The moment had come. I packed up my bag and started to head out the door and right next to the door waiting for me was Carly. She stood there in our middle school uniform. She looked so pretty even though she's been at school all day and wasn't wearing makeup. The way her hair flowed over her shirt and skirt moved as she walked made my head spin in circles. I clapped my face, "Keep it together!" I thought.
"So Carly... What did you want to do?"
"Uhm, I am not really sure. I wanted to sort of just walk around town, maybe go to some shops."
As she said all of that her eyes sort of wandered around the room as she fiddled her fingers. It almost seemed like she was nervous, or a little embarrassed. At that moment I took a moment to look away from her and realized what we looked like. Two middle school students, walking by themselves after school into town. One a boy and the other a gorgeous girl. Oh my god. Oh my god. Fuck. Fuck! I'm so nervous! My head spun in circles as I tried to keep listening to everything Carly was saying.
"Yeah, and then after that I was thinking maybe you could drop me off at my house––" She stopped for a second to look at me, "Hey, anyone home up there? Your eyes look blank, and your face is red."
I came back to my senses, "Oh! Yeah sorry, I got a little distracted."
"Jeez space case. Can you at least pay attention to what I'm saying?"
"Sorry, sorry. Why don't you just tell me right before we do them okay?"
She sighed a little bit, "Yeah, that's fine." For a moment she looked down and almost had that same sad look as that day. 5 days ago, when she walked into my house. Her eyes looked sparkly and watery at the same time. She rubbed her eyes and looked at me with a smile. "Ooo! This is gonna be so fun!"
"So which store are we hitting first now that we are downtown?"
"Let's hit up Barrys and Nordel! I hear the manga all got restocked last night. Oh my god! Speaking of manga, the other day I was reading this manga called 'Your Super School'. It's so good. The premise is that there is this world where everyone is a superhero–– well they all have superpowers–– and basically, like the main character whose name is... uhm, Baku? Yeah! Yeah! His name was Baku, and he is the only person without superpowers so he gets bullied by his friends and classmates and teachers and…"
I looked at Carly as she carefully attempted to explain the premise of this manga and looked my best to look like I was listening. In actuality, I couldn't really hear what she was saying, I was so nervous. My face was red, and I couldn't get any words out right now. I loved when she was like this. She always got so absorbed in the things she loved. She was such an amazing person. Good at school. Good at making friends. Good with teachers. Good with kids. She was good at everything. Whenever I think of that, I am reminded of how insignificant I really am. I don't hold a candle to Carly. To think that I could ever be loved by someone who is perfect in every way. Yeah right. Get out of here with that bullshit. You weren't worth anything. If Carly was a Lottery Winning 10 million dollar prize, you were the penny left in the parking lot of an abandoned MacDornalds. You should just stop trying there's no possible way that anyone would be okay with you standing next to her side. You ugly, useless, stupid––
"HEY!! Are you listening?"
"Yeah, you were saying something about an entrance exam where they had to fight robots?"
"Good! You were listening. Well, sorry. Next time Say something or at least look at me! You've been a total space case all day. Every time I've seen you, you're looking off in the distance or even when you look at something your eyes seem vacant. Like there's nothing behind that set of brown eyes."
"I'm sorry, I just feel like... You know, ever since that day at my house, I felt like you'd be mad at me for something. Like I had hurt you in some way... or something you know."
Carly looked at me with serious eyes. Her gaze was cold, but also incredibly soft.
"Now why would I be mad at you? I didn't even hear anything you said. If you want to tell me you can, but if not it's fine. It doesn't bother me, okay? Just stop being so damn gloomy!! I wanted to do this so we can both be happy. You're my best friend, you know that."
"Haha, yeah. I know..."
Best Friend, huh. Well, I guess that seals it. I'll finish doing whatever she wants me to do today, and then I'm gonna start to go. I mean, what girl would want to spend all this time on a date with a boy they don't even like. Who was I kidding? A girl like her? She'd never like me, not in a million years or if pigs could fly. You're not good enough.
The night continued on and as expected, and I had a great time. Even with the sad feeling looming over me at every stop. Every second Carly was perfect. She turned at me, and smiled as we left the restaurant. A smile so bright it could light up a nation. After that, we went to Barrys and Nordel and got some manga, got coffee at the local shop, even went into a clothing store where she picked out outfits for me to try on, unsurprisingly I didn't like any of them. She tried on some clothes and man! did they look great. I ended up buying her a nice dress–– around knee length, with a purple trim, loose neck, and thin straps on the arms. It was topped with a purple overcoat of fabric and dashes of white throughout resembling snow, or maybe ash, falling from a volcano. I only ended up getting a hat which she bought me since I had treated her to both dinner and the dress.
Later that evening we started to take a walk near the water. The big lake in our town wasn't specifically amazing, but it was a dazzling sight in the night. As we walked along the ridge, I carried our bags and walked alongside Carly. She talked about her day, and I listened intently. As she went on, the uneasy and sad feeling that had previously floated above me like a cloud drifted away like a cloud of smoke. Her words melted my soul, leaving me like a glob of man, malleable and under the control of this dream girl. We came up on a part of the lake Carly wanted to take me to. As we entered the wooded area of the lake, we were shaded by the large oak and surrounded by the thick trunks that diverted the winds. We both took a seat for a little and looked out at the water and for only a second, she accidentally put her hand on mine. She apologized and then turned at me with a sense of conviction in her eyes.
"Hey, can I ask you something?"
"O––of course you can," I respond shakily
"Well... I just wanted to know... what are your plans for the future? You know... like High school and maybe even beyond that in college." She said with a flush in her face, almost making her look as if she was embarrassed asking such a simple question.
"A––ah. Well, that's an interesting question. I'm thinking of going to Central. I hear they have a good club selection, and the teachers are all good–– they also say there are a lot of pretty girls there..."
"What was that last part? I didn't really get that," She looked at me puzzled but I gave no response, "Whatever... well, I was thinking of maybe going to North..."
As she said that, my heart dropped a little bit. "North? Why? That's 15 minutes further than central from our houses. Plus, we'd be apart"
"Well, I was thinking that since it has a better art program that I'd try it out. If I really don't like it they said I can always transfer to central since the acceptance rate is high and it's the closest to me. I'd have to take the bus every morning and after school until I can drive on my own, but I don't mind waking up a little earlier. I really think it's a good option."
As she said all of this, a million things raced through my head. Art? Does she mean her music? Yeah that's gotta be it. The bus? She's never gonna wake up in time. What's the point in going to a place so far away anyway. During all of this Carly kept saying things about North High and finally asked me my opinion.
"So... What do you think? Should I try?"
I took a long pause, gritted my teeth a little bit almost like I was eating a carrot that bit my tongue.
"Yeah, of course it is! I'm with you every step of the way."
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
Carly looked rather happy to hear my response. I looked at her as I watched her gaze at the moon and take in the stars. I never realized the night sky could be this gorgeous. I turned away from Carly and looked at the sky. I could see Gemini and Leo. The little dipper. I could even see a little bit of the sun as it set behind Carly's hair. The bright white moonlight glistened from Carly's rich brown hair and sparkles like glitter. The dark orange and yellow hues of the sun still slightly remaining behind her left a gorgeous view. The sky looked silky smooth and deep, like a vast sea of gold, topped with a dark sea of oil. Carly's skin flowed from the light, and the reflection of the blue water. Before I knew it, I muttered something out loud.
"Carly––"
She turned to me and on the other side of her face I saw a thin tear run down her cheek. To this day I regretted not asking what was wrong. Instead, in that moment I did the only thing I could think of. I was unable to hold back any longer and I felt that no matter what, I couldn't keep this secret any longer. I took a deep breath in and looked at Carly with a conviction, a determination, a will stronger than Iron. A mission that would be held so firm it would be thought to be concrete. In that single moment, I stood up and said this.
"CARLY!"
"Y––yes?" She looked visually startled.
"Carly, ever since the day we first met, I've always loved you. I know that this may be a horrible time to say this, and it may seem selfish and stupid and arrogant, but you know me. I am selfish, stupid and arrogant. I am the worst. And yet no matter what, you've always stuck with me. Even when I dodged you by skipping school for almost a week. You took me out. You let me have fun. Even after everything that's happened you always had the best intention and wishes for me. I will always love you."
"N–– I, But wait... Love?" She looked overwhelmed and shocked. "I–– I... I'm sorry."
Here it comes.
She took a deep breath and calmed down a little bit. As we both stood, the blue water reflected almost white, shimmering a fractal pattern on our uniforms. The image of two students in the night. A boy and a girl alone at a lake. From any outside perspective we would look like just your average couple. But right now, there was a tension building up in my heart, filling ever so slowly, expanding, expanding, almost to the point of a pop. I couldn't hold it in any further. As the night breeze blew both of our hair in the air, I saw a tear slip down her cheek.
"I love you too." She smiled and turned her head, just like she always did.
As she moved closer to me, the tension that had built up slowly released and left me like a snake shed its skin. She put out her hand. It was light, and small. It felt like touching a doll. Her skin was smooth and soft. As I touched it, I noticed that her hand was shaking like an electric toothbrush. I put her hand on my palm and clapped my other hand on hers so she could feel that I was shaking too. When this happened, we both looked in each other's eyes. I liked the way that the moon reflected off of her dark blue eyes, the same color as the lake next to us. As we both held each other's hands, the fireflies in the long grass all rose and lit up. Like a scene from a movie, the entire ground illuminated, and the darkness was gone.
I repeated, "I love you, Carly. I promise to make you happy!"
"You can't keep that promise..."
"W––what do you mean!"
"You've already made me happy. I'm the happiest girl in the world right now. And yet through all of this, I can't seem to smile sincerely. I thought that maybe getting the person I love to love me back would solve it, but nothing changed. You say you love me, but what do you really know about me? That I'm pretty? Or that I'm nice to you? Is that really enough to constitute you falling in love with me? Or maybe you don't want me–– you want my body? Well now that I love you back does that mean that I'm yours? Do you see where I'm coming from? I just really want to know... why do you say you love me? "
"I–– I love you because––" As I said those words, nothing came to mind other than what she had presented in her statement. How could I love her? I truly knew nothing beyond the surface.
"Well, I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I genuinely do like you. I just wanted to know what you liked about me. Since you can't say things yet, I'll list some things I like about you." She repositioned her hands to be the ones clasping mine and inched closer, speaking into my ear, with her mouth only about an inch away from mine. "To start off, You're funny. You're smart. You're kind. You're always there when I need you. You're not just dependable but responsible. You do everything that people ask you. And on top of that, what I like. Is that you like me."
I looked at her with shaky eyes. My heart was beating out of my chest. Suddenly I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"CARLY! A THING I LIKE ABOUT YOU IS THAT YOU ARE HONEST. YOU TELL ME HOW IT IS! YOU DON'T HOLD JUST TO SPARE MY FEELINGS. YOU'RE SOMEONE I CAN COUNT ON, AND FINALLY––" I realized I was yelling, and she had backed up a little bit, she looked flustered and confused, "––Finally, the thing I like about you most is that no matter what I have done to you, you were always there supporting and helping me, lifting me through life."
"How lame." Carly whispered under her breath. "You basically listed the same things in just different ways. I really do love you, but I'm going to give you some time to think and evaluate what you are going to do and say." She let go of my hands, picked up her bag, books, and dress that I bought her. "Until tomorrow, right?"
"R––right." I slowly looked at the ground and felt a force of air come into my throat. My vision blurred a little bit as I watched her walk away. She marched along the walkway for a few minutes and then I could no longer see her. Whether that was because she was gone, or because it was night, she was no longer visible in that thick forest beside the lake. I looked at the water and felt something drop. I stared into that lake and thought to myself, "why?" Why would I do that? No matter what reasoning I could think of it always seemed fragile and flimsy. My eyes began to water as I listened to the ruffling and rustling of the leaves, blowing through the forest and skimming across the blue lake, now fully illuminated by white. I cried. Tears streamed down the side of my face like wet paint on a wall. The wind around me picked up, blowing my hair into my eyes and pounding against my body as if it was trying to knock me over, but I didn't budge an inch. Plip, plop. I heard the pitter patter of the rain drops as they slowly started to fall. So small it felt like someone was talking with their mouth a little too wide open. As I cried, a storm broke out around me. Tons of water falling heavily from the sky, drenching me like a shower. While I stood there sobbing, my tears were washed away by the rain, and it seemed like the worst had finally come. I looked at my hands as tears and rain landed on them, dripping through every crevasse, and watched as one drop rolled down the side of my palm like a tear on an infant. I dropped to my knees and wept. I cried so loudly that someone might've thought it was a siren if they didn't listen closely. I could taste the salty tears on my cheeks. This is the real me.