There is no such happy person who is loved just by existing—why do you think so?
───
The third and final summer vacation of my high school life had begun.
I was walking towards Shibuya Station, where the bookstore I worked at could be found.
Ayase-san, my step-sister and also my girlfriend, was walking beside me. We weren't exactly holding hands, but we were close enough for the backs of them to brush occasionally.
Shibuya Station square spread out before us. The sky above it was blue, and though it was only morning, it was hot, with the sun's rays already beating down. The glare reflected off the asphalt alone was enough to hurt my eyes.
"Asamura-kun?"
Ayase-san's voice brought me back to the present with a start.
I realized then that the scramble crossing traffic light had turned green, and Ayase-san had started walking. I hurried to catch up with her.
We crossed and entered the bookstore.
As I walked into the building, I was wrapped in cool air, making the oppressive heat outside feel nonexistent. I let out a relieved sigh.
After swapping into my uniform in the men's changing room, I popped into the office. There, another part timer who was on the earlier shift, sat eating lunch. It was the new girl, uh… Erina Kozono-san. I hadn't seen her for a hot minute as our shifts hadn't lined up.
"Hey, Kozono-san."
"Asamura-senpai, hello!"
"Are you on summer vacation too, Kozono-san?"
"Yes! You too, Asamura-senpai?"
I nodded.
"You were on the early shift, huh?"
"Yes, so I'll be leaving soon. It's a shame you're just starting, Senpai. I kinda wish I'd taken a later shift. There's still so much I want to learn from you," Kozono-san said with a friendly smile.
"There's nothing left for you to learn from me, Kozono-san. The manager even complimented you for being a quick learner."
"That's not true though."
"Hello," Ayase-san said as she opened the door and walked in.
"Ah... Ayase-senpai, hello."
"Huh, oh, um, hello Kozono-san."
That's odd, I thought.
I couldn't be sure because I'd quickly turned around when Ayase-san came in, but when I glanced back, the usually cheerful Kozono-san seemed a little more reserved, and her voice sounded quieter than normal.
Ayase-san also sounded a bit hesitant.
"What's going on? What's up?"
Hearing another voice, I turned around again. Ayase-san quickly stepped aside to reveal Yomiuri-senpai, wearing the store's uniform and also holding a bento. Guess she's on her lunch break too.
"Ooh, would ya look at that, all the Yomiuri juniors are here."
She said it like she was talking about a sports team.
True, though. Kozono-san, Ayase-san, and I were all Yomiuri-senpai's juniors at work.
"Being surrounded by young and energetic juniors makes me feel younger too," she said, putting her bento down on the long table.
She poured herself some tea at the dispenser with practiced hands, before taking a seat.
Ayase-san and I had about ten minutes before our shift started, so we sat down too.
"Yeeep, the aura of youth sure is blinding. Basking in the glow of my juniors is a real pick-me-up. It's like the elixir of youth. It's the perfect side dish for my lunch, don't you reckon?"
"Should we start calling you Carmilla-senpai or something?"
"Don't you worry, I won't suck your blood! Ah, but if I were Carmilla, you'd be safe, Asamura-kun."
"I don't think that's the issue here."
Carmilla was a female vampire who preyed on beautiful young girls. Not that I want to be a beautiful young girl or am unhappy with not being treated as one, mind you.
Ayase-san and Kozono-san, apparently not that into fantasy literature, both tilted their heads in confusion at the same angle.
Yomiuri-senpai's jokes were, as usual, too niche, more often leading to head scratching rather than laughs. Though, it was rare for her to crack those kinds of jokes with anyone who wouldn't get them (except when she was trying to confuse them).
Sure enough, I was the only one to smile, albeit wryly.
"I don't really get it, but, um, thank you very much, I suppose."
Kozono-san bowed her head, and Yomiuri-senpai seized the chance to pat the head of the junior sitting next to her.
"So cuuute. You don't need to get it. Your onee-chan[1] will teach you step by step, hand by hand, and even waist by waist, okay?"
[TL/N: [1] She's calling herself onee-chan (big sister) here in a playful way]
"Y-yes."
"That's some Showa-era[2] level sexual harassment. Definitely against workplace laws."
[TL/N: [2] Showa era (1926-1989). I assume Yuuta is referring to the latter, post-WW2 half when he mentions sexual harassment]
"I just mention the word 'waist' and you think it's dirty? My, how lewd, Junior-kun."
Who's the lewd one here? Yomiuri-senpai, as always, spouted dirty jokes as naturally as breathing. While I wanted to accept her senpai-like quirks, I wasn't really keen on learning from this aspect of her.
The strange tension that'd filled the air when Ayase-san came in had pretty much dissipated, though whether or not that was an effect of Yomiuri-senpai's efforts was anyone's guess.
"Well, enough about that. More importantly, Junior-kun, have you gotten a tan since I last saw you?" Yomiuri-senpai said with a sly smile, making a tiny magnifying glass with her thumb and index finger.
"Have I?"
I didn't think I'd gotten noticeably tanned. I didn't see any difference when I looked in the mirror anyway. Yomiuri-senpai stared at me intently, then turned her gaze to Ayase-san next to me and did the same thing.
"Maybe just a little bit, but you can't fool the eyes of this great detective. C'mon, fess up. You're about as tanned as Saki-chan, which means you two went somewhere together, didn't ya?"
Despite feeling oddly accused, I decided to explain.
"We went to support our school's baseball team at the Koshien district qualifiers."
"Saki-chan went too, huh? You two are as close as ever."
"Well, we are classmates."
I had to be careful not to deny things too much here. After all, we were closer when we were outside. Ayase-san, by keeping up the act of being a stranger when we were together, ended up creating a bit of turmoil in her heart.
Catching my drift, Ayase-san added, "Lots of people from our class went too. It was a match where a mutual friend of ours was giving it his all."
There was a hint of embarrassment in her voice, and if someone really wanted to, they could've read more into it. Luckily, though, Yomiuri-senpai didn't probe any further.
"That's so nice~. Being in the same high school sounds so enviable," Kozono-san said.
She didn't seem to be implying anything more than that.
But Yomiuri-senpai took the chance to jump in right as Kozono-san finished speaking.
"I know right!? Makes you super jelly, doesn't it!?"
"Yes. I'm jealous. Are you knowledgeable about baseball, Asamura-senpai?"
"Not particularly. Just an average amount I guess."
"I don't know anything about it. I wish I could have gone with you to learn more."
"Junior-kun and Saki-chan are good at explaining things, aren't they? You can feel it when they teach you, right?"
"Umm… Yes."
"Totally, totally. Ahh, I wish I could've gone to high school with you guys."
Holding her chopsticks, Yomiuri-senpai shook her head and pouted childishly, despite the fact she was a talented student attending the prestigious Tsukinomiya Women's University. She kept glancing at me, seemingly trying to communicate something with her eyes.
I sighed. Clearly she was about to ask me for a favor.
"Say what you want, Yomiuri-senpai, but you're not just a uni student, but also about to become a working adult. You can't go back to your high school days now, can you?"
"That's why I wish to cherish the time that remains," she said like some heroine out of a drama.
"How exactly do you want to cherish it?"
"I wanna go to the beach, and have a barbecue."
"You do know I'm taking uni entrance exams this year?"
"But this is my last year at this job, y'know? My last summer memories?"
"What, you're quitting, Yomiuri-senpai?"
A look of surprise crossed Kozono-san's face, quickly followed by sadness.
Come to think of it, I never mentioned that to her. Her reaction suggested she must've grown pretty attached to Yomiuri-senpai in the past month and a half. And sure, it'd definitely be sad to have no memories of the last summer with the senpai who'd taken me under her wing…
"You don't have to invite me, Yomiuri-senpai. There are plenty of other part-timers you can ask, aren't there?"
Yomiuri-senpai was the longest-serving student part-timer at the store. Hearing me point that out, she deliberately staggered, dramatically leaning over as if she was about to faint. Kozono-san hurried to hold her up.
No need to do that, it's just an act.
"No way, I'm not looking at it like that, okay? I totally wasn't thinking that you'd be the easiest to sway, Asamura-kun, and if I just tempt you a bit, you'll probably say yes. Orrr that you're a caring person, so you'll probably handle all the bothersome stuff too. Orrr that if you're in, it'll be a breeze, and I bet I could reel in all the other juniors too. Toootally wasn't thinking anything like that at all!"
"Could you at least try to hide your true intentions a bit?"
I let out an exasperated sigh.
This girl, seriously.
"See, see! Look at those puppy dog eyes Little Garden-chan[3] is making. It's like she's saying, 'I wanna hang out more with senpai'."
[TL/N: She deliberately says her name as "Little Garden-chan", written in katakana as "リトルなガーデンちゃん." Kozono is spelt with the Kanji's 小, meaning small/little and 園, meaning garden; though as mentioned in Volume 9 園 is usually spelt その(sono) but when 小 is added before it, it's spelt ぞの(zono)]
"If it's not a bother, I'd like to go somewhere with you, Yomiuri-senpai, and Asamura-senpai too!"
"Oooh, what a lovely girl," Yomiuri-senpai said, embracing Kozono-san's head and rubbing it affectionately.
She shot glances at me again.
I crossed my arms and groaned. Well, she had helped me a lot, so maybe hanging out with her for a day wouldn't be too bad. While mulling it over, I threw a glance Ayase-san's way, wondering what she thought.
Hmm? What kind of emotion is that?
Ayase-san was watching Yomiuri-senpai and Kozono-san with an expression that you might call jealousy.
I remembered how Ayase-san had once pretended not to be interested in the pool, even though she liked it. That was almost a year ago. Maybe she also liked the beach and barbecues too.
It's a possibility.
"It's true Yomiuri-senpai has taken care of us, but..." I glanced at Ayase-san, silently asking her opinion.
"Since Yomiuri-senpai has helped me a lot, I guess… I wouldn't mind."
Apparently Ayase-san wasn't entirely opposed to making memories with Yomiuri-senpai either.
Balance in everything is important, and taking breaks is essential. And more than that, I realized during the sports festival that there are joys and experiences that you can only get by taking a step forward. Though Yomiuri-senpai described me as a "caring" person, I think of myself as a homebody and a tad lazy. I prefer staying in my room reading books, so the idea of being caring is a big misunderstanding.
While watching Kozono-san, a small animal-like girl sitting next to Yomiuri-senpai, the OG small animal girl came to mind—Ayase-san's friend Maaya Narasaka-san.
Isn't the term "caring" meant for someone like her? She ran around a lot for Maru's sake and even organized a cheering squad to go to the stadium during summer vacation. Narasaka-san's care for others comes with both planning skills and the ability to take action.
Even for the pool meetup last summer, I merely went along with Narasaka-san's plan, and I could count on one hand the number of times I'd invited Ayase-san somewhere myself. Thinking about it, my own laziness almost brought me to tears.
Plus, it's not like I didn't want to make summer memories with Yomiuri-senpai, and Ayase-san too. No, let's be honest, I really do want them.
"Well, a trip is definitely out of the question, but I could at least plan a barbecue nearby."
Yomiuri-senpai suddenly turned to me, her eyes sparkling.
"Wow! When did Junior-kun rack up so much good virtue?"
"You know, If you keep messing around, I might change my mind."
"No, no, just kidding! Yayyy! A day camp barbecue!"
"Day camp... so, like a camping trip just for one day?"
Yomiuri-senpai, with a beaming smile, explained that it was the latest trend. That really true?
"A-ah, I wanna go too! I wanna have a camp barbecue!"
Kozono-san was the first one to jump on board.
"Whoa. Newbie-chan is pretty assertive, huh?"
"It's about making memories with my senpai!"
"Hmm. And which senpai is that?"
"Wha–?"
"Nah, it's nothing, really nothing. Don't worry your little head. But Newbie-chan, you really have such cute reactions. You're a genius at being loveable. You're so cute that just by breathing, you're already loveable!"
I noticed Kozono-san's expression stiffen slightly when Yomiuri-senpai said that. It was just for a second, and she quickly regained her smile.
"No way, that's not true at all. Yomiuri-senpai, you're praising me too much!"
I figured from the way her face hardened that Kozono-san didn't like being told she was loveable just by existing. It seemed to bother her, though she quickly masked her feelings since she was dealing with a senpai. But Yomiuri-senpai also wasn't the type to thoughtlessly offend someone she was talking to… I wonder why she deliberately said something like that.
Keeping her smile plastered on, Kozono-san added, "I actually put a lot of effort into being loveable, you know."
Yomiuri-senpai gave her a knowing nod, as if she'd cottoned on to something.
"Well, I've got a pretty good idea of what's going on. So, I guess I'll step in and lend a hand too, 'kay?"
"Um... so if you're going to lend a hand, does that mean you'll help with the planning too, senpai?"
"Nah, I'll leave that entirely up to Junior-kun as he already agreed to take care of it~" Yomiuri-senpai said while playfully sticking out her tongue.
This girl.
I slumped my shoulders at having the whole thing dumped on me, eliciting genuine smiles from both Kozono-san and Ayase-san.
Still, since Yomiuri-senpai had brought up the idea, she agreed to research potential locations for the day camp. We could finalize the details once she found a suitable place. We also needed to ask other part-timers if they wanted to join, but a big event might be difficult without leaving gaps in the shift schedule. Taking the entire staff would likely result in a stern talking to from the manager later.
Fortunately, my exam prep had been going pretty well lately. Taking a little time away from it by going on a day camp seemed manageable. Plus, I figured the time lost on studying would be offset by a bit of stress relief.
"What about you, Ayase-san?"
I didn't want to assume she'd join just because she seemed interested, considering she had exams too. There's a certain etiquette, even among close friends. I had to make sure.
"If you're going, Asamura-kun," she said, agreeing.
I checked something with Yomiuri-senpai.
"We can't stay out too late, so we'll go, eat, and come back. That okay?"
"Of course!"
Seeing Yomiuri-senpai's happy face, I decided to go ahead with the plan. I'd reduced my work hours to attend more cram school classes, so my free time was limited. My last summer of high school life was shaping up to be a busy one.
***
We were on our way home after knocking off.
The long day had finally ended, giving way to the darkness of night. But the heat still persisted, probably meaning another humid night. The air felt heavy and sticky, making it feel like I was wading through water with every step. Ayase-san, walking beside me, seemed a bit out of breath too.
"You okay? Let's get home quickly and cool off under the air con."
Ayase-san nodded and lightly wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. Maybe the sweat trickling down her face had stung her eye, as she squinted with one eye.
"But, Asamura-kun, you sure you can handle planning the barbecue? When does your study camp start again?"
"From August 2nd. It's still more than a week away, so it should be fine."
I was set to participate in a study camp organized by my cram school. It was an environment where I could concentrate on my exam studies without any distractions. It was only for a week, but being in a place with nothing but studying to do, I hoped to get ahead of my rivals.
"I see. We won't see each other for a week."
"Well, I definitely want to have the barbecue before the camp. Yomiuri-senpai said she'll look into the location—oh."
Just then, my phone vibrated..
Pulling it out, I saw it was a message from Yomiuri-senpai. Speak of the devil. Quickly glancing over it, it seemed she'd found some options for day camp locations suitable for a barbecue. Efficient as always.
"Yomiuri-senpai?"
"Yeah. She's found some places. Once we decide, she said she'll make a reservation."
Yomiuri-senpai and Kozono-san had an earlier shift, so they left soon after we started ours, meaning we hadn't had a chance to hash out the details since then. I had the impression that camping usually requires reservations months in advance, so I looked it up thinking we'd need to go on a cancellation waiting list. But found that some places accept last-minute bookings, and there are even spots for day camping that don't require reservations at all.
I guess there's always a gap between perception and reality. It's important not to jump to conclusions about anything.
A breeze blew as we passed through the park. The leaves rustled with a whispering sound, making me forget the heat for a second. I took a deep breath.
I turned my head toward a barking sound, and saw a person walking a puppy through the park. As we passed by, the puppy seemed to want to come towards us, prompting the owner, a woman, to hurriedly pick it up. She apologized and bowed her head, but both of us smiled and said it was alright. When Ayase-san commented on how cute the puppy was, the woman smiled happily through half-closed eyes. After bowing deeply again, she continued on her way with puppy in tow.
"It was cute, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it was."
That small, white, fluffy puppy was undeniably adorable—anyone would have said so.
I suddenly remembered the conversation from earlier that day.
"You're so cute that just by breathing, you're already loveable!" Yomiuri-senpai had said.
Loveable just by breathing, huh?
I wondered about that.
How about me?
I felt cherished by my old man. Being able to joke around was precisely because we had a good rapport. When I first met Akiko-san and Ayase-san, and the sudden talk of remarriage was brought up at a family restaurant, I didn't complain because I felt a trust built between me and my old man. But when I thought about my biological mother, my heart still felt cold. She drifted away more and more as my old man worked harder for the family. I sometimes wondered what he could have done to avoid losing her love.
That thought started spinning around in my head.
Yomiuri-senpai was a fellow bookworm, and with her dirty old man mindset, I'd never really been conscious of her gender. It was after meeting Ayase-san that my circle of friends changed drastically. Starting with her friend Narasaka-san, then Fujinami-san, Professor Kudou, and Kozono-san—my female acquaintances noticeably increased.
…No, it wasn't just them.
I also made male friends too, like Shinjo and Yoshida.
That meant that in just one year, the number of people I'd become close to had noticeably increased. For the seven years prior to that the only person I could confidently call a friend was Maru. It felt like, ever since my old man's remarriage, my surroundings had suddenly become livelier. But personally, I didn't feel like I'd transformed into someone who was easily loveable. The shadow of my estranged mother kept my heart cold.
How does someone keep the love of a girl? I longed for a clue. Currently, I believe Ayase-san loves me, but people's feelings change.
Feelings change.
Even Shinjo, who supposedly liked Ayase-san, now had someone else he liked more. If there was such a thing as a loveable personality, I wished I had it. Looking at Kozono-san, she definitely seemed like that type. Just like the puppy we passed and just as Yomiuri-senpai initially said, simply being present made her lovable.
But something bothered me.
"I actually try really hard to be loveable, you know."
Kozono-san had said that herself.
Trying hard to be loveable, huh?
I didn't have confidence. A part of the little boy from elementary school remained inside me. I remembered when my mother left after cheating. How lonely and empty the house felt, and the tears welling up in my eyes from the feeling of loneliness.
I glanced at the girl walking beside me.
Ayase-san and I had similar circumstances. In her case, it was also her father who left. Her relationship with her mother, Akiko-san, was good, but I could detect a hint of distrust towards men in her words and actions.
Being loved just by breathing, huh? How easy life would be if I could believe in that.
Our apartment building came into view.
"Over there, look. The lights are on, so Taichi-san must already be back home," Ayase-san said, pointing at the apartment.
Back home.
My heart warmed at the thought. It was delightful that Ayase-san referred to the flat where my old man and I lived as "home."
"Which means he's probably cooled the place down with the air con. We can finally cool off."
"Yeah."
Ayase-san smiled.
Ah, I see. I don't know what to do to keep being loved by her, to continue being told "I love you."
Many of the rooms in the tall buildings of Shibuya still had their lights on. A "family" was living in each of those rooms. Are they making an effort to be loved, to maintain their families? It was still hard for me to even imagine that.