"You don't have to force yourself to eat it all. It's okay to leave some."
Hearing Taichi-san's voice, I snapped back to reality. My chopsticks were gripping a thoroughly charred mezasashi[1]. One-third of it had turned to charcoal, and the bamboo skewer that impaled the eyes was burnt beyond recognition.
[1: Skewered fish usually consisting of fish fillets on bamboo sticks and then grilled or fried]
"Sorry. I took my eye off it for a second and that's how it turned out."
"It's okay. There aren't that many burnt parts," I said, before popping it in my mouth.
Bitter.
But I toughed it out and chewed.
I couldn't not eat the fish that my Stepdad, still new to cooking, grilled for me during the busy morning rush.
"It cooks surprisingly fast, doesn't it? I did a better job last time I grilled it."
What he said got me thinking—Have we had mezasashi recently?
I couldn't remember.
"Maybe you mean shishamo[2]?"
[2: Small, saltwater fish native to Japan. It is often grilled or fried whole]
"Yeah, that's the one."
"They look pretty similar, but mezasashi is dried fish, so it has less moisture to begin with, which means it cooks faster."
"Now that you mention it… that does make sense."
"It's delicious though," I said, picking up another mezasashi from the plate next to me and popping it in my mouth.
For clarification, mezasashi is not a specific type of fish but a term for dried small fish, like urume iwashi or katakuchi iwashi[3], skewered and dried.
[3: Urume iwashi: a small fish used to make mezashi. It's commonly known as Japanese anchovy or Japanese anchovy sardine. Katakuchi iwashi: another type of small fish used to make mezashi. It's also known as round herring or Japanese round herring]
This morning's menu included mezasashi, natto, and a little simmered hijiki[4]. The miso soup was made from freeze-dried blocks rehydrated with hot water. I recently learned that even without taking the time to make dashi from scratch, it could still taste good. Never underestimate modern preserved foods, I guess.
[4: Edible seaweed used in Japanese dishes, with an earthy flavor and chewy texture]
"You're up early today."
Taichi-san had already finished his food and washed his dishes.
"I need to leave early to get some work done, since I won't be able to do overtime today. Oh, you're on dinner duty tonight, right, Saki-chan? I'll eat out at a drinking party."
"Ah, okay."
That's rare. Taichi-san almost never came back late from drinking parties, except on weekends.
Reading my expression, he added, "I've gotta give some advice to a subordinate. I also have to take care of those below me because of my position and age. Since Yuuta isn't here, you'll be alone for dinner tonight."
"It's okay. I'm used to it."
Taichi-san's eyes dimmed slightly at that last part. Then, apologizing for not being able to clean up after the meal, he left for work.
I'd always eaten dinner alone. Ever since my biological father left and my Mom took up night shifts, I always cooked and ate my meals alone after getting back from school. It was normal for me.
"Right. Asamura-kun isn't here, is he?"
Those words unconsciously slipping from my lips made me all too aware of that fact again.
Feeling down about it, I also remembered I had another shift with Kozono-san later. The junior I didn't get along with.
But before I met Asamura-kun, I probably wouldn't have even considered going to a place where someone like that was. I would've just quit on the spot. Cutting ties was just easier, which was why Maaya was the only person I could call a friend.
If I was going to keep working and stressing out over a junior I didn't get along with, I might as well quit and focus on studying for my exams. After all, when autumn rolls around in a few months, I'd have to concentrate solely on my exams anyway.
It suddenly hit me.
That meant the bond I was finally starting to build with her would only last for a few more months.
We would part ways, with me carrying a lingering sense of guilt.
Are you fine with that, Saki Ayase?
After all, Kozono-san hadn't done anything wrong.
She tried her best during the day camp. I'd never seen her slack off at work either. So, avoiding her just because I felt like she was difficult to deal with didn't seem right.
With Asamura-kun leading me along, I'd slowly started growing my social circle since that day at the pool last summer. I had a new senpai, Yomiuri-san, and now a new junior, Kozono-san. Come to think of it, she's actually the first junior I've ever had.
"I also have to take care of those below me because of my position and age."
I replayed Taichi-san's words over and over in my heart.
I had to face Kozono-san properly. I didn't want to regret it later.
Click. My chopsticks hit the rice bowl. I hadn't noticed it was empty.
There was only one burnt mezasashi left on the blue plate for fish.
So lost in my own thoughts, I'd left the side dishes untouched. I reluctantly picked up the last mezasashi with my chopsticks.
I'll eat this and go to work. I'm going.
The mezasashi was bitter when I bit into it, but I chewed and swallowed it all the same.
***
The bookstore was fairly busy.
Meaning, there was no chance for us staffers to chat about trivial things.
Just when I'd psyched myself up for it, I hardly got any chance to talk to Kozono-san.
When my break time finally rolled around, and I was brewing tea at the office's hot water dispenser, Kozono-san conveniently walked in.
As soon as she peered inside and saw me, her mouth formed an "oh" shape. She probably anticipated the awkwardness of being alone with me. But, after showing her face, she didn't want to blatantly avoid me by turning around, so she timidly entered the room.
She was just a normal junior in situations like these.
"Want some tea?"
"Oh… Yes, please. Thank you."
I grabbed another paper cup and brewed tea for Kozono-san too.
I sat down one seat away from hers, cradling the paper cup with both hands. It wasn't hot, but I blew on it anyway just to avoid the unbearable silence.
Now, how should I start the conversation?
As I was waiting for the right moment, Kozono-san spoke up first.
"Um, can I ask you something?"
"Mm, sure. What is it?"
I turned my whole body towards her and set the paper cup down on the table.
"Are you, by any chance, dating Asamura-senpai?" she asked, looking up at me.
My breath caught in my throat.
She'd come right out and asked.
What should I say? About my relationship with Asamura-kun. About being step-siblings due to our parents' remarriage, and about us also being lovers... How much of this private stuff is it normal to share, anyway?
Thinking about it again made me all the more unsure.
For instance, if hiding as much as possible about your private life was common, then things like wedding rings or matching outfits wouldn't exist. Meaning, there were people in the world who wanted to visually show off that they were in a relationship.
And then there are people like me who believe in wearing what they want to wear.
My armament was mine alone. I didn't plan to make Asamura-kun wear anything specific, nor did I intend to match whatever he was wearing.
Well… I guess I wouldn't mind us matching occasionally. If it would stop girls hitting on him—and it'd stop these indescribable feelings of anxiousness whenever there were other girls around him—then yeah, for my own sanity, I'd be willing to wear matching headbands and stroll around some dreamy theme park.
My thoughts were getting away from me. Back on topic—
"If it looked that way to you, why are you trying to get closer to Asamura-kun?"
Generally, responding to a question with another question wasn't a great way to communicate, and not to mention doing it in a way that's pretty rude made me feel like the epitome of a snarky senpai. Even as I beat myself up over it, I realized that this was exactly the kind of thing that bothered me.
"Wha—... it looks like I'm hitting on him? It really looks that way?"
I nodded.
"For a while now?"
I nodded again. Yeah, for a while now… since she started working here.
"No, no, no... Really?"
"Yeah, that's how it seemed."
"No way, if that's what you think… ugh, please wait. Is that why you don't like me, Ayase-senpai? Wait, what? Do you have a one-sided crush on Asamura-senpai?"
"What gave you that idea!?"
I was floored. How'd she come to that conclusion?
"'Cause. Why would you think so deeply about it otherwise?"
So deeply!?
"It's annoying, in other words."
"...May I ask why you think I'm annoying?"
"Ahh… the way you say 'may I ask' like that is exactly what's annoying, but yeah, um, let's see…"
Kozono-san thought for a moment before looking up.
"Hmm. Do you have time after your shift, Ayase-senpai?"
"Huh?"
"Would you mind hanging out for a bit? It looks like it's going to be a long talk."
In other words, she was asking for more time because it'd be a complicated discussion.
What should I do? Luckily, I didn't need to cook dinner for Taichi-san tonight. My Mom would head off to work soon, and Asamura-kun was away, meaning the only thing I needed to do tonight was study for exams.
Obviously studying was important, but…
"Okay."
"This is exactly the kind of hassle I try to avoid by reading the situation and acting accordingly. But oh well, can't be helped, I guess," She muttered as if to herself.
…Did her character just change slightly? Or is it just my imagination?
***
After our shift, we made our way to the Shibuya Sky observatory.
We actually paid for tickets so we could head up to an observation deck where we could see a night view of the city.
To get to Shibuya Sky, you entered on the 14th floor of Shibuya Scramble Square, and went all the way up to the top floor.
Up on the observation deck 230 meters in the air, you can walk around and get a 360-degree view of the surroundings, seeing as far as the edge of Kanto. To the northeast, you can spot the city's skyscrapers, and to the north, you can see the high-rise buildings in places like Ikebukuro and Shinjuku. They say, on a clear day, you can even catch a glimpse of Mt. Fuji to the west. That's what the brochure said, anyway.
When we got there, it was the awkward time right between day and night. In the east, the curtain of night had already fallen, and the lights in the city center were beginning to twinkle, while in the west, the red hues of sunset still hung in the sky.
"Wow, it's so pretty~" Kozono-san said, glued to the wall and peering down at something.
"Look, you can see the Scramble Crossing from here! There's so many people!"
A quick glance confirmed that you could in fact see the intersection in front of the station that we passed through almost every day. The people coming and going were smaller than grains of rice, to the point where they didn't even look like ants. They were just tiny black dots. They'd probably vanish into the twilight before long.
I wasn't planning on being particularly buddy-buddy, but watching Kozono-san getting excited over the breathtaking view, I felt a bit of my edge softening.
As we went around the observation deck, Kozono-san kept pointing things out to me, and I ended up throwing in a comment or two. What's up with this situation right now?
We'd just finished going full circle and arrived back at where we first saw the Scramble Crossing.
"I really wanted to be like this with you, Ayase-san."
She'd dropped the "senpai" for "san."
Was it because we'd left work and were no longer senpai and junior, just acquaintances? Or maybe…
"You mean, like friends? But it seems like you have plenty of friends, Kozono-san. You don't really need to make friends at work, do you?"
Maybe that came off a bit harsh.
But Kozono-san didn't seem to take it badly.
"Nah, you've got it wrong."
Wrong? How so?
"It's not about wanting friends; I just wanted to be close."
"? How's that any different?"
"I just wanted a relationship where we could hang out without any stress. I think having a place where I fit in is generally more advantageous in life."
"A place where you fit in…?"
"Ah, you don't get it, do you?" Kozono-san said while leaning against the observation deck wall.
Shibuya's northwest sky spread out behind her. The sunset was slowly blending into shades of blue. It was like the sky behind Kozono-san was reaching out, slowly expanding from her right hand to left.
"Y'know, you're strong, Ayase-san."
"Strong...?"
"I mean, Senpai, you've never thought that you absolutely can't beat someone, have you?"
"That's—"
I was about to say that wasn't true, but then stopped to quietly ask myself the question.
True, if it came to a physical contest, I—being a girl and without any special training—probably couldn't beat a guy. My grip strength was about average, and I wouldn't be confident in winning an arm wrestling match. I'd probably lose to half the women too.
But would that make me feel like others were beating me? I don't think so. Whether it was studying hard or being fashion conscious, it all stemmed from not wanting to be beaten.
"—Probably true."
Kozono-san's eyes went wide before she let out a sigh-like breath.
"Thought so…"
"Is it different for you, Kozono-san?"
Kozono-san made a face like she'd bitten into a bitter bug—or maybe more like she realized the rice she just put in her mouth was burnt.
"I'm, like, this tall."
She punctuated the "this" by patting the top of her head with her right hand.
"The average height for sixth-grade girls is 148 centimeters, and for boys, it's 146 centimeters, right? Girls are taller than boys in elementary school. But once you hit the first year of junior high, boys start getting taller. So, during elementary school, girls with an average height can look down on more than half of the boys and feel good about it."
"Y-yeah."
Feel good about it? Is that so?... Guess I haven't really thought about it much.
"Up until then, I spent every day like you, Ayase-san; feeling unbeatable, with no enemies in sight."
"I didn't have that much confidence."
Wow. That's pretty aggressive. I did refer to my outfits as "armaments", but I hadn't gone as far as treating the boys around me as enemies. But Kozono-san simply brushed aside my retort.
"Well, you get overtaken in junior high anyway—" Kozono-san shifted her gaze away a little, staring out at the indigo-dyed sky as she continued. "I think it's something most girls feel, y'know. The first setback in life. After puberty, even boys who aren't that athletic surpass you in height, beat you in arm-wrestling, and when you punch their thicker chests, it's your hand that ends up hurting. You bite your lip in frustration, thinking, 'Damn, from now on, I can't physically beat half of humanity.'"
"...Well, that's just how biology works, I guess."
To be fair, there are female fighters who, with enough training, can even beat boys.
"Being this short?"
"Uh."
"Sigh… It wasn't just the boys either, I was overtaken by other girls too. I stopped growing at that point. Every day was a reminder of that. I can't reach the straps on the train, my view is blocked, crowded trains are suffocating. Even when I'm walking with other girls, they leave me behind because my steps are smaller, and I can't reach the top shelves in stores by myself."
"Ah… yeah. That's… tough."
"Yep. It is tough. Everyone around me looks like a monster. I'm over here feeling like a gnome or a kobold, and they're like orcs or ogres, or worse, trolls or giants. If it came down to a battle, I'd definitely lose!"
"Sorry, that last part went over my head."
It's probably some sort of jargon.
"Anyway, the point is they're huge enemies. It's do or die."
"Oh, got it."
Does she treat everyone around her as an enemy?
"Ah, just now, you didn't think I was being too quick to pick a fight, did you?"
"That's not—"
"Well, it's fine anyway, because it's true. I really do have a bad personality. I'm aware of it myself. A while back, Yomiuri-senpai called me 'a genius at being loveable,' but that's not true at all..."
While we were talking, the curtain of night fell, and the northwestern sky of Shibuya, which Kozono-san was facing away from, turned pitch black.
With no buildings obstructing the view, it looked as if she was carrying the darkness on her back.
"I don't think for a moment that I'm loveable just by being present. I've been working extremely hard trying to be loved," she said with a hint of self-mockery.
"Working hard…"
"Yes, working hard. Because if I showed my true self in front of others, they'd definitely hate me. I have a bad personality. I'm confident in that. Being hated is like being killed to me, since everyone is an enemy and it's obvious I can't win if we actually fought."
Kozono-san was saying she was sure other people would hate her, and that's why she was working so hard to be liked by those around her. It was a way of doing things I'd never thought about myself.
Kozono-san opened up to me. She explained how even if she didn't like reading books, she'd pretend to if someone else likes them. She actually likes sour things, but in front of her friends, she says she loves sweet things. She's scared of ghosts. She likes cats. Crepes and macarons are her favorite foods, and she hates homework and getting lectured. That's the act she put on.
Because everyone loves that version of Erina Kozono.
She figured that as long as she adapts to the other person's preferences and always does things to make them happy, they won't hate her.
Being hated was like a death sentence to her. So she acted in a loveable way to avoid getting "killed."
It was all about staying liked so she didn't feel trapped and could be part of any group she was in. She never let the real her slip through. She covered that girl up completely and only showed the cute Erina Kozono everyone expects to see. That's her level of dedication.
It really was all an act. Everything she did, the whole lovable persona, was purely for her own sake.
"Do you think that makes me a bad person?"
I found myself seriously thinking about it. It was a hard concept to wrap my head around.
"So, you always adapt to the other person and behave as if your own preferences are the same… is that what you mean?"
"Exactly."
"But I don't see how that's possible."
Kozono-san's face clouded over for the first time.
"It's not impossible."
"But I mean, um, in that group you belong to, what if there are people who love cats and others who hate them."
There can be cat lovers and dog lovers in the same group, and that's not a problem since it's not a direct conflict. You can just say you like both. But loving cats and hating them can't really coexist.
Kozono-san seemed taken aback for a second. But she quickly shook it off, and insisted it wasn't an issue.
"In that situation, I'd just adapt to whoever has the strongest position in the group."
I nodded.
That's really her only option.
"So that's why you sidled up to Asamura-kun, wasn't it?"
"...Yes. You got it… Ayase-san."
Talking about someone being in a "strong" or "weak" position is tricky. It's not always about where they stand in the pecking order. In this case, it's probably closer to "a person with influence in the group."
Asamura-kun was only a student part-timer. The hierarchy in the bookstore went store manager, then full-timers, then senior part-timers, and finally juniors. So if that was all you went by, Asamura-kun's position would be considered weak.
But then you had people like Yomiuri-san, a student part-timer entrusted with managing inventory. The manager even offered her a full-time position. Yomiuri-san was probably one of the staff the manager trusted the most, so her position was actually pretty strong. A simple part-timer or not, there were definitely people like her.
From what I could see, Asamura-kun ranked the second highest in trust behind Yomiuri-san among the student part-timers. So when I started keeping my distance from Kozono-san not long after she started working there, she had no choice but to cozy up to either Yomiuri-san or Asamura-kun in that group. Faced with double standards, she was forced to make a choice.
But with Yomiuri-san cutting back her hours as she neared graduation, Asamura-kun became Kozono-san's only choice.
"Trying to get close to Asamura-senpai was part of that strategy. It wasn't exactly flirting, but since it seemed you didn't like me, Ayase-san, I felt I had to make sure at least Asamura-senpai didn't end up hating me, so I tried really hard."
"Is that really trying hard?"
"Huh?"
She made a face as if to say, "What're you talking about?"
"Um, maybe I phrased that wrong... What exactly do you consider 'trying hard'?"
"...It means giving it my all."
"Are you really giving it your all?"
Kozono-san made a sulky face.
"Ah, sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean it like that... um..."
I get what she meant. But—there's a subtle difference between being serious about something and trying hard.
"Ever since I was little, I had to cook for myself because my parents weren't around during meal times."
Kozono-san's face shifted into a strange mix of surprise and confusion.
"I've been cooking since elementary school. Eating out or ordering in was too expensive, and microwave meals just don't fill you up. So, I guess I've ended up cooking way more than most people to start with."
"That explains why you're so good at it."
"I didn't hate cooking or anything, but more than that, I was forced to do it out of necessity. I did it because I had no other choice. If I couldn't make something edible, that'd be a problem, so I just got to the point where I could cook something decent enough to eat."
"I wouldn't have guessed."
"And, um, recently, there's someone who's been complimenting my cooking a lot… like, 'It's amazing,' or 'I've never tasted anything this delicious'."
No, wasn't it more like,"when's the last time I had miso soup so delicious"? Ah well, the details don't matter much.
"Uh, are you trying to show off that you're good wife material?"
"N-no, that's not it. I was just surprised since I didn't expect the compliments, that's all. Getting praised made me realize that, while I am serious about it, I'm not exactly 'trying hard.'"
Of course, I'm always on my game when I'm cooking. There's no doubt that I'm serious about it. But digging up recipes on the internet or in magazines whenever I had a spare moment had become such a routine part of my life that I didn't think of it as doing anything out of the ordinary. Yeah, that's exactly it.
I knew I was putting in the effort when it came to studying for exams. But I didn't really feel like I was trying that hard with cooking. Mostly because I wasn't planning on getting better at it or becoming a chef or anything. I did it because I felt like it was something I had to do. I wasn't aiming for anything more.
I chalked up Kozono-san's "adapting to others" thing as being the same thing.
Can you really say someone who does something reluctantly—out of necessity—has a bad personality?
"Even if you say that, I'm still getting something out of it."
"Or maybe you're just feeling guilty because you think that way?"
"Guh."
I also felt a little guilty when my cooking was excessively praised. Isn't it the same for her?
"People who make a living from cooking probably put a lot of effort into it from around my age, so I find it tough to say I'm working hard at it."
"Well, that might be true."
"And also… you dyed your hair when you started high school, didn't you, Kozono-san?"
"...Yes."
"Isn't that strange? What if they'd said you needed to have black hair?"
Kozono-san let out a little "uh", clearly stumped for the first time in this conversation.
If she was going to go all out, that's what you'd expect her to do. Shiori Yomiuri-san keeps up her long black-haired, traditional Japanese beauty aesthetic because she knows that's what everyone around her wants to see.
Yeah, Yomiuri-san is the sort of person who pulls stuff like that off naturally.
I didn't really know if she preferred the traditional Japanese beauty style or if she simply wanted to look beautiful. They were two different things. She might be like Professor Kudou, who likely wouldn't even care if leaves were stuck to her clothes. I feel like chronic bookworms often seem to have that trait.
So it kind of bugged me that Yomiuri-san didn't see through Kozono-san's tactics to make herself loveable… but, maybe that's not what I should be fixating on right now.
"You might not be consciously aware of it, but I think you know it in your heart, Kozono-san."
"What do you mean?"
"Pretending to like what the other person likes as if you like it yourself. Trying to get everything you want by behaving like that. There's no way that works. You didn't add those highlights to your hair just to get others to love you, did you?"
Kozono-san thought for a while after I pointed that out, and then seemed to give up.
"Someone said something similar to me."
Apparently Yomiuri-senpai had said something along those lines to her. She shared her reason—which was the same as the answer she gave back then. Her motives seemed slightly spiritual, and that's precisely why they felt so intensely real.
"I dyed my hair because I felt like the person reflected in the mirror wasn't me."
Despite having a job interview coming up and the risk of standing out too much.
"If you fail the interview, you can just look for another job, right?"
"...Yes."
"Doesn't that mean you're only doing it because you have to, Kozono-san? If you were actually serious, wouldn't you decide your hair color based on what those around you prefer?"
But she didn't want to do that. Kozono-san said she tried to adapt to others, but only up to a certain point. There were times when she didn't do that, which meant she wasn't using her love-me tactics purely for her own sake.
Like, if she wanted to be an actress in the future and was studying to do that, you could see it as her practicing for a role. And she'd probably change her appearance to fit that role, right?
"You were really eager to learn stuff at work, and even during the camp, you were eager to learn how to handle a knife in a way you'd never used it before. Was all that just to get people to love you?"
"Pretty much."
"Oh really? I thought both of those were just you showing your seriousness."
Kozono-san suddenly looked away.
"That's the thing I miscalculated about you, Ayase-san!"
She let out a sigh.
"What thing?"
"So, like… um, y'know, during the day camp the other day, I kinda started to like Asamura-senpai. Pretty seriously."
I found it odd that she brought up Asamura-kun right now, but I didn't want to interrupt her story, so let it go for now.
"And you're saying it wasn't for making a better environment for yourself or anything like?
"Yes. Because, look, when I was about to fall, he was watching and caught me, right?"
"Asamura-kun's kind, isn't he?"
"I thought if a cool guy like him protects me, maybe I don't need to force myself to fit in with others."
"A cool guy...?"
"Why do you sound so skeptical?"
"Sorry. Yeah, he's kind and reliable."
I'd pay that—I also thought he was cool back when he went all out to support his best friend. But for some unknown reason, whenever other people said Asamura-kun was cool, I found myself questioning it. Why is that, I wonder?
"But saying that means you know you're forcing yourself, doesn't it?"
"That's not important right now! The important thing is, if I'm serious about chasing after Asamura-senpai, I'd be worried about rivals."
"Ahh."
That solved the mystery of what she meant during the work break.
"So, that's why you asked 'Are you dating Asamura-senpai?'"
"Yep, exactly. If you were dating Asamura-senpai, you'd want to swat away any flies that come close, wouldn't you?"
Why's she so aggressive?
"So basically, if I try getting close to Asamura-senpai, you'll hate me."
Choosing one side meant alienating the other. She couldn't be friends with me and win over Asamura-kun at the same time.
"To be honest, until recently, I thought you didn't like me, Ayase-san. So, I figured, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to get closer to Asamura-senpai."
"Me hating you and Asamura-kun liking you are not the same thing."
"Ouch, hit me with the hard truth. Yeah, that's true. But you see, I think I've already secured my spot as the cute junior, dontcha think?"
"I guess so."
"Not buying it at all, huh, Senpai? Dammit."
"Well, you're free to make a move if you want."
"Can you stop with the 'you're free to do it' comebacks? It's fine, but you know. Anyway, that's why I was looking for a chance to get closer. And then, at the day camp, you suddenly started being nice. And just a while ago too. Like why praise me out of the blue? That's where I miscalculated."
Ohh, so that's what she meant by she miscalculated.
But as for me—
"I just gave credit where credit's due, that's all."
I finally felt like I was beginning to understand Kozono-san.
She was definitely the opposite of Maaya. Maaya was always looking out for the people around her, not for her own sake. She'd probably honed that sense of consideration from always taking care of her many younger brothers. Kozono-san, on the other hand, was more like me. Though, unlike me, who tried to distance myself from social circles, she just tried to survive within them. Even though our core personalities were the same, our differing stances—me deciding to live independently and her realizing she couldn't live independently—is what set us apart.
Kozono-san and I both placed our own environments as our top priority.
"To answer the earlier question—"
This wasn't something Asamura-kun and I had decided together. We hadn't come to an agreement. So, blurting it out all on my own probably wasn't the best move. Even still…
"Asamura-kun and I are dating. We're a couple[5]."
[5: She says koibito (恋人), which directly translates to "lover" or "sweetheart." However, here she is making a point to Erina that they are dating, and lover in native English doesn't necessarily mean you are dating someone]
Kozono-san spun to face me. Her small eyes stared up at me.
"It's… it's fine. I kinda guessed already. I wasn't planning on snatching him away or anything. It's free to have feelings, right? Though, legally, until you're actually married, I guess it's within the rules to try, at least in my opinion."
"So, you want to make a move?"
Kozono-san moved away from the wall. She tried to slip past me and keep walking.
"You probably already know, but I'm a total egotist. I probably won't lose to someone who's overly concerned with keeping the right distance and stressing over trivial stuff," she said, and headed for the exit.
"Confident words, yet you said 'probably'."
She turned back to face me, looking straight into my eyes.
I felt like today was the first time I'd made proper eye contact with her.
"I hate that about you, Ayase-senpai!" she said, sticking out her tongue as she left.
She left without another word.
"What a mess."
It looked like Asamura-kun and I had some figuring out to do.
Beyond the exit where Kozono-san left, the lights of the skyscrapers in the heart of Tokyo had already illuminated the dark night sky from below.
***
That night, I swapped LINE messages with Asamura-kun, but it was brief. I had things I wanted to talk to him about, but he mentioned needing to get up early… On second thought, he was probably in a phase where he wanted to focus on studying right now, so I backed down, thinking it was probably wrong to distract him with my personal stuff.
I think pulling back is the right move.
It was only day two of the camp—just two days I hadn't seen Asamura-kun—yet my heart felt like it had a gaping hole in it.
I want to see him. I want to hear his voice. I want to touch him.
A part of me wanted to say, "Why aren't you here now? I want you to be here."
Time ticked away as I lay in bed, tossing and turning, sleep eluding me. The digital clock by my pillow had ticked a few minutes forward each time I opened my eyes and looked at it.
Crap, I need to sleep, or I won't be able to get up in the morning.
I kept replaying my conversation with Kozono-san in my head. She said something along the lines of, "I'm an egotist, so I won't hold back when it comes to love," but if I were to say that, I'd also be showing my ego.
During our shopping trip, I remembered Asamura-kun and I discussing how we'd explain our relationship to Kozono-san. "Anyway, let's talk about this later when we have more time," we decided.
But I went ahead and spilled the beans to Kozono-san without talking to Asamura-kun about it first.
Analyzing my feelings at the time, I think I was afraid of what might happen if someone made a move on him. I hadn't realized that until then.
So, I just blurted out that we were dating.
I guess I'm quite an egotist too.
But I just can't show that side to Asamura-kun.
I'm totally lost when it comes to dealing with someone who's become an irreplaceable part of my life.
Is it okay to make demands? What happens if they aren't met?
The fear of our relationship getting awkward and falling apart scared me.
But, it feels like that's part of how love works… I guess.
Something like—I want to desire it, so I want you to desire it too.
In love, it seems like it won't work out until both sides actually express what they want, even before reaching mutual agreement.
If this was just some summer fling, it'd be simple. A beginning and end, and that's it.
But we're both siblings and lovers. Love weaves through our day-to-day lives, meaning it's not just a one-time thing, but continuous.
It's like we're living a love life, so to speak.
What should I do?
As I lay there worrying, my eyelids grew too heavy to lift, and I soon fell into the depths of sleep.