Chapter Forty-Nine – Thank You For The Heartache
"Rusty."
Someone was calling his name. It was incredibly annoying. He turned on his other side, but a punch in the shoulder convinced him that he wouldn't get away even if he growled and pretended to be ready to bite.
"What?"
"It's almost noon. Get up. And don't get all depressed on me," August scolded him.
He ran one hand over his face. He needed a shave. Shower. Get out of the house. And face the world. Huzzah.
For the last three days – if he still knew how to count – he had holed up at August's, ignoring phone calls, texts, and even visitors at the door. Loyal to his cause, his host had graciously sent all his friends on their way, but it looked like even her patience had an end. Naturally.
The only problem was that he had no idea how to continue, how to get up and out there, go on living his life. As usual was out of the question. August had kept up with his mom's evolution. Nothing new on that front. That phase of suspended hopes and tragedies ate at him slowly, with the obsessive persistence of a wood-devouring critter. It didn't matter how tough he thought himself to be; it only took enough holes bored into him to make him paper-thin.
August sat gingerly by his side.
"Sorry for doing this, but you can't go on like this," she said in a gentle, yet firm voice. "I understand pain, I've been there long enough. You need a bit of air." She patted his knee. "Come on. Hit the shower while I fix you something to eat. And don't say a word."
"Not even thank you?"
"Okay, I'll take that. But I'd rather you be quiet and think properly about what to do next."
He felt tempted to ask if Matty had dropped by, but then, he quickly recovered. There was no need to stick pins in such a sore wound. Matty was better off. Matty was better off. He only had to repeat that to himself as many times as possible, and it would become reality.
Half an hour later, he was closer to a human being than he had been over the last interminable days. He accepted the offered lunch and ate without feeling the taste or texture of the food. August could have served him cardboard dipped in tap water, or a complete gourmet meal, and it would have all tasted the same to him.
Still, he was aware that he needed the nourishment. And being depressed wasn't helping anyone. August was right about that. Even the jacket he put on seemed strange and unfamiliar.
"Are you coming?" he asked her.
August nodded and grabbed her jacket.
"Unless you have something better to do."
"Better than assisting your baby steps as the new Rusty Parker? No. By the way, I don't approve of whatever you think you're doing, but that's beyond the point. Let's go."
She hadn't asked him where they were going, and he had no destination in mind. However, because of him, she hadn't gone out a lot, either, and she probably needed a bit of air. Just like he did, although he had no notion of such needs.
Until they stepped out in the balmy air of the late fall afternoon. It was the kind of weather that made him feel good even if he felt bad, as it carried the same nostalgias as he did.
"We're going to see your friends," August announced, without giving him an option.
That meant that they would have to walk across the campus, and, at first, Rusty had an almost visceral impulse of self-preservation. August, however, held his elbow tightly, with the obvious intention of not letting him run back into the house.
***
Heartache, it seemed, was something any human being could get used to. That was what Matty thought as he walked out of the science building. At first, he had deemed the whole thing unbearable, but it had only been a few days – albeit it felt like a lot longer – and the pain and emotional exhaustion had become a part of him. He would call them old friends, only they were new.
These days had given him the opportunity to think a lot. Maddox and Jonathan had called every day, not to needle him with useless questions such as how he was feeling, but to maintain a connection with him. They didn't talk about Rusty unless he asked, and they appeared more concerned with his wellbeing. He was thankful for their friendship.
Kane had called, too, and offered him, in unlimited terms, his support. Dex had been there, too, interjecting from time to time, and offering a different type of support. He was responsible, as he seemed to feel, with the ass-kicking department, so Zoey hadn't been far off in her assumptions that it might be a little scary to have that mountain of a young man punish Rusty for whatever he needed to be punished for.
Matty had accepted everything wearily, while hoping they weren't disappointed in his replies. He wished he had more to give, but besides gratitude, there was a vast emptiness inside him.
He was getting used to it. A dim hope continued to flicker inside him, even though the days seemed bleak, despite the pleasant weather. One day, Rusty would have to talk to him, when all the wounds were scabbed over, and then he would tell him why. His ill-timed confession had cut short all explanations, and Matty couldn't let go of them. Rusty would learn, no matter what he thought, why Matty loved him. Sunshine and rainbows didn't begin to cover it.
First, he heard the murmurs, running through the crowd of students going in and out of campus buildings like a sudden restless wave. Then, he saw the reason for it.
Nothing should have shocked him, but he remained frozen in place nonetheless. Rusty was walking through the quad, but it wasn't with his confident strut, his usual posture as the king of Sunny Hill. He held August by the shoulders and listened attentively to something she was saying. Even from that distance, Matty could swear he could see all of the lines in Rusty's face, all of the shadows and planes, every inch of skin.
People walked by him, some brushing past closely, sometimes throwing him a strange, annoyed look or a surprised one, but he didn't move at all. And Rusty, as if he could tell he was being watched so intently, raised his eyes and met his over the shifting crowd.
Matty didn't even dare to blink. Rusty didn't, either. But his body moved and Matty watched as the guy he loved turned to the woman by his side to embrace her and hold her tightly, his eyes never leaving his.
***
He was so tense he was afraid to make even one move. He ignored August's question – what was going on? – and kept staring at Matty, at the way he stood there, arms by his sides, unmoving, unquestioning, just staring back.
And then, he noticed the smile, calm and kind that lit up the face he knew so well, the face he had held close so many times. That was Matty the way he wanted to remember him. Forgiving, understanding. And sad. That part was temporary. Matty would forget and move on. If there was only one thing he wanted to shout over the quad and all those indifferent heads and minds, it had to be this: move on.
"Hey," August said in a concerned voice, "are you okay?"
He had to break eye contact and turn back to reality. August stared at him, and she must have seen something in his eyes because she turned away and then quickly back to him.
"Rusty," she said through her teeth, "I don't like being used. Never do that again."
"Okay," he breathed out.
"Won't you go talk--"
"No. I've already granted you one wish."
August sighed but added nothing. He knew very well why she was doing that. She thought this was a phase and he'd get over it. But Rusty couldn't see himself doing that; this new world for him didn't seem to offer much, but he had made his choice.
***
He had expected it to hurt. But he hadn't expected it to hurt so badly, like there was nothing left for him but hurt all over. The only point he hung onto was the smile he gave Rusty before walking away. And from that single point, a soothing sensation spread. August had to be able to make Rusty very happy if she could help him through such trying times. That was the truth, and it had been placed right in front of his eyes for him to see.
Love wasn't supposed to be egotistical, he realized. He had to wish Rusty happiness, and if that didn't include him, that was just something he had to live with. Rusty had August. Jonathan and Maddox both could say as often as they wanted that she was only a friend to Rusty, but Matty had seen the truth just now, in the way Rusty had held her, and not for the world to see. For him to see.
He rushed toward the dorm. Supposedly, he still had classes to attend but he couldn't remember what they were and why he had to go.
When Zoey caught him on the stairs, he was already running.
"Matty, have you heard?"
He shook his head no but admitted, "Yes. He's with her now." So few words, yet they held everything he needed to know.
"I'm so pissed," Zoey continued and grabbed his arm.
"Don't you have classes?" he asked her.
"Don't you?" she answered with a question. "This is too big. I want to cry so much."
She even sniffled. Matty let out a small laugh at first but, in all honesty, he felt like crying, too. Good thing they were close to his room now.
Zoey grabbed his hand and held it. "You should go to him and slap him," she proposed.
"Why?" Matty asked and as he uttered the one word it came out pained.
"Because he's such an asshole," Zoey complained. "How could he do this to you?"
"He's happy with her. There's nothing I can do."
"Don't you want to slap him? Strangle him? Kill him a little?"
"Maybe. A little. But it's no use. He's obviously made his choice, and he wanted me to see it."
"I know!" Zoey shouted and jumped to her feet. There was just too much energy in that small body, and it had to find an outlet somewhere. "You will have to do the same."
"Should I hug August in the middle of the quad?"
"Don't hide behind jokes," Zoey said and stamped her foot. "I hate her guts. I don't know what her deal is, but she makes me so mad."
"None of this is her fault. Rusty chose her," Matty said, trying to sound convincing and failing.
"I don't care! She's to blame because she exists. That's enough for me," Zoey stated, waving one hand through the air.
"Well, I'm glad she exists because Rusty had someone to turn to when he needed it."
"Damn you, Matty." Zoey shook her head in negation. "You're not giving up, are you?"
"I don't even know what you mean by that. I can't stop loving him if that's what you're asking. But I can stop trying to talk to him. Talking to him is something that might be possible in the future, but not right now. I'm only human."
"That's good enough for me. You need to make him jealous."
Matty rolled his eyes, trying to make light of Zoey's suggestion.
"No, don't give me that look," his friend continued. "It is not a matter of choice. You just have to do it. Give me your phone. I'm going to send you on three different Grindr dates in a jiffy."
"Gawd, Zoey, the last thing I want right now is hook up," Matty replied and slipped his phone under his mattress in a swift motion and then sat on the bed to ensure that his bestie wouldn't get him in unusual trouble just because she cared so much about him.
"There's no way you can let him get away with this."
"This, as you call it, is what he chose. I can't go against that."
Zoey shook her head, her lips pursed. She paced the room and seemed to be deep in thought. Matty decided not to interrupt her. He had no energy left anyway. What he wanted right now was to hide under the covers and sleep until he forgot everything.
"Something's wrong," Zoey muttered under her breath. At this point, she seemed more likely to be talking to herself than to him. "There's no way I'm wrong about this. You can't tell me you didn't feel it, Matty."
"Feel what?"
"That he loves you. It's impossible for anyone to get so close to you and not love you."
"Not for him, obviously."
"Stop putting yourself down. There has to be something." She continued pacing the floor, this time with her hands behind her back, like a general anxious to get his strategy right before leading the attack of his troops.
"I appreciate this, Zoey, I do--"
His phone ringing interrupted them. Cautiously, Matty rummaged for it under the mattress.
"Is it Rusty? Who is it?" Zoey asked, throwing the questions at him in rapid fire.
"No, it's someone else," Matty said and frowned as he saw the name on the screen. "I'd better not--"
Zoey grabbed it from him with the dexterity of a monkey. Rusty had been right to give her that nickname. She was already in the bathroom, the door locked. He pounded on it.
"Zoey, come on, this isn't funny."
"Who's Jamie?" Zoey asked, while his phone kept ringing.
"No one."
"That's it, I'm answering it."
Matty groaned and pressed his forehead against the bathroom door while listening to Zoey's voice on the other side.
"Why, of course, he'd be so happy to get together with you," Zoey drawled. "Yeah, well, you see, the moment he saw you were calling, he got so excited that he had to jump in the shower. Yeah, without answering the phone, because that's how flustered he got. Of course, I'll tell him. He'll be there."
Matty crossed his arms and waited for Zoey to come out of the bathroom. As if she hadn't done the unspeakable, she handed the phone back to him.
"You have a date," she said brightly.
"I'm not going. Jamie's a player."
"All for the better. That's exactly what you need right now."
"Zoey, that guy might want to hook up!"
"So? By the way, your date is in two hours. Make sure to wash all that sadness off your face. Or maybe not. Something tells me that this dude might be big time into you if you style yourself as a tragic figure."
"He's never called me before," Matty said. "Obviously, he wants to talk to me about Rusty, and that's not what I want."
"Why would he want to talk to you about Rusty?"
"Because they're friends."
Zoey stared at him for a moment and then snapped her fingers. "That's even better. You can ask him what the hell got into Rusty. Grill the hell out of him."
"Zoey, it's a bad idea. I might not survive this so-called date," Matty warned.
But she was grinning happily. "Oh, he's so going to wreck you. And you know it. Oh, gawd, this is so good. It's exactly what you need."
"Zoey! Really! I'm not the kind to jump from--"
"I know." She grabbed him by the arms and looked him in the eyes. "But if you go out there, and Rusty hears about it, I bet he's going to eat his heart out. He's not the only one who can pull that sort of act."
Going on a date with Jamie was the last thing Matty needed or wanted to do. Zoey would just have to understand that.
"It's either this or I'm staying cooped up in here all day with you so that we can both cry our eyeballs out. Come on, Matty, you don't have to hook up with this guy. And I know you're not the kind to do so, and that you're stronger than this. If you still love Rusty so much, what are you even afraid of?"
That was one valid question. It wasn't as if he would let himself be pressured into hooking up just out of politeness. To see himself with anyone other than Rusty was ludicrous to begin with. So he laughed.
Zoey hugged him briefly. "I knew you'd make the right choice."
"But I didn't say that I'd go."
"You don't have to. I know you will. Also, I'm going to sit here and force you to get ready for your date. So, you see, you can't ditch Jamie. By the way, is he sexy?"
"Very."
"Perfect. Take that, Rusty Parker," Zoey said, clenching her tiny fist.
***
"Oh, look what the cat dragged in," Kane remarked first as soon as he set foot in the house and let August in after him.
"That's not a very nice name to call August," he said, making an attempt at joking. "She's more like a cougar."
"Do you want to die?" August threatened him. "I'm not that old. I did my part, guys. I brought him here. Do you think you can take him off my hands for a while?"
"Yeah, not a problem. Thank you for bringing the stray back," Kane said promptly. "Would you like a cup of coffee?"
"No, I'm off. I have a thousand things to take care of."
She hadn't said anything about having things to do, but it was true that she had been around to look after him, so she must have neglected her own life for him. He turned to her to offer his thanks, but she waved him off with a pointed look in her eyes as she said goodbye and walked out.
Great. Now, he would have to endure the ordeal by himself. He looked at Kane, and his friend simply looked back at him before walking to the foot of the stairs to yell: "Rusty's back!"
He plopped down on the sofa, bracing himself for the lecture that would soon start. He didn't expect a friendly squeeze on his shoulder.
"So, how have you been?"
"Through hell, mostly," he admitted.
Kane was the most likely of them all to start with the lecturing, so that was a great sign. He was about to add something when he got attacked from behind and forced to the floor. Dex held him down and rubbed his head hard.
"Finally, home?"
"Yeah. Although I might need the hospital now. You must have broken at least one of my ribs."
"Shut up, whiner. You're fine."
That he was, especially now with the warm welcome and all.
"Rusty!" Maddox exclaimed from the top of the stairs and hurried down to pick him up off the floor.
This time, he didn't feel like the hug was unwarranted, so he hugged his bestie back.
"Where's Johnny boy?" he asked. "Don't tell me he's too busy studying."
"No, he's here, too. We have a ton of things to tell you."
"Can the lecture wait for a couple of more days?"
"We don't want to lecture you." Maddox made them both sit on the sofa. "We're just glad you're back."
"Wow, so no lecturing?"
"No. But you've been out of the loop, and you need to get right back in."
"Yeah, sure."
That was normal, right? Banter and chill all around. He felt better already.
"So, what's been going on in the realm in my absence?" he joked.
"Jonathan's going to tell you," Maddox said and gestured with his chin at his future better-half, who was coming down the stairs. "Connor's been going so crazy with no one to stand in his way."
He got up to hug Jonathan on his own, giving the others a reason to jeer and hoot.
"So, what's up with Connor?" he asked, as soon as all the effusive hugs and welcomes were out of the way.
"Not many good things, obviously," Jonathan said. "He has started a crusade against the Dean of Students."
"What for?" Rusty asked with a frown. "After all, Preston gave him free rein to do whatever he wanted with that crappy organization."
"Well, apparently, that's no longer good enough for him. He wants the guy's head," Maddox explained. "I have no idea if or what kind of pull he has with the administration, but he's going at it like a crazy dog. He might make Preston resign, only by making the poor man think that all the students hate him."
Rusty sensed his mind starting to work, but then he remembered his choice and only smiled.
"So what are you guys going to do about it?"
That appeared to make them all stop for a moment. Then, Jonathan began to talk.
"I personally assured the dean of our support. He might have been a laissez-faire kind of dean to us, but I'm quite certain that we don't want him replaced with whoever Connor considers fit for the job."
"It's not like he can do that, anyway. Unless that pull, as you call it, is pretty strong," Rusty said.
"It's all politics and perspective," Kane explained. "And you know how easily influenced some of the students can be. A large number of them don't care, and that's a problem, too. Because we can end up with the vocal minority led by Connor turning the campus into whatever crazy vision he has for it."
"Yeah, but we're seniors. We shouldn't care so much," Rusty argued.
Dex stared at him as if he was growing another head. "It's all a matter of principles, Rusty. Don't say you're okay with this shit Connor is trying to pull. The people need a champion." He punched him playfully in the shoulder. "And they have one. When are you going to take back what's yours? You've let Connor do his worst for a bit, but that has to stop."
Rusty opened his arms in a gesture of surrender. "I'm going to tell Preston in person that I'm with him. But I'm not going to do anything else. I mean, between you and me, this whole king of Sunny Hill thing is a bit childish."
"What about Rybalt?" Jonathan asked.
Rusty shrugged. "He's as good as dead and buried. Unless someone else feels like donning a cape and trying his hand at singing--"
"Are you giving up on being Rybalt?" Maddox interrupted.
"I know you must all feel sort of disappointed, but I got a wakeup call, Maddie." He said the nickname not as playful mockery, but as the endearment it truly was. "I no longer have time for fooling around."
"So, are you going to study now?" Kane asked.
They were all looking at him intently.
"The least I can do is finish college properly. Don't expect me to surpass our dear Jonathan here, but I'm going to pull my own weight."
"What about singing?" Dex asked. "You're going to take it up seriously after college, right?"
He shook his head and didn't dare look at anyone in particular. "No. It was all really silly if we think about it, right? I mean, all this cloak and dagger stuff. Life is not a play."
"Damn," Dex said and stared at him with surprise. "When did you decide to grow up?"
"When mom took a tumble because of me," he replied. "A little tumble that put her in a coma. Is that enough of an answer for you, Dexter?"
Dex looked away. They all seemed stunned by the revelations of this new person that looked like their friend and moved like their friend, but no longer spoke like him.
"Look, guys," he said, "it's not like these things didn't have to come to an end eventually. We've fooled around long enough. Real life is waiting for us. And of us all, I've fooled around the most. It was going to happen anyway."
Dex shook his head as if he couldn't understand a thing he was saying. Kane sighed and crossed his arms in reproach. But Maddox held his shoulder and didn't seem to judge him.
"Well, if any of you has anything else to say, please don't hold back." He stared, in turn, at each of his friends. "You, Jonathan?" he asked, eventually, since the frown on that aristocratic face seemed to say that there was something to share and it was important.
Jonathan smiled and began walking away. "I have a phone call to make. And we all have to study, anyway. Welcome back, Rusty."
Yes, they had to study. It was boring, but it was a must. A grownup person didn't go around, doing whatever they wanted all the time. Sometimes, they needed to buckle down and do what was right.
***
Matty wasn't particularly surprised by the arm thrown over his shoulders and for his personal space to be invaded like that.
"For the record, Jamie, I'm here only because Zoey's crazy."
"Zoey," Jamie said with a grin. "That cheeky girl on the phone. Do you swing both ways, Matty?"
"No."
"So, just a little thing you don't have in common with Rusty."
When Jamie called, Matty had forgotten they had exchanged phone numbers. And now, he wasn't so sure he wanted to be there and talk about Rusty. Damn, he was turning into such a coward. He needed to get a grip already. And he wanted to talk about Rusty. Not to curse at him, like Zoey seemed to prefer, but to try understand him, if such a thing were possible to begin with.
"Yeah, I guess so. What would you like to do? Where to?"
"Let's take a walk." Jamie had no trouble holding him. If Rusty weren't in the picture, Matty could see no reason to not give in and have a little fun with the attractive bad boy by his side.
Nothing was truly stopping him apart from his feelings. Zoey had gone as far as to talk to him about rebound sex, but Matty didn't feel like that would be the right solution for him. With Rusty's rejection, it felt as if all the desire had been washed out of him. There was nothing left.
"So, Rusty went and did it, right?"
"Aren't you abnormally in touch with what's going on at Sunny Hill, Jamie? I bet you only called because you heard… wait. Did it end up in Xpress?"
"That crappy gossip rag? I have no idea. But I heard enough people talking about Rusty Parker's long awaited return. The king got himself a queen. Am I wrong?"
"I don't think you are," Matty said, although he felt his chest caving in from the pressure.
"Where does that leave you, Matty?"
"Exactly where I am."
"Where's that?"
The entire conversation seemed so strange. Matty had expected Jamie to try to get into his pants, or at least allude to that.
"Whatever impression you might have about what went on between Rusty and I, it's wrong," he said. "I mean, it was just a thing between us. Like fuck buddies, to speak your language. August's more than that to him."
"Rusty has been fuck buddies for a moment or two with a whole lot of girls, but never with a dude," Jamie said.
"That's just a detail. And it's irrelevant."
"Really? How weird. All those months of you two fucking like rabbits, you know that's weird, too, right?"
"It's not weird. It was a pleasurable way to pass the time." It was getting more and more difficult to get the words out in Jamie's presence. The guy was looking for a truth, and Matty had no idea if he had that truth to give him.
"If that was all it was, how come you're so down?"
"That's my problem. And weren't you the one who said something about offering comfort to those in need? Not so keen on your saintly duties, are you?" Matty said and shook his head. At least, if Jamie did that, if he jumped at the opportunity, then he would have a reason to call off the date and go back to his dorm to lick his wounds the way he wanted.
"Oh, I'm here to offer you all the comfort you need." Jamie stopped and turned him so that they were facing each other. "You know, you're really pretty."
"Thanks."
"I didn't mean it as a compliment. It's a fact."
"I see. This is how you're trying to seduce me."
"Maybe." That sexy dimpled smile must have won over many hearts. "How am I doing so far?"
"I'm afraid you'll have to try harder than that."
"Oh, yeah?" Jamie wrapped one hand around the back of his neck and moved closer.
Matty met his gaze without flinching. And he didn't close his eyes, either, when Jamie moved in for a kiss.
***
What's the definition of a worthy cause, Sunny Hill? We'll tell you something about such grand ideas. A worthy cause requires a worthy opponent, and therefore, we see neither. If you've paid attention to what has been happening lately on our beloved campus grounds, you know what we're talking about.
Are there truly no more heroes left in the world? The throne is vacant. No masked singers wake up the night to make it come alive. And Connor Williams and his Implacables are winning without an opponent.
We're bitter. We're through. Give us a hero, Sunny Hill, or we might just have to pull the plug. You don't want that, do you?
Do you?
TBC