BLAKE
I am full of rage, bitter rage. Words are swimming around my head, like angry sharks, they keeping ramming into my skull creating a mild pressure headache. They are demanding to get out, to be heard. They want to fight for me. I am always like this though. I feel a fire burning inside of me, a fire of anger that tries to spill over and flow like hot lava. To char everything and everyone, myself included! But there is the soft version of me that keeps me as calm as water in a deep well. I feel dangerous, fragile like a ticking bomb, one tap from exploding and flattening everything. To create a vacuum so big that eerie silence becomes deafening. I can't believe how I left things with everyone at Eve's place but I couldn't stomach being yelled at, taking all the blame when we were all adults capable of making our own decisions. I kind of felt like how my mother would blame me, a child for my step-father's indiscretions. I was a kid but I had to carry the full weight of a grown man's decision to do those things to me. How my mother sided with him has never sat right with me. It angers me more that I still crave my mother's approval, her opinion of me matters the most to me but she still chooses to berate me any chance she gets. I want her opinion of me never to matter since I know better but I can't get past her being my mother and being important that she accepts me as her beautiful, capable daughter. Someone she can be proud of. Fuck emotions!
I just want to forget the events of last night and compose myself. I can't afford to lose focus on maintaining the upper hand. I do not want to fall prey to people's unpredictable patterns. It will only worsen my insecurities. Should I move again and start over? Have I become too invested in my friends and job here? I feel my pulse elevate and I have to stop thinking or I won't stop the panic attacks that seem to never end. I need a distraction or should I say a dickraction? I pick my phone and dial my fuck buddy. Where is this idiot? I texted him ages ago. His phone pings but it's not his voice I hear at the other end.
"Hello, John's phone, John can not come to the phone at this moment, he is currently indisposed. How can I help? I am Jamal." I am not surprised by the formal greetings since this is John's work line but Jamal's voice knocks the wind out of my ovaries. He sounds so sexy, I almost reached down to masturbate to his voice. Maybe I still might later. You must have noticed by now how sexually charged I am, once, my therapist told me since I was exposed to sexual activity at such an early age, I am a sexual deviant in that I have a high sex drive. Thank goodness I didn't turn into one of those other extremely dysfunctional groups. Sex drive I can handle just fine, Being whipped and peed on, maybe not.(I hear it's mad fun though)
"Hello?" Jamal's voice reminds me that I haven't spoken. "Umm, sorry, it's fine. I was just looking for some fun, tell him to call me back when he can." I try to sound sweet and darling for him to like my voice but I am sure I sounded like a dying cat. As I move to hang up, his voice feels the speakers again. My stomach does a backflip! What the hell! "Orrrrrrr, I can be your 'some fun'….. I could also use some fun and company." I do a double-take. Did I just hear him right? He wants to hang out with me? Due to my lack of better judgment, loose morals and curiosity I agree without much hesitation. I immediately text him my address and dart into the shower. John gets here in ten minutes so will this Jamal guy. I brush my teeth and change into barely-there shorts, half my ass is sticking out, and a tank top. I spray myself with my most pricey cologne, order in some food and liquor, and settle into my sofa watching 'Shameless' for the twentieth time. I try to calm my nerves, I am so nervous to meet this stranger, something that is so unlike me. Maybe I won't find him cute and I will end up feeling stupid. Why did I agree to such a spontaneous meet? Arrrgh! Fuck me! I need to cancel this misjudged meet-up. As I reach for my phone, a knock at my door startles me, causing me to drop my phone under my palette table.
My heart is in my mouth, I feel my heartbeat drumming against my eardrum and my palms are sweaty. As I walk towards my metal framed door, I notice my legs feel weaker than usual. I reach out for the handle and my arm is trembling. Adrenaline is the only thing in my circulation, I feel dizzy. I open the door expecting a guy standing on the other side looking corky but instead I am met by a wide toothy smile from my delivery guy. "Sasa mrembo," he greets me with so much enthusiasm I can't fail to smile back and feel glad to see him. Enthusiasm is indeed infectious! I take my order without replying to his greetings and I walk back in to get the cash. I place the food on my kitchen counter and do a mini-run to my bedroom to get my purse. I hate making people impatient, not that this guy seems to mind being here. I always tip him extremely well. For what I lack in sentiment, I compensate with my cold hard cash. "Na leo you have come haraka," I say as I walk towards the door fishing out the money to pay him.
The minute I look up, I drop my purse hitting my little toe, ouch! Standing beside my delivery guy is this god in human form. He has the good-looking features of Apollo but the body of the war god Ares. I hope he has the sexual appetite of Zeus and I his Aphrodite if we are maintaining the whole greek gods' theme. It's his eyes that draw me in. They are grey but with a hint of black and very deep-set. He has a natural smolder but when he smiles he turns into a cute soft guy. Seeing as though I won't invite him in, he invites himself in with that smile of his. That is Jamal? Wow! His voice is nothing compared to the person and I am glad I have some questionable morals. The delivery man takes his money, shakes his head, and whispers to me, "Kwani yule mwingine alienda wapi?", he remains rooted to my door's threshold and I realize I have to give him an answer, "Alienda ng'ambo."
That answer seems to put an end to his nosiness. I close the door behind me and walk towards my new pal. I swallow hard as I watch the back of his beanie head sticking out of my sofa. He is watching something on my TV and he seems so at home and relaxed. It is like he has been here before and I can't shake the pit feeling in my stomach. I am so nervous and I hate it. I quietly dash into my bedroom and change into a pair of baggy sweat pants and a 'rolling stones' hoody. I don't know what I was thinking wear seductively.
Since I prefer hushed tones and dim lights, my whole apartment lives in dullness and soft-tone furniture. It is like I furnished my entire apartment for sexapades. The first thought you get when you enter my home is, 'I could have sex in that seat, or that bean bag or that everything'. I have a fuck pad for a home and that didn't seem to bother me until now. A sudden need to impress Jamal wears me like a cheap suit but I put on my bitchy, I-don't-care face and place my clenched ass next to Mr. hot cheeks. I lick my lips and adjust my position thrice in five minutes, stealing glances at him. He remains calm and his eyes fixed on the show on the screen. He doesn't acknowledge my fidgeting nor looks my way. I pull the arm ends of my hoody over my palms and hide my legs under me. I clear my throat and struggle to get comfortable, I take the demeanor of a scared little girl and I chew on my bottom lips hoping to calm the storm that is inside me.
"Will you relax? I don't bite.. plus John said you are a bad bitch, after seeing your pathetic display just now, I strongly disagree." There is that voice again. Yum! But his way of speaking to me pisses me off. Who the hell does he think he is. "Well, can we both agree that you are one ugly cunt?" I fire back hoping to live up to my bad bitch status. The son of a gun laughs! He laughs at me and I remain wide-eyed. Who is this man? I am not myself around him.
"I know John is just your fuck buddy, but I didn't come here to fuck if that's what you are so worried about….but if that's what you want I am game." He says and for the first time looks at me. He doesn't seem like a person with bad intentions, his look doesn't try to assert dominance over me. His look makes me feel bare and exposed like he can see right through my bullshit and fake bravery. I feel overwhelmed by what that single look does to me. It is like my body is reacting to him in ways I don't want to or have control over, and it's not about how attractive he is, there is something more and I can not put my finger on it. It is like finding someone who has been lost to you for ages, it is like I knew him in another world before this one. If you believe in that kind of thing. He clears his throat and focuses on the screen again when he realizes I'm not going to respond. Also, he speaks so formally, what is the deal with that? I will figure that out later, right now I need some much-needed release. "Since you brought it up, I am game too." I attempt to sound as composed as possible but I cringe from how wrong my voice sounds. I surmise alcohol would help in this situation but running to the kitchen to get it would only make things more awkward and tense. He slowly turns towards me like an action figure toy in a horror movie, moves closer to me, making the leather scream. He looks into my eyes, licks his lips, traces his forefinger along my cheek, and asks, "If you are game to screw, why did you change into these oversized clothes?"
After he is finished talking I let out a breath of air I hadn't realized I was holding in. Why is he affecting me so much? I can't even think straight and I never lack a witty response to anything. Currently, I am tongue-tied and lost in this man's eyes. I see him smile, leaning closer to me, and I automatically close my eyes and part my lips waiting to be kissed. I wait a few seconds but the kiss doesn't land. However, I can feel his breath on my cheeks. It is warm and minty, I feel his body's heat enveloping me and he does smell heavenly. I want to open my eyes but I am afraid that I will find that I am only dreaming. I hate what I am feeling right now but I have never felt this alive and unhindered before. I want to surrender totally to this man I barely know. I want to tell him everything and fall into his arms and cry myself dry. Also, I want to feel his body and sweat on me, his weight pressed upon me, opening up my body like a flower bloom in the morning. I want to open myself up to him as a Venus flower unfolds itself to attract its prey. I feel him trace a finger on my lip and capture my right ear lobe between his finger and thumb.
"Open your eyes, I don't even know your real name, let's begin there." He withdraws his everything from me and I feel naked and cold. My eyes fly open.
What just happened? I think I got whiplash from the sudden change of mood. I curl myself on the sofa and hug myself tightly because I feel confused and thrilled all at once. I look at him and he is still looking at me, expecting something from me. What does he want now? I manage to maintain eye contact as my ass sweats bucketloads. If I were butt-naked on this leather, I would probably slide off it with the rate I am sweating. "Your name?" he repeats peeved. He must think I am so stupid. "I am Blake, people sometimes call me B." I hurriedly get through that sentence.
"Blake who? People have at least two names." He converses still maintaining eye contact. "Blake Taylor," I respond.
"What an unusual name. It sounds like you are a guy." He comments cocking his head to one side. Oooh! He wants an explanation, I will not cave in that easily into indulging my whole history when I don't know him. Regaining myself from the jaws of nervousness and anxiety I smile for the first time since he arrived. I watch him sit up straight and evade my stare. That's right Zeus, my turn to make you sweat.
With my confidence back, I speak with my normal voice, "Blake also sounds like Ryan Reynolds wife, so there is that too: but before I overshare, please share with me, Blake Taylor, Jamal's at least two names." Okay, I do sound a little sarcastic. He runs his fingers along the sides of his mouth where his immaculate beard lines, like all men with beards do, smiles and answers my question, "I am Jamal Ali, and no, I am not a Muslim," he holds out his arm stopping me from asking or commenting and he continues, "I too have an unusual name and I would like to kiss you now." This bastard! He is smooth and so full of himself and I can't but giggle and blush. These are the signs of a woman who is fucked! School girl giggles make common sense leave your body quicker than light.
I lick my lips as an invite, he grabs my cheeks with both his large hands and leans in for a kiss. Before our lips can touch, there is a knock on my door which causes Jamal Ali to drop his arms and sit squarely perpendicular to me...…..Aarrgh! I will never get laid today at this excruxiately slow pace.
I get up from my comfortable seat and annoyedly walk towards my door. Before I turn the handle I hear voices from the other end of my door and I recognize them. It's Vinny, Eve and Marcus. What in the hell are they doing here now? I am tempted to let them knock until they assume I am not home but I know that trick wouldn't work on Eve or Vinny for that matter, they both have keys to my home and they may decide to let themselves in just to prove a point. I clear my voice instinctively, I am so turned on right now and I am so guilty that they may notice the blush on my face. I know dark people don't blush with rosy cheeks but it doesn't mean we don't feel embarrassed all the same. I swing my door open with a pissed-off look on my face. But no one notices, they practically fall into my apartment. "Why is your purse on the floor? Did you throw it at someone?" Eve asks as she bends over to pick it up. I ignore that question for two reasons: I know exactly why my purse is on the floor and I wouldn't want Jamal to know why that purse is on the floor. It is his fault that my hands forgot their purpose because of his god-like features. They all stop short when they notice Jamal's head, and throw questioning looks my way. I roll my eyes and smile at the fact that Jamal doesn't turn around to greet them. He is committed to remaining mysterious and I like that about him. He likes playing games and I love making life a game.
In the abrupt silence, Vinny looks at me and raises his left eyebrow at me, he acts like my big brother when in fact we are the same age. I really don't understand why he is always so protective of me. I like it though,,,, no one has ever stood up or looked out for me and I appreciate his concern for my safety. I walk forward shoving Marcus out of the way who in turn shoves me back. I swat his head and leap forward before he lands a punch on me. Smiling at my little victory and swift moves, I introduce Jamal, "Guys, this is my new friend, Jamal." On cue, he turns his head and looks at the guys, he then stands up and the room suddenly feels smaller. He is not a mammoth but his presence inspires dominance and power. To my shock, both Vinny and Marcus shout, "Big man, what are you doing here?" it's surreal to hear dudes speak simultaneously. Casually, they fist-bump, shoulder-bump, and whatever else boys do in the name of greetings. I stand frozen in place and temperature owing to the fact that these idiots know each other. What a small world! Eve is rooted to the same spot when Jamal turned around, her mouth partially open and her eyes sparkling with mesmerization. That's right girl, that was my same reaction to him and I don't feel so bad that he affected me that much, he stimulates such reactions from all ladies. He is like The Christain Grey, unable to repel women without trying. "Blake! What happened to John?" Vinny asks, clearly aware that Jamal is my booty call. I dart my eyes to Jamal, feeling nervous. Vinny dislikes my casual sex lifestyle, he has made it abundantly clear how dangerous and self-loathing that behavior is despite multiple people normalizing the culture. He always says, 'Look how miserable Marcus always is, sure he has beautiful women wrapped around him almost every night but he is not really satisfied, he is happy but he has a gap in his life that meaningless sex can't feel no matter how easy and good it feels. Please do not aim to be like him B; there is so much more in having someone to call your own other than pain and disappointment.'
Sensing my mortified state, Jamal answers for me, "John was busy when she called and he asked me to come and keep her company, and I didn't know girls are funny until I met this one here." He winks at me as he says that and I smile. My stomach drops to my feet and butterflies erupt in its place and fill my abdomen with sensations I have only read in books. Wow! I must have his guy!
Eve clears her throat and extends her hand to greet Jamal. He pulls her into an embrace instead and I swear I see her pressing her boobs against him. Vinny is still holding a hard stare my way, apparently, Jamal's response didn't charm him as well as it did both Eve and me. Marcus drops on the sofa and asks for the remote. He is always so chill and unbothered with life. I bet someone would be dead next to him and he wouldn't notice it until someone else pointed it out for him. I challenge Vin and hold his stare. What is his problem? He just slept with his girlfriend's best friend and refused to come clean, and on top of that threw me under the bus for his decisions. He is the least expected to be judgemental but he is judging me. I watch as Eve gets charmed just as I was by Jamal and direct Vinny to the kitchen, I need to know what his problem is. I also want to know why Neema didn't come, is she still pissed at me? Will she ever believe anything else I tell her? Is this friendship beginning to fall apart?
As we briskly walk towards the kitchen, Eve gives me a thumbs up and a slight rocking motion in regards to Jamal when he turns to take a seat. I wink back and disappear into the kitchen with Mr. Judgy McJudge man over here. "What's your problem?" I ask as I move to unpack the food I brought in earlier. Thank heavens, I had ordered a family pack so I will feed the newcomers without worry. Vinny moves to find glasses for the drink he has been holding and also the one I had. "I thought you were done with the casual hook-ups?" he asks accusingly with a hint of disappointment. I am a little taken back by his concern for me, I feel a warm feeling bubble up in my chest and I think this is what real love feels like. Someone looking out for your safety and well-being without having any benefit for themselves. That is what I lacked with my mum and I suddenly wish I knew my real father, maybe he would have loved me unconditionally and accepted and protected me as I needed. I think Vinny notices my reaction because he adds in a low voice, "I'm sorry I didn't protect you from Neema, but I will explain everything to her at the right time. It wasn't right to break her heart in front of all of us. Let her calm down then I will take the blame, she is still pretty pissed that's why she didn't come."
"So you will tell her you slept with her best friend?" I ask that specific question to know for sure what he means by taking the blame himself. I turn to warm the food in the microwave and as soon as the humming sound feels the kitchen I turn back around to hear his reply. From the look on his face I can tell taking the blame doesn't mean telling the truth and I am immediately disappointed but I need to hear what he has to say. "Why won't you tell Neema the truth? You clearly want to be with Eve and you guys haven't had sex yet, it won't hurt her as much as it hurts the rest of us, fornicators." I try to reason with him.
"It is not that simple B," he throws his hands in frustration, "I can not explain why but, I don't think telling Neema the truth is the best thing to do. I will just sneak around with Eve for now."
"To what end Vin? To what end will sneaking around take you? Cheating is a selfish and hurtful thing to do. The minute you start rationalizing and debating about your choices you know something is terribly wrong. By agreeing to be in a relationship, you commit yourself to the other person fully but when you choose to step out of that commitment at your convenience, it just makes things ugly for the other person. Neema doesn't deserve to have you sneaking around on her, and especially with her best friend. When you decided to commit to her, you took up the responsibility, to be honest, and truthful to her even when the truth paints you evil." I smile at the word evil, I can't imagine Vin being anything but a sweetheart, after all, he is the 'nice guy'. He smiles too but I can see the inner conflict on his face. I continue talking when the ping of the microwave feels our ears.
"I know it's hard but be truthful and don't hold on to her and waste her time waiting on something you are not into anymore. You can leave the 'you slept with her best friend' part and sneak around then without stringing Neema along. At least, you won't be making a fool out of her in front of me, especially when she finds out I knew, she will hate me more than she will both of you, so please make a decision knowing, I am also going to get affected by it and all outcomes can only be negative but you can control the blowback." He doesn't say anything but he nods. We serve in silence but before we go out with the food he holds me back, "You should also stop casually hooking up with these guys B, you also deserve someone who respects you enough and loves you more than a three-second climax feeling. You are much more deserving than that."
"Thanks for the self-esteem boost Vin, I know what you mean, I think I will stop but this Jamal is really getting under my skin even though I have known him for only a second. I don't think I could manage to be only fuck buddies with him even if I tried. So if I get started things with him, it will only be with him, I promise." I reassure him and I can't help but feel our friendship growing into something special. I need someone with who I can share my story and not feel obligated by sexual responsibilities. I need someone who can be my family, my safe space and Vinny is proving to be filling that spot effortlessly. I am grateful. Too bad he is a guy because that will have people misjudging us all the time but it will be okay. I feel like I can see into the future and Vinny will be in my forever portrait as the one person who accepted me for me without asking for anything in return especially since I am a girl with a sensual outlook. Not bragging tho, don't hate!!
"Are you sure, he is not getting under your skin because he is like the hottest person on earth?" Vinny mocks me with an honest smile. He adds, " I saw Eve drooling too, he does that to most women but he is the most chill guy I know, he is decent like me (he points at himself like a silly kid claiming a prize, I roll my eyes). If you could score that, I would be very proud of you and happy for you."
"How exactly do you guys know him anyway?" I ask obviously curious. "Oh, we used to go to school together, he was the cool one, and Marcus and I were the dorks but I feel we turned out okay," he jokes. I laugh.
"If you guys have already hitted off and I think you have with his, the funniest girl I know comment, I believe it will not be a total waste of time for either of you." We walk out with the food and drinks and serve the rest. I find myself hoping and wishing that Vinny is right and I do end up dating Jamal, I would really love to be in a relationship. I have been alone and lonely for so long. It would be nice to have something special I can call mine. I sit next to Jamal and he playfully bumps my side and smiles while taking a huge bite of his food. I bump into him too but feel something wet in my pants. I shoot up and run to the bathroom. Fuck! Let it not be what I am thinking. I pray futile prayers since I find that I just got my period. Great! It explains a lot! The crazy idea of kissing Eve and setting off a crazier chain of events and the horniness I have been having. I always do crazy things when I am almost on my period. I blame the surge of hormones for my bad decisions!!
I remove my already soiled underwear and throw it in my bathroom panty laundry basket. I will wash it immediately after my guests leave. I hear them laughing and talking animatedly and I am glad to have friends. I reach over my cabinet and pull out a tampon and put it in place. When I feel comfortable enough I dress up and wash my hands ready to join the fun.
Before I leave my washroom, I hear a light rapid knock on the door, and before I can get over the confusion of why anyone would knock, Jamal's head pops into the room. I move over to let him in. "Hey" he greets me as he walks in and sandwiches me between the sink and himself. I smile and look up at him. "What are you doing?" I ask in a whisper with a small smile on my lips. I am smiling an awful lot today and I can feel my cheeks hurt from all the strained muscles. He doesn't answer me but bends over and kisses me oh so lightly. Like a feather touching my lips, he glazes his tongue on my upper lip and captures my lips immediately after his tongue finishes its route. He kisses me deeply with his tongue fighting to occupy my mouth. He tastes like whiskey and spice. I let him kiss me a little while before I kiss him back. I wrap my hands around his soft beanie until I pull it off to unleash a huge wave of unruly jet-black hair. What does this guy lack? He is perfect. But then again, the moment you have feelings for someone, they become perfect. I find myself praying that Jamal falls in love with me because I think I have already fallen for him and it's not because he is attractive. It is much more than that. We break away from our amazing kiss and he rests his forehead on mine. Our breath becomes one as we breathe in each other's air. I feel complete and it makes me uncomfortable. How can I love someone who I barely know? I disgust myself, am I feeling like this because he is so unbelievably sexy and hot? Am I that superficial?
"Hey, I know we can't do any more than that kiss today but I think it's for the best, it will give me something to look forward to on our next meet." He says that and kisses my forehead. He lets me go and backs away. In an attempt to hide how affected I am by our proximity I make a lame joke, "that's not the only thing that would prevent us from doing more. I just got my period." I expect him to cringe and walk away or something typical but he winks at me and says, "That wouldn't stop me but I would hate our first time to limit me from licking you anywhere I want." He picks up his beanie and walks out of the bathroom leaving me stunned and bothered with my hands on my chest. I can feel my heart pumping hard trying to break my rib cage to leach onto Jamal and beat to his rhythm and melody alone.
Oh My! I am in trouble now!