For a long time, Lawrence had felt trapped in a "lucid dream" — he was actually more aware of what was happening to him and the mental illness he was suffering from than anyone else.
He knew Martha was gone, knew that the figure he spent day and night with was just an illusion, he knew all this — whether at the subconscious level or at the conscious level, he was very clear-headed.
But compared to other captains of similar age and experience, his mental state was actually quite good. On the vast Endless Sea, what was most abundant were captains with twisted minds and damaged psyches, and even with the sharing of burdens with shipboard priests, the profession of challenging the sea was destined to endure mental contamination far beyond that of ordinary crew members. Each captain completed long sea voyages in the fight against their degenerating minds, to the extent that captains often described their profession with a phrase —
