I was still grieving over the loss of my parents. I am having a hard time accepting their loss. I had been feeling this bad since my parents died, and I feel like my parents death is my fault.I should have stayed with them a little longer before I left for college.
So, I went to see a psychiatrist, Dr. Taylor Rollins. Age forty-five, and has been a psychiatrist in North Dakota for twenty five years. Dr. Rollins explained to me that I could be suffering from depression, PTSD, or complicated grief. I have heard of antidepressants, and anti anxiety medications, but I never heard of complicated grief.
So I explained to Dr. Rollins about Hannah, and how I think I should have tried harder to help Hannah during her trial.
I was quiet for about two minutes and I eventually started to tell Dr. Rollins about my parents death. I am blaming myself because of what happened to my parents, and what happened to my client.
Dr. Rollins sighed.
I can see that you're a little overwhelmed," Dr. Rollins said.
"Yeah, I—I guess you could say I have been," I answered back.
"Hm," Dr. Rollins said.
Losing a loved one is one of the most distressing and, unfortunately, common experiences people face. Most people experiencing normal grief and bereavement have a period of sorrow, numbness, and even guilt and anger.
Gradually these feelings ease, and it's possible to accept loss and move forward. For some people, feelings of loss are debilitating and don't improve even after time passes. This is known as complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life.
Different people follow different paths through the grieving experience. The order and timing of these phases may vary from person to person:
1. Accepting the reality of your loss
2. Allowing yourself to experience the pain of your loss
3. Adjusting to a new reality in which the deceased is no longer present
4. Having other relationships
These differences are normal.
But I was unable to move through these stages more than a year after the death of my parents. I may have complicated grief. If so, I needed treatment. It can help me come to terms with the loss and reclaim a sense of acceptance and peace.
So Dr. Rollins has mentioned to me about a social group based on grief. More like social media support groups, like the one's on Facebook.
I thought it was a good idea. It may help me move on from life and recover.
I really wanted to move on, but this grief has been overwhelming for me and I was having trouble moving on from Hannah and my parents.
I sighed. It was three thirty when I had come out of the psychiatric office and I went up to my car.
I unlocked my compact car, and I sat inside of it. I turned on the engine, and I just sat there in my seat, thinking. Jacob had texted me because I gave him another gift for his birthday and it was an android phone.
I grabbed the cell phone, and read Jacob's text message. Jacob was recently in a fight, and the principal of Sheyenne High School has expelled Jacob from his school. I sighed once again, "Great," I softly said to myself.
Can it just get any worse?
I grabbed the gear and put it in reverse. I backed out of the parking lot, and I put the gear in drive and I left the clinic. As soon as I arrived at the school, I went inside. Principal Mallows was explaining to me about what Jacob did that got him expelled for being violent towards another student.
I apologized to Mr. Mallows, and I sighed, turning to Jacob, and I got a little frustrated with Jacob. Jacob sighed, rolling his eyes.
I told Jacob to get his stuff together and I stormed out of the principal's office, and Jacob stood from his seat and followed me to my car.
Jacob then opened the passengers door, after I had already sat in my driver's seat. Jacob sat inside the car, and shut the door.
I kept thinking on how to tell Jacob what I was feeling. Jacob is probably feeling guilty as well, and I got upset with Jacob asking Jacob why he laid a hand on another one of his classmates.
"I'm sorry," Jacob said, softly.
I scoffed, chuckled, "I don't understand why you would want to be so angry with someone? I mean, what did they do? Did they call you a bad name or something?" Jacob sighed, "He was telling me I belong in prison, and that I did kill Izza," Jacob said.
I shook my head no, "But that doesn't mean you lay a hand on them, Jake," I said in frustration.
"I'm sorry, it's just—George Handerson has been constantly trying to make me feel bad, and now the whole school knows about what happened to Izza," Jacob said.
I sighed, closing my eyes. Jacob turned his head facing the window of the passenger's seat.
I opened my eyes and I cleared my throat. I apologized to Jacob about being upset and frustrated with him.
Jacob understood, "I'm sorry, too," Jacob answered back.I swallowed my saliva down my throat, and I explained to Jacob that I went to see a psychiatrist.
"Why?" Jacob asked, wondering.
"I—I was feeling guilty," I said to Jacob.
"Why?" Jacob asked, frowning.
"It's kind of hard to explain," I answered back to Jacob.
"Is it because of the loss of our parents?" Jacob wondered.
I went silent for a moment, and I thought Jacob was going through the same grief as I was. Jacob was very understanding, Jacob did tell me he was feeling guilty, too.
"You have nothing to be ashamed about," I said to Jacob, "you are not responsible for what happened to mom and dad," I said. "But why do you feel like you're responsible for what happened?"
I cleared my throat, "It was before I had gone to college, I had an argument with mom and dad. I never did tell them I loved them before I left, because I blamed them for always wanting for me to fight for my own life no matter how many times I wanted to give up," I said to Jacob.
"What do you mean?" Jacob asked.
"Um," I said, before Jacob asked me what I was talking about once again.
I closed my eyes, and sighing, "I had been diagnosed with leukemia," I said softly to Jacob.
"You had cancer?" Jacob softly asked.
"Yeah, I was only fourteen. You were still a baby at the time, and by the time I graduated high school at sixteen, I was able to move on after I beat cancer," I nicely said to Jacob.
"What? Why didn't you just say something to me?" Jacob softly asked, wondering, Jacob felt bad for me.
"I know, I just, I just wanted for you to be happy, ya know? I mean with everything going on, the trial coming up, losing mom and dad, I figured you had enough to worry about," I said to Jacob.
"But, how are you feeling now?" Jacob asked.
"I've been in remission for ten years now, and my oncologist thinks I can live a normal life without having to worry about my own health," I said to Jacob.
"I am so sorry, I wished this was me instead of you," Jacob softly said.
"You don't need to say that," I answered back.
"Why?" Jacob asked. I sighed, "I promise you, cancer isn't something you want," I said to Jacob.
"But you are okay?" Jacob asked, wondering, once again.
"Yeah, and I am doing pretty well so far. I got a good job, and I am able to take care of you, as my brother," I said to Jacob, smiling.
"I am glad to hear that," Jacob answered back, and he smiled.
"Yeah, me too," I answered back to Jacob. I smiled at Jacob once again, and I was glad to tell Jacob about what happened to me.
I felt sort of relieved.
But I still blamed myself because of my parents not being around. I blamed myself because I never told my parents I loved them. I wished I had. I regret it every single day. But I know my parents have forgiven me. I have always forgiven them.