"It's summer."
Maru bit into his sandwich as he looked up at the clear blue, midday sky.
The sky was becoming increasingly vast bit by bit, but the sunlight was still strong. Following his lead, I also gazed upwards. In the corner of the breezy connecting corridor, Maru and I both gazed blankly at the sky. The wind felt pleasant on my skin.
The corridor connecting the main building and the second building passed by the edge of the courtyard. During lunchtime, students often flocked to the benches set up on the lawn. Maru and I, wanting to have lunch together for the first time in a while, grabbed some bread and drinks from the school store and headed there in search of a free bench.
Unfortunately, the benches were all taken by students who got there first. Instead, we ended up standing in the middle of the second-floor connecting corridor that overlooked the courtyard, chatting away while basking in the sunlight.
"Summer, you say; but September is already halfway over?"
"On the calendar, it's already autumn, but astronomically speaking, September 15th is still summer," Maru said with a Cheshire cat-like grin, sipping from a juice box.
"Well, summer it is then."
"Yeah. It makes me feel like there's still plenty of time until exams."
Maru said that, but I wondered if being so relaxed was really necessary in September of our third year.
"I'd rather have actual extra time, not just the feeling of it."
"No one has that. Those who seem like they have extra time are just pretending," said the former baseball team's main catcher, known for his keen psychological insights into opponents.
"Yeah, I suppose."
"Think of it this way. If you let yourself get overwhelmed, you lose."
But the way he said it felt like it was also a sign that Maru himself was feeling the pressure. I sipped from my juice box as I stood beside him.
A breeze from the courtyard flowed towards the grounds. It striped waves on the lawn as it brushed over it, ruffling the skirts of the girls that walked along the corridor. It stirred their hair, caressed their necks, and passed through Suisei High before disappearing somewhere else.
Maru and I stood quietly for a while, letting the breeze wash over us.
"It's been a while."
"Hm?"
"It's been a while since we've had a proper chat like this."
Oh, that's true.
As we were separated by class, I hadn't had many opportunities to have deep conversations with Maru.
Since the class change, I also hadn't exchanged a single word with some of the classmates I used to talk to when we were in the same class.
Actually, Maru and I hadn't had much opportunity to talk recently in general. He had been busy preparing for the final tournament of the summer, and during summer break, I was entirely focused on studying for entrance exams. As a result, we hardly spent any time together as friends.
"So, what's up? Since retiring from the baseball club. As the former captain, are you concerned about the juniors?"
"We have talented second-years in our group, so I'm not worried."
"The tournament… was disappointing, wasn't it?"
"We just weren't strong enough. That's all," Maru said calmly, but there was no way he wasn't frustrated.
After being eliminated in the regional qualifiers for Koshien[1], he seemed to have suffered from burnout. Even in the occasional messages he sent, he confessed that he couldn't find the motivation to study or do anything.
[1: Japan's annual national high school baseball tournament]
This started to change around the middle of the summer break.
It was around the time I returned from the study camp. The messages I received from him became more positive. So, I wasn't too worried.
"By the way, you and Ayase didn't come to the fireworks festival."
"Hm?"
"Didn't have time to go out?"
"Ah. Well, yeah… that's right. I didn't have much free time."
In reality, aside from a day camp in July, I really didn't have the time to go out. But, I did go to the fireworks festival once with Ayase-san. It seems she found out about the festival from Narasaka-san.
I wonder if Maru was also at that meet up she'd organized? I usually don't care who meets whom, but I couldn't deny that I was a bit curious. Maybe it's because it involves Ayase-san.
"Gotcha. I lost the bet then."
"…What bet?"
"I thought you and Ayase went to the festival together ."
As expected from the baseball team captain, a psychological warfare master, trying to mess with my head to get me to spill the truth.
"I'm not sure what kind of bet you made, but it's a shame you lost."
I dodged the question, and Maru just snorted, not pressing any further.
"Well, I'll let it go."
… Judging by that reaction, maybe he already knew.
"That's Asamura for ya."
"Huh?"
"If it were any other guy, they would brag about going to the fireworks festival with Ayase to everyone at school."
"Why?"
"Having a beautiful girlfriend is something guys like to brag about."
"Huh?"
I genuinely didn't get it, but apparently that's how it is.
"You too?"
"Like I said before, I'm not good with the Ayase type. I mean, like you say, she might not come off as bad after talking to her…"
"As her brother, I guarantee it. Ayase-san's a good girl. She's dependable. Maybe even more than me, actually."
Maru knows that Ayase-san and I are step-siblings, so this much is fine.
"Probably true.."
"…You could at least disagree a little, you know?"
Let's change the subject.
"Anyway, the entrance exams are just around the corner. The school festival is coming up soon too. So once that's over, it'll be full steam ahead."
"I regret that I could only get through about half of the summer anime I planned to watch…"
"I have a pile of books stacking up too. Wait, you managed to watch half of them?"
"Breaking routine is a bad move. If you don't keep a calm mind, you can't solve the problems you normally could. It's a good way to take a break."
I think I'd be impressed if he managed to get into university while watching a lot of anime as a "break."
"Do you think you'll be okay?" I asked Maru.
I had a rough idea of what his answer would be.
"I've secured a B grade for the University of Tokyo."
I couldn't help but stare at my friend in amazement. Getting that score as a current student is incredible.
"Are you applying to private universities too?"
"Yeah, just in case. I'm considering Waseda and Keio as backup."
"Those aren't exactly backup schools, though."
"Well, now that I've finally gotten motivated, I'm aiming for the top."
My best friend, who seemed to have switched into full exam mode, looked up at the sky with a voice full of determination.
Earlier, Maru mentioned that I didn't go to the fireworks festival, which means he did. I somehow felt that having that kind of break might have been responsible for changing his mood.
Looking at his confident profile, I felt that Maru had truly already switched gears and was looking towards the next path he should take. What kind of path might it be, huh? That was something I hadn't asked yet.
"I see. Good luck."
Knowing Maru, he must have chosen his university with a clear goal in mind.
University, huh?
"You're worrying about others, but what about you, Asamura?"
"Yeah. It's a bit late, but I've been thinking about what I want to do in university and stuff."
"It's rare for someone to have that figured out these days."
"You have, though."
"Well, yes. But I might change my mind halfway through… That's right. I think it's okay if that happens."
I tilted my head in confusion. I wonder what he meant? "I think going to university is an important step for the future."
"Haste leads to tunnel vision. That narrows your options. My parents once told me: University isn't the end goal."
I think it's the first time I've heard Maru talk about his parents.
"They did…?"
"My dad also said this: Don't be afraid of changing your mind. It's better to not think that everything about the future is decided at university."
"That might be true, but…"
But the fact is, we don't have the luxury to think like that. For us, failing here feels like the end of our lives. We don't have enough life experience to trust the optimism that you can recover no matter which university you end up going to.
"But having a goal definitely boosts your motivation. So, Asamura, are you saying you don't know what you want to do?"
I nodded. That's exactly it. It's late in the game, but I feel like I've lost sight of what I want to do or should do in university.
"Everything feels so vague."
"Hmm, gotcha."
"Have any advice?"
So this is what it means to "grasp at straws." Not that I'm calling Maru a straw.
"Put it into words."
"Say what?"
"Humans aren't good at the act of thinking."
"Not good at the act of thinking…"
It was an interesting way of putting it. Very Maru.
"When you keep stirring things up only in your head, you might not realize you're going in circles. So, put it into words. Specifically, write it down on paper."
"Does it make a difference?"
"It does. By outputting what's in your head as words on paper, you can sort your thoughts out better. Even just a memo is fine. A diary or a journal will do."
"A diary, huh."
Now that I think about it, I've never kept a diary before.
Sorting out what's in my head…
Maybe I'll give it a try.
The wind that blew through the open corridor had stopped before I knew it.
⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
Lunch break ended and afternoon classes began.
The Japanese history teacher was known as an eccentric within the school, and solidified my thoughts that every place did have its own unconventional characters. As I watched him skillfully deviate from the textbook material, I pondered about how I could make the best use of this time.
At this rate, the remaining 30 minutes would undoubtedly be filled with idle chatter.
Well, the entire class was prepared for this. It was an open secret passed down from seniors through club activities that this specific teacher's Japanese history classes would inevitably rush through modern history due to time constraints. Every third class would be dramatically derailed, and it was incredibly slow to progress through the textbook. Even so, the scope of our regular exams was meticulously based according to curriculum guidelines.
I glanced at Ayase-san, who was smiling as she listened to the off-topic history lesson. She seemed to be enjoying herself. Being a history enthusiast, she looked content, as if the digressions beyond the textbook were the main attraction. She even asked questions. Speaking of which, last time's digression was about the interactions between female writers in the Heian period, and even after we had gotten home, she kept repeating how interesting it was. Unfortunately, I was only half-listening in class, focusing on homework from other subjects, so I couldn't keep up with the conversation.
This time, too, while half-listening to the teacher's lecture, I pondered how to make the most of the remaining time as an exam student.
Wait. Maybe I could use this time to organize my thoughts as Maru had suggested.
What I should prioritize.
What I want to do from now on…
I opened a blank page in my notebook and gripped my mechanical pencil. Now then…
What comes to mind?
First, what do I like? Things I like…
—I like books.
More precisely, I like reading. I wasn't particularly attached to physical books. Be it electronic or paperback, it didn't matter. Under the line "I like books", I wrote "reading" in a circle and drew an arrow.
From there, I tried to brainstorm.
Why do I like reading?
I recalled the titles of my favorite books.
Come to think of it, aside from novels, I also enjoy reading how-to books. It's because they offer fresh perspectives like, leaving me often saying, "Oh, so that's another way to look at it." They make me feel protected from prejudice and tunnel vision.
—I like discovering new ways of thinking.
That might be it.
So, I paused my thoughts for a moment and looked around. It would be problematic if the class had resumed without me noticing. But as expected, the teacher continued off on his tangent.
Things I like… things I like, huh.
I wrote down "coffee," "tan tan ramen[2]," and "mapo tofu"… listing whatever came to mind. Mostly food, though. I liked spicy foods. It suddenly sounded very mundane, but it was true that I liked them. I wasn't very picky about food, so these were just my preferences. Things I like… Things I like, huh. Material things don't really come to mind easily.
[2: Tan tan ramen (坦々麺, tantanmen), is a spicy ramen dish featuring a broth mainly made from chili oil, a spicy bean paste (doubanjiang), sesame paste, and soy milk]
I tried to picture my room. Specifically what was lying around.
Piled up books. Since storage was limited, I had been trying to switch to e-books as much as possible. But besides books, I didn't have many items lying around. Unlike Maru, I didn't have a hobby of collecting figures or acrylic stands[3]. I wasn't particular about audio equipment either. I watched anime and movies but only as far as what was available on subscription services.
[3: Cut outs of anime characters placed in acrylic stands]
Things I like…
—Saki.
Oops, that's a bit too embarrassing to write out explicitly. But, Maru did say that keeping thoughts in my head would hinder progress… No, no, it'd really be embarrassing if someone saw it. After hesitating, I scribbled the characters "SAKI" in small letters in the margin. This way, no one would understand at a glance. Let's hope this will be enough to make amends. Though who I'm apologizing to is anyone's guess.
I need to move on with my thoughts.
Let's leave it at that for things I like.
In other words—I stared at the notebook, thinking—I'm a person who likes these things. Now, what do I want to do?
—I want to become independent as soon as possible.
Why?
To support Ayase-san. To ease my old man's burden…?
As I wrote these down, I realized something.
Wait, wait, wait. These aren't things I want to do for myself.
What if I hadn't met Ayase-san? What, if my old man were a billionaire? In those scenarios, my reasons for wanting to become independent would vanish. Would that mean I had no personal ambitions before meeting Ayase-san, back in my first year of high school? Was that the case? Am I, as Fujinami-san had suggested, forcing external motivations onto myself?
Ayase-san being important to me and wanting to ease my old man's burden are all true and significant. These also shape who I am now.
But, that's not all, right?
I intuitively felt that I was hiding my true desires. Intentionally blinding myself to them. That's the sense I got. I could feel it, but—what were they?
Hmm… I don't know…
Fine. If I don't know what I want to do, then let's think about what I can do next.
What I can do, huh… I thought I was bad at socializing… but lately, that didn't seem to be the case. I'm good at customer service. Not that I like it; I'm just good at it. Or rather, I'm used to it. It's not something I mind doing.
Working part-time at a bookstore, I found that I also enjoyed thinking about how books could be arranged. A large part of that was due to Yomiuri-senpai teaching me a lot about how customers find and buy books. In other words, the law of human behavior follows certain patterns, and while you can't predict the actions of an individual, when you generalize customers as a group visiting the bookstore, the rough idea is that there are theories on how to arrange the books.
One such theory is to make popular books more noticeable. These books appeal to casual customers who might not be actively searching. If they're not prominently displayed, they won't be found by said casual shoppers.
Conversely, books that appeal to a dedicated minority of customers can be placed less conspicuously. These heavy users will always make an effort to find what they're looking for, even if it's in the back of the store.
At least, that's the approach that Yomiuri-senpai believes in, and it's how she organizes the shelves accordingly. I genuinely thought it was interesting, I really thought so, and enjoyed thinking about it too. Whether I'm particularly skilled at it or not, I never found it a hassle to consider these things.
It seems that while I find interpersonal relationships annoying, I enjoy thinking about human behavior itself.
After jotting down these thoughts, I left a space and wrote down my target universities.
Ichise University. If private, then Waseho or Keiryou…
For better job prospects, it's best to aim for a better department.
If it were just solely about what I want to do, it would be the literature department, but for job prospects, the economics or law departments might be better…?
I stopped my writing.
…Wait a second? I glared at my notebook again.
Something felt off. What does "better department" even mean? Higher deviation scores? Probably. We still live in a society that values deviation scores and educational background. A higher education is advantageous in life… Advantageous? Is that what I should be writing down now?
I inhaled sharply. Why did I think this way?
Imagine if someone offered to pay for whatever I wanted to eat. I'd go for the most expensive option. That makes sense. But if I had a craving for something specific, would I change my choice just because a more expensive option was available? Wouldn't that be missing the point?
Right now, I'm not trying to figure out what I want to eat—I mean, what I want to do. That's why I'm writing down these thoughts.
When thinking about your future, insincere and vague terms like "better departments" are jokes of an answer. It's like saying "I'll figure out my career goals after enrolling," even though the choice of department significantly impacts job prospects.
If I genuinely have no idea, that's fine. In fact, it'll be the only option then.
But what I'm doing now is honestly expressing what's in my head. Practicality can come later.
I felt a bit hopeless.
Everything felt so vague and incomplete.
Why couldn't I decide what I wanted to study or what I wanted to do?
I recalled what Maru had said earlier.
Specifically about not fearing a change of heart.
I felt goosebumps popping all over my skin.
That's it…
Changing feelings.
Up until now, I thought that going to a better place was the right choice to broaden my options, without thinking deeply about it.
But that's not it. It wasn't that I didn't think deeply. I didn't want to think deeply.
There are certain things in life that can't be helped. Hopes don't always come true. That was something that became evident to me before I even started elementary school. I failed the elementary school entrance exam. I failed the junior high entrance exam. And then my mother left home.
Even feelings of love can change. Despite having sworn for eternal love before God.
That's why I gave up on having any hopes.
If you didn't decide what you wanted to do, it wouldn't hurt if things didn't turn out their way.
Could it be that I had been avoiding thinking about what I wanted to do for such a trivial reason?
"No, wait… This is about what I want to do with my future…"
I quickly looked around, having accidentally spoken aloud, but it seemed no one heard me. I was relieved. For once, I was actually thankful for the teacher loudly digressing off-topic.
I'd been so engrossed in staring at my scribbled notes while feeling uneasy that I hadn't noticed the class had ended.
⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
It was after school.
Arriving at the bookstore where I worked, I decided to wander the shelves until my shift started.
As I walked through the forest of bookshelves, I couldn't help but immerse myself in the thought of how wonderful books truly are. The smell of books calms me. Though I think I'm not particular about a book's physical form, if asked whether I like it or not, I would probably say I do. I enjoy looking at the beautiful covers, the act of turning pages, and the aroma of ink wafting from opened pages—I don't dislike them.
"I haven't checked the new arrivals either…" I muttered as I glanced at the tower of books displayed on the platform.
Moments like these made me realize it was indeed my exam year.
It was about time to start my shift, so I headed towards the office at the back.
Today was my first shift in a while. And unusually, Yomiuri-senpai, Ayase-san, and Erina Kozono-san were all on the schedule too. It was a rare day where Yomiuri-senpai and her juniors were all together.
I called out, "I'm coming in" as I opened the office door.
The other three were already there waiting in their uniforms.
"Yo, Junior-kun. Good morning."
"Uh, good morning? Oh, good afternoon to you too, Kozono-san."
"Good afternoon, Asamura-senpai."
Ayase-san, who was sitting next to Kozono-san, also gave a small nod in greeting.
"You took your time getting here, Asamura-kun."
"I took a quick walk around the store before coming in."
"Ah, I see," Ayase-san responded. Kozono-san looked at her with a curious expression.
Ayase-san, noticing the gaze, turned to face her.
"Hm? …What is it, Kozono-san?"
"It's nothing, really. I just noticed something, Ayase-senpai…" Kozono-san's face changed into a smirk. "I was just thinking that you still call each other by your last names."
"It's normal. We're at work."
"But what if another person named Asamura joined the staff? Wouldn't it be inconvenient to differentiate the two of them?" Kozono-san said, and Yomiuri-senpai also smiled with the same amused expression.
"Hohoho! Love the boldness. Indeed, Japanese people should default to using first names more. It clearly shows respect for the individual."
"Exactly!"
"I mean, I won't deny it," Ayase-san responded with her usual unchanged expression.
"So it's alright? It really is, isn't it? You're not worrying about unnecessary things? I probably won't lose to someone who's that reserved. So I'll call him by his first name first."
"Go ahead. But why 'probably'?"
"Guh. Just let it be!"
"So, Kozono-chan wants to get closer to Junior-kun by using first names, huh? Alright, give it a try."
Stop grinning like that. And please stop it, Yomiuri-senpai.
"Uh, well then, um… uh? …Senpai, what's your first name again?"
At that moment, Ayase-san covered her face with her hands, looking exasperated.
"It's Yuuta."
"Oh, thank you. Uh, let's see… Yutata."
Who?
"I messed up. Y—Yu… tata."
"You don't have to say it if you're that embarrassed. No need to force yourself," Ayase-san said.
"Uuuuu. Senpai, how can you do something so embarrassing so easily!"
"I don't. I call him Asamura-kun," Ayase-san replied nonchalantly.
But she calls me "Yuuta-niisan" at home. And it's been like that for quite a while.
Just as a warm mood began to settle in, the store manager knocked on the door and entered.
"It's almost time," he said.
Time had snuck away from us, and it was already five minutes before our shift would start. We all stood up from our chairs.
As we cleaned up our tea cups and prepared for our tasks, Yomiuri-senpai suddenly spoke to me.
"It's better to buy a book while you can if you found one you like, y'know."
Her expression was oddly serious.
"Well, I don't have enough money or the luxury to buy that much. I'm a student preparing for exams. Besides, I don't have the space to store them even if I did buy them—"
"As long as there's space to walk around your room, you'll be fine!" Yomiuri-senpai cut me off .
No, no. Is she planning on piling so much until the floor isn't visible?
"Could it be… you can't see your floor, Senpai?
"You can still walk around if you push things aside."
"This isn't a snowy region."
The image of a room with a tower of books surrounding a bed popped into my head.
"Well, anyways, it's better to buy books while you can."
Her tone was serious, so I couldn't help but ask what was wrong.
"Did you see today's news?"
Apparently, one of the major distribution companies had gone bankrupt.
And it had an image of being an indispensable presence in the publishing industry when it came to distribution, securing a solid position.
"It was known as an old established company. Anyway, it made me feel the impermanence of worldly things. This can happen in any business, but for someone who's job hunting, it was something I couldn't ignore."
The three of us nodded. If that's the case, it makes sense.
"Could it be, um, you were considering distribution companies as potential employers too, Senpai?"
"Well, sort of. I'm considering others too, of course. Not just old big companies, but IT, web-based advertising agencies—I'm applying to those kinds of places too."
"You're applying to that many places?"
Yomiuri-senpai nodded at Ayase-san's question.
I see. Seeing signs of decline in an industry you're aiming for would definitely be worrying when considering a career path. According to Yomiuri-senpai, just a list of economic topics over the past few months have indicated changes to several of the major industries in Japan, including acquisitions of established car manufacturers, acquisitions of major electronics manufacturers, as well as the decline of banks.
Kozono-san, still in her first year of high school, didn't seem to grasp the reality of the situation, but Ayase-san and I, with our future paths in mind, found the topic concerning.
"Job hunting is tough even if you graduate from Tsukinomiya, huh…"
Ayase-san's words seemed sincere.
"Well, I've already received offers, and I'm still at the liberty to choose, so it's relatively easy for me," Yoimiuri-senpai said, finally cracking a smile.
"Okay, let's head out to the store. I'll start at the register with Junior-kun, and you two, organize the shelves," she urged us on with her orders.
However, after hearing such a story, I became increasingly doubtful about whether my pursuit of stability was correct. No matter how established an industry is or how large a company is, what Yomiuri-senpai is saying is that in this era of significant change, even they could decline by tomorrow. If that's the case, how much value is there in the vague notion of going to a good university and getting a good job?
Of course, it's different if this recognition comes from thorough research and consideration. But for someone like me, who has only thought about it lightly, the idea of a good university or a good job might just as well be building a castle on sand.
As we headed to the register, Yomiuri-senpai added, "By the time you guys graduate from university, the landscape of the world might have changed quite a bit. There might be new companies, new jobs, and new organizational structures everywhere. It might be that kind of era, you know."
—I like discovering new ways of thinking.
I had written that in my notebook. But—
Please help me. I don't have the ability to predict the future well enough to consider job opportunities that don't yet exist.
⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
That night, Ayase-san and I had dinner while watching TV.
Instead of the dining room, we sat on the sofa in the living room.
The main dish on the low table in front of the TV was nikujaga[4], a quintessential Japanese home-cooked meal. Since we both came back from our part-time jobs, we just reheated the pre-made "dish so good it could knock your old man out" that Akiko-san had prepared before going to work. We paired it with rice, miso soup, and some store-bought side dishes, natto[5], and seaweed that we picked up on our way home.
[4: A popular staple in Japanese cuisine, involving meat, potatoes, onions, and other vegetables like carrots stewed in soy sauce, dashi, mirin, and sugar
[5]: Soybeans fermented with hay bacillus, a gram-positive bacteria]
I should add, my old man had already eaten and was in his bedroom. He's probably fast asleep.
So here we were, eating in the living room tonight, despite Ayase-san's usual stance of focusing on the meal and my general lack of interest in TV.
Influenced by our conversation with Yomiuri-senpai, we decided to take a closer look at the news for a change. In particular, we were watching a late-night economic news program. As we moved our chopsticks, Ayase-san and I shared our thoughts on the program that followed global business trends.
"Oh, this is it. The bankruptcy Yomiuri-senpai mentioned," Ayase-san said.
I nodded, watching the news.
A popular anchor on screen was talking with an economist, a specialist in the field, who was expanding on the topic. Discussions about industry restructuring, the decline in the popularity of books among young people, and so on.
"Are books really not selling that well anymore?"
I didn't agree, and I told Ayase-san as much. "Sure, the sales of physical books might be declining, but if you include electronic and web based texts, there's the valid theory that it's actually this current era where people are reading the most."
Besides, reading is incorporated into the educational curriculum nowadays.
"Come to think of it, we had that in elementary and junior high. Reading time. It was only ten minutes though."
"It's too short. You can't finish reading anything in that time."
"That's why I always borrowed books that I could read quickly."
Ayase-san does read magazines, but not novels, huh.
"I just kept reading without any care," I responded.
"Without any care?"
Ayase-san tilted her head.
"Literally without any care. I wanted to know what happened next."
"…Wait, you mean, you kept reading even during class time?"
I nodded, feeling a bit embarrassed. There's no way I could have waited until the next day if I was on the part where the detective starts solving the mystery right when reading time ends.
"I'd have my textbook open on my desk, then hide the book I was reading in the desk compartment… and read whenever I got the chance."
I try to mimic the feeling as if there were a study desk in front of me.
Ayase-san looked astonished, her mouth agape.
"And you never got in trouble? "
"Reading during class really helped me make progress."
As we talked, we continued watching the economic news on the screen.
Once it was over, the program shifted to introducing products with cutting-edge technology.
Today's topic was a voice recognition virtual assistant app. The kind that comes with smartphones. You can command it by voice; it could do anything from launching apps to creating To-Do lists, and can serve as a memo pad. This was the latest version of that.
A memo pad, huh…
"Have you ever kept a journal, Ayase-san?" I asked her, suddenly remembering my conversation with Maru.
But weirdly, Ayase-san responded with a flustered "Huh?"
Was that question that unexpected?
"J-journal? As in a diary?"
"Yes, the kind you write in."
Well, what else would a diary be for?
"Ah, aaah, yeah. I used to keep one. Not anymore though."
"Really? So, it's from way back?"
"That's right, that's right. From a long time ago."
"That's impressive."
"Huh?"
"If it were me, I'd give up after three days."
"Ah… yeah, a lot of people can't deal with having one. I… um, I managed to continue for quite a while. But why are you suddenly asking that ?"
I briefly recounted my conversation with Maru during lunch. From when I was thinking about which path I should take.
Maru had told me that writing down my thoughts could help me organize my mind and view myself objectively.
"So, I was wondering how it actually is," I said.
Ayase-san's chopsticks stopped moving and she thought for a moment.
She began to speak slowly, as if choosing her words carefully.
"Well… I guess you could say I was able to view my own thoughts objectively, maybe."
"So, it had an effect on you, Ayase-san."
Ayase-san looked a little embarrassed for some reason.
"Well, yes. Sometimes it becomes just so objective that it's a bit embarrassing, and I often found myself burying my face in my hands and asking, 'What was I thinking…?'"
I was a bit surprised. Ayase-san probably appears cool to most, so I didn't expect her to be the type to bury her face in her hands after rereading her own diary.
"Oh, really? I didn't think you thought that way," I said in surprise.
But Ayase-san flapped her hands in front of her.
"Forget it."
I tilted my head, but Ayase-san didn't offer any further explanation.
"Forget what I just said. It's nothing important."
With that, she forcibly shifted the conversation back to the news program.
Well, diaries are private things, after all. Even if I'm curious, it's not my place to press further. I also turned my attention back to the TV to match the conversation.
⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
After finishing my study session, I was about to collapse onto my bed when I suddenly remembered something.
I looked over my notes again. Reading the jotted down thoughts that had come to mind during class brought back that sense of uncomfort.
"Not being able to find what I want to do is a problem, isn't it?"
It's frightening that such simple thoughts could be revealed through mere notes. I felt as though my own inadequacy was being emphasized even more. So, this is what it means to bury your face in your hands after reading your own writing.
How is it that people can write and keep diaries? The Tosa Diary, The Mayfly Diary, The Diary of Lady Murasaki, The Sarashina Diary—diaries considered masterpieces cementing themselves in literary history—did their authors ever imagine that their descendants hundreds of years later would read them and even comment on them?
"I wonder what they would have felt if they had known."
Would they have buried their faces in their hands, or would they have been like, "Please, do read more"?
No, I can't keep my thoughts wandering. I need to think more seriously about what I want to do. I picked up my smartphone and started researching my hopeful universities. Even if it's considered too late, it's better than doing nothing.
It seems there will be open campus events at various places during the long weekend. On the 18th, Keiryou; on the 19th, Waseda; and on the 20th, Ichise University. If I miss these, there will be no time before the exams. Moreover, there's still the parent-teacher meeting at the end of the month.
"I'll go to the open campuses…"
I want to get a hold of something there.
I wrote the schedule into my smartphone's calendar and then went to bed.