Personally I am not sure how this chapter came out . Due to the fact that I didn't feel it is good enough , I corrected it many times but nevertheless there is still some distaste left in my mouth . It just seemed to me that something was wrong. I don't know if it's some description I didn't like , or maybe it's the dialogue .
Well whatever it is I hope that none of you , readers , will not feel the same impression as me . Well , thank you for your attention and have a nice reading .
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Lappland pov
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Pain
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Fatigue
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Confusion
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Feeling out of control
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Cold
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A sense of being distanced
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It's all ... So familiar and yet , I can't remember the last time I felt it all at once . When was the last time I was in such a miserable state ? It seems to me that even a year ago, at the time I was caught , I looked better. I just felt it in every part of my body . I felt cold , pain and exhaustion in my bones , muscles , joints . My thoughts were in complete confusion , my distraction was preventing me from focusing , my psyche was crumbling with my every thought .
Even something as simple as keeping my eyes open was a huge challenge for me . The only things that kept me from falling were the thoughts tormenting my mind and the sink , on which I leaned against . Looking into the white porcelain of the sink , I spat out sour saliva from my mouth . However, even this did not help to get rid of the unpleasant taste .
In distraction , I watched as my saliva mixed with the droplets of blood , that still dripped from my face . As to the origin of this blood , I was not sure myself . Looking at the number of injuries on my head and face, it's hard for me to even say from which wound the blood came. Although , being honest , I didn't give a damn where I was bleeding from or if I was bleeding at all . In my bewilderment , I just let one thought zap my head .
' I ..... I almost killed her ... I wanted to kill Blake .....My Blake .... My Blake .....my Blake..... My Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake ....Blake .... '
Despite my condition, my thoughts revolved only around that . These thoughts , these feelings associated with them ,make my tired hands clench on the white porcelain , which because of my fatigue did not even respond to my squeeze . I just could not focus on anything else , I only remember this ... red .
I remember that sight , that satisfaction and happiness I felt seeing Blake's terrified face . The feeling and taste that my mouth received when I bit into her hand . The feeling of accomplishment when her life slowly run through my fingers . I am fully aware of what I felt then ... And I really didn't mind at the time if Blake died .
This thought makes me fell a painful cramp in my heart , that forced me to grab my chest with one hand . I felt that I was suffocating . I was doing harm to Blake . I hurt Blake , I hurt her ..... From the beginning I was partially aware of what I was doing but just ..... I could not stop . This feeling was so liberating .
I felt that all my anger , all the pain of all these years , all my stress ... Was going away with every time I inflicted pain on Blake. I felt this irresistible urge to squeeze Blake's skinny neck tighter . Desire to strangle her just a second longer . Even when most of the anger subsided . Even when I was rational enough not to kill her . I couldn't stop myself from playing with her life longer.
I wanted her to feel, at least for a moment longer, part of what I have felt for most of my life. My fear, my insecurity, the feeling of being betrayed, my inner struggle not to hurt the person I care about !!!!! At that moment , I was just pouring everything out of myself . All those things I couldn't express .
My feelings for her ... My anger at her and her decision . My anger at my stupidity . My anger at my submission to her will. My anger at the fact that like a dog , I do everything she tells me to do. My anger at the fact that even without her order I risk everything , I sacrifice myself for her sake . Anger at feeling something for her .... Anger for trapping myself in feelings for her . Angry at myself for falling in love in her . My fear of my illness ... Fear of ..... death .
Everything that happened today , everything that has happened over the past years has exhausted even me . Mentally and physically , I no longer have the strength to go on . A year ago I was ready to die . Blake betrayed me . Blake my sense of existence , spurned me , hated me . Now she has told me she loves me ..... She said this despite the fact that I almost killed her . She said it despite the fact that I am dying .
The weight of the realization of what I had done and what I had almost done to Blake , hit me hard enough that my knees almost buckled under me . I knew that what was happening to me now was a emotion in my body . Unfortunately as much as I wanted to compare it with something , I can't recognize this .
I just , felt angry at myself for what I had done to Blake , I felt as if I wanted to turn back time so that it did not happen . I felt disgusted with myself . It was a strange feeling , which squeezing my heart it took away my strength and breath . I felt complicated , I felt bad about what happened .
On the other hand, I also felt happiness . Happiness that Blake would finally be with me . I was so happy that I didn't even care about the tragedies that always haunt my life , after someone tells me they love me . Unfortunately the burning pain on my thigh , hip and the side of my lower abdomen again destroyed what was supposed to be happiness for me . I was dying ..... And because of this pain I know that it will only get worse . For now , this is the level of pain I will be able to tolerate . However , it can only get worse .
Whispers : " Isn't it funny ? ... the words " I love you " were only said after your diagnosis . Isn't it tragic . The first time abandoned and betrayed , the second time again betrayed and abandoned , the third time you are sick with a deadly disease . Really ... every time someone tells you they love you , it ends badly for you ."
Says the whisper in my head . As always I can not be left alone in peace , there must always be a whisper in my head . I am already used to it so as long as they are not loud and disruptive I let them do what they want ... As long as I am in control , I distinguish them from reality . I let them flow , I just don't let them tell me what to do .
Today I let myself be led by my anger , it has happened to me several times before , but only today things have gone so far that I have lost partial control over what I do . I am dangerous , I know that . If it wasn't for my partial control and my common sense , which deep inside me was trying to help me control myself , I would have killed Blake . Now this can not happen , after all Blake is mine , now she is mine and I must cherish her as mine . My woman .
Unfortunately , significantly the words of this whisper did not allow me to simply ignore it . Repeating these words in my head , it seemed to me that the whisper behind them was gaining in volume .
Whispers : " The white wolf , the beast , a monster , a huntress of hunters , a White Fang enforcer .... tired after just one fight with a few weak people . It is ridiculous but understandable . I understand the weakness of your body . A year in confinement has weakened you to a mere shell of your former self . Not even mentioning this disease , which is slowly killing you . How long has it been in you ? For how long has it been killing you ? Perhaps the main reason why Adam caught you was not your damaged ribs and arm at all , but the disease in your body . "
Says a whisper , which has already turned into a full voice . A voice that sounds just like me , and which did not hide its amusement at the state of my body . I knew that this teasing and mocking was meant to draw a reaction out of me . The way this voice tormented and manipulated my mind was already familiar to me . However, I was already sick listening to it .
The voice in my head : " Unfortunately , I can not understend the reason for the weakness of your will . You are a beast , You should end her . However just a few sweet words and a simple " I love you " , made everything we went through becomes irrelevant . Just like that , we forget the whole situation with the betrayal , we forget that Blake poisoned us and set us up to the enemy when we were at our weakest ... You really became a puss .... "
Before the voic finishes mocking me , I break out of my position with my fist aimed at the mirror in front of me . As it turns out, I still had some strength in me .The strength I was going to use to silence that annoying voice. I didn't know if it would work , however, it was worth it to see if my method would work. Without thinking about the consequences , I hit the mirror .
But due to weakness and lack of enough aura to protect my skin , I injured my fist . Fist , which was only able to cause cracks on the mirror . Feeling and seeing fresh blood running down the mirror , I now looked at the reflection . In the mirror I saw reflections of myself and the state I was in . A state which made me momentarily forget about the voice in my head .
' Is this what Blake saw ? ... Animal '
That was my only thought looking at my dirty , battered and bloody face . With my torn and dirty clothes , I no longer looked like a civilized faunus . I looked like an animal that had just run out of the wilderness . This sight , was at the same time so familiar and so foreign to me that it disgusted me . Making eye contact with my own reflection . I felt shortness of breath .
Feeling weak , I rested my , aimed at the mirror , bloody hand on the wall next to the mirror . Lowering my gaze to catch my breath , I again looked at the white porcelain of sink . My own condition made me felt dirty . Wanting to wash quickly , I turned the water in the tap . However , instead of the water I expected , I felt the familiar stench of blood .
Looking at my hands , which should be washed by water , I saw and felt , only scarlet , fresh and warm blood flowing out of the tap , directly onto my hands . Shocked , I watched as the fresh blood flow down towards my wrists , which were suddenly caught by a pair of strong , and cold hands .
These hands were not normal , they looked like they were made of smooth , cracked stone , just like old statues . Due to shock , fatigue and my unpreparedness for this surprise attack , I froze in place . Fatal mistake that allowed other , statue-like hands to latch onto my body . Being fully covered with petrified hands I could not move , I could not fight . I could only let the stone hands , forcefully spread my arms to the sides . Through my line of sight , I could only look at the blood-filled sink .
The next thing I felt was a force pulling at my hair . A force that lifted my head so that I could look into a mirror cracked and bloody with my own blood , in which I was no longer alone , I was not even in the bathroom .
I was in a huge , trashed room filled with mirrors . Shards of mirrors on the snowy floor , broken and whole mirrors on the walls , and there were even a few shards and mirrors levitating in the air . Mirrors were everywhere and they reflected the view of the entire room for me . Despite the state of the room , it was easy for me to tell that it was in some abandoned villa , which must have been rich in its glory days .
In the reflection I could see snowflakes falling through the missing roof . Through the broken windows and holes in the walls, seen in the reflections, I could see a forest of conifers stretching outside the room . All this reminded me of the kingdom of Atlas . I even felt the familiar cold of the snow and wind, which by the way carried the familiar smell of the coniferous forest. It was so cold that my breath creat steam . However, it did not moved me, I was born in the cold and lived in it. Such cold would not even make me sick .
Unfortunately despite knowing that this is all a figment of my twisted mind , I felt strange . Especially since I was surrounded on all sides by cracked , stone statues of grimm , humans and faunus of all kinds and ages . The statues were spread everywhere in the room , some of the statues were missing large pieces of their bodies . A couple of stone statues with still existing hands , stood right next to me holding me in their cold embrace .
Focusing my eyes on the cracked mirror in front of me , and not on the reflection in it . I noticed that it was levitating in front of me . I see small streams of blood flowing in the cracks , which at the very bottom of the mirror , become small rivulets falling into a bloody puddle created under the mirror .
Looking at my reflection , I notice how in each fragment separated by cracks my reflection is different . My lower half of my face in the left bottom fragment is dirty and my mouth is not smiling , but in the right bottom fragment my lower face is clean and my mouth shows a wide smile .
Because of my fist , the place where my left eye should have been on the reflection, is completely destroyed . The only thing left there are many streams of blood flowing through the cracks , which after a longer look , resemble an eye cut by a line . But the right upper part of my face was divided into upper and lower halves. The line of intersection runs perfectly horizontally through my right eye . The lower half of the right side is clean , and the upper half is dirty and injured .
??? : " HaHaHAhAhaHAHA ...HaHaHAhAhaHAHA HaHaH...AhAhaHAHAha "
Just when I thought I would remain here in silence . Sudden hysterical laughter spread throughout the room . Looking at the lower right part of the reflection , I saw the reflection of my mouth , which a moment ago was smiling , now moved making it clear to me who was laughing .