I hate small-talk and introductions but for this first day, I'll make an exception just for you! Have I charmed you yet?
I go by Adam. Just a regularly guy, I'd like to think. Although, you'll soon find out for yourself.
As for how to picture me? I'm tall, and somewhat tan, although average looking. I do have hair...although balding is surely in my future. This is coupled with my green eyes, and glasses that TOTALLY accentuate their charm by shrinking them.
I'm 25 and yet my only true long-lasting and driving purpose has been to live endlessly. To live and understand more about the world, to grow more, and to face inevitable struggles that time will allow me to accept and learn from.
I have a belief that time solves everything. It might not be able bring someone back to life but it can help you get over it. Heck, maybe if you live long enough and study life for eons, you COULD bring someone back. Or at least a version of them, maybe? Worst case, you could reprogram your brain.
Consider it foolish optimism and a blind trust in technology but I have high hopes for the future. Maybe even a future that doesn't involve my death. It seems to be an inevitable reality for those living in the 21st century but is this truly the case?
Anyways, the introductions end here! I could go on for ages but that wouldn't be fun, would it? See and judge for yourself! I hope you can also learn more about the world and yourself from my story.
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I woke up today at 6pm to demo a practical lab as I'm in my last term of college as a developer. I slept one hour past the alarm but figured class wasn't over so I used an NLP anchor where I touch my middle finger to my thumb to commit to the task, then sniffed my armpits and quickly changed my shirt, drove the car out of the garage, and rushed to class.
I spent months learning about NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) but I think the antics are bullshit for the most part. I believe that what it encompasses is quite vague and the claims of controlling others with a few finger snaps is ridiculous.
However, one aspect of NLP that I do believe in is anchoring. It's similar to Pavlov's dog where the neurologist Ivan Pavlov would ring a bell whenever he would feed his dogs. Eventually, ringing the bell would make the dogs salivate.
To replicate this, I used an NLP technique called anchoring. I programmed commitment into the anchor by making a solemn promise to myself to 100% commit to any action when touching my thumb to my middle finger.
Right before doing this, I would also focus on the feeling of determination. That tightening of the chest, the creasing of the forehead, and the emotional release from the acceptance to commit, regardless of any discomfort. I've never once failed on any commitment when using this anchor but before using it, I also have to accept the stress to not fail on a commitment made through the anchor, lest I ruin the only guaranteed tool to take action that I have.
Upon arriving to class over two hours late, thankfully the professor was still in the room. It's common for classes to end over an hour in advance so you could say that I got lucky. This demo was a presentation. I briefly reviewed my notes on the questions for the demo and then sat next to the professor and stumbled over my words as I tried to answer the marked questions.
Once I was marked off, I realized that it was only a pass or fail mark based on attendance and participation. I spent an hour or two preparing and somewhat overthinking regarding a negligible mark but it seems like I really over-did it this time. I'll probably forget those notes anyways.
On my drive back home, I noticed the gas tank was almost empty and felt a tinge of stress. The big orange light in front of me wasn't helping but I knew that I had the phone in case of an emergency. Thankfully, I made it to the gas station with gas to spare.
I never knew filling gas was such a stress-inducing process but it's probably because despite driving around for basic necessities, I've rarely ever filled the gas tank myself. Since I still live at home, I let my parents or siblings do it. More on them later.
It's probably selfish of me to pass on the responsibility to others, although to be fair, I don't drive too much. After two half-fills, multiple attempts, and almost forgetting to close the valve before driving off, I finally managed to mostly fill it. That was good enough for me.
At home, I briefly greeted my mother, then hurried to closed my room door, lights, and curtains. I then hopped on the bed, with the laptop facing my chest while lying down. I once read that a sedentary lifestyle is worse than smoking, yet staying in this comfortable position is a common occurrence for me.
I have some exams in the next couple of days but I didn't want to focus too much on those. I read through the latest manga releases and tried to find something interesting to past the time but I feel that I'm genuinely running out of content to escape with and fill this void.
There's a novel about Immortality that I've been reading on and off but I'm scared of fully committing and reading it. It's about a man living in the real world like me, who also want to live forever but unlike me, they're disciplined. I'd like to hold the fantasy that it holds some hidden knowledge that could help me reach my goal but I'm also burdened by the reality of this likely not being the case.
It doesn't help that lifespan research isn't looking to great right now. At best, I can prepare myself before the technological singularity and just hope. But is it really worth it to push myself for such a big "what if"? I struggle with this question on a regular basis.
Despite being 25, I currently have no job. Outside of classes, I should be applying regularly for a job since classes will be over in two months but I spent one month mustering the energy to update my resume, and it's almost been two months since the start of the term with no job applications sent yet. I'm in awe of my self-sabotage.
Out of boredom, against my better judgment, and despite a large assortment of tasks on my plate, I decided to go on a nostalgia trip. I opened up my old email account and explored my email messages sorted from oldest, dating back to my middle school to high school years. What I saw was traumatizing, and re-opened some old wounds that I never realized I had.
It seems that I used to struggle with understanding the social context of the world around me. Used to? That's a joke. Let's just say that I struggled worse then than I do now with understanding it. I couldn't pick up on non-verbal cues or realize when I was pushing a situation too far with my actions and this lead to serious backlash.
To compensate for the discomfort of this backlash, I would take more extreme measures by lying or making an effort to fabricate the image of myself online to recover my confidence by bragging and falsely over-inflating my worth. Since I couldn't pick up on how obvious my lies were, my actions would only serve to worsen my public image and make me a prime target for bullying.
Somehow, I managed to push through by focusing on my studies on and off but graduating with some of the best grades, and even as captain of a sports team by graduation time. A part of the façade to pretend that I didn't care what others though of me despite the rumors spreading and persisting all through middle school and high school.
I somehow managed push through despite the bullying even make some close friends, many more fake friends, and even having a couple of classmates crushing over me. Too bad I was too shy, feeling unworthy, and clueless to take it anywhere past a hang-out or first date.
Going over the messages of my past shattered the delusion I had regarding my rose-colored past. The hurtful words of classmates who have long grown and likely matured still caused distress despite thinking I would be over it. Each word poked at an insecurity that I had long thought I buried or still live with but passively accepted.
Although a rare occurrence, I cried for my younger self. Maybe I shouldn't have gone through my past. My body was cold. I was no longer in the mood to masturbate.
Sudden to mention? It's one of my other escapism habits. I've curbed it for months to a year, but I'd always go back to it. I don't think it's the act itself but rather the temporary escapism it provides followed by the temporary shielding of an uncomfortable reality that feeds the addiction.
While on this wave on nostalgia, I opened up an old nude I'd received after graduation and relieved myself despite not being in the mood. By performing such a shameless act, maybe I wanted to affirm to myself that I was deserving of the treatment. I just didn't like the feeling of viewing myself as a victim.
While resting, I found a few manga to address the discomfort I was feeling. I decided to go through them for a while and then call it a night. Well, it's practically morning.
Oh yeah, what have I contributed to my pursuit of immortality? Nothing yet. To be fair, it doesn't look to hopeful and I have whole host of pressing issues to deal with. But I want to make it happen.
Maybe if we have time in the future, I'll dive deeper into my stories with you. If we're lucky enough, then I have an eternity's worth of sharing left for you...as well, as eternity left of growing and healing.