I had another dream that night. A veil of darkness surrounds me. It twists and turns, binding me in place. The more I fight, the tighter it holds. Just as the feeling of helplessness begins to fill me, a face becomes visible between the folds of the shadow. It looks familiar. The face brightens and pushes its way through the darkness until it's right in front of me. With better lighting, I can see that it's the woman from my vision on my way to this world. She has a gentle, comforting smile on her face as she reaches out toward my head. I can feel her hands running through my unkempt hair. She remains in front of me without speaking and I begin to calm down. As I stop resisting the shadows, they slowly fall from my body. This continues for several minutes until I'm completely free. The defeated darkness retreats away from her visage.
"Who are you?" I ask in bewilderment. She ignores my question and places her free hand on my cheek. I watch as her smile brightens and she fades into nothing.
I open my eyes. I'm calm, too calm. All the heavy emotions that plagued me yesterday have settled into a distant memory. My heart still hurts when I think about Ashley, but the pain has dulled significantly.
[What did I dream about last night?]
The only thing I can remember is a pair of piercing yet gentle eyes looking through me and a feeling of relief. It's as if a darkness has been lifted off my shoulders. I smile for the first time in what feels like days. Then, I get dressed and make my way downstairs. Carroll and Vincent are sitting at the breakfast table. My mother is wearing a black shall over her dress today, probably in anticipation of my arrival. Vincent is wearing his usual beige blouse with dark pants.
"Good morning, dear." Carroll greets me with a cautious smile.
"Morning, mom." I'm too drained to put on a fake smile, so I try to just keep an even expression.
"How are you feeling, sweety?"
"A lot better. I found out yesterday that my friend Ashley had died, and I didn't do everything I should have to help her."
"Huh, well, she's dead now." Vincent responds in his usual tone-deaf manner. Carroll glares at him, but his callousness actually pulls a chuckle out of me.
"Ha, yeah. Her boyfriend murdered her, apparently. I should have gone with her, but I didn't think things would end like this."
"Oh... I'm sorry." I can tell Vincent didn't mean any harm by his heartfelt apology.
"That's okay. You're right; she's dead. I didn't do everything I could to save her, and I'm going to have to carry that with me for the rest of my life. All I can do now is learn from my mistake and try not to let it happen again. After all, time heals all wounds." I finish with a smile toward Carroll. She knows I picked up that phrase while she was talking with Vincent in the hallway and smiles back. We finish our breakfast quietly, and I head for the north gate. I can hear the kid's parents start their inevitable argument as I'm leaving,. Vincent puts up a valiant defense but soon succumbs to the overwhelming force of Carroll's wrath.
I lightly jog to the palisade and meet the kids outside the gate. They're both pretty concerned based on their expressions.
"Morning." I greet them with a light wave and try not to force a smile.
"Morning," Sakura responds brightly, trying to clear the air.
"Good morning, Nick. How are you?" I can tell Josh is observing my reaction for some reason.
"I'm fine. Yesterday was pretty rough, but I'm doing better."
"Was Ashley your friend?"
"Yes, something like that. At least I wanted to help her." I can tell Josh is digging for something, so I answer naturally to figure it out.
"I'd be pretty sad if one of my friends died. I don't think I'd be able to move for a few days."
[He's testing me.]
It hurts that he doesn't trust me, but I'm glad he's matured enough to have a healthy amount of skepticism. I smile slightly and try to hold back a tear forming in my right eye.
"That's certainly how I felt yesterday. It was even worse because I could have done more to save her, and I didn't. I still blame myself partially for her death."
"But you're here now. Also, I see that you're smiling, which means that you're happy." Josh is trying to corner me. I can see Sakura panicking as she looks back and forth between the two of us, unsure if she should intervene.
[This should be a good lesson for her to see how much Josh struggles to read facial expressions.]
I press on nonetheless.
"You'll find that everyone deals with death differently. I was absolutely crushed yesterday, and I'm still hurting now. Although I wish I could just lie in bed forever, I have other friends that need me like the two of you. I can't help or protect anyone from my room, so I decided to come out today despite how I'm feeling. On top of that, I'm trying to smile to cover up how sad I am. I've got the rest of my life to grieve, but I need to focus on growing stronger for now. More than anything else, all I can do now is learn not to repeat the same mistakes." Josh is still eyeing me warily. I decide to end this discussion for now so he and Sakura can talk it out.
"You can think whatever you want about my reaction. For now, I'm running my laps." I make a swift exit and start my journey around the palisade. From a distance, I can hear Sakura confronting Josh.
"What was that for? He was clearly hurting a lot?"
"But he was smiling."
"Sad people always smile so that the people around them know to try and act normal. Couldn't you see how puffy his eyes were? He was crying earlier, and he almost started again while you were questioning him."
"Really?" Turning my focus away from the children, I concentrate on my pace. I pour all of my pent up emotions into my legs and bring my pace up a little above what I can sustain. My brother always recommended exercising near the edge of exhaustion and relying on my emotions to sustain me if I was too worked up. I can feel the waves of hate, guilt, and fear boil into my limbs. Tears are forming at the corners of my eyes from the brisk wind, or at least that's what I tell myself. The intense pain of the run helps me work through the emotional block I'm in, and a wave of catharsis washes over me. I realize I've been feeling overwhelmed for a while now, and this is my first release. The kids wait for me at the north gate as I finish my lap feeling refreshed.
"I'm sorry, Nick." Josh bows at a stiff ninety-degree angle to apologize. Sakura is standing over him looking very disappointed.
"It's fine. Actually, I think now is a good time to do an experiment." Remembering that scene from "A curious incident of the dog in the nighttime," I draw a simple smiley face on the ground.
"Sakura, don't answer this question. It's only for Josh, okay?"
"Okay?" she responds with her head tilting to the side.
"Now, Josh, what does this look like?"