I apologize for the lack of updates . However, writing this chapter brought me a headache . I wrote it several times and it seemed to get worse and worse with each time . Well in the end this is the final version , which I still think could have been better .
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Blake pov
Blake : " It's not like that , Lappland . I never saw you as a dog or a toy , although from your or someone else's perspective it may have looked that way .... "
Blake : " What am I saying , even to me it looked that way , although those were never my intetinon. "
I say this with the painful awareness that it is true , even though I don't want it to be . But there was no point in lying . So I start speak frankly , without avoiding anything . Even if these words were to make Lappland even more angry . After all she would sense if I was lying anyway . But apparently this sincerity worked , as Lappland stood still . I don't know if she wants to listen to me or she just catch her breath before attacking me , but I didn't care when I kept talking despite the furious expression on her face .
Blake : " I feel something for you , but I could not understand it back when we were a kids . Certainly not before our night together ..... Before that one night , you were like a sister , a friend to me . And I at that time could not imagine more than that . Thanks to the books I understood the concept of love between the same sex but..... I was too young to think about it , much less think of you in that way . How can I love my sister in a romantic way ??? Especially since we were both girls . If it wasn't for our first time I would have never thought of such a possibility , that I like girls ."
Blake : " How could I have ever thought of the possibility that we could be a couple , if I back then , thought that I like men ??? And that's why , I thought I loved Adam . So after what happened between us , I was unsure if what I felt for you , was even correct at all . That's why even after that night ... I did not know what I felt . You , Adam , me ... A sense of obligation to white fang , to my dream or unconscious love for my female bestfriend which is like sister to me .... Believe me Lappy ... It all started to fall out of my hands ..... I was stupid ..... But this relationship started to fall apart when we were still kids . As a kid , I did not understand this type of love you gave me back then , Lappy . I understood them only after our first night , but then I was afraid of such change , and at the same time I could not let you go . "
I say starting to be a little dizzy , not from fear or my bleeding wound . But from emotions I can't express . After all , talking to my mother as much as painful , was completely different from talking to the person I hurt , person I love . Nevertheless I said Lappland as it looked to me from the beginning . Simply , as a child I could not think of Lappland in a romantic way . And once I started to think that way I was with Adam and I was afraid of change .
' I did not know that I could be interested in women . So of course what I felt for Adam seemed to me love at first sight . '
Feeling that I am lost in my thoughts , I stop to reflect on the past . Thinking about its will not change anything . With this on my minde , I take a longe breath , to calm down and continue.
Blake : " So, I never chose Adam , because he was better than you . I just thought you and I were too different ..... Adama was a guy who fulfilled in my eyes all the qualities that I thought matched my ..... Our dreams , plans and way of thinking of the world matched each other ... For me , a girl who reads romances he seemed to by my perfect men . I know this is not an explanation ..... And if it is , it is stupid . "
Blake : " But I was with Adam because I felt confident in my felings . And with you , because I needed it .... I have no explanation for this , it was the behavior of a typical , indecisive whore , driven by my own insecurity and sheer fear ... I was simply already with Adam at the time and that one night with you , threw my worldview out of balance ... This of course does not change how I treated you . I should have broken up with Adam but I didn't , which hurt you ."
I say looking into her enraged silver- blue eyes , which almost begin to give their silver glitter . According to what I thought , Lappland didn't like what I was saying at all . Seeing Lappland clench her white teeth with anger , the throbbing pain in my bleeding wound on my hand intensified . Forcing me to grab the wrist of the wounded hand to press it against my chest . This of course changed nothing , as the hand continued to bleed but at least it eased the pain .
Blake : " I was just comfortable with the knowledge of my relationship with Adam , but I couldn't live without you either .... You openly never said anything too . You never complained , and when you did , you only talked about Adam . You never refused to meet with me, you even often proposed it yourself ..... I never saw that there was anything wrong , you seemed happy. Yes , I could have guessed that you didn't like it or you suffered from it , but how was I supposed to do that ???? Yes it should have been obvious . But I wasn't sitting in your head either Lappland . "
I say , feeling stupid about it . But this is not a lie . Perhaps Lappland's offers were her way to draw me away from Adam , however she knew very well that I would not give up on him .
' This is not an argument , but Lappland could have left , broken up our relationship . How was I supposed to know how much she loved me . I really believed that if she didn't like it or that she was suffering through this secret relationship , she would leave me . Is it wrong that I thought so ???? I knew about Lappland's mental health condition however .... Is it really my mistake in thinking that someone feeling hurt , will let go ???? '
I think without saying it out loud . I have no idea what was in Lappland's mind at the time . However, one thing is certain , I did not want to force her into this relationship . We both did it consciously , no one forced anyone , and yet it seems that for Lappland there was no other option .
Blake : " And yes , I know , you have warn me about Adam and white fang . But the longer you went on this topic , the more it sounded like your attempt to attack me or Adam , rather than your willingness to protect me ... It just made me stop trusting you .... And this despite the fact that you never gave me a reason, you always told the truth but ..... but you also had never show me a proof . I really wanted to believe you . But evryone who remained in the organization and whom we knew , told me what a monster you are . You admitted it yourself Lappy !! ... The white fang at the time was flawless to me and you ... Everyone in my environment told me horrible things about you and how much I didn't believe them ..... After a year of listening to this , it burned into my mind."
Blake : " And when, you confessed to what they accused you of , I felt betrayed by you ..... I was stupid but I was also afraid of you Lappy !!! I don't know if I was afraid of your crazy state back then or I was afraid of the truth about white fang and Adam . I can't imagine how you must have suffered , but understand ... What I say is not meant to be a line of defense for me .... But how was I to know that everything I believed was a lie ???? How was I supposed to feel with my feelings for you , when at the same time my old self wanted everything to remain as it was before that night. I was afraid of what others would think , about us as a couple . Yes I know this is not a good explanation at all , it is awful . But I was really afraid of what mom or dad would say about us . I regret what I did to you ... I feel guilty for everything I did to you . "
I say looking at Lappland standing in front of me . Her expressionless face did not change , as she continued to look at me with her crazy eyes .
Blake : " I Don't Deserve Mercy or a Chance from you ... But I love you Lappland... No matter how crazy you are or how much you crave for fighting and blood ... I love you , I'm not afraid to admit it , not anymore "
Blake : " I don't expect that you continue to love me I don't know if I want such sincere feelings as yours , to be directed to me .... I know you must hate me , in the end you want to kill me ... However, please think of mom and dad . This is not about me , not about my life .... but about them . That's why I will do anything just to solve it differently ."
I speak trying to convey through my words as much emotion as I can . Which I think worked , because I saw Lappland momentarily flinch in reaction to my confession . However, immediately after that , her face contorted in anger .
Lappland: " I waited so long for these words , I was so afraid of them ..... As many nights as we spent together , how many kisses we had ..... And yet you never said it ."
Said Lappland with pain-filled words . And hearing her made me realize how much three simple words like " I love you " could change the whole course of our story . Feeling grief squeezing my heart , I had nothing more to say to Lappland. I had said what I wanted , now it was time for Lappland .
Lappland : " ...HaHaHAhAhaHAHA... HahaHaha ..... HahAHAhahHa !!!!! "
After a moment of silence beteen us Lappland began to giggle , after which she burst into a full-blown laugh . Which was not the least bit joyful . Her laughter was hoarse and full of satire , it sounded as if Lappland had nothing to describe her feelings other than this laughter . The laughter in which she threw out , her frustration and pain . As before I had nothing to say , I just stood still clutching the Wrist of my injured hand , looking at Lappland madness.
Lappland: " It hurts Blake ... All these years hurt so much ... You wanted so badly to talk to me about it , and now you only have so much to tell me ???? No attempts to defend yourself , no will to escape ???? You take it all on yourself Blake ... What happened to you ???? You always run away but now you stand in front of me .... You say you will do anything , right ???? "
Says Lappland , at first sounding flustered and furious . Then she became confused and surprised , only to ask me one last question with a strange calmness , to which I nodded in response , not taking my eyes off her eyes , which seemed as mad as before .
Lappland : So please .... Die for me , Blake !!!!! "
After her last words Lappland jumped on top of me . We were close enough that I couldn't avoid it . Besides , the pain in my injured hand , slowed me down even more . After knocking me down on the bed , Lappland immediately hit with her knee , just under my crotch . And at that same time she kept the foot of her other leg on the floor , so that by clasping it on the ground , she directly reinforced the force with which her hands hold my neck .
' I'm sorry mom but I can't fight it anymore . I don't even know how I could fix it , I don't want to run away from it . '
These were my thoughts , when I despite the attack of Lappland did not defend myself at all . Instead of fighting , my hands were on her beautiful face , to gently stroke her . Staining her with blood , which was flowing out slowly from my wounded hand . Not focusing on the pain , all the time I was looking into the beautiful and crazy eyes of Lappland was glazed with tears . I sincerely hoped that with this I would calm her down .
But world in my eyes began to blur for me , as less and less oxygen entered my body . Despite my attempts to restrain myself , I began to tense all my muscles to free myself , while I try to catch my breath . But then Lappland's grip on my neck , which at first hurt , became undetectable . At that moment , my healthy hand , with which I stroked Lappland's face had long since been on her wrists . Not to fight her .... I just wanted to grab her hand one last time .
I was afraid of what was happening , in my heart I didn't know what to do .Yes , I could fight her , but what is the point . Lappland has already recovered some of her strength so it will be very hard for me to fight , especially since Lappland is fighting to kill me , and I to stop her . I have less options and skills .
I could try to break free and run away , but what good will it do me . If Lappland wants to kill me I will have to run for the rest of my life afraid of every shadow and even if Lappy lets me escape , I will have nothing left . I don't want to die , I want to fight for my life . But my instinct and my heart , told me to continue to stroke her bloody and angry face . After all, I've always done it when Lappland gets angry . When I felt the lack of strength in my body , Lappy tears , which feell on me , provided me with a strange courage in my fears .
' If this is what you want , why are you crying Lappdumb ? '
I was wondering when suddenly the hold on my neck turned into a tender touch on my face . With a sudden deep breath the world in my eyes regained clarity . I wanted to cough and turn to the side to again catch my breath , but Lappland stopped me . The expression in her eyes changed completely , when with pure flustration , she looked at me with her beautiful teary eyes..
Lappland: " I hate you ... I hate you so much , because I love you ..... And how much I would like to erase you from my life ... But I can't . Maybe I hate you , but at the same time I still love you ... Blake , you have no idea , how much I struggle to not gouge out your eyes . But I know that when I kill you , I might as well kill myself . I still hate you, but I'm not indifferent to your life . Despite the hate I still love you. With your death I will lose everything , I still have ... "
Lappland said bringing her face closer to mine . Her gentle touch on my face again turned into her hands on my neck . However, this time her grip , was not strong enough to be painful or suffocating . For me it was more of a pleasant hold like she alweys do on me. Looking into Lappy eyes , I see her pupils contracted even more , as her breathing became uneven again . Lappland's knee , located between my legs , start to rubb against my crotch . All that happened today hurt me so much , what I did to Lappland and she did to me ... hurt .
And yet now I feel her lips on mine . The taste of her saliva mixed with blood took my breath away again ... Her tongue touching mine ..... Feeling her , I closed my eyes enjoying the feeling . Is this bad ? Is it normal ? She wanted to kill me and yet , now we are kissing . Feeling her knee over my crotch , and her hand playing with my cat ear, I had to stop myself from wrapping my weak legs around her body . The reason I did this was the pleasure I derived from her knee rubbing against my crotch . I will lost it , if I clung to her .
Blake : " mmmmmmm"
So in the end I could only mutter when I felt my toes curl .
' This is dysfunctional , abnormal ... This probably never had the right to be a normal relationship , but I love Lappdumb.... I love what she does to me . '
I thought while feeling the moisture between my legs . My hands despite the pain , coming from the wound , had long since undone the single gold button that Lappland still had on her destroyed " white " shirt with thin black stripse . Underneath , was her navy blue tight dress , which thanks to the rain , got wet and clung to Lappland body even more , allowing me to feel her body shape better . Her breasts , hips , belly . Just when my touch reached Lappland's hip her body tensed with pain . Reminding me of our earlier fight , in which I hit her in the stomach with my elbow . Thus making me realize once again , that at some point she really wanted to kill me .
' Now I don't know myself which one of us is the crazy one... '