September 24th (Friday)
To think that after such a long time, my first diary entry would be about something like this.
Just imagining what I'm about to write makes me hesitate. Is it really okay to leave this in writing?
But if I don't put my thoughts into words…
It'll feel like I'll lose track of myself. No, maybe I already have.
Even Maaya pointed it out. She said I've become a goof. How terrible; how could she ever say that? And though I think it's awful, at the same time, I sort of agree with her.
Because lately, in between studying, all I can think about is that…
"Making love" with him. Melissa's words just won't leave my ears.
There's no way I can avoid thinking about it after hearing it like that so directly.
When I imagine what it would be like for a man and woman to do something like that… Arghhh, my mind goes wild.
It's even happening right now.
Arghhh.
Come on, get a grip, Saki Ayase.
But if I let my guard down, those thoughts creep back in.
His hands. They're so hard and big, so different from a girl's. When he hugs me, I can feel the width of his shoulders, and the broadness and firmness of his chest. But even so, he holds me so gently, making sure he doesn't hurt me.
Gah.
…Why am I writing endlessly about how his body feels?
Wait no, that's not it. Well, it is, but it's not the main thing.
We were satisfied with just hugging and seeking basic physical attention, but today we finally…
…Alright. I'll write down what happened.
He was the one who asked.
He asked if we could go further.
And that made me realize we felt the same way.
And so we… didn't just hold each other, but touched each other even more deeply.
Just remembering it makes me so embarrassed.
Maybe I really shouldn't keep a diary. I should just burn it or tear it up right now.
But still, I decided to start writing in here again, so I'll try to push through.
October 9th (Saturday)
Today was the first day of the school festival. It was tough, but fun.
I had a poker match with Yomiuri-san and Kozono-san. Yomiuri-san came in first and Kozono-san third.
I ended up in second because I folded in the final round.
I noticed early on that Yomiuri-san was making it look like she had a weaker hand than she really did, but at the same time, she definitely didn't have a strong enough hand for a guaranteed win. Realizing that neither Kozono-san nor I raised that much, she also didn't push to grow her stash of chips. She probably knew that she could lose her upper hand in an instant if a good card came up.
So, I guessed her hand was probably a pair, which was decent. But the first three community cards ended up being a 3, 4, and 5. Even combined with those, she probably didn't have a particularly strong pair. I figured she had two cards valued at 10 or higher.
At least, that was my guess so far.
Best-case scenario, for her at least, she could have a pair of aces. In other words, having two of the four Aces somehow ending up in her hand was the worst-case scenario for me.
I couldn't win if that were the case. I had a 2 and a 5, meaning all I had was a pair of 5s. And even as the fourth community card was revealed to be a Jack, all I still had was that pair of 5s. Even if the fifth community card happened to be a 2, it still wouldn't be enough to beat a pair of Aces. I would have gotten a three-of-a-kind if it were a 5, but the odds were slim, considering there was already one 5 on the table. The best case would be if the last card happened to be an Ace. That would give me a straight, letting me win even if Yomiuri-senpai had two Aces in her hand. But, at the same time, if that were true, the odds of getting that were even lower than getting a 5.
So that's when I folded.
And wouldn't you know it, the fifth card turned out to be the heart of Ace.
So, if I hadn't folded, I actually would have gotten a straight. Even if Yomiuri-senpai had three Aces, I would have won.
Guess I'm the type who chickens out and misses the chance to win at the most critical moments because of that.
You really can't beat someone like Yomiuri-san, someone with such incredible luck, unless you take risks. At the very least, I can't afford to lose heart before I even try.
After that, Melissa and Ruka-san came by. Both of them drank their coffees black. Without sugar or milk. I thought they were really grown-up for that.
And right after them, my mom and stepdad, Taichi-san, came.
I'd already told Class Rep and Satou-san that mom had remarried with Asamura-kun's dad.
It took a great deal of courage.
After all, I was revealing the sensitive fact that a boy and girl, who weren't related by blood, were living under the same roof.
I don't think I was fully confident that Class Rep and Satou-san would be as indifferent as how Maaya was. Seriously, I'm being honest here. It took courage. I think I did my best.
In the end, stepdad and mom came as promised.
Mom even joked about how she wanted to hire us at her work. That's way too much for me, though. I don't think I could act as warm and welcoming to everyone and anyone like how mom does.
But well, maybe Asamura-kun could put up with it. I think he's much more considerate of customers than I am. Mom even mentioned wanting to buy him a suit.
Him in a suit. He'd probably look really good. He'd be so handsome.
Maaya and Maru-kun came by near the end.
Those two are really close.
I was happy that all four of us managed to take a picture together. Maaya was a little hesitant at first, knowing I always never liked having my picture taken. But when I said it was okay, she got really happy.
Seeing her that happy made me realize that I'd been stubborn this whole time for no reason. I really regret not saying yes earlier now.
Oh yeah, Maaya called Maru-kun "Tomo-kun" as well.
Seems like Asamura-kun didn't notice.
They've really gotten so close… And to think that, even though Asamura-kun and I are dating, we still haven't given each other nicknames.
Nicknames, huh? Yuuta, so… "Yuu-kun"? Or maybe just "Yuu"?
Wait, why am I getting all giddy just imagining what nickname to call him?
Anyway, I think I'll try to get used to taking pictures little by little from now on.
In other news, Asamura-kun and I have decided to go on a date at the cultural festival tomorrow.
I'm looking forward to it.
October 10th (Sunday)
It was the second day of the cultural festival.
Today, I went on a date with Asamura-kun.
We walked around the school together, side by side. We ate crepes and baby castellas, and checked out different exhibits, teasing and having fun as we went.
We also went to a café together. Just the two of us.
At first, I felt self-conscious about how openly we acted like a couple at school, but that feeling didn't last long.
No one said anything about it to us.
I don't even remember getting any unpleasant stares. Or maybe I just didn't notice.
By the way, the art club's exhibit even had fluid art, which surprised me. Is it a trend at the moment? One of the club members told me about more upcoming exhibitions happening, and I got really interested. But as a student preparing for entrance exams, I'll probably have to wait until spring to go see them.
It's a little disappointing, I know.
He kept matching his pace to mine the whole time today too.
I know that kind of casual thoughtfulness was something he showed to everyone, but I often get lost in noticing those small gestures. It's all I can focus on. I want to learn to be like that from him too.
Spending time with him feels so comfortable.
I wish it could last forever.
But at the same time, I also knew that it couldn't. Ruka-san once mentioned something about youth and passion. She said she had already forgotten it. In other words, it's something that only exists in the fleeting moments of being a high school student. Well, according to Melissa, Ruka-san is still like that.
And yeah, the same goes for Melissa too.
But even so…
That can't last forever.
And it's precisely because things won't last forever that I've decided to enjoy this moment with Asamura-kun without any regrets.
Maybe that's why I've come to want to leave photos behind too. Because I want to preserve this moment, the one I can embrace as it is right now.
But, what about the future? My thoughts just start going in circles if I think about it too much. Because if "that" were to happen...
After everything that would lead up to it, the outcome would be a not so distant future.
A future I can't even picture right now.
A future with Asamura-kun, with me, and between us, our child. That kind of future. The kind that's unimaginable to me at this moment.
But when that time rolls around, will I be able to become a great mother? Like mom?
I can't answer that question. Not yet, anyway.
Well, either way, I'm probably getting ahead of myself.
Today was tiring. Time to sleep.
Good night, Asamura-kun… No, maybe I'll take a step forward since it's just my diary.
Good night, Yuuta.