scared for you, B …]
Suddenly the tone of her voice broke. I covered my mouth so that she could not hear my sobs. Likewise, I love you so much, A … Thank you so much for your efforts … For your concerns … I could hear her sobs from the other line, crushing my heart. She doesn't cry before, so when she cries, I know she's hurting or having a hard time. And the reason now is because of me …
“A … Promise … Nothing bad will happen to me . Steve isn't such a bad person to hurt just because of what happened.” I wish…
[B …]
She calls my name crying. My heart seemed to tear because I could feel that she cared so much for me.
“I’ll be fine, A. I’ll call you every day, I’ll tell you everything. Stop worrying too much about me. Hmmm? ” I begged to my friend, but my tears never stopped dripping.
[You can't stop me from worrying about you, but go ahead, if you promise you'll be okay. And you will keep the promise that you will always call me. It's up to you …] Her forces consent. I smiled because of that.
“Promise … I promise …” I didn't say anything of my own because I can't really promise that I'll be okay, but I'll insist. Furthermore, I can do it.
[Okay … See you in two days. At church. Even if you change your mind, I'm ready at any time…]
“Okay … Thank you, A … Love you …”
[Love you, B… Stay safe always. Please …]
“I will …”
Upon cutting off the call, it was there that I let out my sobs and tears. I lay down on the bed and let myself drown in thought. I left myself in relentless tears. Not only that, but I know, this is bad but… Likewise, I hate you Mom, I hate you Dad… You always put me in pain…
You always make me suffer for your happiness. Not only that, but you made me cursed my own special day — my birthday. The only day that I let myself free and happy with my best friend every year. Because of your selfishness, my life changes and turn into hell.
“God, I'm not questioning your will for me. But, why? Why me? W-Why … Do I deserve all of this? I know I forgot about you, but I'm only human. Mistakes, forgets, why such a substitute? Will I still experience being happy? Or will you take my life back while I am still hurting? ”
When you really have nothing to cling to, you can even ask God. That I know is wrong …
Despite what is happening … I know, you don't give people a test that they can't pass. I hope it's the same for me, I hope I can get through all this … Even though I don't have good guidance from my parents, please guide me …