"I feel like I was just… put in a paralysis. By life, and my dad. Only trying to fight out… not knowing… normal," I say.
Varon just holds me gently. I feel his heart beat with mine, right here. Not knowing about right or wrong… I just let it flow.
"I just want to feel, you know? Something. Something different. Something less tense. Something… warm. Something more than just physical love. Something more than just the physical want, you know? I… don't want to just… it is not lust."
Varon just grasps me tighter now.
"Everywhere… people just seem to want to… fulfil lust. And I get it. I feel it too, the desires. And I hate it… because it feels so… belittling. Just wanting the skin with sin. Just that? I feel like… I want more. More than just that."
"Affection… the warmth?"
"Yes… if that even makes sense."
"It does."
"Can you please… tell about yourself? Anything… at all."
Varon thinks for a moment before starting. "I don't get it. The… physical needs as you say. Makes you vulnerable and… crazy. Like some… toxin. Like… it feels so wrong when you think about it."
"Feels too simple."
"Indeed. And I just feel… what if we could just hug each other, you know? Heal all the pain. Feel a little less pain."
"The urges are a toll… do you feel them?"
"I do… and I get blinded sometimes you know. With… Antonia. I feel… what if I just want her for her body?"
"She's your girlfriend. I think it is okay to… want to want her body."
"Yeah but… I'm afraid for it being a sole thought."
"Is it?"
"I don't know."
"Okay, well… you guys sure aren't virgins. I mean… won't lie but, I heard you guys… couple nights."
Varon doesn't say a word, even when I wait for him.
"Do you like it? Is it… all that you look forward to, with her?"
"Well… the thing is, I do… look forward to it. Imagine it sometimes. But… not the entire but, it can… form a blue on everything else, sometimes."
"Virgin here but… what part of it do you like? The way she makes you feel at it or the way you make her feel? Or the way you… can connect? Because I think… maybe it is a sort of understanding. The skin and the soul. But… some only care for the skin."
"And…" Varon says, calculating. "It is okay to want both? In the entirety?"
"I feel so. I think… with respect in that act… it might be a respectable act. If it's just for pleasure… it just doesn't seem right to me. It can lead a wrong turn."
"Can I ask a personal question?"
"We are on it here."
"True, then… do you… get the urge… and you know…"
I break the hug to look at him with a confused look… and he points downwards.
"Oh you mean… satisfy the needs… by myself?"
"Yeah."
"Do you?"
"More times than I hate to admit."
"Well… yeah, me too. It sometimes doesn't feel… enough."
"Feels like a parasite to me, yeah."
"So having a partner also doesn't remove it huh?"
"I guess so. Maybe it is something we just need to work on, by ourselves."
"True. But if the work is for the good… the work, the effort… is necessary."
"That… is right."
"Are your parents ok?" I blurt out, after stopping myself from asking if they're alive.
"I think… that's enough for today," Varon says and gets up. "We can have conversations, yeah. And grow together… as nations, you know."
"Sounds good."
"But I think as far as boundaries go… let's set one on the parent topic, ok?"
I just form a slight nod.
I always felt entitled. Having bad parents and having chosen the rebel life… but then, what was this person's case? Why was he more sensitive about it than me?
I couldn't digest it. I could only think about it, as deep as possible, even after Black-one was calmed down. I still was left with the question… as Black-one stared at me.
"What do you think it could be?" I ask him. "This really hurts my brain like that… ah, I don't even want to think about it."
Black-one whines and puts his face on the floor. I get down from the couch and pet his head.
"I always felt like the world revolved around me. My problem this, my problem that. Other people have problems too? Then why don't they…"
+
Be a villain like you? Join a cult organisation? Fight kidnapped people to show and build quite the strength? Try to kill the heroes for money, for building a bathtub? Kill your… okay, that one is a bit of a blur but… quite cruel.
Again, surely this ain't just a life lesson to me, author? Cause li-
+
If Varon had powers like me… would he?
***
"Okay, with all due respect," I hear… Rahma. Wait. "Can't this go any faster?"
"Does it bore you?" Varon… of the present, asks.
Ugh. Wait. What is this? No fucking way that I'm… actually in a paralysis.
But before I can try any further, as I lift my head, pictures move faster than I could make sense of them. As I slow myself down and concentrate… I see fire… as Season and Varon… they kiss… I see fire. Fire. Fire. Red sparks, shooting across the space around me.
"You feeling strong doing this?" I grit my teeth.
The red sparks move in a different way, controlling the space and shivering… the space breaks like glass and falls, but as it reaches me – some kind of a field pushes it away. My suit glows white.
"It's okay," I hear Tacy's voice. "It'll pass, bear with it. He says only you can."
"Yeah well…" I say and turn back. "Huh? Still here?"
"Does it bore you?" Varon asks.
"Yes… can we please not?" Rahma asks. This one… quite young. Ten maybe?
"Well…" Varon says and looks to his side, where Antonia subtly shakes her head in disagreement. "Okay."
And with a swoop Rahma disappears, and Antonia rushes this way.
"I don't think I can force her to train."
"I understand, but you have to train her eventually. It's been three days, with barely anything. And we can't have her for long."
"Yes but… I can't be throwing punches at a kid, you know?"
"Kid? She could beat up Adleon with one hand tied behind her back."
"Yeah I think that a guy dead for an year: shouldn't be hard to beat."
Antonia shakes her head. "You want me to punch the kid?"
"Aw… I liked you," Rahma says, appearing with a sword. "I'm really for a spar."
"Not with an axe…" Antonia says.
I push myself to Varon's side and see that Rahma is holding a large hammer in her hands.
"It won't cut. My teachers usually get used to it in a while."
Antonia pats Varon's back and I go into his POV- +
Rahma just stands there. Pretty confident, after all that. It was like it was a new her right now. The new which I didn't see the past two days. Quite scary honestly.
Her hammer feels bigger.
But then I feel… not much from her. She said she wouldn't cut me… I could feel her intentions. She really meant no harm.
But her face shining like that… what could that be?
"You can start," Rahma says.
I just awkwardly start running forward and she lifts her hammer.
Still nothing.
I push my fist as she pushes the hammer towards me. I could bear such a hammer… it felt smaller now.
Rahma backs away from me, and I just look up at her.
"Okay… not many. But quite nice. Let's get real, alright?" Rahma asks.
The girl pushes herself forward and jumps towards my chest. I hold her hand and lift her around in the air. She uses her feet on me and pushes herself back on the ground.
I see bear-like claws on her.
Ah… was she illusions or what?
I go forward as she tries to scratch towards me, and I let her scratch at my face… which leads to a claw-mark and some blood.
Rahma sizzles with concern. "Thought you'd dodge that. Sorry."
And this way, I hold the kid to the ground with one hand – as she taps out.
Antonia comes at me; glaring a bit.
"What, I thought she could beat Adleon?"
"You could too, at that age, I'd say. But would you fight yourself of that time, this way?"
"My blood's real."
"Right. Sorry about that. What if… you-know-who asks?"
I look sideways at Rahma. She just throws me a kind of bow and leaves.
"It… should be fine."
"Yeah… not that you're the only one who shows up with scars."
I just stare into the ground without saying a thing.
The lights to the apartment switch-on, and Toni jumps after finding me.
"You scared me," Toni throws a glare.
"It is past midnight."
"Party?"
"Remove your coat, Toni," I say, grabbing the first-aid kit.
"It kind of burns, please be gentle with it," Toni shivers, while revealing a cut near her armpit.
A lot of pained whimpers later, I finally turn to talk to her.
"You're lucky that isn't ON the armpit."
"Yeah, who even gets cut there?" Toni scoffs.
"It'd fucking suck… Toni. You hear me?"
"Fine. I do. Can we… not? I'm a little… sad."
"Won't tell what… but want to talk?"
"No… not yet. No. But could you make me those noodles?"
"It…" is past midnight. "Try searching for something interesting on the television."
She wouldn't even know if I followed her, and saw what hurt her. I could easily… I don't want to regret respecting her privacy when it gets too late.
But as I look over at her, trying to switch channels… I couldn't really see fear in her. The kind of fear that I see in Antonia's eyes… even when those are for me. Toni was just… so different. So brave… so mysterious.
Curiously mysterious.
Even in about a year's time… I couldn't put a grip on her. Not that I could understand anyone that much but… maybe I didn't try enough to find out about her. But I think… it is for the better… if she tells me herself, than me finding out.
Someday the mystery would be known… of what makes Toni… Toni.
---
(Speed) Pack fact 4:-
Let's talk about Rem… her name is derived from 'rem sleep'. Loosely, there are two cycles: rem and non-rem. Rapid eye moment… basically, the more time rem perceives… the clearer she can perceive time. Every once in a while, she gets faster. So she is a goddess on the matters of speed. Then what stops her from being the strongest? Well… non-rem sleep. Her powers increase for a while, and fall back later, but fleetingly. Maybe if she could keep running forever and ever, keep perceiving time or something along those lines… but everyone has limits in the end. Yet on the other hand, I do question… why is it Einya, and not Rem, if Rem is so strong? Surely the present Rem, of Einya's time… she should have so much experience… she could easily be a lot more faster than anyone in the (Speed) Pack. Why isn't she even a part of the team? Einya didn't even mention that Rem is dead or anything so… why?
See you next chapter!