There are definitely classes that make me sleepier than others.
The weather was lovely this time of year. Warm sunlight streamed into about the second row from the window, making the classroom bright. Almost too bright.
The edge of the roller curtains swayed gently in the breeze from the slightly open windows.
The conditions were perfect for a post-lunch nap. Even if I wasn't near the window it still made me feel sleepy. On top of that, it was just after a grueling PE class in fourth period. Worse still, the current class—Japanese History—is one I'm good at, so I let my guard down.
Overwhelmed by sleepiness, I found myself unconsciously repeating the rhythmic row, row of a boat in my head as I dozed off.
Class Rep, who sat next to me, was called on by the teacher. She scraped her chair back as she stood up, probably to wake me up. Thankfully, I managed to keep my eyes open for the rest of the class, but I'm clearly more zoned out than usual.
This is the first time I've fallen asleep in class since entering high school.
I messed up.
I glanced at Class Rep beside me. She was looking at me too and moved her finger to her mouth. I panicked and hurriedly wiped my mouth. Did she notice?
She moved her lips to form the word "Li-e". Ugh. So she did notice I fell asleep.
I mouthed a "Thank you" as I glanced in the teacher's direction. Then I turned back to the blackboard. I never thought the day would come when I'd be getting help from other people. I've tried my best to keep my walls up, to not show any weakness, but now they're crumbling down so easily.
What the heck has gotten into me lately?
After class ended, we had a short 10-minute break before the next period started. There wasn't really any time to do anything besides prepare for the class next. Still, my classmates crowded around the cheerful Class Rep and chatted away the whole time. As the person next to her, I inevitably got caught up in it. Well, to be fair, Class Rep didn't force me to talk to her, so I could just listen with half an ear. But, there were some classmates among the group who were pretty persistent in trying to talk to me.
The biggest change in my third year is how I deal with these situations now. I wanted to learn from Asamura-kun's good social skills at work, so I couldn't be cold like I used to be when people talked to me. If I think about this as practice for customer service, I can't just brush them off. But today I feel gloomy and just want to be left alone.
If Maaya were here, she'd understand the situation and leave me to my own devices, but it's silly to expect other people to show that level of consideration.
With a fake smile stretching my cheeks, I slogged my way through the break. By the time school was over for the day I felt mentally exhausted. And I still had a shift at work to get through.
***
Things didn't improve when I got to work.
Yomiuri-san was off today due to job hunting and Asamura-kun and I were rostered on together.
Perhaps because I'd almost been late and felt rushed, work that day was a disaster.
I made a bunch of mistakes that I usually wouldn't make. For instance, when I went to restock books on the shelves, I almost put them on the wrong shelf. Even if they were kept in the same section, manga pitched at either men or women were different. As Asamura explained, if only cute girls were on the cover, it's for men, and if there are only cool boys, it's for women. There were exceptions, of course, but that was the general trend that I had to keep in mind.
But he also warned me that if it's switched–a cute boy instead of a cool boy and vice versa—it could go either way. I didn't really get it, but apparently, that's how it is, and I almost forgot his lesson.
Besides that, I almost made a mistake handing out change to customers and messed up folding the book covers.
They weren't fatal mistakes by any means, but I knew something was wrong and I had to do something about it. So, I asked the manager if I could use the restroom.
My goal was to wash my face to fix my lack of concentration. I splashed my face with cold water and checked what I looked like in the sink's mirror. My eyes looked a bit swollen, but that was probably because I fell asleep at a weird time and woke up early. I hadn't gotten enough sleep, so my lack of concentration might've been because of sleep deprivation.
Since I didn't put on much makeup today, I didn't have to go through the hassle of redoing it. If I were a working adult or like Yomiuri-san, I might've had to fix it properly.
When I told the manager I was back, he asked me to tell Asamura-kun to go to the warehouse. I found him on break drinking tea in the office and passed on the message. While I was there I had a chance to apologize to him for falling asleep last night, but I felt incredibly uncomfortable. The second the message was passed on I practically bolted out of the room.
Even on the way home after work, I couldn't find the right words to say.
The gloomy feeling still clung to me.
***
My pen stopped on the page when I heard "It's ready!" from beyond my door.
"Coming!" I called back and marked the place in my notebook where I'd been summarizing my notes from class. I haven't made much progress today either.
Studying after finishing work and coming home is only possible because our family took turns making dinner. I'm grateful for it, but I also feel a bit guilty. I had intended to do everything on my own.
As soon as I entered the dining room, the aroma tickled my nose.
"Smells good. You made curry?"
Asamura-kun explained that my Mom had made nikujaga, and he used the leftovers for the curry. He added microwaved vegetables to top it up and turned it into a vegetable curry. Asamura-kun from a year ago could never have done something like this. Because I knew he and Stepdad would just buy pre-made meals or get food delivered before my Mom and I moved in. Come to think of it, Asamura-kun didn't even know how to marinate meat back then.
Considering his progress, I'm genuinely impressed. But he was worried that his leftover-based curry could be seen as being lazy. I didn't think so, personally. If Asamura-kun's curry was considered lazy, then what I cooked every day would be, too.
I didn't mean to heap praise on him, but because I got a bit animated, Asamura-kun's face seemed to relax a bit. I was relieved.
We sat down and started eating.
Asamura-kun said it might be a tad spicy, and he was right. I preferred less spice, usually. But I've been feeling pretty deflated since this morning and the spiciness surprisingly didn't bother me too much.
As we ate, we were finally able to talk at length.
We realized we've been having similar concerns lately. Not just about university, but what came after that too. Until recently, we've only had vague ideas about what we wanted to do in the future. But the last six months had lit a fire under us and our plans demanded more thought.
"Honestly, I don't know what job would suit me."
Asamura-kun's words reminded me of my talk with my Mom.
I tried to ease his worries by relaying what she'd said to me. When I mentioned to her that I didn't think I'd be any good at customer service, she told me she didn't think she would be either at my age. I tried to get that message across to Asamura-kun, hoping it'd encourage him. I knew full well how hard he'd been working.
Since my Mom and I moved in with Stepdad and Asamura-kun, they've tried to adjust their rules and family customs to us so we'd be as comfortable as possible. That included cooking. I didn't necessarily think relying on food deliveries and pre-prepared meals was all that bad. It could be more cost effective for people living alone in certain circumstances.
If someone was lucky enough to have cooking knowledge and equipment passed down through generations in their family it could be pretty cheap. But for people not so lucky, starting from scratch could be pricey.
Above all, the human brain didn't like change much. Stepdad and Asamura-kun have adjusted to us regardless, and I'm nothing but grateful. Asamura-kun even cooked dinner for us on his own now. He also found music to help me focus while studying and came up with strategies to get me through Japanese Modern Literature tests.
If Asamura-kun is anxious about his future, I'm even more so.
"There's no need to rush," my Mom had told me.
—"I don't know what job would suit me."
After I thanked him for the food and retreated to my room, I whispered in my heart, "I feel the same way."
***
I took my bath first after dinner.
As I sat down to blow dry my hair, I spread a fashion magazine out on my lap and thumbed through it. When my hair was short it dried quickly, but now that it's almost back to its original length it takes much longer.
It's near impossible to study with wet hair. The hair dryer was too loud to watch videos or listen to music, and reading was my only real option—be it a magazine or a vocabulary book.
By the time I finished drying my hair, my Stepdad had returned home. I called out, "Welcome home" as he opened the door and showed his face.
Asamura-kun started warming up some curry for him. I offered to help, but as expected, he insisted he was fine to do it on his own and I went back to my room to study.
I threw on some warm clothes so I wouldn't catch a chill and opened my workbook to tackle my weakest subject—Japanese Modern Literature.
I picked up where I left off yesterday and got stuck into some problems…
…The buzz of the air con that'd been drowned out by my Lofi Hip Hop was in my ears again.
Crap, I dozed off. My headphones had slipped off at some point and my face was sticking to the desk. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was just past midnight.
Since my concentration was already fading, it'd be inefficient to try and push on now. I hadn't even finished half of the problems I'd planned to do in the workbook.
"I give up. I'm going to bed."
I felt thirsty. I tore off my headphones and shook my head vigorously one time. I opened the door leading to the kitchen.
Startled, I stopped in my tracks. Someone was in the dining room—Asamura-kun. He was drinking brown liquid from a glass. Barely tea most likely.
I thought it looked good and decided to have some myself. I passed by him, opened the refrigerator, and poured myself a glass of the cold tea. I sat down next to him and started drinking, copying his sips.
"You are working hard this late into the night, huh."
My heart jumped as the words left his mouth.
"Yeah…"
I mumbled a positive answer, but the truth is I actually dozed off and felt guilty about it.
Even with his own stuff to deal with, Asamura-kun is still worried about me. I took advantage of his kindness and admitted I've had trouble concentrating on my studies lately. He told me he's been having the same problem, struggling to concentrate despite being a third-year student now. It turned out we've both had the same concerns without even realizing it.
It's a little surprising that we've been third years for almost a month but haven't shared our problems with each other until now. Maybe it's because we haven't talked much lately.
We haven't talked. We haven't held hands. And, most importantly, we haven't felt the warmth of each other's bodies.
Our embrace on the Palawan Beach suspension bridge feels like a distant dream, now.
That's why… last night… feeling each other's warmth had been so comfortable and we'd fallen into blissful sleep.
We looked at each other, set down our barley tea, and reached out to bridge the gap between us. But both our hands stopped halfway, hovering in the air.
In the back of my mind is the fear of what might happen if I followed through and touched him.
"We should really get a good night's sleep, right?"
I pushed away my thoughts of "What could've been" from my head.
I tried not to think about the warmth that I was meant to be feeling in my arms slipping away from me. We both pulled back our hands.
I washed my cup, said goodnight, and went back to my room. I got into bed, turned off the light, and closed my eyes.
But the sleepiness that came so easily when I was studying earlier didn't return. I couldn't help imagining what would've happened if we'd just taken each other's hands and I couldn't sleep.
I spent the night staring at the faintly glowing ceiling light.