It was cold and dark when I secretly left the capital. Thanks to the full moon, I could just make out the dirt road I was walking along in the dim, blueish light.
I felt the biting cold already fighting its way through my clothes. After a short time I already began to tremble. It was unbearably cold. The damp air of late autumn didn't make it any better. It felt like icy cold fingers were trying to grab my bones.
I soon began to doubt my decision.
Would it perhaps have been wiser to spend the night here in an inn?
No, then my lead would almost be gone. Cain would soon notice my absence. Probably once he'd calmed down. He would immediately have everyone looking for me. I saw that in his eyes back then. His... obsession... made him do unspeakable things already. I didn't want to imagine what else he was capable of. I just wanted to get away from here quickly. So, with an iron will, I walked down the path that took me further away from the capital.
I was kind of scared. In the palace Cain hadn't been himself for a long time. Lately his alter ego has had the upper hand almost exclusively. In addition, I had no idea where to flee to. I was really a bit desperate and lost.
Was Ildrega really the best choice? According to Isayah, yes, but somehow I had a queasy feeling when I thought of Prince Leopold, who could be waiting for me there. I hadn't been able to see him in Isayah's vision back then. So I didn't know if he was still alive or if he was already dead. But I got the feeling that he was still alive. It would not be so easy to get rid of someone like Leopold. It took more to take him down than a Cain on a rampage.
Of course i would benefit if the problem with Leopold had simply resolved itself, but i better assumed the worst case scenario here. That would mean that Leopold survived Cain's attack and that he went back to Ildrega to prepare for a war with our kingdom, which Cain was probably only too happy to see, to settle the matter once and for all time to end.
As I sighed, a small white cloud rose in the freezing air. I stared up at the clear night sky with a bit of melancholy.
It would most likely end in a war, knowing the two of them. There would be no peaceful way to resolve this conflict. I just thought it was awful that innocent people who had nothing to do with it would most likely die as well.
Should I warn the people I'll meet on my way that a war was most likely to come? Or would that already leave a trail that Cain would use to chase me? Would the people here even believe me at all?
I didn't know it. In fact, I didn't know anything. Everything around me felt so strange and unfamiliar. Has it always been like this? I didn't know it. It felt wrong, yet right at the same time, to escape. Was I a bad person because I put my own happiness before that of others for once? Was it wrong that I was afraid of what was to come?
Sometimes I wish I was back in my old life. A lot of things were a lot easier there. But maybe it was just my brain gaslighting me to think that. People like to escape into daydreams or past happy events so that they could somehow endure the suffering of the moment. But maybe I was wrong. I didn't know.
'Your brain is only there to keep you alive, not to make you happy. That's why you're responsible for your own happiness', Joy used to say.
I thought she was right. Now more than any other moment of my life.
Damn, I miss her so much... Tears welled up in my eyes, but I blinked them away. Otherwise they would probably have frozen to my cheeks in the cold.
Normally I would have asked someone close to me for advice long ago. For example my mother. My mother could give good advice. Immediately tears came to my eyes again. I missed my mother so much too. She was always a bit strict, but she had always been there for me. And now... now I would never see her again...
A small sob escaped from my throat. My heart felt like it would burst at any moment.
In the silence and the cold I felt lonelier than ever...
Maybe it was better if I just gave up. Then I wouldn't be a burden anymore. For nobody.
Maybe that was the easiest solution after all...
No stress, no drama...just the silence and me...that sounded somehow more enticing than anything else in the world. I longed for a peace that could not be attained in this world. But... if I were … gone, I probably wouldn't care anyway...
My eyes fell on a barren tree near the path. It stood alone in the middle of a large meadow.
It was just as lonely as I was.
I stopped briefly.
Maybe I should lie down underneath it and just go to sleep. I probably wouldn't wake up tomorrow with the freezing temperatures.
I heard freezing to death isn't that bad. You just fall asleep after some time. That sounds so easy. It would probably go even faster if I didn't wear so many warm clothes.
I started to take off my clothes in a daze. My gaze was fixed on the tree in front of me.
It was so peaceful at the moment. Maybe I should just indulge in this deceptive feeling…