March, 2004
The razor swirled swiftly around his cheeks, taking the murky beard away, and the blood dropped into the faucet, Autumn was on the door and it had been a wasted month for him, the white page was still there, and the memories of his mother laid still with Winnie's, "House of sad memories," he had delegated Anna to the hospital but it was already too late, 'Medicine Overdose' he looked through the glassy window, and could hear the bright hum of traffic carrying the commuters to their works, A month had been passed but the sweaty face of his mother was still stuck on his head. "Go and write dear," the last words of her was there down to the intonation under these beige walls, "I'm trying, mother," the sunlight awash the floor, through the window and he had to have problems, "I hated her," he sat down against the bright screen, "But I still miss her," he had an idea for his book, "A bourgeois guy trying to find love," but wasn't able to pour his thoughts, his aspirations seemed so trivial now, "I'm all alone now," the grimly sunlight was shimmering in his front porch, and then the ring bell, "Alright," he rose and began to walk, "Feels good to be distracted," before walking to the door, he peaked to Anna's room, the flaunting room stayed the same and the dull light shimmering onto the floor, "Harp?" the grandfather clock kept ticking just like usual, "Harper, don't worry," He slowly walked inside, dull aroma of her was still lounging around, "Don't worry Harper, soon you'll be with me once again," the door bell rang again and he got his conscious back, "I'm coming," he left the room behind. "You're not here, you're dead," The sunlight glinted in his face as he opened the door, "Hello son, how are you?" Cordelia said, a long time best friend of Anna, "I'm alright, it sucks but I'm trying my best to keep myself okay," he said in a carefully modulated voice as empty of expression as his white page. Her hands were filled with big box, "Can I come in?" her eyes were meticulously red, "Was she crying?" and her fingers were slender. "Yes, sure," she walked inside, with her pale box on her hands, "This one's for you," he took the box, she had taken a scrupulous care of the box. "What is it?" He asked, she gave agitated smile, "It's some pictures of your mother," she said, "She wanted me to give these to you whenever she dies, I guess it's the time," the tears had crowded her eyes and her hands were shaking, he pondered, "I don't want this," he had wanted to forget her, "But I can't refuse," she had an messy coif and her voice was cracked. "Have a seat," the eeriness was there in her, "I have to go," she said, "I've some promises to fulfil," fear infused in her voice, she walked to the door and the sunlight fell on her feet, "I still see her," she said when the door swished shut in front of him, "What?" he opened the door but she had become a speck to his eyes, "Guess I'll ask her later, I could have heard something else," he stepped into his house and was alone in this narrow hallway once again. "You really think you can live without me? Harper?" He walked through the hallway and went to his room where the bright screen was waiting for him, he placed the box on the bed and sat on the chair, "Okay, so how do I start?" soon the silence permeates the widened room and his long breaths lounged through kissing those walls, the sound of a clock was seeping inside his ears and the smile of Anna flickered in his eyes, "If you leave then I'll never be able to see you, my son," he splayed his fingers on the keyboard, "Stop!"
"You know you belong here in this house and so do I," his finger undulated with the rhythm of Anna's voice, "I don't fucking care!"
"Come with me son, I love you and I miss you here, it's so dark without you," He could imagine Winnie there with Anna, "Is it really dark there? I want Winnie,"
"No son, it's not dark if you're here, and Winnie's waiting for you too," the evening was still bright outside, and then his fingers that ran swift on the keyboard, this time with more annoyance, "No, you're lying again, just like you always do!"
"No dear, I'm not lying," the tears streaked his pale cheeks. "Come with me and see for yourself,"
"Stop it!" the screen glass shattered and the blood dropped from his hand, he had punched the laptop screen and felt instant gratification and knew he would regret it later, he sat there silently, watching the clock, minutes passing by, "What have I done?" he stared at his blood, it was meticulously red and the wound was wide opened, "There's something wrong with me," he rose and went out of the room, "I've to move on from here, this house is killing me," he poured water on the wound, "It hurts," the bright sun would soon change and it would be the lonely night once again, he applied the bandage and hobbled to his room. He looked through the room and the incongruous box caught his eyes, the dim sunlight shimmering onto the window and the sun was a speck in the slope of the road, he walked to the bed and picked up the box, "I kept my promise Anna," a scrawny sentence was engraved on it, he opened the box, a snazzy dressed white woman was in the pictures, her belly swallowed and a grinning smile on her face, "It's my mother," he surveyed bunch of pictures and then a paper was laid down under all those photos, "A letter?" He took out, "My dear son, if you're reading this then it means that I am already dead, I'm sure that you'll miss me for sure and if not then my guess is I've done something bad to you so I'm sorry if I did something bad and I want you to know that I love you, you're the only thing left of your father, I miss him every day and I love him too, I know you hadn't got a chance to meet your father but I want you to know he was so excited when he found out that I'm pregnant, he loved you too my son, you're four years old when I'm writing this letter but at least I hope that when you're reading this you're at least forty years old that means I've spent long enough to be satisfied, I hope you'll take care of yourself, I just want you to know that I love you." He murmured the words and the tears poured on the paper, "Why?" the tattered box was empty and he was stifling the scream, "Why did she have to give it to me?" he could still imagine the acrid of Anna, and could imagine when she was writing it, sitting on a chair, 'Her favorite chair,' clenching her small fingers around the pen and writing alone in her room, her handwriting was exquisite like the exquisite fluidity of running water, "Why'd you gave a promise to her to give these to me?" he slowly shut the box and rose, He had burnt every picture of Anna but her face was still vivid and now he had those pictures with him. He scrambled to the washroom and washed his face, the briskly water was cold, "I've to get out of this house!" he walked out, the dim light of a subdued world glinted in his eyes and then he took out his phone and dialed Jayden, "Hi Jayden," he said, fear had already tumbled in him but he tried to hide it in his voice, "So you begin to write?"
"No, not right now, listen I need to ask a favor from you,"
"What favor?"
"I need to get away from here,"
"Why?"
"Because, I can't write in here, this house's killing me, you want me to write? Then please arrange a cabin for myself in some place solitude so that I can write," there was a weird silence between them and then Jayden gasped, "I don't know what you're talking about but I can arrange a nice cabin for you if it means that you'll start writing again," a luminous smile jutted on his face, "Thank You," he said, "So can I move today?"
"I'll send you the location and then you can move your ass there tomorrow."
"Okay, alright."
He moved the last mahogany closet to a truck, the clouds had hovered the sun and the exquisite wind was there, he was wearing a fuchsia shirt Winnie had made it for him, he still remembered the day, the sunlight glimmering on her face as she sat down near the window, and had a shirt on her hands and was waiting for him, the floor awash with the sunlight as the door open and swished shut behind him, he walked inside to the room, "Took you so long to come," she said, a strand of hair stuck on her lips, her hands behind her, hiding the shirt, "I was with my friends, so is something wrong? Why'd you called me and asked me to come here fast?" intrigued was there in his voice, "I've something for you," she said, "Perhaps a gift," a smile on her face, so serene and wrinkled, "What is it? Tell me," she slowly took her petite hands in front and let the shirt visible, "I've made it for you," he stood there, watching the sharpness of bright sunlight flattening on her and then watching her, her cheery demeanor and the gratifyingly smile of her, "Come on, take it," he took the shirt and surveyed it, "How is it? It's not good, I know," she said, defiant, the sunlight was attractive on her face, "It's... it's perfect," the gratifyingly smile returned on her, and then he lay down, resting his head on her lap, "You know how much this shirt means to me now?" he said and then placed his hand on her belly, "I'll wear this shirt when this bastard comes out of you." He stood there in the emptied room permeated with uttered silence and the dim light falling on him and he could imagine the sweet aroma of Winnie. "Look Winnie, I'm wearing the shirt you gave me, nothing has changed and yet nothing is same anymore, I wanted to wear this when our baby come into this house and it still the same just the difference is I'm going out and I'll never return here, I'll never forget you Winnie, I love you forever," the tears crowded his eyes, and he left the room, utterly sad and his heart was screaming, he had wanted to go away from this house but now he felt inertia rather than energy and stood silently in the door, "I don't wanna go away now." Anna's face was lounging in his eyes now and he had wanted everything to go the same it was, he quickly turned around and dashed to his room, the sadness was more vivid than ever in him, "Am I doing the right thing?" he took out his mother's box. Ridiculous, an idea he was loathing but couldn't quell his feelings, he left the room with the box on his hand and threw it onto the truck, "Is that all?"
"Ah yes, that's it,"
"Alright boss,"
"You guys know the location?"
"Yes, we know the roads and everything."
"Good." He said as he nod and went to his car and drove away leaving the house full of saddened memories behind
In road, he had hoped for the accident to happen but the roads were almost silent and ominously ordinary. Too much time had passed and it was only two hours before the dark, his all stuffs were inside the cabin and there were breeze roaming outside. He had already began to feel like he was consigned by Jayden here, "It was my idea to move on, isn't it?" he walked to the front porch, the green surrounding his cabin was so vibrant and peaceful, the lake kept radiating the bright crisp breeze. The tattered wasp nest hung up empty, glinting with the dim sunlight passing through the leaves. He tucked his hands on his pockets and the dappled sunlight was evident on the lake, "The world's so mysterious," he thought of all the mysterious things concealed under these grasses and lakes, "There could be a dead body here," But at least he was no more encumbered by those memories, It's so peaceful," impulsively, he leaned down and touched the cold water and sat down. "I hope my loneliness won't be killing me now." The next morning the bright light shimmering on his eyes and then he woke up and looked outside, there were no commuters, no loudly traffic, only the breeze so serene and instinctive. He had called Jayden last night about his safety arrival here. The world seemed shifting and good now rather than volatile, "Its scary," but yet dismayed was there in his thoughts, "How can the world change so fast, so it was really that house." It was really 10 and then he rose. "What should I eat for breakfast?" the lake was still a gorgeous one to watch and the greens were so relaxing. He turned his gaze to the kitchen, it was maculate with the stuffs. "Fuck it," there were no neighbors, just him and his thoughts with the gorgeous lake and vibrant greens. "I'm going out to eat." But the city was almost 20 minutes drive but he had to go there, he went out and felt the aroma and the sweet breeze and then walked to his car. Car was hot with the summer's sunlight, "I've to park it somewhere." He drove the car to the lonely roads, an ordinary road for a country side. He could imagine everything in his mind when Jayden had told him about the place, "It's the same as I thought," the soft breeze seeped inside through the window, "It's so peaceful and calm." The sky was brightly blue and then he noticed a diner. 'Our favorite Crispy Diner.' He took a turn towards the diner. "Fuck it, who cares about names?" he parked his car and went out. He checked his pockets without hope and found he had left his wallet behind but at least he had his card. "What if they do not accept the cards?" he pushed the door with a faintly darkish color, and then waddled inside. There was no one besides him and a couple. A waitress took his order, a cup of coffee. The bright lit aisles was silent and then the shouting of a man permeated the diner, it was the same couple. "I don't care about your bullshit excuses, you never trust me!" the sunlight glinted on the back of her short black hair and then he heard her soft bewitching voice, "Oh baby, I'm sorry but how was I supposed to know?"