Private stuff…
Mitch could barely get his mind around the shock of Jenny letting it all out to Kathryn, not just her life but his, too. His, too, before he was ready to deal with it. Without any thought of how it might impact on his relationship with Kathryn.
Yet as he listened to how the conversation had occurred, it sickened him that he hadn't realised…hadn't answered his sister's need. Chappel was dead. To his mind, that had ended it. Yet it was very clear now why Jenny had connected to Lara's situation. And Kathryn's arguments to assuage all the guilt were good arguments. Mitch doubted he could have done better himself, and possibly they were more cogent to Jenny, coming from an outsider looking at the situation objectively.
She's lovely.
An accolade well earned.
He knew he should feel relief that his sister's angst had been so comprehensively settled, should feel grateful to the woman who'd done it. But he felt raw—exposed—not knowing what Kathryn felt about his assault on Chappel, whether she'd linked it to how he'd dealt with Haynes.
Reason told him that she couldn't have made love with him if she had any negative feelings about what he'd done. Did this mean she had justified it all in her mind? Or was it all too fresh for her to assess properly, and the emotional time she'd spent with Jenny had spilled over into a desire to assuage his needs, too?
She was looking to him now for a response to all she'd told him, her lovely eyes troubled because of his silence. He was at a total loss for what to say, acutely conscious that she'd left out any comment on his actions and their outcome.
'I'm sorry if you feel I've intruded on what was none of my business, Mitch.'
'Jenny gave you no choice,' he acknowledged, hearing the terse note in his voice, unable to repress the tension coursing through him. All he could think of was he'd needed more time with Kathryn…more time…
'Does it matter…that I know?'
He forced himself to open up the big question in his mind. 'I guess that depends on whether it matters to you.'
'It gives me a better understanding of where you're coming from, Mitch.'
'What? A juvenile jailbird?' he mocked, wishing he could erase the memory of the violent rage that had once possessed him beyond all reason.
She now knew about Gundamurra, why he had been sent there. He'd disciplined the anger but it still grabbed him when injustices piled up, clawing at him. Even with Kathryn, giving more time to a man like Haynes when she was with him, putting her memories of that relationship ahead of what they had together.
'I don't think Gundamurra was a jail for you,' she said quietly. 'I think it gave you space…from where you were in your life.'
Space…yes. Space enough to make a big difference to where his life might have headed without Patrick Maguire's guidance.
'But I wasn't referring to your time at Gundamurra, Mitch,' she went on. 'I meant your…personal involvement with Gary Chappel.'
The assault.
He was not going to excuse it. Pain had been dealt out and pain had been dealt back. He did not regret that act. Never had. Though he didn't want to ever lose control of his own humanity again.
She dragged in a deep breath. Mitch found himself holding his, waiting for her judgement on him.
'I'm so sorry about letting Jeremy get in the way of your meeting my parents, Mitch. That was very wrong of me. Considering how he sided with the man who'd raped your sister, and tried to force me…it must have made you feel…'
Violent.
He'd wanted Kathryn to be his from the moment they'd met. And he'd forced himself to act honourably while she was hung up on a man who knew no honour. Where was the justice in that?
'Knowing what I do now,' she said ruefully, 'it must have been very difficult for you to be as you were…with me and my parents on Friday night.'
He'd been fighting for her. It seemed he'd been fighting for her all along. And right now he felt as though the mat had been swept out from under him, leaving him with no control over the outcome.
'I wish…with all my heart…I hadn't made it that way for you, Mitch. It wasn't fair.'
Nothing fair in love and war, he thought savagely. The old adages always held truth. Justice is blind…
'Please forgive me.'
He shook his head. 'There's nothing to forgive. You were being honest with me.'
'If I'd known the background…'
'It would have put a pressure on you I didn't want you to have. Nor do I want you to have it now,' he added fiercely. 'Trying to make up for something that had nothing to do with you.'
'Can't I care about what effect it's had on you, Mitch?'
His jaw clenched. What effect was she talking about? Did she think he needed the past raked over like Jenny? Guilt removed? He felt no guilt. 'Kathryn, I've been handling things since I was a boy. What makes you think I can't handle anything that's thrown at me?'
She heaved a long sigh. 'You can. And you do. You handle everything…brilliantly. Except…all this I've learnt today… I feel it goes right to the heart of the man you are…and you've shut me out of it…going it alone.'
Alone…
That one word hit so many chords, vibrating down the years to when he was a little boy starting school, trying to adjust to the fact that being too bright was unacceptable, that being able to read when others hadn't even begun to learn made him separate from them, a target to be beaten in other ways.
Alone and frightened when his mother was hospitalized for months and his father drank himself into a stupor every night, leaving him and Jenny to keep the household running for when their mother came home. Then when his father had deserted all three of them, the lonely responsibility of earning whatever he could so they could make ends meet, ensuring that bills were paid and whatever needed fixing was fixed.
No-one to lean on. No-one to share what he'd had to do. The closest he'd come to a sense of sharing was at Gundamurra, though he'd been different to Ric and Johnny, having a family who wanted him back, needed him back. But his mother was gone now. And Jenny… Jenny had turned to Kathryn, not him.
Kathryn…who was sliding down, resting her head on his chest, half- covering him, an arm around his waist, inserting a leg between his. 'You have such a big heart, Mitch,' she murmured, kissing him, trailing her mouth over where that very heart was beating with painful intensity. 'And I love you for it.'
She loved him?
'But I want you to let me into it. Not keep things from me any more.
Give me the chance to handle them, too.' She had handled them!
She wasn't worried about anything he'd done!
His hand lifted and stroked her hair, needing to reassure himself this wasn't a dream. It was real and he had to make a response that would satisfy her. His voice came out furred with a turbulent mix of emotion.
'I'm sorry…sorry I didn't tell you about Chappel from the start, but you were wearing another man's ring and I thought…' He could breathe easily again. He even laughed. 'It doesn't matter what I thought.'
In a surge of exhilarating energy, he rolled Kathryn onto her back and leaned over her, needing her to look into his eyes, know he was speaking with genuine sincerity. Deep sincerity.
'Thank you for what you did for Jenny. And you are very much in my heart, Kathryn. I just wasn't ready to open the doors you crashed through today, but I'm glad they're open now. Even more glad of the compassion and understanding you've shown over what has been revealed.'
Happy relief shone back at him. She stroked his cheek, touching, reaching into him. 'So you'll share more of yourself with me from now on?'
Share his whole life with her if she was willing to accept it. But there was no need to rush. Better not to. She might be wary of making a commitment for life after her experience with Haynes. He wanted her to be very, very sure of it.
He smiled. 'What are doing for Christmas this year?'