What Fate Means

TAYLOR'S POV

The fact that I had to wear this black sequined dress that seemed to block out my air way and cause me to be light headed every now and then with these stupid heels that made me seem like Sandra Bullock even though I am more of Mila Kunis' height on Christmas day pissed me off more than anything my boss ever made me do did.

Having to smile at a bunch of rich people in expensive ass clothes and wish them a merry Christmas when all you really wanted to do was snuggle in your blanket and watch reruns of The Big Bang Theory while eating unhealthy food was really annoying and tasking. Fake smiling was a talent and anyone who could pull it off deserved an award. I deserve an award. 

My boss, Salvador Crane, was busy saying hello to the owner of The Five Star Hotels and – oh my God! – kissing up to him. I can't believe Salvador made me crawl out of bed at 9:00PM just to watch him flirt with Mr. Sheikspeare.

The music, the chatter, the smell of wine and champagne mixed with whiskey and bourbon and the overall ambience of the hall made me sick to my stomach. I hadn't had dinner yet but decided against it when I felt my stomach move up my throat.

Greeting old business men and their gold digger wives was exhausting. I had told Salvador not to accept the invitation that Mr. Sheikspeare sent him for his Christmas party but he did not listen to me. He thought that it was a great idea to mingle and get on the good side of the number one business man in America. I thought that he was already on his good side since he got an invite. I guess my opinion didn't matter to him at all.

I managed to ward off Mr. Ammason, but just as I was about to head off to the direction of the buffet table – despite all opposition made by my tummy – Mr. Crane decided it was time for me to meet the host.

I wanted to pretend like I didn't see him gesturing towards me to go over to him, but Mr. Sheikspeare saw me and smiled at me and it was a little too hard to pretend like I didn't see that. 

"Good evening sir. Merry Christmas to you." My billion dollar smile was on display and Maguire Shiekspeare couldn't help but be impressed by it. 

"Merry Christmas to you too, Miss Jennings. I hope the whole thing is to your liking?" he asked, gesturing to the hall.

I didn't know whether he thought I was some big shot or if he knew that I was just a secretary as he asked me whether I thought his party was impressive but the way he acted towards me was like he thought of me as the former.

"I honestly can't complain. It is quite lovely. I didn't want to say this in case it may offend you, but Gemini Hall is the loveliest of all the Halls."

He chuckled and leaned closer to me and whispered, "It's my favourite Hall, but don't tell anyone I said that. I want it all to myself." 

I smiled lightly and prayed silently to the heavens to let the ground open up and swallow me. Talking to Maguire Shiekspeare was really nerve wracking. The man oozed confidence and stupid money and talking to people who were that rich always made me nervous.

My palms were beginning to sweat and my throat was itching for one of those strawberry champagnes that were being passed around by the servers.

"I wished I had a secretary like you…"

So he did know what I was.

"Salvador told me about how competent you are."

I turned to face my boss and he winked at me and smiled. A small smile appeared on my face to match his.

"Mine's a little too old to be doing what he's doing. I need young blood."

"Well, that's too bad Maguire, she's already mine and I'm not planning on letting her go any moment from now."

Maguire laughed out loud and patted Salvador's shoulder. 

"You better keep to your word Salvador. I'll be keeping an eye out just in case."

It made me feel good about myself when my boss bragged about my competence and his colleagues started to bicker about wanting me to work for them. But when I think about the fact that they are mostly grubby old men with pot bellies and wives, a shiver runs down my spine and I lose my appetite for the rest of the day. For some reason though, I didn't feel the same way when Maguire Shiekspeare said that.

Someone else came to join our little gathering and I was soon forgotten. Since it didn't seem like I was needed anymore, I took permission from my boss to leave and headed straight to the first roof. 

I regretted doing that as soon as the cold air hit me and I realised I wasn't with my coat.

I thought of going back down to get it but the image of old men in fancy suits and pot bellies got into my head and I figured it would be better to die from hypothermia.

Looking at the city at night from the top of a roof as high as Gemini Hall's was breathtaking. All the lights down were lit and considering it was Christmas time the lights were even more beautiful and bright. 

For a few moments, I forgot about how cold it was and just soaked in the view. This was the kind of scenery one would love to share with someone they loved.

On cue, the image of Chris popped into my head. I was certain he was busy enjoying surfing and not having to wear four layers of clothes. That would explain why he hasn't called me since the 23rd.

I reached into my little clutch purse to bring out my phone but stopped midway when I heard shuffling noises coming from the side.

I thought I was the only person up here.

More noises were heard and a shiver ran down my spine.

Curiosity got the better of me and I found myself heading towards that direction. My heart came right out of my chest the moment I saw what I did.

Standing dangerously close to the edge of the roof was a young man clad in a black tux. I couldn't properly see his face since he was facing the end of the roof but I could tell he was young by his profile.

One of his legs was already on the other side of the railings and he was in the process of taking the other one across.

I can't bear to watch this.

Not knowing what to do in a situation like this, I closed my eyes first. Then I reasoned that not seeing him do it doesn't exactly stop him from doing what he intended to do and if he did end up doing it with me there, I'd be haunted by him for the rest of my life.

Chris would know what to do here.

Well, too bad, he isn't here right now, but you are. Think Taylor, think.

Just as he was about to swing his other leg over, an idea popped into my head. I wouldn't say it was the best one but an idea was an idea regardless.

"Oh my God!" I exclaimed all too loudly. The figure stood still and waited a while before turning to face me. I pretended to not notice him and continued with my charade.

"That was a freaking shooting star. I needed that tonight. Quick Taylor, make a wish."

I closed my eyes and pretended to make a wish. When I was done I opened my eyes and turned to the person that was trying to do injustice to himself. Thankfully he was no longer standing over the railings but was on levelled ground – roof – with me.

I knew he was young but I didn't think he was this young. 

Hazel eyes attached to an oval face with a well defined jawline and black mop of hair on top his head stared right back at me. I could have sworn he was still in high school.

He was staring at me with a straight face and I had no idea what he was thinking. I felt like he was going to push me off with the way he kept staring at me.

With my heart racing a mile a second, I gathered all the courage I had and proceeded to talk to him.

"Did you see that falling star? I hope you made a wish?"

I prayed in my head that he would fall for whatever nonsense I was spewing and forget about what he wanted to do up here in the first place.

The cold grew stronger and I shivered again, rubbing my hands up and down my arms to keep myself warm.

"There was no shooting star. I didn't see one."

His voice was low and even and it sounded so divine in my ears.

Oh sweet baby Jesus!

"I guess I am even more drunk than I thought I was." Releasing a very dry chuckle that sounded fake and awkward even to me, I made that sweeping motion of my hands over my arm again. I really should have gone down to get my coat.

Roof Guy kept ogling me and I felt like I was being scrutinised. He moved closer to me and I was so certain that he was going to push me off the roof.

Surprisingly, he took off his jacket and hung it over my shoulder. I was more surprised at how warm I got than at the gesture.

"You shouldn't have come up here without your coat. It's freezing."

Did I mention that he had an amazing voice? Really, it's like butter to my ears.

Snap out of it, Taylor.

"Don't y-you need your jacket too? I bet you also feel cold."

"I like the way it looks on you more than it does on me," he said lowly. I wanted to believe that he only meant to say that to himself and that he had no intentions of letting me know what he was thinking.

My cheeks warmed up at that statement and I prayed he didn't see me blush.

You are falling for the flattery of a child. Get it together Taylor.

"Besides," he said a little more loudly this time, "a dead man doesn't need a jacket to keep the cold away."

I legit choked on my saliva.

Amusement danced about in his hazel eyes as he watched me struggle to suck in air. 

"What?" I almost screeched, after I had managed to calm myself down. 

"What? You did know what I was about to do, right? That's why you made up that shooting star story and pretended to be drunk so your lie wouldn't be found out."

My face went red and this time it wasn't from being complemented.

I can't believe he caught on! I thought I was doing a pretty great job acting like I was drunk and the shooting star story seemed believable. I guess it makes sense that he didn't believe it seeing that he was facing the direction of the sky.

"Yeah. I wasn't really planning on saying it out rightly like that but I figured since you decided to be a buzzkill I may as well get something out of it by making you look as red as Rudolph's nose."

He chuckled lightly at his own joke and I couldn't help but wonder if it was the same guy that tried to jump just a few moments ago.

What in the world could have made him think of doing something like that?

Silence enveloped us and I tried my best to think of something sensible to say. I guess he was way past thinking I was smart but still, I had to redeem myself.

"Why this roof?" I found myself asking before I could even stop myself.

Go on Taylor. Sputter more nonsense and look even more stupid.

"Excuse me?"

Despite common sense screaming at me to shut the hell up and walk away, the senseless side of me that always persists decided against it and went on. 

"Why Gemini Hall's roof? Why not the Brooklyn bridge or The Empire State building or maybe even your apartment? You look like you live somewhere high enough for jumping to occur and give the desired results."

Oh my God! Taylor, you did not just say that. Just find a hole right now and crawl into it ASAP!

Roof Guy looked frozen and for a second I thought the cold might have gotten to him. But then he burst out laughing and I was proven otherwise.

"What? The hell… ?" He was still laughing and found it a bit difficult to voice his thoughts. I don't know why but I joined him.

"What?" I asked, shrugging my shoulders. "You're the one who started this whole direct conversation thing when you decided to call me out on faking my drunken state to prevent you from jumping off the roof of Maguire Shiekspeare's Hotel. I'm just going with the flow."

"Oh yeah?" he asked with a smile still on his beautiful face.

"Yeah."

That's right Taylor. Tonight you be crazy and just say whatever pops into your head. You do that every other night but still, tonight's the night you need not worry about your tongue.

"Okay. Em, to answer your question, let's just say I'm… I'm a bit overdramatic."

"You're a bit overdramatic?" I asked, sharing the same smile with him. He nodded and placed his hands in his pocket.

He probably felt cold and I felt bad for wearing his jacket like that. 

"That doesn't make sense at all," I replied, deciding that it was best to just go on with the present conversation than to start up a new one that may end sourly.

"I mean, considering your earlier outburst, I personally think that you share the same view as me about over-dramaticness."

I couldn't help but flame up as he mentioned my embarrassing attempt at diversion.

"Can you not bring that up again, please?"

His smile brightened and he shook his head.

"I promise you, for as long as we are on this roof together, I will not let the matter slide. I can't be the only one feeling stupid up here."

"Oh, so you feel stupid?"

"Of course I feel stupid. I got caught before I could accomplish what I came here to do. I was to be found down there on one of Maguire Shiekspeare's luxury cars."

Damn! That took a dark turn pretty quick.

I tried to not bring up the incident, but I guess it couldn't be avoided. 

He seemed too nonchalant about it but I couldn't continue to act like I just caught him trying to throw a bag of marshmallows over the roof. 

My facial expression couldn't help going from playful and teasing to serious and worried. Roof Guy noticed the change and groaned exaggeratedly.

"Oh my God! Don't tell me you want to start talking to me about why I shouldn't do it?"

I bit my bottom lip and looked down at my heels. My feet were turning blue from the tightness of the heels and the cold breeze that fanned against them. If I didn't leave the rooftop soon enough, I may be carried down in an ambulance. Or at the very least on Roof Guy's back.

"And here I was thinking we were just gonna joke about the whole issue and then part ways and continue on with our night. You really are a buzzkill."

He walked towards where he was standing before and sat down on the fake grass that covered the floors. 

Carefully, I walked over to him and crouched down beside him.

His face was no longer housing that playful smile with eyes that twinkled with delight but was now covered in a sadness that I could not explain or even fathom.

He looked like he was going to cry but tried his best to hold the tears back in.

His hand was placed over his eyes and it blocked me from seeing his face.

"Don't do it," I said quietly. I didn't think he heard me because he didn't reply or make a gesture but after a while he let his hand drop from his face and stared at me.

"Aren't you supposed to ask why I want to do it in the first place?"

His voice was hoarse and shaky and when I looked at him closely I saw that he had cried. My heart ached for him.

Oh sweet baby Jesus!

Regardless of the fact that he was crying because of a very serious issue, I couldn't help but notice how much more handsome he looked with his eyes all red and swollen and his lips all pouty and sad.

Taylor, you are the sickest psycho on the planet, you know that, right?

"I don't think the reason matters. What matters is that you don't do it. You fight it instead."

He chuckled humorlessly and I felt like he was mocking me.

"Fight it? You have no idea how hard I've tried to fight it. I am stuck in that bottomless pit with absolutely no way out of it. I'm tired of trying."

He let the tears flow freely now. The last time I saw a guy cry was three years ago when Chris wouldn't stop crying about something. He never told me what it was but he did say he was okay after he did.

Watching Roof Guy cry now made me think of Chris and my heart started to ache again.

"Have you thought of the people that you'd leave behind? Don't you think they'll be really sad."

He was quiet for a while and he wiped his tears before answering.

"You sound just like that person I was planning on leaving behind. But, you know, less shouty."

I smiled and he smiled back. It didn't dawn on me then the implication of his words.

"Then it's safe to say that person is wise," I said smugly. He snickered.

"I wouldn't go that far."

I fake glared at him and tsked and I got a chuckle out of him in return.

Progress is being made.

"She tells me to fight it. That I shouldn't give up and that I should try to live my life to the fullest but the thing is, I don't want to live it anymore. I'm tired of it."

My thighs were starting to ache from squatting for so long and my feet decided that they didn't want to function anymore. In order to not embarrass myself any further by falling flat on my ass, I decided to take a seat beside him on the grass.

"That's not true."

He looked at me like I was talking gibberish and raised his brow at me as if to say, "Really?"

"It's not that you don't want to live. It's just that you don't want to keep living the way you are. In fact, you want to live your best life. But it seems like your current life is stopping you from doing it."

Silence ensued. For a while we just both sat there staring up at the night sky. Faint noises could be heard from afar and we figured it was the rest of New York trying to have a wonderful Christmas.

Unable to take the pain anymore, I took off my shoes and placed them beside me on the grass. Freedom was very much welcomed but it is true that freedom came with a price. My feet were even colder than they were before because of how naked they were.

Oh please let my toes not fall off. I need them to play Dance Dance Revolution with Jeremy and beat her for once.

"How did you know?" Roof Guy asked, breaking the silence.

"I was once in your shoes. And a very wise woman made me understand that I did in fact want to live, just not the way I was back then. I didn't know any other way to go about it but she told me that I had the power to live the life that I wanted to live. All I needed was the confidence to utilise that power."

"Did it work?" he asked.

"Fast-forward to 10 years later. What do you think?"

I smiled when I saw the surprised look on his face. At least I managed to daze him a little.

He was out of his confused state and was back to looking like a dejected puppy.

"I don't think the same principle applies to me. My supposedly smart woman told me almost the same thing but I haven't gotten around to following her advice. It's not as simple to follow as it sounds, you know.

"I feel…I feel like I'm in a bottomless pit with no way out and no matter how hard I try to come out, it seems that my efforts only make me fall deeper. I am scared and alone in that pit. There is no end to it. The only way I see it ending is by really…ending it."

Well it's kinda hard to argue with that logic.

It's okay Taylor, you can do this.

"Have you ever thought that the only reason why you are sinking is because you're carrying all that weight that keeps pushing you down? The fear of trying something different, the anxiety that follows, the pressure that is applied to you every single day? Don't you think that if you let all of that go, you'd be just fine?"

He let out a dry chuckle and threw his head back so that it hit the wall. That must have hurt a lot but he didn't look like it did.

"That's not as easy to do as it sounds, okay? I have been trying since I was thirteen."

Damn! What on earth would have happened to a 13 year old to make him depressed?

He moved forward and it seemed like he was going to try and hit his head against the wall again. I placed my hand against the wall behind his head just in case. 

My suspicions were confirmed when he lurched his head backwards again. Luckily for him, my hand was there to cushion the blow.

He turned to face me slowly and his glare was met with a wry smile from my end.

"Maybe, if you try harder, it'll get easier. Consistency is key, you see. All you have to do is get rid of all that baggage that's weighing you down and maybe you'll start to float right out of that pit."

Roof Guy sighed and relaxed against the wall. He looked up at the sky and just stared unblinkingly at the stars.

"My smart woman didn't tell me this though." The words came out in whispers but I heard it quite clearly.

"I guess that makes me smarter," I said, relaxing against the wall while grinning from ear to ear.

"I wouldn't go that far though."

Before I could comment on that statement he made, the door to the roof burst open and three men clad in black suits walked in. Their eyes zeroed in on Roof Guy and he stared at them with contempt.

I was confused as to what was going on but I managed to put the pieces together when Roof Guy stood up.

"My ride's here."

I stood up alongside him and picked up my shoes.

"I guess today's my lucky day after all."

I didn't understand what he meant by that but since he didn't bother to elaborate, I didn't bother to ask any further questions.

"Next time you want to talk to someone on the roof that seems like he wants to do something shady, don't start by acting drunk and talking about shooting stars, okay? It'll only work once."

I laughed so hard my tummy ached.

"I begged you not to bring it up again," I whined.

"Last time, I promise."

We stood there in silence just staring at each other. Then Roof Guy decided that it was time for him to leave.

"Hey Hazel Eyes," I called to him as he started walking towards the all-black trio.

He stopped and turned around and the huge and bright smile from earlier was back on his beautiful face.

"Don't forget what I said, okay? You need to stay strong. I'd like to see you someday walking on the street with a huge smile on your face like this."

His smile increased and an involuntary laugh came out.

"You and me both, Blondie."

I watched him get led out the door by the three men and released a breath I didn't even know I was holding when the door closed.

It wasn't until I bent down to put on my shoes that I realized that he had left me with his jacket.

"I like the way it looks on you more than it does on me."

His words from earlier rang in my ears and I found myself blushing the whole way downstairs.

I stopped at the bathroom to take a look at myself in the mirror before going out into the public again.

As I made adjustments to my hair, the last sentence he said to me came to me.

"You and me both, Blondie."

I took a good look at my hair in the mirror.

Why the hell did he call me Blondie? I'm a freaking Brunette.