Whoever I am, let me be no more... This unspoken prayer simmers beneath my skin, festering like a sore. I've become all but a slave to this sentiment, really. I can't bear this existence any longer.
Whatever I am, may I be as fleeting as a rush of autumn air.
It is my twenty-third day of sitting in the First Chamber of Worship at Rushing Water Temple, but I have yet to develop a sense of self, nor do I intend to. The Holy Man who found me, High Priest Agmito, comes by every day to check on me, and he brings me humble bowls of food.
For twenty three days and nights, I reject his kindness, choosing to survive on the infrequent and unfulfilling capture of small bugs instead. It is not nearly enough to sustain me. My mind cannot reconcile that it does not belong in this place and I, this newly awakened being, will have to endure mortality all over again instead of roaming the gates of the afterlife.
I would rather die of malnutrition.
Visions of another life harass me everyday, but that is not what the High Priest worries over when he comes to see me. I am in chains; this isn't something anyone would ever expect to see at a temple. It is my choice to wear them, though. Waking up and sleeping on the cold, hard floor is all I seem to do, and then I rinse and repeat, having to perpetuate this maddening ruse of livelihood.
If this is reincarnation, than I do not want it. In fact, I don't deserve it. This is not my world. Do I wish that I could leave it, though? Yes. It has taken me three weeks to realize that I am merely just a leaf blowing in the wind, carried by the forces of nature... and thinking that I have any choice of direction in my life is pure delusion.
The babbling pond situated around the First Chamber of Worship smears the edges of my vision, painting arcs of cerulean blue wherever I turn. What an idyllic place, I muse to myself. I'm the only thing that doesn't belong here; and my mutterings of grievance seem to surround me in listless echoes.
Any hope I have of this life being a dream has already slipped from my grasp, each breath one of unwilling defiance on my part, until all I can do is drag these rattling chains behind me while I peruse the round chamber of the temple. This sentence of seclusion is an act of my own making, but trapped as I am, escaping from this chamber doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.
Once again, I cast judgement onto myself and go back to kneeling at the altar in the middle of the room. I glance up, my eyes seeking contact with a statue of the patron god of this temple, and for some inexplicable reason, the way it looks down at me fills me with a sense of animosity, his unmoving face one of righteous intent.
On the twenty-fourth day, Agmito and the other inhabitants of the temple come to visit me as well, their discolored robes filling up the entryway like a family portrait.
"Child. Are you alright?" Agmito asks.
My soul is not the soul that belongs in this body. This, I know for a fact. The body I occupy may be a child's one, but it is not my own and that is why I must vacate it. The memories that still dwell in it are all fogged over; I can hear the original owner's voice blasting through them, making me sure that I am the invasive species.
I am... the imposter.
Kind, weathered hands reach for my little, scarred ones, drawing me away from the altar. I've been kneeling here for most of my time. Praying for an answer to fall from the sky? No. But maybe hoping for some semblance of peace within myself as I wither away at the temple.
The woman holding my hands is a groundskeeper, but she is utterly welcome here, and a very bright presence here at Rushing Water temple. The others here are drawn to her spark, I can tell by the way they lean towards her.
I can only assume that she wants to reassure me that everything is alright. "You don't need to be afraid of us, little one." This middle-aged beauty exudes a motherly aura that I don't find threatening, so I nod, encouraged by her open expression.
"I am not afraid." My first words spoken in this body, ever, cut the air like a rusty blade and surprises everyone.
Agmito approaches slowly, brown eyes blinking proudly at the woman. Relief and a mixture of positive emotions swirl peek beneath the broadness of his smile as he beckons to himself and the other worshippers behind him.
To me, he quietly intones, "We are the humble communicants of the great god Demalrak. As I've explained to you before, this is our home, the Rushing Water Temple. We found you in critical condition down by the temple steps. Do you know who you are, child?"
I've carried no truths with me since waking up, but I willingly surrender to the knowledge that I am a person without a body. A homeless soul, that is what I am. But to have a name is to have something of my own, an intangible belonging that only Death can see fit to tear away.
Do I dare to tell him that the one thing that is quintessential to a person's identity is the very thing that I lack? My chest expands while a trickle of anxiety starts to announce itself in my mind.
My head shakes and my lips part, more words longing to be shaped and uttered. Fortunately, the groundskeeper is able to divine my thoughts and straight away, she tucks a finger under my chin.
"Worry not, girl. Names can be given. It is the soul that's important in a person."
Agmito notices the way I flinch, as if struck. "Totoya, please. I think our guest is a little tired. Let us give her some space."
Totoya, this red-headed whirlwind of empathetic energy doesn't budge from her position. Instead, she decides that I've been cooped up in the First Chamber of Worship for too long.
"Agmito. Look at this girl! Not another day in this chamber, do you hear me? Some sunshine and fresh air is in order, I believe it will help her."
Some of the other temple worshippers are laughing at the no-nonsense tone of her voice, and I have to commend her for the way she gives orders to the High Priest. Agmito doesn't protest in the least, but rather looks to me for permission in this request.
I am unfathomably warmed by the amount of consideration shown by these people... But I am not the owner of this body. Are they showing such formidable kindness towards me, the soul inside who is peering out in helpless surrender, or the baby-faced girl that they can see?
I decide that I don't want to know. I follow Agmito and Totoya out of the First Chamber of Worship, heading down a set of porcelain steps and admiring the lush grounds of Rushing Water Temple. There are similarly sized buildings set up around us, other chambers that I have not explored and have no intention to... I don't exactly remember how I got here, but I'm sure I would have remembered such breath-taking architecture.
As we walk in an organized line, a mystical creature lopes onto the paths ahead of us, startling me into a crouch. We're in a secluded courtyard and the hulking form in my way is undeniably equestrian in nature, its pallor iridescent under the creamy sunlight. As mesmerized as I am, caution breaks through my wonder and I glance warily in Agmito's direction.
The High Priest has to carefully pry off the hands of his fellow devotees who are now emerging from the First Chamber of Worship; and startled as they all are, the bizarre notion of chasing away such a creature hasn't even crossed their thoughts - instead, they clutch at the High Priest in admiration over the sight of this creature.
They appear to be thanking Demalrak for sending this mystical creation to them, like it's some sort of symbol of great fortune. Slightly appeased, I straighten up from my crouch and take stock of the four-legged creature that's now bowing its head at us.
Totoya gasps. "Oh, my dear. Do you know what this creature is? It is a Thrinskar. They are the divine companions of the gods. They do not reveal themselves to just anyone."
A Thrinskar? I stare at the opalescent eyes of this divine beast and feel a stirring within my bones and chest. I can tell this Thrinskar bears me no ill-will, but to dismiss the staggering waves of power that pulse from it would be utterly foolish.
"Is it... safe to touch it?" I rasp.
"I believe it is a male Thrinskar, and yes. If it wanted to harm us, it would have."
As I get close to the magnificent creature, I notice the temple-goers all go still, their mouths widened in pronounced astonishment. Brushing away their reactions, I give my attention to the creature when it pokes its head into my shoulder, making me swallow with unease.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm a newly awakened soul, after all. Does he perhaps sense that something about me is off? Will it trample me to death? Panic sets in and I stutter to myself, looking into its eyes that seem to gleam like dazzling opals, but to my surprise... it doesn't strike me or do anything malicious.
Agmito's voice eventually reaches me from where he stands, "Child, I feel this Thrinskar has been looking for a Demi-Urgaen to serve and has picked you. To ignore this blessing would be to invite bad omens into Rushing Water Temple."
I've been bombarded with questions ever since I woke up inside this child's body. Has my soul been misplaced? Do I no longer have a body at all? I am presented with nothing conclusive; only more questions to my problems.
But right now, I can feel a connection with this Thrinskar. A beckoning. Is it meant for me or this girl who I've become, though? I grit my teeth and side-eye the beast, walking around it with growing curiosity, and I dare to place a hand upon its sleek midsection.
The tail is outlandishly long and appears to be an extension of the body, curling upward in a feline manner. Docile indeed.
"What is a Demi-Urgaen?" I ask aloud.
My hand drifts everywhere within reach, petting the beast. Somehow, I can feel its contentment at being touched by me. It may just be my imagination but the Thrinskar sounds like its purring.
Totoya attempts to approach us, but that's when the divine beast whips around and narrows its opalescent eyes. "Well. I guess it's decided, then. We can't approach unless you bond with him, Demi-Urgaen."
"What do you mean?"
"The Thrinskar has taken a liking to you. It will now treat you as its master. All other beings will be seen as instigators of aggression and perversions, that is, unless you tell him otherwise. To do that, you must bond with the Thrinskar."
Oh, my. I have no right to claim him. This Thrinskar is too majestic to be bonded with a homeless soul like me. I can only gulp with longing, my face slowly descending into his mint-toned mane.
It's like a cloud. An irrevocably fluffy texture.
So... incredibly... wonderful.
"You are a mystery to us all, child." Agmito murmurs.
Peeling myself away from the Thrinskar momentarily, I respond, "I may not know who I am, or what a Demi-Urgaen is, but I do know this reverent creature deserves someone much better than I am."
"As Demalrak wills it, so shall it be. You are meant to be the bonded one to this Thrinskar, and he your companion... Child, do you know that in the Forgotten Tongue of the gods language, 'demi' loosely means 'half of' and the word 'urgaen' is roughly translated to 'a wandering soul'? So when you put it all together, a Demi-Urgaen is someone who is half of a soul. Supposedly, of course."
His explanation is met with a brief bout of stunted silence and I dip my hand back into the Thrinskar's mane for support. If they happen to read my flushed face as mortification, then they don't declare it, thank goodness. I'm beginning to realize that I'm the only one who shrinks at the thought of my transparency.
"Agmito, I have something to confess." I say, just before I take a deep, composing breath.
Totoya smiles, but gestures weakly to the stand-offish creature at my side. "My dear, we will listen without judgement, but first we must ask that you bond to the Thrinskar. They take protection of their masters very seriously. If you are in agreement, please give it a name."
I want to bond with him. Should I? But I don't belong here, in this world that I've emerged into. The world I've left behind probably no longer exists... And this crushing sadness that I have all of a sudden pinpricks my heart, making me sigh, but just as I lower my head, the Thrinskar changes its position and snaps one leg out, kicking the back of my knees.
"Oomph!"
This damn... 'divine creature' just upended me from behind?!
My brain is still trying to catch up with the fact that I'm now lying down on the ground and this cheeky Thrinskar, minty mane and all, is leaning down and nuzzling me while he purrs. I'm too shocked to speak at first, but then a spark of outrage straightens my back.
I sit up and clasp the Thrinskar's face with both hands. Our eyes connect, and I instantly feel like my body is being thrown into a hurricane despite the fact that we're not moving at all.
His eyes are eerie and wondrous, staring deep into my own with a trust that I have not yet earned. A strange, green cord snaps into existence from between his stunning eyes and slowly, but surely... it begins to attach itself to the place between my eyebrows.
I suck in a breath at the images flooding my mind. What is this that I'm viewing exactly? A world that isn't my world. Hundreds of faces. No, it might even be thousands. An empire somewhere. A citadel that begs for absolution. Magic and fire are engraved in every image, along with a sense of needing to find something.
Or... Is this sense of urgency compelling me to find a person, perhaps? All I know is that the images flitter and distort through my mind, nearly giving me a headache.
This Thrinskar has been searching for a Demi-Urgaen to serve for a long time. But why me? I try to touch the cord between us, but it vanishes.
'Master, it is I, your faithful servant.' A male voice that is vastly different to anything I've ever heard before enters my head.
In my head, I respond with the same volume of someone talking aloud. 'But how? I have not yet named you.'
'Naming a Thrinskar straight away is a bonding ritual for the Demi-Urgaens who have low spiritual energy. I sense that is not the case for you. We were able to bond without the ritual, master.'
I get up, confusion settling in my bones just as fast as his words had. I reply to him, although not quite as demurely as before, 'Is there a reason why you knocked me on my back?'
'Yes, master. You were taking too long to decide on whether to bond with me.'
A laugh finds its way out of me. My first laugh that I've allowed to escape from these lips. The inhabitants of the Rushing Water Temple are obviously curious about what we're doing, or why I haven't spoken in so long, and I feel like I have to enlighten them.
"Totoya and Agmito. It appears I have bonded with the Thrinskar without having to name him." I tell them.
Admiring eyes graze the form of my new divine companion. He drifts around me, as firm as an oak tree and just as permissive. When asked whether they can touch him, I look to him for an agreeable response, but he merely relays that the answer to that question is entirely dependant on me.
'If master says it is okay, than it is okay.' The Thrinskar says.
'Can you decide for yourself? Have some sense of autonomy, please.'
'Master, I hereby declare that you should decide for me.'
Rolling my eyes, I nod and tell the devotees of the temple that they can touch him carefully. As the patting show begins, Agmito comes over to me and says, "Well done. You couldn't have asked for a better Thrinskar. He is an Enlightened Thrinskar. You can tell by the Marks of Cultivation along his tail. The marks show how old a divine companion is."
Twenty-four days into my new life, and I have somehow attained a bond with an Enlightened Thrinskar. This is not what I've been expecting. Do I dare to believe that this is the will of fate, not some hellish trickery that I'll soon wake up from?
"Agmito, I don't have a name." I finally tell him, "I have not named the Thrinskar either because I am afraid he doesn't technically belong to me... A wondering soul... That is what I am, truthfully."
"Thank you for opening up to me. Totoya and I have felt this conflict within you for a while. Demi-Urgaens are, for lack of a better word, 'otherworldly'. When I was a youth, I used to read scriptures about trickster gods who liked to steal the souls of people from different dimensions."
"Trickster gods? Did the scriptures mention anything about what happened to the souls after being transported to other dimensions?"
"To be honest, the origins of Demi-Urgaens are still, to this day, a mystery to us all. However, there is a text in one of our Nexus Tomes that alludes to the phenomenon of reaping souls from another dimension; this heavenly act of the gods is referred to as a Divine Punishment. When I found you, I had a hunch that you might have been one of those souls... All of this is purely theoretical, of course."
So that's what this is. Divine Punishment.
My questions and my conclusions balled up into a mess of words that arrow straight into my heart. I lose any ability to be stoic and rattle out a breath. My Thrinskar perks up, swivels its head to look at me, as though feeling my jangled nerves.