I was unsure of what to say when I would finally face Killan. My mind was a whirlwind of emotions. There was a part of me that understood the reasoning behind their decision to fake my death in the eyes of Springgan and allow me to live peacefully with my siblings. It's what I had always wanted. But my heart seemed to protest against the developments between Killan and Princess Lanuza. Didn't he love me? What if I told him that I loved him too?
Kenru's eyes had been on me, his gaze returning to me every now and then as we made our way through the underground passage of House Calore. I couldn't fathom how he had managed to secure access to such a heavily guarded area. He was an excellent spy, after all.
"Why are you doing this, Kenru?" I finally asked.
"It's my duty to present you with all the possibilities and choices," he replied.
I remained silent. Kenru often spoke about duty. It was his way.
The sound of our footsteps echoed on the old brick floor as we walked. The air grew heavy with anticipation the closer we got. The scent of moss and dampness filled the atmosphere. The weight of the realization that this might be our final conversation hung over me.
We walked several meters inside the castle, and I lost track of our location. My time here had been brief. I hadn't had the chance to memorize the layout of the castle. I wish I had. I wish I still could.
Slowly, we ascended the staircase that would lead us to Killan's whereabouts. I wondered how Kenru seemed to know everything, even the whereabouts of people. There were no guards along the path we traversed, and we easily entered the study hall of the castle, where we expected to find the prince.
We encountered a few butlers before reaching the study hall. Fortunately, we were both wearing long cloaks that might have concealed our identities. We swiftly entered the expansive room surrounded by towering bookshelves.
As we were about to walk toward the grand royal study table at the far end of the room, I accidentally brushed against a display book on a small table beside a large antique shelf. The book fell with a thud, making a noticeable noise. I was about to retrieve the fallen display book when I heard a familiar voice.
"Who's there?" he asked, his footsteps hurrying in the direction of the fallen book.
I froze. I held the book in my hand, on the verge of returning it to the display table. Our gazes met as he approached.
Just looking at him caused my heart to shatter into fragments. His exquisite form, his face, his dark eyes, and those enticing lips. Such beauty. A beauty I could never truly possess. He blinked, reminding me of the first time we met.
My heart skipped a beat as he walked toward me with deliberate steps. "Idrish?" he inquired, though not to confirm my identity.
I lowered the hood of my cloak, revealing my face. Our eyes locked. My throat tightened.
His lips parted slightly, his jaw dropping involuntarily. His eyes began to mirror the longing he had for me. "W—why? Weren't you supposed to be with Poras and Cali?"
My heart cracked, the pain relentless. "I just wanted to see you and bid you good—"
"I didn't want to subject you to further pain by asking you to stay, Idrish. I know how much you've yearned for a peaceful life. So, when the opportunity arose to orchestrate your 'death' and offer you a chance at that peace, I agreed."
"Did you really want me gone because you believed it's what I wanted?"
"I only want your happiness," his voice quivered. His eyes glistened with tears, his lips pressed together to stifle any trace of sorrow.
"Did you ever bother to find out what truly makes me happy?" I asked, my voice choked as I struggled to hold back my sobs.
He shook his head slightly, taking a step closer to me, reaching out to touch both my shoulders.
"Back in the arena, you admitted you loved me," my tears flowed freely. I sighed and continued, "W—will anything change if I tell you that I love you too?"
The prince seemed taken aback, his expression a mixture of surprise and disbelief. He brushed his thumb over my shoulder blades. He lowered his head, seemingly at a loss for words after hearing mine. The pain in his eyes was perceptible, much like my own. He sniffled and spoke, "I love you. I really do. That's why I'm letting you go because I love you so much."
His words resonated with me. I understood what he meant. I had always understood.
"We can't survive in this world together just yet, Idrish. I have to save you from losing yourself. This world is harsh, and I don't want to drag you into darkness with me. I'm afraid that if I let you stay with me, the Idrish I love might vanish. I might lose you for good."
"I understand. I don't hold any grudges against any of your decisions. I was just wondering if there was ever a chance that you thought about fighting for me? For us? Tell me honestly."
He didn't answer immediately. His gaze was fixed on me, his eyes searching mine for something. Then he spoke again, his voice quivering, "If you don't keep your promise to find me in this lifetime or the next, I will. I just want to keep you safe. I'm letting you go, but if the time ever comes when we can't be together yet, or if we can no longer be together and you suddenly miss me, remember that I didn't walk away, I let you go."
I fully comprehended Killan's situation, his reasons. It hurt, but I recognized that it was the situation that upset me, not him. So, to make it easier for him to move on, without hesitation I replied, "I didn't walk away, Killan. You let me go. Always remember that your reasons were noble. Don't chase after me if the time isn't right. If circumstances suggest that we can't be together yet, or if we can no longer be together, and you find yourself missing me, remember that it was not me who walked away; it was you who let me go."
He reached out and gently cupped my face in his warm and trembling hands. Tears streamed down his cheeks. He tried to smile, but his heartache was too profound for his lips to manage. And then, for one last time, his lips met mine. It was a kiss that held tenderness and passion, a kiss that conveyed everything we couldn't put into words.
As our lips finally parted, tears flowed freely from both of us.
"Goodbye, Prince Killan... my husband," I whispered before stepping away from him. My heart felt heavy as I walked out of the study hall.
Call my name... Just call my name and it will change everything, my mind silently begged.
But he didn't.
I started to run back through the underground passage. I could hear Kenru's footsteps following behind me, but my ears were deaf to his presence. Tears stained my face as I sprinted through the darkness. I could hear Kenru's footsteps trailing me, but my ears seemed to have lost the ability to distinguish sound amidst the intensity of my heartache.
Finally, I emerged from the underground passage of House Calore. I continued to run until I reached the snowy forest.
"Idrish, wait up!" Kenru called after me, his voice filled with determination.
I slowed down to a brisk walk, wiping my tears away amidst the trees. My chest ached as I struggled to regain my breath. I turned to face Kenru.
He stood there, gradually making his way toward me.
"He's right. He's painfully right," I nearly shouted.
Kenru listened intently, observing me without a word. His gaze remained steady.
"We can't be together in this cruel world. I can't defy the odds. He can't. Not yet."
"You will. Someday you will. And that journey begins today."
"H—how?" I inquired, my eyes locked onto his dark gray gaze.
"Do you trust me?"
I swallowed before responding. I had noticed his peculiar behavior earlier, but it wasn't enough to erode my trust in him. Kenru had proven his loyalty to me time and again. I had no doubts.
"Do you trust me, Idrish?" he repeated, his grip tightening on both my arms.
"Yes," I replied, my voice filled with conviction.
"Always remember, Idrish, that no matter what happens, my loyalty will always be with you." His eyes held a sincerity that was undeniable. He regarded me as though I were a treasure he could never afford to lose. I was surprised to see tears forming in his eyes.
In an unexpected turn of events, I felt a sudden, sharp, and icy sensation pierce my abdomen and strike my heart. It was as if in an instant, the lifeline in my chest was severed. I sensed my own lifeblood draining from the wound. I could feel Kenru lifting my weakening body.
Gradually, a sensation of weakness began to overwhelm me. Before I knew it, I collapsed, and my vision faded away.
Before I could succumb to the void, I heard a familiar voice from behind me, a voice engaged in conversation with Kenru. "Is it done?" the powerful voice asked.
"Yes, Your Grace. The winter heiress is dead," Kenru responded.
A broken heart.
A soul shattered by endless betrayals.
A life that had been lifeless since its inception.
This is how my journey ends. This is what it all signifies. My life is a song of winter. A song of death.
Under the mourning pine tree let me be laid.
Come, oh cold death let me be swayed.
As the lonely white snow dissolves the heat.
My life shall fly away as it takes my breath.
My life, my honor, and dignity be slain.
Let my royal armour be torn and stained.
My life's a feat though I've tasted defeat.
I have fought so true as my heart beats.
Go away memory, go away, go away!
Leave with my soul as my body falls in the hay.
Let there be strown on my lonely grave.
Honor me as a friend, a warrior so brave.
Tis, my last words shall be brought forth.
As the deadly solstice forest embraces my fate.
Remember me.
Remember me, with or without grace...