—These are all memories from the past week.
What should I do?
Looking up at the ceiling, I've been lost in thought for a while now.
It's… 4:36am right now.
Since it's getting close to 5am at the end of August, it's still dark outside.
I could probably still sleep for another hour and a half if I wanted to. Since I fell asleep quickly because I was tired, I woke up earlier than usual.
In the corner of my view, I could see the curtains in front of the window swaying. I set up the A/C so that it wouldn't blow on me in my sleep, and I can turn it up or down depending on the heat.
From between the curtains, I could see the white Shibuya night sky closely right before the night was about to end.
Once it clears up, it'll definitely be hot again.
I started thinking.
For one month—For an entire month, I somehow managed to bear with it, albeit with difficulty.
I felt frustrated just thinking about him creating memories elsewhere without me around. I felt annoyed at the thought that someone might learn more about him than I know.
No, I wasn't even aware of my own frustration. All I felt was a gloomy and hazy feeling in my chest, but that was about it.
What is this?
I noticed this mysterious emotion, and gave it a name, about a month ago.
—Jealousy.
I wrote that in my diary.
Upon writing it, I realized something.
He's always flat and frank with other people.
That's why he's willing to adjust to even me, when I have such a bothersome personality. He looks at me without prejudices. He accepts and praises my hard work and efforts that I never show to anybody else. He understands me.
I want to learn more about him. I want to understand more about him.
Asamura Yuuta.
I'm attracted to him.
But when I see Mom and Father so happy together, I can't risk destroying that happiness, and I'm sure Asamura-kun would be troubled to know about these feelings of mine.
I'm sure he would.
That's what I thought, which is why I decided to treat him like a stranger at work.
"Asamura-san."
Everytime I called him like a stranger I had just met, it felt like we drifted further apart, but if not for that, I probably would have become even more greedy.
I made it through an entire month like that.
I think it all started to break down ever since then.
It was like any other morning, and Asamura-kun was on the receiving end of some kind of weird persuasion from Mom. She might not look like it, but Mom is really good at confusing and bewildering people.
Well, that's totally fine. It's not like Asamura-kun can always be in his prime. Though I think he normally would have been a bit more rational.
But Father's words right after that were a surprise attack. Not to mention that Mom joined in, talking about how we still call each other by our family names. What do you mean 'Yuuta-niisan', okay?
Wait just a second.
There's no way I could call him 'Yuuta'. That's impossible. But would that be normal for siblings to do? Really? Do all little sisters in this world call their older brothers by their given names? That's hard to believe, honestly.
And Father joined in as well. He said that he called Mom 'Ayase-san' before they started dating. Why did he have to go and say that?
From now on, whenever Asamura-kun calls me 'Ayase-san', I'll be reminded of that. 'Before they started dating,' you know.
Dating. Dating… is where you go out and play together, right? Just when I was thinking about that, Asamura-kun asked me about my plans for the summer.
In a roundabout way. He asked if I was doing anything with friends.
I said 'No' out of reflex, but in reality, Maaya had invited me to the pool. Not to mention that she told me to 'Bring Asamura-kun with you'. The pool sounds nice. And it would be even better if Asamura-kun was with me. That's what I thought.
Ever since Maaya invited me, I was too busy thinking about it to make any progress with my exam studies. I didn't even finish half of what I set out to do.
There's also another thing I realized. Once I start thinking about Asamura-kun, I can't find any way to stop anymore. It ground my studying to a complete halt.
I've always wanted to become as independent as possible so that I don't burden Mom anymore. In order to do that, keeping my grades as high as possible is absolutely necessary. Since I'm not as clever as Asamura-kun, I have to catch up with sheer effort.
That's why I initially decided to decline her invitation.
I even went to his room to say simply that.
I reassured him that Maaya and I aren't so close that we'd meet up over summer break. I'm glad he believed me at least. I wasn't sure what I would do if he pressured me on the matter.
But I was still worried that he might have found out. That he might have realized that I was panicking. After all, Asamura-kun is very sharp. He notices these sorts of things right away.
After all, he managed to find a book I had been searching for a solid ten minutes for in a few seconds.
He's really amazing. He made that lady really happy that day.
But someone else might have found it even faster, at least that's what he told me.
That person—is Yomiuri Shiori-san.
I really hate myself for being so petty, because I didn't want to hear any more praise about her.
But on the way home, I realized that even Asamura-kun can have some things that he's not conscious about.
It was fun.
The day after, the A/C in our living room broke down.
Since I'm bad with the heat, I stayed in my room pretty much the entire day, at least until I had to head out for work.
I let the A/C in my room run, put on my favorite lofi hip-hop music while wearing my headphones, and tried to catch up with my studying.
But I couldn't make any progress.
When the heat reached the peak of the day, I left home and headed to a nearby cafe before it was time for my shift.
I had a half-off coupon for a popular frappuccino, so I decided to get that and do some reading. In particular, the book Asamura-kun recommended to me. After some time had passed, and I judged that I should head off to work, I happened to spot Asamura-kun sitting in the same cafe.
On a whim, I called out to him.
When I looked at his table, I spotted two separate drinks, so I figured he was here with someone else, but…
After a brief conversation, I saw a boy wearing glasses walking towards us from the corner of my eyes. Since he was wearing Suisei's uniform, and because I knew that he was fairly close to Asamura-kun, I decided to end the conversation with him there and walk away.
Since we act like strangers at school, it'd be silly if we were discovered right there after all.
But I saw that the person he was there with was another boy.
I was relieved.
As for the shift after that, it was just Asamura-kun, Yomiuri-san, and I… as well as a full-time employee.
Whenever I saw Yomiuri-san, she would praise me. About how fast I'm learning my job, about how I have talent. It's troublesome because I know she's serious. She's a good senior, after all.
She's very mature, she's really beautiful, she's easy to talk to, and she knows how to look after others.
When I think about the fact that she's always been with Asamura-kun…
That night, on the way home, Asamura-kun asked me a question.
He asked me if Maaya had invited us to the pool.
My heart skipped a beat in shock.
How does Asamura-kun know about that?
I really don't remember the response I gave back then.
I was clearly suspicious of him.
For a moment, I wondered if Maaya had contacted Asamura-kun directly, even though that wasn't possible since they had no common interests at all, if you stopped to think about it rationally.
Does he want to go to the pool?
He might be angry at me if he knew I declined without even asking him. I mean, I want to go to the pool myself. I haven't visited the pool for years.
But… since I'm not making any progress with my studies, I couldn't allow myself to go.
"I see. Then you don't have to force yourself to go, right?" (Because I can't go out to play).
"I'm not going." (I can't go)
I knew myself that my voice sounded awfully cold, but what I truly thought was completely different.
I think that my heart had already reached its limit.
The following morning, I didn't want to see Asamura-kun, so I got up early. I made breakfast before he woke up, and immediately locked myself up in my room. As long as I tell him that breakfast is ready, there should be no problem.
He thanked me via LINE as well. Without adding any emoji, since I don't use them either. He's adjusting to me, even with the smallest things.
But I wonder what he really wants to do? Maybe he actually sends a lot of emotes with other people? If so, then maybe he doesn't want to bother with me?
Other people… Maybe Yomiuri Shiori-san?
Probably because I was lost in thought, it took me a second to hear him knocking on my door.
In a panic, I took off my headphones and carefully opened it.
As expected, Asamura-kun was standing on the other side of the door, and once again he was asking me about the pool.
The reason I had been so sharp and distant before was because I didn't want to hear any more about that. And even so, for some reason, Asamura-kun was being oddly pushy about it that day.
He asked me for Maaya's contact information.
Why did I respond like that?
Why did I say such cold and unbelievable things to him?
I don't wanna.
I said it like a child.
When I saw Asamura-kun's shocked expression, I felt the blood draining from my body. I realized that I had no right to act the way I did.
I frantically tried to calm myself down.
The idea of him asking me for it is more than okay. Maaya invited him, too, after all. It's not like I can just decline for him. That being said, I also didn't feel comfortable giving him my friend's contact info without her consent. That's what I told him, and he accepted the excuse.
I need to ask Maaya if I can give Asamura-kun her contact address.
But she's still on a trip.
I guess I would just be bothering her if I sent her a message in the middle of her own fun.
Of course, I was pretty much just making excuses at that point.
That day was really the worst. I'm certain Asamura-kun didn't do it on purpose, but he kept making my heart tremble in fear and uncertainty. After all, he came to work with Yomiuri-senpai.
I hated just thinking about it, and started hating myself for even thinking that in the first place.
Even though it's his own freedom who he sees and what he does.
She has beautiful brown-black hair, and thanks to her peaceful and mature atmosphere, even I couldn't help but admire her, accepting the fact that she was a good fit for Asamura-kun.
Maybe Asamura-kun likes long and beautiful hair?
I mean, I have fairly long hair myself.
…What am I even thinking about? I feel like an idiot.
I started to feel scared of running into Asamura-kun, so I said I wanted to buy something after work, and sent him home without me.
After I finished my shopping trip and got home, Asamura-kun was standing in the kitchen.
I realized that I had left without even preparing any dinner.
From the back, he looked a bit dejected for some reason. And when he turned around, he for some reason was holding frozen cooked rice in his hand, giving me a confused expression.
I don't know why, but his appearance just made me giggle.
Asamura-kun has so little knowledge about food that it's hard to believe at times.
This is probably because of his real mother.
From what I heard from Asamura-kun, after his father ended up single, he gave up on homemade cooking altogether. More than not remembering anything, or being unable to cook, he simply avoided it all together. In this day and age, you can get by without having to cook, after all.
And yet right now, Asamura-kun is trying his hardest to learn. Making dinner together is fun. Having Asamura-kun help me is fun. It made me feel like we were cooking together.
But once dinner was over, he yet again asked me.
After letting out a sigh, he asked about the pool.
What's that sigh about? I felt myself growing agitated.
I couldn't hold back any longer, and took out my smartphone to look for Maaya's number.
Even though I didn't even consult Maaya herself.
But then Asamura-kun stopped me. He said that he actually didn't care about Maaya at all.
If anything, he wanted me to have fun at the pool.
That made no sense.
Why would he do that?
That's what I asked him.
He said that he's worried about me. He said that I should relax a bit, and have some more fun.
But I have to study. I can't just play around.
If not… I'll end up as a no-good person eventually.
That day, even after 1am passed, and 2am passed, I couldn't make any progress with my studies. I just kept thinking about Asamura-kun and what he had said even after I laid down in bed.
I wondered why Asamura-kun would say such a thing.
It's been two months now since I moved in here with Mom. I remembered everything that happened, thought about it, and remembered what he had said once again.
After I turned off the lights in the room, all my thoughts and feelings flitted through the air like mirages.
When the sky behind the curtains turned white, I finally fell asleep.
What flashed up behind my eyelids was the appearance of Asamura-kun letting out a sigh.
Then my own Mom's face overlapped with his.
Ah. I know that face. One time when I was in middle school, Mom invited me to the beach. Thinking about the financial situation we were in back then, it didn't seem like we could afford it, and I didn't want her to waste her precious time off, so I declined, saying that I had to study.
That face she made back then looked like she was troubled.
I was trying to hold back for Mom's sake, and yet it almost felt like I hurt her, despite not even knowing what that face was about.
I was tired enough to pretty much pass out.
My eyes opened, and I fully woke up.
I changed into some clothes in somewhat of a daze, and realized that my thoughts had stopped entirely.
Wait, what was I even thinking about?
Ahh… well, whatever.
Without thinking about anything, I finished changing, and when I entered the living room, Asamura-kun was already awake. It's rare to see him up this early, I thought, but when I checked the time, it was crazy late.
I wanted to hurry up and make breakfast, but Asamura-kun stopped me, prohibiting me from making food.
I can't let him.
This is my mistake. I couldn't fulfil the promise we made because I overslept.
However, Asamura-kun started arguing with me like I was a young child.
Since I was still sleepy and spacing out a lot, I couldn't argue back well at all, so I just did as I was told, sitting down on a chair.
He gave me toast with butter and some fried ham.
When I picked up the scent of bread and meat, my stomach let out a faint growl. I panicked and worried that he might have heard it. Only then did I realize that I was actually hungry.
While I was waiting for Asamura-kun to sit down himself, he suddenly asked me a question.
He asked if I wanted hot milk. What an odd question.
He asked me in this hot summer season if I wanted to drink hot milk.
He said that it would help me sleep faster. I see.
So he warmed up this milk just for me.
While I was munching on the toast, my body slowly started to wake up.
After we finished eating, I looked at the hot milk Asamura-kun made for me and took a sip.
Ah, so warm.
The air from the A/C was cool, but the milk made me feel warm from the inside.
I let out a sigh, and I felt everything grow lighter. Both my body and my head.
"I've been thinking…"
Well, whatever.
"…I don't mind going to the pool."
When I put into words what I was thinking, it felt like a weight fell off my chest.
There's only one problem.
The day of the pool visit that Maaya talked about overlapped with the day Asamura-kun and I had a shift.
After I slept for about two hours, we headed to work.
Asamura-kun wanted to negotiate with the store manager in hopes that we could change shifts, and I of course wanted to join him. That being the case, Asamura-kun suggested that we might as well walk to work together, so he walked next to me while pushing his bike.
Helping Mom at home is pretty much all the social experience I have, so I obviously was worried if we really could switch shifts that easily.
Asamura-kun taught me some tips and tricks for it.
Maybe that's why everything worked out fairly well. The store manager accepted our request, and both Asamura-kun and I thanked him.
Yet again, I've realized how amazing Asamura-kun is.
I could have never done that.
He's probably more skillful at holding conversations than he himself thinks.
When I told him that, he thought I was overestimating him. He argued that they expected a serious attitude, which was what made it easier for him. That's why this communication is easy to do.
When he told me this, it all made sense.
This is pretty much another way of 'adjusting'.
When that thought came to mind, I felt relieved. Negotiation isn't simply forcing your own desires on someone else. Rather, you have to consider both people's circumstances and adjust to the other person.
If you want to do something for your own convenience, you need to listen to what others want. It's like adjusting weights on a scale, trying to find balance.
Since I have this habit of giving the other person more, I never had any problems with it.
I always lean towards the give side in a give & take relationship. That's what I always thought. Basically, I see no problems with giving the other person more.
If that was all that was necessary, I might be able to do things like Asamura-kun as well.
When our change in shift was accepted, the store manager told us to work our best on that day.
If that's all he wanted, then I was confident that I could provide.
Right after getting these results, I contacted Maaya, telling her that Asamura-kun and I would participate.
It didn't take long for Maaya to send back 'Yay!', with a cute cat emote that was pumping its fist in the air. I made a wry smile, and then another long message came in.
The title was something like this:
'Creating lots of summer memories'
Maaya made something like this while she was travelling? Well, whatever.
The following morning… or more accurately, yesterday morning.
Asamura-kun said that he only had a swimsuit from gym classes, so he was clearly hesitant to wear that. So he said he'd go buy one after our shift.
What should I do? I actually had a swimsuit. When I was buying one for the school lessons at Suisei High, I found a cute one on sale, so I bought it.
When I enrolled at high school, our financial situation had somewhat stabilized (otherwise I probably wouldn't have been able to even attend Suisei High), but I didn't want to spend too much.
Since I bought it during the summer of my first year, it's been a full year since then.
But… I had never worn it once since.
I tried it on the day before when I got Maaya's message, but it was a bit tight, and it didn't really suit my current style.
So I looked up swimsuits online until it was time for work. Since I earn money from work, I can afford a swimsuit just fine.
After our shift ended, I asked Asamura-kun where he planned to buy the swimsuit.
Since the department store he chose to visit offered the brand I was planning on buying anyway, I decided to tag along.
Once we reached the location in question, I was suddenly curious about what swimsuit Asamura-kun might buy, but I quickly shook my head, banning such thoughts from my mind.
What good would thinking about it do? It's not like I was going to tag along during his shopping trip.
There's no way I could do that.
So I suggested we split up there. Though I doubt he realized that I was panicking a bit. I thought it wasn't fair that I was so nervous, and he remained so calm despite everything.
And now, today.
It was fun! So much fun! Hella fun!
It's been so long since I've gone to the pool that I nearly forgot what it was like!
There were so many attractions to check out, and I got to swim a lot!
I even talked a bit with the other people there, and remembered some of their names, but I'm not really the best at making friends like that.
If anything, I'm bad at reading the mood, and I don't like putting effort into doing so.
But everything worked out just fine today.
I think it's also thanks to Asamura-kun being with me.
Just like me, he doesn't go along with Maaya's nonsensical jokes, but he's much better than me at dealing with other people. If he wants to do something, he can.
But he also clearly states what he dislikes.
That's one part of him that I'm attracted to, for sure.
We split up at the Shinjuku train station.
Right as we were about to walk away, Maaya called out to him.
She wanted to exchange LINE details, and for some reason Asamura-kun glanced at me.
I subconsciously averted my gaze.
Why did he look at me? He can do whatever he wants.
It's his freedom of choice after all.
When I looked back, they had already finished the procedure, and Asamura-kun was thanking Maaya.
When I heard him saying that, I also realized how well thought-out her plan today was.
Narasaka Maaya truly is a person with a big heart for the people around her, although she herself is small.
I once again had to acknowledge that she likes people.
She has a lot of friends, and is liked by many.
I'm not good enough at all. My likes and dislikes are very strict. If I think 'I don't want this', I just flip a switch and cut off any form of communication.
On top of that, when I think of playing with those people again, I really hate myself for not feeling all too interested. I'm too intolerant, to be honest.
Not to mention that I'm afraid that people will find out that I actually don't like being dragged around.
I don't want to ruin the mood of other people. That wouldn't be fair at all. It's not like the other person did anything wrong. I just can't accept it.
That's why I can't help but admire Asamura-kun.
When he played in the minigames Maaya prepared, he focused on the other people having fun more than him standing out. He understands the hard work other people do.
He's so cool.
Although nobody seems to have realized that fact.
Am I the only one? Now I feel a bit proud about that.
But I got scared.
On the way home, Asamura-kun and I walked next to each other.
The sun had already started to set, and it was harder to see his expression.
I'm sure he's not looking at my face either.
Now's my time to say it, I thought.
To me, he looked so dazzling. So cool, and admirable.
So…
Nii-san.
I said with as clear of a voice as I could.
My heart wouldn't stop racing.
I just hope he didn't notice how my fingertips were quivering.
That's right, I need to tell myself. We're siblings.
However, if I leave some sort of tenuous distance between us, he might be hurt. He's trying to be a reliable older brother, so this was my decision to help keep an adequate distance between us.
We made it home to the living room.
As I watched Asamura-kun eat the dinner I made, I realized why Mom always enjoyed making food for me.
Did I make that kind of expression when he prepared that hot milk for me?
But this is simply happiness as his step-sister. That's what I told myself. I chose my next words carefully so that he wouldn't notice my inner turmoil.
"Would you like another serving of miso soup?"
In response to that, Asamura-kun said:
"No, I'm fine. It was delicious… Thanks, Ayase-san."
When he said this, I felt a strong gaze coming from him, making me flustered for a moment, wondering if I had messed up.
He wasn't talking about the taste of the miso soup.
I might be a bit too self-conscious. Or it might be a desire which made me go through this.
However, in Asamura-kun's gaze, I felt like I saw an odd emotion, almost like he was looking at me like I wasn't his little sister, but just another girl.
…Sorry, Asamura-kun. This surely is just a fabricated hallucination inside of my head, and you actually aren't the kind of person who would make such a mistake.
However, what if?
If Asamura-kun really likes me in that way, and if he told me about his feelings, what would happen to me?
Would I be able to stay righteous, and reject him?
I'm scared.
If this is just about me breaking down one-sidedly, then I can swallow these gloomy feelings and act like they don't exist for as long as they take to vanish.
However, if he were to take the first step, I probably wouldn't be able to bear it.
I would totally break under the pressure.
The following day, my phone's alarm rang from next to my pillow.
It was time for me to get up.
Mom and Dad were already in the living room.
It seems like they both took the day off today so that we can spend it together as a family, or something like that.
When I saw Mom smile as she said that, I realized that this was probably the happiest she had ever been for a long time.
Good for her. I don't want her to ever go through something like that again. I want her to experience all the happiness she couldn't before.
That's… why.
I'll—lock away my own feelings.
I don't want to destroy the happiness they have right now. I don't want to trouble Asamura-kun, either.
I can only pray that these feelings of mine never get found out.
I should cut my hair.
With that decision made, I immediately decided to act.
Yomiuri Shiori-san's long and beautiful hair is one important part of her femininity, and I'm sure that Asamura-kun must be attracted to it in some way.
I know that nothing will be resolved with just this. But if this even helps a tiny bit to secure safety in our relationship, I need to do everything in my power to do so.
Honestly, it's laughable.
All this femininity that I had denied, and yet now I'm being wrapped up in it myself like a stereotype.
I got a new haircut and came home.
I took out my diary from the drawer and re-read everything.
I realized that I had written down everything I felt with almost too much honesty.
Every single word, every sentence.
This is just…
My feelings of being attracted to him are far too clear in everything I wrote down.
But, all these memories of mine for the past week are not written down anywhere.
That's right, this is a diary that just exists in my head.
Why? It's simple.
I cannot risk Asamura-kun reading anything I've felt over the past week.
I realized the grave danger in writing a diary with my honest feelings. If I leave behind any written evidence, he might find it.
I need to get rid of it, and make sure that I never leave behind any more written evidence of my feelings. I'll only reminisce about my memories inside of my head.
I need to hide my feelings as a single girl I'm having towards a single boy. What I should be, what life I should live, is not to act towards him as a girl, but as a little sister. I need to interact with him as a step-sister.
These Days as a Step-sister1 don't need a diary anymore.
───
1 Gimai Seikatsu.