"This must be a mistake, but it feels so real", said Thuli with tears pouring down her cheeks like a heavy rain with storm that cannot stop. She is staring at her personal computer looking at old pictures with a heavy heart. Suddenly, she decided to pick up her cellphone and dial the number at the bottom of her contact list, it is written 'Just in case'. "Hello is this Mandla, the therapist? I know I did not book any session, but I would like to talk", said Thuli.
Mandla's deep voice replied, "Yes let's talk, you know how I charge so how can I assist you?". " We met on the month of September 2018, he was with his friend and I with mine when we first met but I have known him as my crush for the past three months. He asked for my name and was surprised when he found out that I am not Pedi, that day was the first time I saw him smile and I liked him more. To be honest, at first I liked how he walks, how he likes talking and how he carries himself as a man iGrootman and there was this one time at the school's dining hall, he came to my table to greet us (me and my friend). Normally, when I see him my heart beats fast, I smiled and felt the urge to tell him that he was cute, truthfully his walk was cute, it is that of a true Zulu man and to my surprise he told me I was cute too and that was the most amazing thing I heard that day, I wished that my ears would not forget the waves that were converted into that sound.
Later that day he followed me and we had a chat outside my residence, it was dark and cold but my heart and body wanted to stay right there with him forever looking at his tiny pinkish lips move, unfortunately that thirty minutes in the cold darkness was the last time I saw this man.
February 2019, I came back to Witwatersrand University as a sophomore in Biological science class. I went to the lab to study, he came in this one lab I was using and asked me to tell him when I am leaving, I was so happy I could not wait to finish studying and tell this amazing person so that I can listen to him talking. When I was done, he followed me and we had a chat, he asked me out but his words were not that of a man asking a woman to be his girlfriend. He said he doesn't like dating virgins but I was one. Nonetheless, I liked him and convinced my widely awoke mind that he meant well hence we exchanged our cellphone numbers, he told me his name was Thani, a 4th year mining engineering student from a place called Leslie in Mpumalanga.
When I got to my room, I texted his phone and couldn't wait to have a chat with this guy, he normally responded late to my texts and he was too busy but one of this good days we decided to start dating. At this point I was happy that he decided to be my boyfriend, he even held my hand during the day when he came to take his lunch from me, I was so sure that he loved just like I did but still he responded late to my texts, never called and was always unavailable. I knew I was not happy with such behavior, but I loved him, I loved how he smiles too. We had a few great times, the ones I choose to remember like when he came to see me drunk so when he kept talking and laughing, my heart kept saying AMAZING!. On the 12th of April he took my virginity, I wanted him to be a part of me hence I agreed but he was emotionally unavailable such that I got use to it, I would worry about him, his health and well-being but not ask him even about his day because he did not care about any of those things I mean he does not even call to check on me, his lady and someone he confessed his love to but still I loved him and thought love was enough.
I would leave tons of work to see him and not regret it because I just saw a part of my soul. Yeah, funny is it? Then came the school holidays, all the students went home, I from KZN and him from Mpumalanga but he had a school tour, I tried reaching out, he told me he had network problems so we did not check up on each other that much but I loved him. So a few days before returning to school, he told me that we should break up because he failed one of his modules, I did not know how to react so I slept but when I woke up my heart was crying then I asked him to be patient and love me more, sadly he could not because his mind was made up so we did break up", said Thuli sobbing. "Oh Thuli, I am so sorry to hear that, where is he now?" Mandla replied.
Thuli continued, "when I got back to school, after a few days we got back together because I loved him and he chose to come back so we were fine and everything was back to normal, he still did not call my phone nor respond to my texts but I loved him more now. We dated and later on broke up, I was hurt and tried to show my pain by being silent, I would be quiet and pass him even when I do see him while my heart and body wanted to go and give him a hug I did not hence he said said he felt like we are forcing things so it is better to break up, I was hurt and broken but my heart was use to it now even though I could not let him go at least I too was able to pretend like I am fine. This happened during the month of September. Furthermore, I started drinking wine just to feel numb and escape the pain luckily I went home and for those months I deleted his numbers from my phone and stopped checking his social media and right there I healed and was ready to move on".
Mandla said, "Drink some water Thuli, hydrate since you are crying this much, I am afraid you will faint". "A few months later April 2020, during lock down he is now not a student but a coal miner in Mpumanga, he called my phone and I did not hear it ringing because I was driving and it was a bit late but when I got home I saw that I missed a call then I texted him to ask for his reason of calling, he told me that he still loved me and cannot see his future without me. He explained how he grew love for me and even asked me about my future plans so now I loved this guy and I still do, the fact that he is confessing his love now melted my heart so we got back together.
My heart just knew how to love him but still he did not call nor respond to my texts, so I was not happy, but I still loved him. I waited till I can get back to school so that I can be able to see him, he promised me and even said he cannot wait to see me and hug me so I was waiting for this big day when we will both meet up, hug and kiss and I loved his kisses too but when I came back he postponed our meeting. Right there! I was disappointed, I cried myself to sleep but he explained that there was an emergency at his work so he gave me another date and because I loved him I trusted him again but he did not text or call until I sent a message on his birthday August 8, I was singing and he sent emojis, but I loved him", Thuli murmured.
"Thuli, you are the strongest and most amazing woman I have ever met", Mandla replied. "I know right?, but on the 12th of September he said he thinks we should break up because of distance, we are just forcing things, this time I agreed and laughed. He did not know me, I am Nangothi, inkosazane yamanzi! what I see when I am asleep happens, I had told him that I saw him inside a car and it slipped into deep waters when I shouted and tried to stop the car from from drowning I couldn't because it got hidden and he kept on saying "ngisayobona uSamke" and this other old lady who spoke his language said I should let him be. CAMAGU GOGO!. I then dreamt of him telling me he is going to get married with a lady standing behind him when I woke up I asked him to pray and I told him to leave when he finds someone better who will make him happy but he was puzzled, he told me to chill and that he does not pray, mind you nginguNangothi wamanzi I see what the naked eye cannot see. I decided to get a bucket of water and pray for it for three days hoping that I can change whatever that has been decided by the ancestors but on the second day of my prayers the old Ndebele lady from my first dream came during the night, in the dream she pointed at the water I had prayed for and told me that the lady I saw last time has been with this man for some time now and she always asked him to leave me and lastly with a loud voice she said, "Bekamanzi Nangothi bekamanzi!". After that dream I made peace with leaving my ex-boyfriend, but I did not tell him until he told me he wanted to leave. Now what makes me cry is the fact that he never thought I deserved his phone calls or texts like the lady he settled with, I am not angry but I am more than this", cried Thuli and the phone call cuts, the phone battery died.
She sat herself down with tears still pouring on her face, she kept on talking alone.... "what is really love? Is it genuine or just a word full of empty promises?... This were the questions that filled her head when her heart was broken, she kept asking herself if he ever loved her or was he just passing time while he waits for his soulmate. But I loved him, why can't he see that? Why can't he accept that no one can ever love him like I do? And just settle down, have kids with me". At this stage she was deeply hurt, she just wanted him to stay. She wanted him to fight for their love!. " Can't you try and love me? Please stay and try your best".... But reality is we can never change the heart of a person who has already decided that they do not want to stay anymore.
What is love? Love is him. Love is waking up every morning and think about nothing but him. It is worrying, praying and just wishing that he gets the best of whatever is served, "God, just let him smile for the rest of his life" and that is love to me".
I JUST HOPE HE MADE THE BEST DECISION AND HE IS HAPPY! CAMAGU!
TO BE CONTINUED...