Everybody in this world desires something,something that they fancy with all their life. It could be money,fame,success,parental love,platonic love, friendship,beauty,power, revenge, anything! Human ambitions have no limits!
Everybody in college is involved in a rat race to excel more than others, to outshine others, develop their CV, do internships, part time jobs, anything that would not make them feel like a useless walking piece of flesh! Everybody is stressed, nobody is truly enjoying. Even when you see people having the time of their lives in parties, clubs,gatherings, always in the background of their minds is this recurring theme called 'Future'. "What does my future hold for me", "I gotta work hard if I want a sustainable future", "Damn,there are people being so productive and look at me, I don't even know where my interests lie, what I aspire to do. My future seems like a blank", "Is it weird that I haven't yet figured out what I want to do, weird that I am not inspired enough","Am I really useless and wasting time", "Is there some problem with me, I wasted so much time yesterday on that outing, I gotta get back on track now".....
These thoughts affect everyone and yes I am no exception but I have realised that comparison does no good and it is ok to work at your own pace and figure things out for yourself so if you were here to witness my journey of me regaining my self esteem, well you are pretty late. I have enough of it. I am K, yep my entire name is just one letter and I desire success and love, of which I have neither. However I am not disheartened or demoralised about it. I know I am freakin' privileged enough to even dream of my 'future' and I am grateful for it. I know if I work hard and keep on striving, I can achieve my dreams yep, BUT, yes there's a but. This freakin' competitive environment in today's world,a by product of capitalism and materialism, makes me want to shut myself out! Don't get me wrong, I am pretty materialistic myself, but these huge never ceasing levels of competition and comparison give me stress and existential crisis. Though I am doing better now, THOSE were the bad days! As for a partner, unfortunately I am straight and guys who aren't misogynistic and open to understanding how the patriarchal system modeled by their species has had us women exploited and don't hold themselves accountable are rare. Heck , feminism has become a joke amongst them!( I am aware there are some toxic feminists who confuse feminism with women empowerment. I am not here for that and I also call women out when they are in the wrong).
Watching so many isekai animes, I wouldn't lie if I said it is my dream to be a part of that world. Something that is unexplored,unattained and unknown! Like come on, think about it! How exciting and adventurous would it be? Something out of the bOring mundane life, out of these shackles of being a responsible productive student and just venturing! Sounds awesome to me! Like don't even get me started on how much I would wish for a hole to open in the middle of my bed late at night when I am asleep, to engulf me in and then have me open my eyes in a NEW WORLD! If this was possible, I would desire THis instead of success and love!
And when you least expect it, you have it. Life is funny with all the mood swings it has, does life go through periods? Just wondering. In the midst of my this very introspection which I am btw doing at the terrace of my house, I hear someone call me from behind. Weird cause I am supposed to be the only living entity here. I turn around and 'surprise surprise' I find a guy there. WOAH I totally saw this coming and I am not freaking out to find a stranger on my rooftop knowing my name, standing there smiling, giving me the creeps! I am calm dudes! CHILL OUT!
He is quite good looking, not gonna lie, seems 2-3 years older than me. Nonetheless I dont find it amusing enough to romanticse him , FOR all I know he could kill me right now without any single soul knowing. AND since when the freakin' fu*k is he here? Am I that oblivious of my surroundings, damn if I were to be an animal, I would definitely be a rabbit waiting to be fed to a wolf! Funny how I like to believe that wolves are my spirit animal since I love them. They are so cool! Anyways with my non-related thoughts out of the topic, I gather my courage, wear on my facade of The brave, savage girl I am, carefully concealing the inner scared girl who is in turmoil right now. I ask "Who are you?" Starting from the pretty basic you know. He replies in his deep velvety voice, (yeah, puberty has been really good to him), "I am Felix" and then he goes to sit on the terrace wall elegantly with one leg over the other, back straight. Dude ever considered going for modelling? "And? You know I expect answers! Who are you and how did you even get on my terrace and how do you know my name?" multiple scenarios plague my mind and NONE I would want to be validated. He smiles, that 'it is difficult to explain but I will try nonetheless' smile with a sigh."I am Felix, a fallen angel". What the freakin' fu*k? Fallen angel? Are those things even real? What kind of dreams am I seeing? Does this guy think I was born yesterday? "Haha yeah I believe you. Let us try again. WHO. THE. FUCK. ARE. YOU?" I ask angrily. He calmly raises his hands in surrender. "Woah woah chill girl. I knew you wouldn't believe me but damn you are quite hostile" he says while fucking chuckling." Do you expect me to believe this shit? Like wow one day I went for a walk on my terrace and I came across a fallen angel from paradise, yeah they are pretty common in my area" I mock. He laughs."Well you are right at your place to be sceptical. I will show you". Suddenly I... I can't even explain it. It was too much but lasted only a second. I saw it. I freakin' SAW IT! Felix makes eye contact with me, and I see a vision. Nothing I recognised or clicked with. There were angel like creatures, I dont know arguing, seemed like they had formed an association and they were retaliating against an individual. Tho undoubtedly that individual was more powerful than all their powers combined, he was definitely a higher being. The power oozed off him but his face was wilted. His face had a sad frown and his eyes held a look of brokenness, like he felt an indescribable amount of hurt that no one who hasn't been through it could understand.Like he blamed himself for whatever predicament they were in. And just like that it went away. I was about to hysterically scream at Felix for whatever psychological trick he pulled however as he looked at me, head tilted with a serious expression, I knew better than to doubt. He was serious. He just showed me a vision! I got terribly scared. What does he want from me? "wh..what was that and wh.. why did you show me that. I understand nothing". Felix heaves a sigh and then gives a weak smile.
" I am a fallen angel. Not because I was banished from heaven but.." He looks down then looks at me and continues again
" Because paradise has been lost"
"Hence I fled."