"A whole week, huh? I see… we won't see each other for a while."
I blurted that out as I walked beside Asamura-kun on our way to the station.
A week is so long. Too long.
Though I knew I shouldn't show it, the thought was overwhelming. And it wasn't like Asamura-kun was leaving to go have fun; he was off to a study camp to bury himself in books.
—Sixty percent of cheating partners do it with a coworker!
No, no, no. What are you thinking, Saki Ayase? Sure, people say a student's job is to study, but that's just a figure of speech. A metaphor. An exaggeration.
Studying's just studying. And there was no "coworker" in this scenario, was there? It was just him from our class going to this camp. Noone to cheat with. So, there was no reason for my mind to race with all these wild thoughts.
I was overthinking it. If I kept fretting over what he's doing or whether he's thinking of me every second, I'd wear myself out. I didn't want to be the kind of high-maintenance girl you'd find in a romance drama.
But I'll miss him.
Asamura-kun responded by assuring me he'd LINE me at night. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that messages and stickers alone weren't enough.
Instead, I found myself saying, "don't stress if you're too busy," practically the opposite of what I was feeling inside.
I knew how dedicated Asamura-kun had been with his studies since spring, because I'd been watching him closely. I, of course, intended to push myself too.
But it dawned on me that I'd never actually asked him about what university he wanted to get into. Somehow, we'd ended up not prying too much into each other's private lives, even though we were family.
No, maybe it's because we're family.
We were afraid to delve too deep and discover the true feelings of the person inside.
Asamura-kun's grades were already pretty good. So why the extra effort now? Personally, I'd set my sights on Tsukinomiya University. I knew to achieve that I needed to boost my average scores a bit more. I needed to dig into more past exam questions, especially for my weakest subject, modern literature.
"I still have a lot to improve on…"
Those words of self-doubt slipped from my lips before I could stop them.
"I have to work hard too," Asamura-kun responded, catching me off guard.
"Why?" I blurted out.
I watched Asamura-kun tilt his head, looking surprised.
I should be the one making that face.
"Like I said… why?"
"Huh, uh, what do you mean?"
"I personally have a university I wanna go to, and I think it'll be hard to get in with my current grades. That's why I'm pushing myself."
I hesitated for a moment before continuing.
"But why do you need to, Asamura-kun?"
"Uh, but—If you're working hard, Ayase-san, then I should be too."
Huh?
That didn't sit right with me.
"Isn't that kinda pointless? It seems a bit weird, doesn't it? I'm working hard for my own sake."
I understood working hard towards a goal. But the idea that Asamura-kun was working hard because I was? That didn't make sense to me.
Did that mean if I didn't push myself, he wouldn't either? And if he didn't, did that mean I didn't have to? That's weird, isn't it?
I didn't care whether Asamura-kun pushed himself or not. I wanted to get into Tsukinomiya for me, not him.
It wasn't something worth getting worked up over, yet I still felt bothered by what he said.
"Well, I'm doing it for myself too. Because if I'm not worthy of you, then…" Asamura-kun said, and the feeling inside me that something was off only grew.
"…Worthy?"
What does that even mean?
A haze of unease hung inside me. But just then, the scramble crossing leading to the station came into view. I shouldn't do this; dumping my mixed-up feelings on Asamura-kun right before he was about to buckle down and study. It'd just be a nuisance to him.
"Alright, I'll go do some shopping and head home—"
My goodbye was a bit cold, but I managed a smile to send him off.
"—Good luck with your studies."
"I'm off."
"Take care."
I turned on my heel, crossed the scramble crossing again, and retraced my steps back the way I came.
One week, huh?
Letting out a long sigh, I lost myself in thought.
What is it about what Asamura-kun said earlier that bothers me so much?
***
Caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, that tiny seed of doubt that'd taken root in my mind quickly faded away.
After finishing my shopping and heading home, I dove into my own exam prep, and before I knew it, it was time for work.
And, as luck would have it, it had to be on a day like this that I ended up working with—
"Ayase-senpai, hello. It's been a while since the day camp, hasn't it?"
"Hello, Kozono-san."
This is awkward. No, there shouldn't be anything to be nervous about, yet for some reason, I just couldn't quite figure out how to deal with this junior of mine, Erina Kozono. And that's even with Yomiuri-san endorsing her loveable personality.
It was probably because I'd been keeping my distance, and Kozono-san, sensing that, hadn't tried to get any closer. Even the tiny space between us behind the register felt miles wide.
This has been going on for a while now.
It was around 3 pm.
Customers had stopped coming in, probably because it was afternoon tea time.
There weren't any kids around, which should be the norm during summer vacation, and I hadn't used the cash register for a good ten minutes already.
Just as I was considering tidying up the shelves during the lull, Kozono-san suddenly spoke.
"Asamura-senpai isn't here today, is he?"
"Oh, yeah. He's off today."
"He doesn't seem to have many shifts for a while, do you know why?"
"He's at a study camp for cram school. Apparently he'll be gone for about a week."
Did I come off as too blunt?
I needed to bury my emotions more carefully under logical thinking. See, Kozono-san went quiet again. Awkward.
Hmm. It's not great for me, being two years older, to act this way.
Kozono-san hadn't done anything wrong, and it wasn't fair to treat her like she was a delicate object.
"Is that right? That's too bad..." Kozono-san murmured in a soft voice after being quiet for a little while.
"Are you that interested in Asamura-kun?"
…What am I even saying?
Was this conversation really heading in a direction that warranted asking that kind of question? What am I even asking—
"Is it okay to ask that kind of direct question when we're working?"
She got me there. My junior just schooled me.
"Just kidding. No, Senpai, if you make a sad face like that, it looks like I'm bullying you."
"Sorry."
"And you apologized too."
"Yeah... well, we are at work."
"But there's no one here."
The store was so quiet you could almost hear a pin drop, except for a junior high girl browsing the dictionary section. It was rare for the store to be this empty, even after the year I'd spent working here.
"Well... I am a bit curious," Kozono-san admitted.
I was about to ask "About what?" before realizing she was answering my earlier question.
Curious... about what exactly?
"Honestly, he was super reliable at the camp, and I kind of started to like him a bit. Just kidding."
That definitely made it sound like she was interested romantically.
Before I could even be surprised by that, I started to feel jealous about how open she was. She was two years younger than me, and had just become a high school student.
I wondered if I'd feel better if I could just outright say, "back off, he's my boyfriend," in situations like this. I envied Kozono-san's boldness.
"Senpai... your face, your face!"
"Wh-what?"
I frantically rubbed my cheeks with my hands. Was there something on my face?
"You're making a really intense face. Maybe you should go look in a mirror."
Huh?
Huuuh?
"But Asamura-senpai was really cool, wasn't he?"
"What?"
"Oh, I thought I made that a question."
"...Are you teasing me, Kozono-san?"
"'Course not. I mean, Asamura-senpai is really cool. Don't you ever think it'd be nice if a guy like him was your boyfriend? Like, to walk around with such an amazing boyfriend, being all lovey-dovey and showing off to everyone?"
"If your boyfriend is amazing, doesn't that mean the amazing part is about him, not you?"
"It's like pulling an SSR character in a gacha game. You'd want to take a screenshot and show it off on social media, right? Or like bragging about a brand-name bag you bought. But that would make it seem like you're treating your boyfriend like an object, which is a bit weird."
"Sorry, I don't really get it," I said, and got a "huh" from her in response.
Why am I getting "huh'ed"? Was what I said that strange?
Kozono-san didn't seem inclined to explain her reaction, and just then, the junior high girl who'd been browsing the dictionary shelf earlier timidly approached the register with a hefty Kanji dictionary, effectively ending our conversation.
"Welcome. Will this be all for you?"
"Yes."
"Do you need a bag for this?"
"Ah, I'm fine."
She showed me the tote bag she had hanging on her arm.
Oh, she's well-prepared, I thought with a smile. Then, with a shy and hesitant smile, the girl handed over the money. A Kanji dictionary at this time of year… maybe she was a first-year junior high student who'd missed buying one in spring? Maybe she thought she didn't need a dictionary, but then the end-of-term exams turned out to be more difficult than she expected, so she felt the need for one and hurriedly came to buy it? How cute.
After paying, she said thank you and left the bookstore.
Hmm. That's how junior highschoolers are, aren't they?
"What's up? You're staring so hard."
"I was just thinking it's amazing how much people can grow in a single year."
"Geez, Senpai, I've only been working here for a little over a month, y'know?"
Watching Kozono-san tilt her head in confusion, I smiled and nodded along. She really had just started high school. As her senpai, I should be more composed.
***
Tired from work, I climbed into bed early.
Just as I was about to fall asleep, my phone dinged.
It was from Asamura-kun.
I remembered I'd replied to his message from earlier that afternoon, letting me know he'd arrived at the camp.
The message said that he was making good progress since there wasn't anything else to do besides studying.
See, Saki? Asamura-kun went to the camp strictly for exam prep. There's nothing to worry about.
And here he was, still finding the time to check in on me.
Asked about my day, my exchange with Kozono-san came to mind unbidden. She had said she was interested in Asamura-kun. But obviously that wasn't something I could tell him.
After some thought, I simply told him my day was filled with studying and work, implying nothing significant had happened.
Yet, the truth was, I'd be working the same shift with Kozono-san again tomorrow. The thought of facing the same awkward atmosphere made me dread it, though I also despised feeling gloomy over such trivial stuff.
The lingering anxiety caused by those small triggers still hung around. I wished I could outgrow my immaturity already. I was two years older than her for Pete's sake. How many more years would it take for me not to be affected by trivial stuff?
"It's amazing how much people can grow in a single year."
That'd come from my own mouth, but I didn't feel like I'd grown at all.
Like a bamboo leaf boat floating on the waves, I'm easily overturned by the slightest breeze.
I couldn't see an end to this fragile phase, and I couldn't help wondering how everyone else managed to become adults.
Lost in those thoughts, I drifted off to sleep.