It was just past 3 pm.
"I'm home~"
I heard the door opening along with my Mom's voice calling out.
Today was a rare day off for her. She'd taken a nap, went shopping at Shibuya Station, and had just returned.
"Welcome back," I called out to her after opening my door and poking my head out.
"Were you studying?"
"Yeah, but…"
What else would a student facing exams be doing? Why does she look so surprised?
"You must be tired. Let's have some tea."
"Well, I was just thinking about taking a break anyway."
"I found some delicious scones."
"I'll make the milk tea then."
I hurried into the kitchen, flicked on the kettle, and began preparing for our afternoon tea. I wasn't sure if milk tea and scones normally went together as I hadn't looked it up. I was pretty sure I'd heard it did somewhere, and regardless, my Mom had always loved the combination.
Warm scones with special clotted cream, sweet jam, and milk tea—that's her favorite.
Ever since I was little, it was my job to make the tea whenever she bought scones. While I did that, she'd always get the jam and cream ready. But since clotted cream doesn't usually last in the fridge, we'd find something to substitute it with if we didn't have any.
To my surprise, she'd even bought clotted cream today. She must've found some exceptionally delicious scones.
I brewed the tea and sat down across from her at the long kitchen table. I warmed the scones in the toaster oven until they were just warm to the touch. I could've used the microwave, but my Mom and I preferred our scones to be a little crispy on top. Once warmed, I popped them on a plate and set them in the center of the table.
"Thanks for the food."
"Yes. Please help yourself."
We both took scones from the plate and started eating.
I split open the soft center of my scone and spread cream on it with a butter knife. I carefully nibbled it, holding it with one hand and using my other like a plate underneath to avoid dropping any crumbs.
A nice crunchy bite. Crumbled bits spilled into my mouth, delicately breaking apart and blending with the cream. The scent of baked flour mingled with the sweetness, drifting to the back of my nose.
It was comforting.
"These are so good."
"I know, right?" Mom said with a smile, looking chuffed.
My Mom and I shared the summer afternoon moment together, quietly nibbling on scones and sipping tea, the sound of the air con in the background.
"By the way—" she suddenly said.
I looked up with a "hm?"
"It's been a while since we've had tea together, Saki, just the two of us."
True enough. Since she remarried and we moved into the Asamura household, I couldn't remember us having afternoon tea alone together.
"It feels nice to do this once in a while, don't you think?"
Looking at my Mom's gentle smile, I felt uneasy again.
Compared to how unstable I felt, she'd been incredibly calm lately.
"There you go again."
"What?"
"That big sigh. You've been doing that a lot lately."
"Really? I've been doing it that much?"
"Yes, really. You haven't noticed, have you? Is something worrying you?"
I hesitated, unsure of how to proceed.
"Believe it or not, I'm at that age where I've got plenty of worries."
"Oh? Like what?"
Her tone was light, but her question made me hesitate even more.
Can I say it? There's no way I can.
That her daughter had fallen in love with her new stepson, became his girlfriend, and was now in a relationship where hand-holding, hugging, and even kissing were commonplace? And that I was stressed about a junior who saw me as a love rival, and we'd just had a showdown about it?
Impossible.
I didn't even know where to begin or what to say.
"Your Mom is pretty good at giving advice, you know?"
Given her decade-plus experience as a popular bartender in Shibuya, I didn't doubt it. But still…
"Umm… This is just a hypothetical, but…"
"Sure, sure."
"Hypothetically speaking, okay?"
"Yes, yes."
"When two people are in a romantic relationship, it isn't good if it turns into a battle of egos, right?"
Behind this was my recent dilemma about wanting a romantic fireworks date with Asamura-kun. I wanted to deepen our relationship without allowing any space for intruders.
But I was worried that it'd be selfish of me to express that desire when he was studying so hard. That kind of worry was always in the back of my mind, but that's beside the point.
I just wanted to ask the expert—hypothetically—what she thought.
I asked it in a round-about way, but my Mom responded with something unexpected.
"That depends on how you define ego."
What?
What was she talking about ?
"Recently, I've had a regular who works in philosophy or ethics at a university. So, I'm brushing up on those topics. I need to keep up with our conversations."
Ah, I see. My Mom was in bartender mode now.
"Ego... means selfishness, right?"
"There are roughly three major types. One is 'self' as in the sense of one's own identity, another is the psychological term 'ego' used by Freud, and then there's 'self-centered thinking', like you touched on, Saki[1]."
[1: Saki and Akiko are discussing "ego" (エゴ) versus "jiga" (自我). In Japanese philosophy, ego refers to the individualistic self, often associated with self-importance. It's used in psychological contexts about self-awareness. jiga represents a broader concept of self, encompassing existential reflections on one's identity in relation to society and the universe, and is less centered on individuality]
"The self... um, like the "process of establishing one's self" that we learned in health and PE class?"
"Yeah, you've got it," Mom said as she sipped her tea.
She slowly exhaled before continuing.
"But I think you meant the last definition. Generally speaking, whether it's between lovers, parent and child, siblings, or coworkers—"
Kozono-san's face flashed in my mind at the mention of coworkers, and I tensed up.
"—Generally speaking, being self-centered isn't really seen as a good thing in relationships."
"I think so too."
"Thought you would, but…"
"Huh?
"So, let's think about it the other way around. When wouldn't ego be a problem?" she said, raising one finger.
Ugh. This was her way of teaching, asking me to think for myself when I just wanted a quick answer. It was a tad stressful. On the rare occasions she switched to this "instructional mode," it was futile to resist.
I racked my brain.
When could ego not be a problem?
As I was holding my head in my hands, my Mom threw me a lifeline. Even when she told me to think things through, she was always pretty soft on me.
"Imagine a husband who insists on having rice for breakfast and refuses to eat anything else. That's being selfish, isn't it? He's disregarding his wife's preferences to prioritize his own tastes."
"Yeah, that's true."
If someone said that to me, I'd definitely get annoyed. Is there actually a situation where an ego like that wouldn't be a problem though?
After mulling it over for a bit, an answer dawned on me.
Warm scones with special clotted cream, sweet jam, and milk tea—that's her favorite. I'd never objected to that. Ah, I get it.
"If the wife also insists on just having rice for breakfast."
"Correct. So, 'any ego won't become a problem if all members of a group share the same ego'."
"Like if everyone wants stew for dinner, there won't be a fight over what to eat?"
"Right, right. Oh, but even if everyone's ego is pointing the same way—like wanting to monopolize something—it's a different story if not everyone agrees, so let's shelve that for now."
I see, since ego is defined simply as self-centered thinking, it doesn't necessarily determine whether the other person will dislike it or not. It just happens to be the case most of the time.
"That makes sense… But situations like that—"
"Are unrealistic, right. Different strokes for different folks. Everyone is different. It's practically impossible for all egos to align perfectly in every situation, but…" my Mom continued. "It doesn't mean it's impossible in all cases, especially when the group is small. So, to your question about whether a battle of egos in a romantic relationship is bad, the precise answer would be 'it depends'."
"Uhm...?"
"Wanting to hold hands, kiss, whatever it might be. In romantic interactions like that, if one person tries to force it, even among lovers, it's considered harassment. That's common sense nowadays, right?"
"You need consent."
"Spot on. That's why being egotistic in a relationship is frowned upon, unless both people just happen to want the same thing at the same time."
"I can't even picture what kind of coincidence would make that happen."
It'd be like flipping a switch to suddenly have the same ego.
"Yeah. Since both parties are individuals with their own egos, it's unrealistic to expect their desires to align perfectly at the same time."
Hearing that made me remember something. Something I thought about the night I had that showdown with Kozono-san.
Nothing starts unless both people desire it.
Something like—I want to desire it, so I want you to desire it too.
Romantic moments only happen when both people's desires align at just the right time.
"That's why it's so important to get on the same page, to adjust to each other. Without that, you can't even share a kiss, no matter how much time passes."
Makes sense…
"Also, there's one more exception to your question earlier."
"Huh?
"If the other person has no sense of self. If they have no preferences or dislikes at all. If the wife simply obeys every demand her husband makes without question, there won't be any conflict, so no problems arise."
What she said was so outrageous that it left me speechless.
"That means... the lack of conflict itself is the problem, isn't it?"
"You've caught on. Exactly right."
Hmmm.
"And this applies regardless of gender. If a boyfriend said he wanted to meet all your demands, it might make things easy, but from a woman's perspective, it'd be troubling to see a man with no sense of self."
"I'd definitely find that troubling. It means you can't tell his likes and dislikes."
"Absolutely right. Well, I guess we don't need to dwell on exceptions like that for now. After all, Saki, you're not like that. And I think whoever ends up as your partner probably won't be like that either."
Yeah, that's right… Argh! Wait, wait.
"Hypothetically speaking."
"Yes, yes. Hypothetically. Of course."
"...But going back to the topic. So, even if it's selfish, if the other person is willing to accept it, it won't be a problem?"
"Yes, exactly. But since you can't read the other person's mind to know if they're willing to accept it or not, it usually ends up causing trouble."
Ah, right.
Since each person has their own unique ego, it's impossible for their desires to perfectly align all the time—that's just how it is.
"Okay so, pushing our egos on each other is bad after all…."
"That's what I've been getting at from the start."
"Guh."
That's kinda unfair.
My Mom smiled at me.
"Is someone pushing their ego on you, or are you trying to push yours onto someone else?"
"Um... I mean, not really either—no, it's just a hypothetical!"
"Right, right."
"I've always said that pushing things on each other isn't a good thing. I just couldn't bring myself to like that part of that person."
Her expression darkened as soon as I said that, and I quickly lowered my voice.
When my Mom and I talk about "that person", we mean my biological father.
"I think it's unbelievable he just focused on his own pain without considering you, Mom, and then took his anger out on others. I could never come to love someone like that."
Once I started, I couldn't stop myself, even though I knew it'd make her sad. I knew it was too much to say about someone my Mom once loved. But to me—as a child in elementary school at the time—it was that upsetting.
"You hated him, didn't you?"
She let out a resigned sigh.
"But the reason I divorced him wasn't because he was selfish and my love for him faded. It wasn't like that. I knew about his selfish side even when we were dating."
She knew he was selfish and egotistic before they got married. But whether you fall in love with someone doesn't really depend on whether they have negative traits. My Mom said it's not like you can't love someone if they have bad traits, and it's not like you love someone just because of their good ones either.
"It's not that I loved him because he's flawed. It's about whether those flaws are within what I can tolerate."
When you're with someone, you'll inevitably see parts you don't like about each other, big or small. Whether a relationship lasts depends on whether you can look past these flaws. It's unrealistic to expect someone to be flawless, and having a few shortcomings doesn't necessarily change your feelings for them.
"Loving someone isn't about gaining something. I think the act of loving is beneficial in itself. Just being able to love someone feels like a big win for me, so a little problem here and there doesn't really bother me."
"Mom, I didn't know you thought about love like that…"
For some reason, she looked happy when I said that.
"Hehehe."
"Why are you laughing?"
"Because, it's been my dream to have this kinda conversation with my daughter. I guess you've grown up enough to talk about love now, Saki-chan."
"I'm not talking about myself here though."
"Right, right."
I feel like I'm being led by the nose.
"But I hated that person's ego. I didn't know how you could stand it, Mom."
"Personally, I think everyone is selfish to a certain extent. Him and me included. So it comes down to whether you can accept the other's selfish parts."
"Didn't it bother you?"
"I don't mind giving in on things that don't matter to me. But that person wasn't selfish about everything. He didn't oppose it when I started working as a bartender."
That surprised me. I hadn't realized it until she pointed it out to me just now.
My Mom paused the conversation to refill our tea. As she did so, I thought back on the past.
My biological father's business had failed when I was in the early grades of elementary school, and money became tight for our family. My Mom decided to work, and the job she found was at a bar in Shibuya.
Dealing with drunk customers in a night job would make many husbands uncomfortable. My biological father wasn't exactly jumping for joy about it, but I remember he didn't outright oppose it either. The fact that he grudgingly allowed my Mom to work there, despite his sour face, was true. If he'd opposed it and stopped her, everything that happened afterward would've turned out differently.
I hadn't cottoned on to that until my Mom just pointed it out.
"Like Taichi-san, I'm the type of person who finds it easier to get along with people who can clearly say what they like and dislike. Of course, if someone pushes too hard on something I can't tolerate, I probably couldn't stay with them."
But she continued by saying that person didn't fall into that category. And she even said she still didn't hate him to this day.
"Ah, but keep that a secret from Taichi-san, okay?" she said with a playful wink.
So, why did they break up?
"Hmm, rather than running out of patience, I guess it was because it seemed like it would be harder for him if we stayed together any longer. I didn't want to quit the job I was starting to enjoy. So in that sense, I guess I found an area where I couldn't compromise."
After chewing on her words, I understood.
"I see. Sometimes you end up clashing over things only after you get married…"
"People change over time. If we can't adjust to those changes, breaking up might be the only option. Also, a big part was it seemed like it would make you cry more often, Saki. I couldn't turn a blind eye to that."
"Me?"
"That person just doesn't understand children. He's never been in a vulnerable position himself."
He never experienced failure as a child. He passed the entrance exams for a prestigious private elementary school, then junior high school, and naturally moved on to a top university straight out of high school. Then, he quickly established his own business after working for a while. His life had been completely smooth sailing.
That's why he wasn't used to being vulnerable.
"Not used to being vulnerable…"
What a strange way to put it.
"Having only experienced being strong, that person lived without recognizing his own weaknesses. His business tanking was probably his first real setback in life. He couldn't accept his own vulnerabilities."
Because he'd never been in a losing position, he didn't know how to act in situations like that. He couldn't understand that everyone faces setbacks, so he was merciless, even to a child.
"When I told him that you were still just a child and he couldn't treat you like he treated me, he just didn't seem to get it."
"All I remember is that person getting angry at me."
"I couldn't stand that either."
So that's how it was, huh…?
"Anyway, going back to the first question—"
I'd been lost in thought, but looked back at her when she started to speak.
"—It depends on the kind of ego, but in romance, showing it openly isn't an issue. Actually, if you're lovers, you have to show it. Otherwise, how would they know what you want? Humans can't read minds."
"I get that, but... isn't it embarrassing?"
Selfish desires in a romantic relationship… I mean, it's not something you can easily talk about in public, is it?
"Still, you need to talk it over at least once, right? After that, you can work out a code or something."
"A code?"
"Like, tapping their shoulder three times means you want a kiss. You can just decide on something like that."
No, no, no. What the heck is she saying?
"Mom… have you been reading too many spy manga?"
Wait. Surely she doesn't have an arrangement like this with Taichi-san, does she?
"Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't~"
As I watched my Mom sway from side to side, wearing a grin, I couldn't help but shout, "Are you a kid!?"
"Anyway, moving on…"
"You're the one who started saying weird stuff."
I was dumbfounded.
"Like I was saying, ego becomes a problem when it's imposed on someone. Especially if it's one they don't want, forced on them against their will. That's obviously not good," my Mom said firmly.
This might've been the first time I ever heard her lay things out so clearly and logically. Maybe she thought I was mature enough to handle discussions like this now.
But—
"I've been meaning to ask, why did you buy a whole leg of prosciutto?"
"It was highly recommended! Don't you think it'd be a waste not to buy something when it's guaranteed to be delicious?
"Mom, you know you're not supposed to buy expensive things without the family's consent, don't you?"
"Mmm?... How expensive is considered 'expensive'?"
She placed a finger on her chin and tilted her head.
"Let's just say a whole leg of prosciutto is borderline."
"This should be fine then," she said, pointing to the box of scones. No way…
"They recommended that too?"
"Yep, yep. And they said this clotted cream goes perfectly with these scones."
"And you bought them together!?"
"It was sooo delicious though. Right, right? It was delicious, right?
"Well, that's… yeah."
If it's just scones and clotted cream, then it's probably fine.
"Oh, and by the way, everything we talked about applies regardless of gender. Nowadays couples aren't just exclusive to being a man and woman."
I understood, but since we were only speaking hypothetically, we didn't need to go into the nitty gritty, did we?
"Your partner doesn't necessarily have to be a boy, Saki-chan."
Oops. I almost spat out the scone.
"Cough, cough. Ugh. The scone went down the wrong way..."
"Oh my, oh my. Hit the nail on the head, did I?"
"No, it's not like that."
"I was just wondering if you might be in love with someone, Saki."
Not—like—that!
I mean, that part isn't wrong, but the whole conversation was meant to be about love in general!
Pressed by her intense stare, I found myself instinctively looking down and taking a sip of my tea. What should I do? Did I put too much emphasis on it being "hypothetical"?
I glanced up at my Mom.
Wow, what's with that expression? It reminded me of the looks Maaya and Satou-san have when they're eager to hear about romance stuff.
"Um..."
"Yes, yes, go on, you can tell your mother anything."
Help me, Asamura-kun. There's a love expert here with the eyes of a hunter, trying to extract information about her daughter's love life!
But I mean, it'd put her in a difficult position if I told her the truth, wouldn't it? It'd cause her trouble, right…?
Part of me also thought it was best to let sleeping dogs lie.
I'd have to tell her at some point. But I couldn't just blurt it out without Asamura-kun's consent. I didn't want things to get awkward by saying it now. Ah, but there's also the chance things won't work out between us, and staying silent might let us return to just being regular step-siblings...
What are you thinking, Saki Ayase?
I was thinking about the end when nothing had even started yet.
"Well, even I can fall in love. Yeah."
"Oh my, is it happening as we speak?"
"That's… up to your imagination. Maybe, maybe not."
Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump.
I ended up hinting at it.
Despite never bringing up even a hint of romance in front of my parents, to avoid suspicion about our relationship, here I was.
My heart pounded painfully loud.
But even after hearing what I said, my Mom just kept smiling and didn't really say anything... She just stared at me intently.
"I-I'm going back to study," I stammered, clearing the empty plates from the table, and retreating to my room.
Slamming the door shut, I flopped onto my bed.
My heart, which felt like it was about to burst, had calmed down a bit, though the pounding hadn't completely stopped yet.
"Wahhh… I said it."
Sorry, Asamura-kun. I let it slip.
Even though I knew I shouldn't have just blurted it out, feeling my heart race like this made me realize I strangely enjoyed the thrill. Maybe this is one of my bad sides... a darker part of me.
I wasn't as rational as Asamura-kun. I didn't hate this kind of excitement over our secret romance…
When I buried my face in the pillow, it felt like my thumping heartbeat was ringing in the depths of my eardrums.
Closing my eyes, I pictured Asamura-kun's face, thinking about what my Mom said earlier.
"Showing your ego openly isn't an issue. Actually, if you're lovers, you have to show it. Otherwise, how would they know what you want?"
Can I really say it?
I want to go to the fireworks festival with Asamura-kun.
But with how little we've been talking lately, not even a phone call, I can't just bring it up out of the blue.
Just by looking at his message I can tell he's been pushing himself hard. The study camp was halfway finished, and he might be tired. Is he getting enough sleep?
Something suddenly came to mind and I reached for my phone, bringing up a video sharing site. I pulled up one of my favorited songs. A quiet melody that sounded like rain started playing.
Lo-fi Hip-hop was usually my study companion, but this particular track was actually my favorite relaxation music. It'd put me right to sleep.
Asamura-kun must be tired; I should share this with him.
I checked the time on my phone. It was already late afternoon. But according to his study camp's schedule, he'd still be in a lecture.
"I should get back to studying too..."
I returned to my desk to do just that.
Later, when I figured Asamura-kun had finished dinner, I sent him a short message with a link to the song.
That night, no reply came.
***
There was a new message when I woke up the next morning.
Yuuta:[Thanks. I slept really well. It helped a lot.]
It'd been sent early in the morning.
Good. I'm glad I was able to help.
My breath caught when I read the second message.
Yuuta:[Wanna talk a bit tonight?]
I was really happy. I couldn't wait for the night to come.
And that night, during our LINE call, I took a leap and suggested going to the fireworks festival together.
There was a momentary pause, a sharp intake of breath.
My heart started pounding again.
He probably wants to focus on his studies. I might be bothering him.
But if we want to move forward together, we need to do more than just be considerate of each other's feelings. We have to figure out how to balance our egos too.
If he said no, I'd just wait for the next chance. It's better than holding onto stress and worry.
Please, let our feelings align.
The seconds it took waiting for an answer felt like an eternity.
But Asamura-kun's response came much quicker than I anticipated.
『Yeah, I want to go to the fireworks festival. I want to spend time alone with you too, Ayase-san.』
Relief washed over me as I let out a sigh. Apparently I'd been holding my breath the whole time without realizing.
Then I noticed he didn't just say, "I'll come to the fireworks with you," but "I want to go." He wasn't just going along with it; it was his own desire.
"Me too! I want to spend time alone with you too, Asamura-kun, so..."
『Yeah. Let's go. Send me the details later. For now, I'll plan around going.』
"Don't push yourself too hard," I said, unable to stop smiling.
After that, we chatted a bit about what had been going on with each other, before hanging up.
Hearing his voice after so long made me incredibly happy.
Oh right, I have to let Maaya know that I won't be joining her.
Saki:[Sorry. Asamura-kun and I won't be joining you guys at the fireworks festival.]
It only dawned on me after sending it that we might run into each other at the venue. I'd need to discuss this with Asamura-kun later.
Right, I should ask Mom to get my yukata[2] ready.
[2: A yukata is a casual, lightweight Japanese garment worn in summer, resembling a robe. It's simpler than a kimono and worn for informal occasions]