After quickly fixing my hair in front of the mirror, I gave my reflection a nod of approval.
Then, I headed to the kitchen to whip up some breakfast.
Weekends, and summer vacation, meant that I could take my time making breakfast, which was nice. Plus, Taichi-san, my Stepdad, tended to take it easy waking up.
I tied my hair back and fastened the apron strings around me. Alright then.
It'd been a while since it was my turn to cook.
Asamura-kun always preferred light meals for breakfast, and since he had work later, I figured something simple would do the trick.
Then I remembered, just before bed last night, he'd told me, "You don't have to make breakfast for me tomorrow. I wanna get some studying done. Just toast for me."
Oh right, he's not eating much. In that case—
I put the loaf of bread (cut into eight slices) on the dining table so it was easy to grab. With that done, I decided to whip something up for me and Taichi-san.
As I was dishing out the salad onto a deep plate, I heard Asamura-kun getting up. I decided to toast the bread and make some coffee while he was freshening up in the bathroom.
Pouring the coffee, I stared at the lonely piece of toast on the plate.
This probably isn't enough nutrition on its own.
I had a brain wave and pulled open the fridge. I took out some thin sliced ham and cheese and slapped it on the toast. I wanted to add some veggies too, but didn't want it to be a hassle for him to eat with one hand.
Damn, I should've just made a sandwich instead.
As I kicked myself for not doing that, Asamura-kun came in, and just like he said he would, he only grabbed the toast and coffee before saying he was heading back to his room. Did he make that face because he was surprised to see the ham and cheese on top?
Taichi-san seemed worried that it wasn't enough breakfast, and Asamura-kun obediently replied that he'd be careful. He's really caring, isn't he?
"You sure one slice is enough? Should I bring you something else?"
But Asamura-kun insisted it was plenty and even said he'd take care of the dishes. Honestly though, it's actually easier for me when he doesn't eat as much, because I have fewer plates to wash. I told him as much, and watched him retreat to his room.
"I'm glad he's studying, but I'm worried he might ruin his health, you know," Taichi-san said quietly, and I nodded in agreement.
"Does him being so motivated mean he's found something he wants to do? Did he mention anything to you, Saki?"
I found myself at a loss for words.
What was Asamura-kun aiming for in the future? I couldn't remember him ever mentioning anything… But, he was studying so hard, so there must've been something he wanted to achieve.
"He hasn't told me anything."
"Well, it's good that he's motivated," Taichi-san repeated.
I wonder if there's a reason for him to be worried.
"Is there something you're worried about?"
"Hm? Yeah, well…"
Taichi-san opened up a bit while we sipped on tea.
It turned out Asamura-kun's biological mother was an education obsessed mom[1].
[[1] Saki uses the expression Kyouiku mama (教育ママ) here, which literally means "education mama," a term used in Japan to describe a mother who is very focused on her children's education. It usually results in the child having a lot of pressure put on them from a young age]
She pushed him to take elementary school entrance exams, and the same for junior high too[2].
[[2] Usually Japanese kids go to a public school that doesn't have an entrance exam, but Yuuta's mother wanted him to go to private elementary and junior high schools, which require an entrance exam]
"I didn't care about that much since I went through public school myself. But she had a tough time with it and wanted more for him."
"So that's what happened, huh?" I replied, not fully getting her way of thinking either.
I went to a public school all the way through to the end of junior high too. My family wasn't rich enough for me to go to private elementary and junior high schools.
"But, Yuuta didn't have the knack for studying. He tried his best to meet the expectations, but ended up failing and going to public school."
I tilted my head in puzzlement at the odd phrase "knack for studying."
"But I think Yuuta-niisan is pretty smart, isn't it?"
"I'd like to think so. Well, that might be a parent's wishful thinking though."
"No, that's not true."
"Thanks. But yeah, he was all over the place with grades back in elementary school."
That was surprising to me.
Taichi-san explained how failing those exams really hit Asamura-kun hard and he became sulky. Worried that he'd grow to hate learning altogether, Taichi-san tried to cheer him up by taking him around a bunch of places—the zoo, museums, libraries, and so on.
He didn't want to pressure Asamura-kun; he just hoped that learning could be something other than a pain for him.
It just so happened that one of those places sparked an interest in him—the library. More specifically, Asamura-kun developed an interest in novels. He transformed into a kid who wouldn't let go of books.
But Asamura-kun's biological mother wasn't the biggest fan of this.
"What? Why? I think being able to enjoy reading is amazing."
I struggled a lot with understanding novels until I got the hang of it. If he was already diving into regular books and not just picture books at that young age, I'd say that was a pretty good alternative to studying.
"She was the type who thought if he was reading, it should be textbooks. She didn't look too happy when Yuuta was reading stories about colorful striped dragons, or strong girls wearing big socks, or a boy wizard with a scar on his forehead. She said they were all nonsense."
Although Asamura-kun learned to read early, his grades in elementary school were up and down. That led to him flunking junior high entrance exams.
By then, Taichi-san and Asamura-kun's biological mother had grown apart emotionally, ending in divorce.
Ironically, though, continuing his reading habit into junior high boosted his critical thinking skills, and Asamura-kun's grades began to noticeably improve.
"I think having more knowledge and being able to organize and apply it to problems in front of him made a difference."
"Does that mean he got better at studying?"
"I'm not sure if that's the right way to put it... Ah, maybe it's more like he learned how to use his brain."
"That kinda makes sense when you put it like that."
And so, Asamura-kun nailed the Suisei High entrance exam.
"But I remember his elementary and junior high exams. He'd study so much he'd skip meals, pushing himself too hard. I see shades of that version of him now…"
After slurping his tea, Taichi let out a long sigh.
"I wonder why he started pushing himself so hard. Don't get me wrong, as a parent I'm happy my son is so diligent, but it's pointless if he ruins his health. Saki-chan, do you have any idea why he's like this?"
I shook my head. I didn't have a clue.
But seeing Taichi's worried face made me feel like I had to say something.
"Oh, but he's been talking about going camping with me and our coworkers."
Taichi-san looked up at me with a "Hmm?"
"We haven't set a date yet. Um, but I was planning to ask for permission later. Oh, it's just a day trip. We'll just go, have a barbecue, and come back."
"That sounds nice. Yeah. Very nice."
"I was gonna tell you once it was all decided. Um… so, is it okay if we go?"
I figured I should've talked it over with Asamura-kun first before bringing it up together, but I had a strong urge to clear away Taichi-san's gloomy expression. But then, what if he shoots it down right now?
"Of course you can go. It's important to take a break once in a while."
I felt relief wash over me.
I promised to share the detailed plans and location later. I needed to tell Asamura-kun that I'd brought up the camping trip ASAP.
"If only he could learn to relax a bit more."
"I'll keep an eye on him."
Taichi-san looked over his shoulder at me while taking his teacup to the sink.
"And you shouldn't overdo it either, Saki-chan. Make sure to take breaks too," he said, looking serious.
I'd lost count of how many times I'd thought it, but my Mom really did find a good partner. Warmth spread through my chest.
"I'll try not to push myself too hard, Stepdad," I replied with a nod.
Taichi-san's eyes narrowed and he smiled happily.
***
I closed the door to my room, a place I'd grown completely used to by now.
As the sound of the knob turning faded away, I let out a quiet sigh.
I sat down at my desk and spread out my study materials, thinking back on my earlier conversation with Taichi-san.
Maybe I was pushing myself too hard. Maybe I should take it easy for a bit.
It was like the words he'd said out of concern for Asamura-kun were meant for the me from last year. I was definitely overdoing it back then.
Meeting Yuuta Asamura due to our parents' remarriage had made it impossible for me to go back to living life the way I did before. His presence had just become too big a part of my life.
But it was also Asamura-kun who saved me from the way I was back then.
I couldn't do something as simple as going to the pool with friends—something anyone could do—back then. I couldn't imagine inviting others to things myself, and the only friend who would invite me was Maaya. And I even stubbornly tried to refuse her invitation.
Asamura-kun had patiently reached out to me at the time. And on one hot summer day, I played around in the water with Maaya, Asamura-kun, and some of Maaya's friends I was meeting for the first time. Despite a bunch of strangers being there, I managed to have a good time and felt more at ease.
If Asamura-kun is under the same kind of stress I was back then, I want to be the one to help him relax.
A thought surfaced all of a sudden. Maybe Yomiuri-senpai sensed how stressed Asamura-kun was and that's why she'd acted like a spoiled kid wanting to go camping. If so, shouldn't I have been the first one to notice? I am his girlfriend, after all.
The thought made me feel a little down, but if the camp could give him a breather, it didn't matter who invited him.
Ultimately, Asamura-kun agreed to go camping because Yomiuri-senpai asked. And then, Kozono-san, the newbie at work, said she wanted to go too, so I ended up having no choice but to go as well.
I mean, well, you know—just the thought of someone else soothing his stress bugged me a bit.
I hated this ugly jealousy, but knowing that didn't make the feeling go away.
Inviting someone to hang out myself, huh?
My phone made a silly boop sound. A message from Maaya.
I ran my eyes over it. It was an invitation to a fireworks festival happening in about two weeks. She suggested we both invite some friends and go watch it together.
"She really is such a social butterfly…"
The timing of her message was uncanny, as if she was reading my mind. I shook my head, half-expecting to find surveillance cameras, though I knew that wasn't the case.
Boop.
Hm?
Maaya: [You should invite Asamura-kun too, of course!]
There's no way she's actually spying on me, is there?
"Okay, okay," I muttered as I started to reply, then paused, thinking.
Going as a group. Sure, that's nice too. Like the pool outing last year, and the upcoming camping trip with our coworkers. We also went to watch Maru-kun's game together as a big group.
But, it wouldn't be just the two of us—Asamura-kun and me.
With this little time left of our high school years, this last summer, I wanted to make memories that were ours alone.
That being so, shouldn't I hold off on joining Maaya and the others?
Just the two of us. The thought made my heart race. But…
Saki:[Give me some time to reply.]
I shot off that short message.
Inviting him to hang out myself. The reason I shied away from it was a fear of rejection.
…No that's not quite it.
It feels like a reality check that I'm not good enough. But honestly, someone saying no to an invite isn't a big deal (though it can be). Everyone's got their own schedules, maybe plans with others, or just needed some alone time.
That's me to a tee. Turning down invitations from Maaya was pretty much routine, and if things were going well I accepted even one out of ten invites...
I suddenly felt very inconsiderate. Maaya invites me over and over again, never giving up. Maybe she's a reincarnated saint or something.
Maybe I should accept her invitations more often... No, wait, I'm getting sidetracked. I mean yeah, being turned down doesn't mean I'm being rejected myself.
I hate this lack of confidence.
Why did my fear of rejection always come first? It's like a broken record.
I wanted to muster up the courage and ask Asamura-kun to the fireworks festival. Say something like, "There's a fireworks show... Wanna go with just the two of us?"
If he said yes, I'd apologize and turn down Maaya's invitation.
I got up from my chair and found myself walking to Asamura-kun's door. Standing there, I took a deep breath and I practiced what I'd say in my head a few times—"Wanna watch the fireworks alone together?"
Pumping myself up, I was about to knock when I froze, fist still raised.
Oh right, Asamura-kun is studying.
He holed up in his room wanting to get ahead before work. He had his study camp coming up too, and the camping trip he'd agreed to—provided it wasn't an overnight thing.
Thinking it over, maybe Asamura-kun didn't want to waste his study time on yet another outing?
Hesitation crept in. But it's not good to push yourself too hard either… so this could be for Asamura-kun's own good.
But then again, I might've just been assuming Asamura-kun was pushing himself too hard.
Maybe I'm just trying to cover up my own loneliness by making this suggestion? Isn't that selfish? I didn't want to steal his precious time just because I felt that way. But the thought of having no summer memories with him was unbearable.
Just then, I heard the sound of a chair move and someone standing up, followed by footsteps heading towards the door.
Panic set in. I hadn't made up my mind about asking him yet. I lowered my fist and quietly slinked away, praying he wouldn't hear my footsteps. I dashed back into my own room, which had the door open, grabbed the knob, and carefully inched it closed without making a sound. I slowly let go of the knob, and it returned to its original position with a faint click.
I heard Asamura-kun's footsteps pattering down the hallway. Phew. He probably headed towards the kitchen.
"He didn't notice me, right?"
I put my hand on my racing heart. As I sat on my chair, my heart rate slowly returning to normal, the realization hit me that I didn't need to run away.
The next thing I knew, it was almost time for work, so I hurriedly got ready.
"Yuuta-niisan, I'm ready to go, are you?"
I left my room innocent faced and called out to Asamura-kun in the kitchen. Then we left the flat at the same time as yesterday.
***
Halfway through my shift, Shiori Yomiuri and Kozono-san, who'd finished early, headed to the changing room.
Only Kozono-san came back, asking for help to pick out camping gear. It felt like she specifically sought out Asamura-kun, though I tried to tell myself it was all in my head.
Self-consciousness? Overthinking? Maybe.
Or maybe it was because I had a bit of a hang-up about Kozono-san, and she sensed it, choosing to rely on Asamura-kun instead.
If so, I feel bad. I should've been the most reliable senpai to her, given I was a girl too and close in age, but I wasn't.
At the same time, though, part of me felt annoyed that she had to make it so obvious… No, wait. Maybe it's just my distorted way of seeing things that makes me feel that way. It's just that, you know, Asamura-kun happened to be one step closer to her than I was…
When Kozono-san asked for help, Asamura-kun shot a glance my way to gauge my reaction.
I blurted out an excuse to join in.
"Asamura-kun. I was also looking for the same info, can you help me too?"
I positioned myself on the opposite side from Kozono-san as we set off toward the outdoor section.
Kozono-san and Asamura-kun were walking so close that their shoulders were practically touching, and I nearly yanked Asamura-kun away to the other side without thinking. Seeing Kozono-san so openly close to Asamura-kun stirred a nagging jealousy in me.
When she handed Asamura-kun a book and magazine he recommended, I grabbed copies myself.
When I went to pay for the book, I saw Yomiuri-senpai—who was meant to have finished her shift—back behind the counter, reminding me I was still on the clock.
Though I was technically on break, snagging my own books wasn't the best look, now was it? Especially right in front of a junior. Feeling a bit down, I went to return the book to the shelf. I'd memorized all the titles anyway. I figured I could grab them after my shift; it's not the type of thing that sells out.
Kozono-san left, and Yomiuri-senpai, who'd forgotten to finish up something, did the same not long after. Our shift wrapped up a couple hours later.
Walking home with Asamura-kun, I replayed the day's events in my mind.
Kozono-san, scattering her cute, small-animal-like gestures this way and that, definitely seemed like the type to be "loveable by just breathing," just as Yomiuri-senpai said.
I couldn't see myself being that way. Being loveable. I can't say I've ever had that quality. Or that I've somehow managed to pick it up.
Even when it came to fashion, I aimed for a sort of keep-your-distance vibe, not the other way around.
For me, fashion and makeup were a form of armament[3], not allure. Like when my nails are perfectly polished, and the sparkly sheen makes me feel stronger. Or when my outfit is just right, and I can strut into places I usually dread, feeling like there's a backbone holding me up.
[[3] Saki uses 武装 (busou) metaphorically here. Busou can include both defensive gear, like armor, or offensive weapons. In previous volumes (including the licensed translation) it was unclear what she meant by this. In essence, I think she's arming herself (as if for battle), to both defend herself and go on the offensive as each social situation dictates]
It's about feeling strong and standing tall on my own.
That's my "armament."
I do want appreciation for my fashion skills, but I don't see them as tools for being loveable.
I picked up makeup and fashion from my Mom, but in the end, she lost my biological father's love.
It's all give and take. I'm of the mind that the world works on an exchange basis. To get love, you've gotta give something in return.
But then… How is it that my Mom lost his love even after dedicating her success to him—becoming the main breadwinner by bartending and keeping us afloat after my father's business tanked, losing his job and income? It almost seems like she lost it because she gave too much.
So then… what the heck do you have to give to get love? Or is it just something you're born with, like Kozono-san, where it just happens without you trying?
What do I need to give for Asamura-kun to love me? Thinking about it, I should've just asked him straight up instead of stewing over it. That really needed to be cleared up between us.
Still, back then, I couldn't step back and look at us from the outside. Love is blind, as they say.
After getting home and eating dinner, I flopped down on my bed. I'd already taken a bath, finished my exam study drills, and now all that was left was to sleep.
〖Getting guys to love you〗
While fighting my heavy eyelids, I found myself googling something I shouldn't have on my still-plugged-in phone.
A whole list of results popped up.
…There's so many. "How to be loved by men" and "Essentials for being loved," the kind of searches that catch your eye but also reek of scam.
If it weren't for the fact I was about to sleep, or if my brain wasn't mush from tiredness, I might've ended up going down that rabbit hole. It's the kind of thing that normally would've made me feel embarrassed.
But Erina Kozono-san would be at the camp, someone Yomiuri-senpai said was naturally loveable. And today, she was really close to Asamura-kun.
No, trying to downplay the situation by saying it's just Kozono-san or something doesn't make any sense.
Even if Kozono-san was out of the picture, if another cute girl popped up next to Asamura-kun, I'd be back to feeling the same way. Logically, there's no dodging it.
On a rational level, I get that, but…
Just then, one article in the search results caught my eye.
『Common misunderstandings between men and women』
My heart skipped a beat. I started reading through it.
『When you're aiming to communicate, asking for opinions as if you want a solution makes the other person think they're being asked for a solution and will try to find one on their own. If the purpose is communication itself, asking for an opinion can be a negative thing.』
It was a bit wordy and hard to grasp at first. It took me a few reads, but it finally clicked.
Basically, it meant don't go looking for logical agreement when you're trying to get on the same page emotionally.
When I'm wanting to set my mind at ease, what I want is to share my feelings, not dig into the why's or how's.
Say I went up to Asamura-kun with, "I feel anxious seeing another girl next to you!" Him coming back with, "Okay, then I won't work at places with women then," wouldn't cut it.
That'd give me peace in a logical sense, but wouldn't resolve the anxious feeling I had. Because I already knew it was an irrational emotion.
Those kinds of feelings aren't fair, and it's unreasonable to expect a new part-timer not to rely on their senpai.
But feelings don't listen to logic.
That's why so many couples end up arguing and breaking up, without even realizing this.
I got the point, but also, that mix-up seems to happen because whoever started the conversation doesn't lay out what they're really after.
But, I mean, how I'm supposed to share this feeling with him is beyond me.
Misunderstandings, huh…
If it looks like we're heading in that direction, I'll be careful—I think.
That was my conclusion as my eyelids grew heavy and the soft embrace of sleep took me.