Hailey White: 18 years old, no siblings, no friends predating highschool, no close family members.
Verdict: She, Hailey White, has never experienced love.
Or so she tells me– but I can't fight the feeling that she may have.
I have a feeling that she may be hiding something from me.
Reason A: Yesterday at school, when asked by Emma if she had a crush, she blushed intensely and denied any notion of experiencing love in her life.
Reason B: While she says she has never had any experience, she is very mature when it comes to giving advice. Something that must come with experience.
Reason C: She told me in private away from Emma that she did in fact have a crush. Someone that she refused to disclose.
Now class! Where does that bring me to today? On the third of December 2022, Hailey White sent me a text message asking if I wanted to hang out with her after school and go to her house. She refused to disclose any information beyond that.
Now, for most guys– they'd be stoked to be invited by such a cute girl. But for me… I felt a sense of uneasiness.
Well, this may not seem out of the ordinary considering I go to her house and read once a week, but this is actually much different than the usual invitation. This one was said in an odd manner of speech— one more resembling Emma than Hailey— and it also was littered with emojis.
All signs were pointing to this being an at home date.
And I was really fucking nervous.
* * *
So the time has come.
As I stood outside the school— following Hailey's instructions— I got really cold. My hands were incredibly chilly and I could see my breath in front of my face. If it were to rain, it would definitely turn to snow. The air was dry, it left a sharp pain when you breathed in too hard. I waited and waited and waited and eventually Hailey came out, dressed as warm as ever and she apologized for being so late. It was only about 15 minutes after school ended, but I'm a pretty impatient person, so it felt like forever. I had been counting the people passing me. I got a total of 100 people, but I'm sure I missed a lot of people, and that I was not the first person outside. I figured that as my results– the count– didn't line up with the size of even a tenth of the student body that I had to have missed quite a lot, even if I don't include the people who are at their clubs.
Speaking of clubs, I have been attending art club at least 3 times a week. My therapist says it's good to find a creative outlet. I don't know all about that, but recently I've started a big project. It's a large painting. It's something new. I typically don't paint, only watercolor and charcoal– but I've got a good feeling about this. I really hope she turns out well.
When we arrived at her house, she let me in like usual, but this time, she took off her winter blouse. Usually whenever I come over, she leaves her entire uniform on other than her shoes. If she wasn't already in loungewear, she never really bothered to change.
She led me to her living room, another difference than usual– we were no longer going to be in her room.
"Nate, what do you want to watch?" She took off her glasses and her eyes narrowed on me.
She was awfully cute when she tried– even when she wasn't.
"Erm… We're at your house. You can pick, I'm fine with whatever."
"Alright."
She scrolled through the NerdFlix menu, and selected the romance genre. She looked for a movie and selected it. I was too overwhelmed to understand what was going on– let alone care about what movie she was putting on.
Now that I think about it, this isn't too out of the ordinary for her. She always is indirect about what she says. She always enjoys making us watch or read romance. She even gives me advice— granted, she doesn't know I like Emma. I will tell her… that I like Emma. It's just… Embarrassing. Y'know? Like it's something I really want to say, but I know it's something that I might get hurt from if I say it.
Life is funny like that. Sometimes, there are things you just gotta say— like y'gotta go to the bathroom, or the nurse. But there are some things that are really hard to say, like confessing, or telling someone who you plan on confessing to. I wonder if everyone who's ever liked someone felt like this. I mean, who wouldn't be worried and be afraid of rejection. Or that the person they are telling– their friend– says they have no chance.
That would hurt like hell.
I think I'm better adapted to failure though—
Failure and Rejection.
As I've lived these last few months, I've been reflecting. Looking back on my terrible middle school confession. Looking back at my first experience with Emma. I even looked at the bad things, like that night in the car. But no matter how much I reflect, I cannot lose the feeling that there's more that I could be doing. That's why I started that painting. An abstract portrait. A flurry of colors and emotion. I'm going to lay it all out, right for everyone to see. And hopefully she sees it. She'll know. She's gotta.
"Nate… what music do you like?"
"Me… I couldn't pin it to a single genre or artist."
"Alright… then say some artists you've been listening to lately."
I pull out my phone and check my Spotify account.
"It looks like I've been listening to quite a bit of The Smiths, The Cure, Clash, and Radiohead."
"I can't believe you said that to a girl— whatever."
What!
Do kids these days not like rock?
Wait, WHY AM I TALKING LIKE AN OLD MAN! I'm the same age as her!
"Well, how about you Hailey?"
"I don't know, I really like Alt. Rock. Indie is really good too."
"Indie? Like Clairo and Mitski?"
"Uh… sure…"
Am I out of touch?!
"Okay… Since you're indecisive on music, what's your favorite movie?"
"Off the top of the dome? Joker 2019. It's not the best, but it's an absolutely amazing film."
"I like that one too. Joaquin Phoenix did an amazing job."
"How about you Hailey?"
"My favorite movie is probably… Eighth Grade."
"I hear it's good. I've never seen it though."
"It is quite good. Very relatable…"
She started to fade out of talking and look at me. She sort of just stared at me, but not in a creepy way. It was how you'd look at someone if you were really interested in them. It was almost like how I look at Emma… just a little bit.
"Hey… Nate." She was starting to stammer and mess up her words.
"Yeah?"
"Do you… like anyone?"
"No! I mean… gosh…"
"Oh, you don't?"
"... Sure."
She smiled a bit. Hearing that seemed to give her courage.
She went upstairs quickly and came down in a different set of clothes. Her hair was down, out of the normal ponytail and it hung over her shoulders. She had removed her glasses, and she had changed her shirt, replacing the white button down with a loose fitting sweater. Her skirt remained, along with her tights, and she came back onto the couch with me.
Her sweater hung over her shoulder a little bit. You could see her bra and shoulder. I had to shake myself to regain focus. Emma. Please forgive me!
"Hailey…"
"Yes Nate?"
"Erm… I don't know how to say this… I can sort of see your ugh… strap."
"Is it bothering you?"
"No… it's just that, y'know… I am a teenage boy finishing puberty. What if I were to get the wrong idea?"
"Well, what idea would you be getting wrong?"
"Well… nothing— it's just you shouldn't let people other than your boyfriend see that. It can make guys think stuff that isn't true."
"Well… I don't have a boyfriend."
"Oh…"
"Nate… You said you don't like anyone, yes?"
"Erm… yeah?"
"Well… I'm not just anyone…"
"What are you saying…?"
"Why don't you try liking me?"
She leaned over toward me, and at this point, I could see down her shirt. I felt like I was violating her. I need to stop her.
She got on top of me, as I had practically laid down as I leaned away and she sat on my lower section. She rested her hands on my shoulders, with her face inches from my face, maybe a foot.
"What are you doing Hailey?"
"Nate, I… I like you. A lot."
"I mean, I like you too Hailey but…"
"But what!" She yelled uncharacteristically, "Why are you treating me like I'm a kid? I'm a woman just like Emma! Look at me!"
She laid on top of me, pressing her chest into mine.
"Hailey… calm down."
"I am calm Nate."
She grabbed my hand and put my hand on her chest to feel her heartbeat.
"Hailey… do you know what you're saying?"
"Of course I do! I'm saying I like you!"
"Hailey…" I couldn't help but feel a sense of pity and sadness. That made me hate myself. Pitying her, what gives me the right.
I had been averting my gave from her chest as she kept them close to me.
"Look at me! Touch me! Why won't you look at me…" She started to tear up a little bit.
"... I can't…"
"Am I disgusting to you?!"
"No Hailey… you know that's not why."
"Then why!"
"I can't keep you like this…"
"WHAT!"
"Hailey… the truth is… I lied. I do like someone…"
"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT? It's so obvious how you drool over Emma every day… you can't get enough of her! You spend every day thinking about her- don't try to tell me you don't! " I winced. "Even when you're with me…" She pounded on my chest and started to break down.
"Hailey…"
"Why couldn't it be me…?"
"..."
"What's so special about her…"
"Hailey… there's tons of great things about you too…"
"Shut up."
"I like both of you, but I like Emma romantically."
"Shut up!"
"I'm sorry Em-"
She flared up, and jumped off of me. Her face was red with anger and embarrassment, an awful shade.
"Wait!"
How stupid could I be…
Hailey ran out of her house and down the road. I grabbed my uniform coat on the way out.
Why did I say Emma's name…
She turned the corner.
SHE'S RUNNING TO THE BRIDGE!
I picked up my pace, honing any and all past PE experience I've attained in these last 12 years of school.
"Hailey, wait!"
"No… No… No…!"
"She reached the bridge and climbed onto the railing, as I stopped behind her, I made sure I was careful of my step.
It was snowing, not the type that is light and fluffy, the type that is wet, slippery and almost rain. The thin flakes would melt upon impact with any surface, only the air was cold enough to hold them.
"Hailey… I'm sorry… I shouldn't have kept it from you… I led you on—"
"I knew…" She interrupted me. "Y'know, I always knew. Since the day I met you, the way you looked at her… that's the way you look at someone you love. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong to fall for you, it would only end in a rejection— but man does this hurt more than I thought it would. I can only blame myself, for being stupid– naive enough to fall for a guy I knew was already in love."
"L-love?"
She stood on top of the railing, her long blonde hair flowed in the wind under the bright winter moon. Only the water beneath and the sky ahead could be seen. There were no cars. No noise. Just us. Two teenagers on a bridge. One across from the other.
"God you really are stupid."
"..."
"Nate… You're in love with Emma. It's apparent to anyone who sees you. You're sick to the stomach with love."
I didn't know… everyone knew?
What if…
I was so horrible to her.
"Hailey… it must've hurt—"
"Don't you damn pity me!"
"I can't be in love with you, Hailey."
I thought to myself. Remembering everything that happened since August. Remembering the woman that changed my life.
"Hailey! I can't be with you! I like Emma."
"WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT! I already know… goddamn it."
"YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS HAILEY!"
"SHUT UP!"
"Throughout everything, I've always been by Emma's side and I didn't realize it at first but -"
"SHUT UP!"
"- Through all of our experiences and time spent together, I realized that my feelings weren't the same way I felt for you. They were deeper, richer, they were a feeling that could only be described as love."
"WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!!" She was crying, tears streamed down her face and mixed with the snow.
"Hailey. I can't choose you, but I want you to pick me. Come with me, and I won't let you hurt anymore."
"THAT CAN'T BE TRUE! HOW CAN YOU REJECT ME AND STILL-" her voice broke and she wiped her tears. She grabbed the railing and almost slipped. "AHHH!!"
"HAILEY!"
I sprinted up to her and held out a hand.
"Come with me Hailey. Please."
"I- but, I'll just be a nuisance. I'll get in the way of you and Emma…"
"Hailey."
"What?"
"I love you."
She looked at me with a teary eyed expression.
I continue, "I love you, but as a friend. I apologize, but please, stay with me."
"You're so selfish…"
"You're right. I am selfish. I want it all- friends, family, love, popularity, status- but no matter what. I will get what I want. What I want right now, is to save you."
"But…"
I pulled her off the railing and we fell to the ground while I hugged her. She cried on my shoulder as I patted her on the head, comforting her.
"Nick…"
"What is it?"
"You'll be there for me right?"
"Yep."
"You won't leave me?"
"Yep."
"You won't be disappointed in me?"
"Nope."
She wept and grabbed my coat. She was shivering like a scared dog.
"C'mon, let's go."
"Alright."
I grabbed her hand and we walked back to my house after I gave her my coat.
* * *
I apologized to Hailey and left her to think after talking to her mom who called when we got back to her house. On the walk home, I thought about what happened.
Love huh…
I never realized until now… but that must be what this is.
It's not like with Carly… this is different.
I wanna see Emma…
I wanna see her right now.
I looked at my white breath floating through the air, it was colder. The snow that was landing on the ground was finally sticking.
Winter has finally come.
Emma.
I wanna see Emma.
Huff… Huff… Huff…
Before I knew it, I was at Emma's doorstep.