I stowed my luggage in the trunk by my feet and stood staring out the window of the swaying train.
The weather was clear, without a cloud in sight.
We only had a morning lecture on the last day of the study camp. After the closing ceremony, we were sent home right then and there.
Now I was on the train back to Shibuya.
It was a good study camp…
I savored the feeling of fulfillment deep in my chest.
That night—the night I fell asleep listening to the music Ayase-san introduced me to—felt like a turning point, as if all the tension had suddenly dropped from my shoulders.
I was able to focus incredibly well in the latter half of the camp.
The self-esteem talk I got from Fujinami-san was a real eye-opener. Coupled with my inherently low self-esteem, I'd completely lost confidence. And I convinced myself I'd lose Ayase-san's love if I didn't work myself to the bone and get good grades—despite her never once saying she wanted that from me.
As if to prove that, the first words in her message had been worries about my health. Yet, I was pushing myself without even caring about my own physical condition. It's so embarrassing.
More than anything—
"Live life for yourself, huh…"
Even Fujinami-san, who insists on that point, is choosing her university for the sake of her benefactor and others in similar circumstances. It's just that she doesn't use the excuse of doing it for someone else when choosing that path.
Why am I studying? I decided to stop using others as an excuse. Otherwise, if I were to lose Ayase-san (as unthinkable as that is), it would mean I could just give up on studying for entrance exams. That'd be absurd, whatever way you look at it.
Good and bad things happen in life. And life goes on even after things come to an end.
Even if I grow old, die, and decay someday, my life should primarily be for me until then. If I lose sight of that and start saying it's for others, I might end up using my own failures as excuses or a way to blame others.
I finally realized. That was what my biological mother had been doing. She took my failing the entrance exams as her own fault, even though I was the one who took the exams and I was the one who failed.
That night, after a good sleep, I woke up feeling refreshed, as if a curse had been lifted from me.
The next day, I could concentrate solely on what the instructor said, and no longer cared about what the other students around me were doing during the mock exam.
That evening, when Ayase-san invited me to the fireworks festival, I immediately replied, "I want to go."
Had I not realized the strangeness of my behavior and continued making excuses for Ayase-san's sake, I might have said no.
The fireworks festival was tonight. I need to hurry home and prepare, or I won't make it in time.
There was no time to rest, but the slanted sunlight through the train window gave me a thrill distinct from fatigue.
I want to create summer memories with Ayase-san, just the two of us, for my sake.
***
Komae-Tama River Fireworks Festival.
The event, held every year in early August, has spots to watch from both the Komae and the Kawasaki side of the river. Ayase-san and I decided to go to the Komae side.
From Shibuya, it takes about 40 minutes to get to Komae if you transfer to the Odakyu Line at Shinjuku Station.
When I got home, Ayase-san was already waiting, dressed in a yukata.
Ah right, you need to wear a yukata for a summer festival—I realized belatedly. I did own one, but being a homebody, I hardly ever wore it. I wondered where I put it, but Ayase-san had already asked my old man and had it ready for me. I had to hurry and change.
Despite it being a whole week since I last saw Ayase-san, there was no time to soak in the joy of our reunion. I was so rushed I didn't even have time to appreciate the pattern of her yukata.
By the time we reached the riverbank of the Tama River, it was already packed with people, and we had to walk along the riverbank looking for a place to watch the fireworks. Although the best spots were probably already taken, you could still see fireworks filling the sky from anywhere.
We walked through the festival grounds to the clattering of our geta[1]. We visited the stalls while waiting for the fireworks.
[1: Geta (下駄) are traditional Japanese wooden sandals with elevated wooden bases and fabric thongs worn with traditional attire such as kimono or yukata]
The sun set just after 6 pm, and the surroundings gradually darkened. The landscape lost color, as if washed by diluted ink. The Night Queen's black hem slowly enveloped the sky.
The crowd grew thicker, and our pace slowed to a crawl. The cacophony of people buying and selling things was loud, and I had to raise my voice so Ayase-san—walking beside me—could hear.
"Ayase, hold my hand. We might get separated."
She reached out and took my hand. I tightly squeezed her hand in return and walked slowly, matching her pace.
A crackling sound came through the speakers strung up on either side of the street, followed by an announcement. It told everyone the fireworks would be starting soon.
Almost immediately, the first firework shot up into the sky. With a boom like a canon, the ball of light soared into the sky. It burst open, blooming like a flower across the night sky.
There was a collective, "ooh!" from the crowd.
Somewhere, a man shouted the nostalgic cry of "Tamayaaa![2]"
[2: During the Edo period, fireworks displays gained popularity in Japan. The Tamaya clan, a prominent fireworks factory, dominated the industry. In 1810, a rivalry led to the formation of the Kagiya group. Annual fireworks "battles" ensued, with spectators cheering "Tamayaaa!" and "Kagiyaaa!" This tradition became the standard way of expressing delight at fireworks displays]
Children's laughter and exclamations of "beautiful!" and "amazing" could be heard from all around.
Then, as if on cue, fireworks of all sizes and colors began to burst one after another in the sky. The smell of gunpowder hung in the air, and you could see smoke particles reflecting the light from the ground, following the wind as they drifted along the river's surface.
Ayase-san tugged at my hand, trying to say something. It was hard to make out over the noise, so I leaned in to hear her better.
"Um, sorry, I did some things on my own without asking,"
"Huh?"
"I forgot to tell you because things were so hectic..." Ayase-san whispered into my ear.
She confessed to telling Kozono-san about our relationship and hinting things to Akiko-san without asking me.
She dropped her gaze.
"Sorry," she muttered towards the ground.
This time, I leaned in to whisper in her ear.
"Then I'm sorry too."
She looked surprised.
"I told Yomiuri-senpai about us too. I forgot to tell you, sorry."
"Oh, I see."
But it might be getting too difficult to keep our relationship a secret anyway. This probably won't be the last time. So we had to make a decision.
"I don't mind that you told them. We'll have to tell Akiko-san and my father eventually too."
And that time wasn't far off.
"Yeah… you're right. I don't mind that you told her either. But, I might do things on my own again. So... if you don't like it, please tell me."
I'll do the same.
Ah, now I get it. She thinks she was being selfish and caused trouble for me, but what she did was no big deal.
"It's not like I'll get upset over something like that, at least not now. Ah, no, that's not right—"
That's not the right thing to say at a time like this. I uttered two words, the only right ones to say. Words that'd become so commonplace for us that it would be tasteless to even put them into writing.
She suddenly raised her head again, the fireworks blooming in her eyes as she looked at me. I would see my face reflected there, as if blocking the brilliance of the lights shining in the night sky.
I gazed back at her, accepting her existence just as it is, just like she accepts mine.
On the cusp of summer's end, Ayase-san and I savored a fleeting eternity.